Fun and Games
by SillyOldThing
Summary: Garcia makes a bet involving her co-workers...and get's a profile nobody wanted. Reid-centric. Ch. 38 up!
1. Fun and Games

**Fun and Games**

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_**Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal minds or any of it's characters**_.

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_"Great souls endure in silence"_ -Friedrich Schiller

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Penelope Garcia loved her friends, all of them. She had a life outside the BAU, and taking time for the people she loved outside of her work was just as important as her job. Today she felt she was getting the best of both worlds.

She was with one of her oldest friends, Mallory Davis, a researcher at a DC law firm, Both women were perched on barstools around a small round table at an local watering hole They sipped on fruity alcohol laden umbrella drinks. Mallory was engaging Garcia in her usual argument, that profiling was nothing more than common sense and paying attention.

"No no no!" Garcia argued " It's much more than that, and believe you me, you wouldn't want to say that to those guys" Garcia smiled and pointed at four men sitting at a booth at the opposite end of the room. "_Her boys_" as she liked to call them.

"Those are the profilers?" Mallory asked.

"Yes" Garcia said proudly "Aren't they cute?"

Mallory took a good look at the four men , Aaron Hotchner, David Rossi, Derek Morgan and Dr Spencer Reid.

"Not bad!" she agreed.

Garcia watched the BAU profilers at play. They each had a drink in their hand, though it seemed that Reid was only drinking coke. The three older men seemed to be engaged in a very animated conversation. Dr Reid was listening intently to them with a contented smile on his face. Garcia grinned " _He looks so happy _" she thought He reminded her of a little boy who gets invited to play with the big kids. Reid was now joining the conversation, his hands were gesturing wildly. The three older men laughed and Morgan gave Reid a playful dig with his elbow.

" I can prove it to you" Mallory said.

"What?" said a startled Garcia.

"I can prove to you profiling is nothing more than a psuedo -science"

Garcia narrowed her eyes, she enjoyed a challange.

" Ok, my lovely, just how do plan to do that?"

Mallory pointed to a nearby table "See that woman over there, that's Annie, . She works as a receptionist at the Thompson Medical building. She can read people better than anyone I know. She is amazing.

"Oh really!" an idea began to form in Garcia's head "Well call her over here, lets try her out" Garcia faced her friend "If she can read those 4 guys over there accurately", pointing to the profilers" I'll buy dinner and cocktails"

Her friend's face lit up, "You m'lady are on!"

Mallory stood up and waved to the other woman at the next table. "Annie! Annie, over here!"

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Annie Pruit saw Mallory waving at her. She excused herself from the group of friends she was with and went over to Garcia's and Mallory's table.

"Hi" she said, curious as to why she was called over.

' Annie, this is my friend Penelope. She works for the FBI in behavioral analysis"

Annie raised her eyebrows" Whoa, I'm impressed" she held out her hand to Garcia.

"Hi Annie" said Garcia taking the womans hand.

Mallory waved her hands quickly " enough!, enough already with the introductions Annie , Pen and I have made a bet. I told her about your way with people. I bet her that you could profile as good as any FBI agent"

Annie laughed "Well I don't know about that, you see I ...

"Annie" Mallory said sharply cutting the other woman off "There's dinner and drinks riding on this."

" Yes" said Garcia "and I know exactly what I'm going to order when I win" She gave Mallory a smug smile.

"Ok" said Annie pulling up a chair "as long as nobody blames me for any fall out. So what do I do?

Garcia pointed to the four profilers who were now on their second drink."Do those guys, four out of four"

Annie put down her drink, rested her chin in her hand and stared intently.

"You do realize they are kind of far away?"

The two women just shrugged "Go for it" said Mallory

She narrowed her eys and finally she spoke "Alright, we'll start from left to right. The guy with the dark suit. Lets see, He seems to be the boss of the group. A little uptight maybe. Hmm, divorced, he doesn't wear a ring but he keeps playing with his ring finger as if he is still wearing one. He still feels married. He hasn't ogled any of the hotties that have passed him. He looks like a hard ass but I suspect a soft side"

"How do you know ?"asked Garcia.

"Because he keeps handing napkins to the guy across from him, a hard ass wouldn't bother"

"There! How was that one?" she said, sitting up straight

Mallory looked at Garcia; Garcia nodded glumly, "One," she said

Mallory rubbed her hands together gleefully "Next!"

Annie took in Dave Rossi."Mmm this guy is a tough guy. A little world weary, seen it and done it all. But I can tell he's still up for a little adventure now and then."

"How?" said the other two women in unison .

"By the way he _did _ look at the women who walked by, just the more age appropriate ones, the fire hasn't gone out of him yet!"

Garcia held a unenthusiastic thumbs up, "Two for two" she said

Now it was Derek Morgans turn. Garcia sat up straight . She was going to pay particular attention to this one. She began feeling like she was at a fortune tellers.

"Hmm, quite a hottie" said Annie

"For heavens sake, a blind woman could tell that" laughed Garcia.

Annie ignored her "He's a player, obviously single, a ladies man, yet not quite a dog. He's checked out every lady that's gone by, but not in such an obvious way that it's creepy. He's a softy too, since he's spent the last five minutes wiping nacho dip off the sweater sleeve of the guy beside him. He has fraternal paternal feelings. It shows he cares about his friends".

Garcia nodded happily, She had to admit, she was impressed. Annie was 3 for 3. Garcia thought she might be buying dinner after all. Of course, she still had Reid.

"C'mon Reid, throw her off" she said under her breath.

Mallory fanned herself with a menu "I think I feel like lobster tonight" she said with a wistful air.

Both women looked at Annie expectantly. But Annie was silent now, her eyes looked sad.

"Sorry ladies, I guess you'll both just have to forfeit" said Annie with a touch of sadness in her voice.

"Why?" Mallory asked confused

" I didn't realize at first, I kinda know that guy " she was looking at Reid.

Garcia's eyes widened " You know Reid?" _Somebody knew Reid_ "Really?" said Garcia genuinely surprised. She turned to look at Annie but suddenly she didn't like the expression she saw on Annie's face.

Annie got up from her bar stool "Yeah, 'fraid so. He's just started coming to the clinic for cancer treatments, picks real odd hours to come in too. Poor kid. I heard that it's already spread to his lymph nodes"

"Sorry girls," she said again. Annie picked up her drink and went back to her own table.

Garcia felt like she'd been kicked in her stomach, like she couldn't breathe. Mallory laid her hand on her friends shaking ones,

"I'm so sorry Pen"

Garcia stared straight ahead, blinking back her tears. The fun and games were over now. She saw the smiling face of Reid . He saw her, gave her one of his funny little waves. She tried to smile back at him but it seemed she wasn't as good as him at hiding pain.

**Fin.**

**AN : hope this wasn't too depressing. I just wanted to try a 180 at the end of the story Please read and review. Thank you.**


	2. Dreams and Delusions

. **Dreams and Delusions Part 2**

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Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds

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_"Delay is the deadliest form of denial."_ C. Northcote Parkinson

4 months earlier

The Dream

Spencer Reid was awakened by a dream. This was not unusual for him, except that this time it was a pleasant dream. He dreamt he was a little boy, young enough to still be in a highchair. He was sitting with both his parents at their dining room table. They were laughing, something he couldn't remember either of them ever doing. There was another man at the table, a youngish man who resembled his father except for the unruly mop of curly hair. The unknown man was talking to him and pulling quarters out of his tiny ears, making the infant Reid squeal with laughter. He saw his baby self lean toward the man, grab his head and pull on his earlobes as if he could make quarters come out. This made his parents laugh even more. The strange man stood up; lifted him out of his highchair and hugged him.

Spencer woke up. He felt happy. He almost wished he could go back to sleep and return to the dream. It hadn't made any sense, yet it had left him with a peaceful contented feeling. Spencer had to admit that on the whole he had been feeling pretty optimistic lately. He hadn't had any drug cravings and thought maybe he had a handle on his addiction. That recent call from Austin too had left him pretty excited about the possibilities.

He looked at his alarm clock. It was almost 6 am, despite the long sleep, he still felt tired. Some coffee and a hot shower would surely wake him up.

The Shower

Reid had stripped off his pyjamas and stood naked in his bathroom. The shower was running. His reflection in the mirror above the vanity was completely obscured by steam. This was fine with Reid; he knew exactly what he looked like and didn't need any reminders. Reid had always felt strangely uncomfortable with his own nudity.

He stepped into the shower and tilted his head back. He enjoyed the feeling of hot water cascading over his body. Any tension he might have been feeling would just slide off him and flow down into the drain. After a couple of minutes he picked up a bar of soap and began to lather himself. He was in the process of washing his neck when he felt the first bump. A tiny nodule located just below his jaw line. He stopped scrubbing and touched the other side of his neck; there was another identical bump.

_'I must be fighting off an infection_.' He thought. Spencer knew he could rattle off the name of every part of his body, inside and out and tell you what it was for. The bumps were his lymph nodes and swollen nodes were usually a sign of illness, sometimes even an illness as simple as a cold. He traced his fingers a little further down his neck, more lumps. He shrugged and went back to his shower.

He started washing under his arms when he felt two more nodules. These ones were even larger than the ones in his neck. He felt a tiny knot of anxiety grip him. He stood frozen under the water. His brain was rapidly processing everything he knew about the lymphatic system. Slowly he moved his hands down his slippery wet body. He thought he should probably do some kind of self examination, especially around his groin area. He just wasn't terribly keen on touching himself, strange as that might seem to some people. Morgan regularly made jokes that Reid must be in some kind of exclusive relationship with his right hand and that's why he didn't date.

He closed his eyes and let his hands press and search. He frowned, he felt frustrated. _'Is that a lump I'm feeling, is that one?'_

Then it suddenly occurred to him_. 'Of course, I'm skinny as a rail, no wonder I can feel every lump and bump on me. I have practically zero body fat. _' The young agent felt a sudden rush of relief as he attributed his sudden appearance of swollen nodes with his thinness, in fact he believed he had even lost a bit of weight, since he had recently had to cinch in his belt another notch. He shook his head and smiled_. 'When did I get to be such a hypochondriac_? '

Spencer turned the water off and stepped onto the bathmat. He vigorously towel dried his hair. He promised himself if the nodes remained prominent, he would mention it at his next physical. The bureau insisted on every agent having a physical exam once a year. That was still over two months away. He grimaced, he hated the physicals. He was certainly in no hurry to go through that indignity sooner than he had to. He pushed his concerns to the back of his mind. He happily padded to his bedroom to get ready for the day. He almost felt like whistling, things were going good. Perhaps it was just the law of averages; maybe it was just his turn to be happy.

If Spencer could have seen his reflection in the mirror, he would have seen a thin pale man whose body was desperately trying to tell him something.

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Present day

Penelope Garcia got to work early that Monday morning. She wanted to avoid running into the members of the BAU team, one member in particular, Dr Spencer Reid.

It had been a tough weekend for her. She almost didn't want to know what Annie Pruit had told her the previous Friday. Reid was sick, very sick. The word cancer rose up before her like some kind of dark spectre. She had wanted to rush up to Annie that whole night and demand more details. Perhaps it wasn't as bad as she imagined, maybe she was making a bigger deal out of this than it was. But the look on Annie's face that night precluded that idea.

It seemed to her that she had paced back and forth in her apartment the entire weekend. She had even briefly entertained thoughts of hacking into Reid's personal records. But of course she knew this was something she would never do. It was one thing to dig up info on the scumbags of the world but quite another to do so on the innocent Dr Reid. She longed to confide in someone, just to share this burden of knowledge that was breaking her heart. Several times her hand went to the phone to call Morgan or JJ, but she knew if Reid wanted anyone to know, he would have told them himself.

She poked her head out of her office door. They were all there now. Reid was sitting at his desk, bent over some notes with a coffee at his side. Garcia's heart felt heavy and her eyes began to well with tears. She shook herself_. 'No I wont cry, if he can be strong, so can I' _Garcia decided she wasn't going to indulge in self pity. If Reid needed her she was going to make damn well sure she was there for him. With that resolution, she marched herself into the bull pen with her usual sassy smile "Hiya, junior G-man". Reid looked up and smiled back.

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Reid leaned back into his chair, it was time to go. He had only three more weeks of radiation therapy .The following week after that, he would begin chemo. '_A double pronged approach' _his doctor had called it. He sighed; he ran his hand absently through his hair. Chemo was going to be so much harder to hide, he wasn't sure if he could. He was tired, tired of everything.

'_Don't give up' _an inner voice whispered. Reid wasn't listening.

FIN

AN: I will be jumping back and forth in time on this one. I hope it doesn't drive anyone nuts. Please read and review. Your feedback is most welcome.


	3. Fears and Fancies

**Fears and Fancies**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds. Really!**

_' Loneliness is about the scariest thing out there ' _Joss Whedon

**Three months earlier.**

Another Dream

_The toddler wandered into the living room, his big hazel eyes looking around 'til he found the person he was looking for. The young man lay on the couch. His curly hair was shorter now. He had a blanket drawn up to his chin; he smiled at the toddler. Another man sat in an easy chair, a beer in his hand. The baby toddled over to where the man lay and shoved a huge book at him, "Read me a story," he ordered in a baby voice._

_"He's tired Spencer," said the man in the chair. "Get mommy to read to you."_

_"Mommy's sleeping," said the toddler._

_The man on the couch sat up, "It's ok Will, I don't mind." The toddler smiled and climbed onto the man's lap and snuggled close._

_The man opened the book, "Ah Charles Dickens, my favourite." He began to read._

_"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...._

Reid awoke with a start, smiling as he remembered the dream. He felt something wet on his face; it was a tear.

Fear

Reid lay on the table in the Doctors exam room. He couldn't stop shivering. He was wearing nothing but a paper gown and his mismatched socks. He didn't know if he was shaking from the cold or from fear. He concluded it was probably a bit of both. '_What the hell is taking this guy so long,' _thought Reid. Reid agonized over making this appointment but his fear won out over his sense of denial. Those lumps he had found last month were even larger. Better to get them checked out than worry. It was probably nothing, he told himself, some kind of bug or something. He'd get a script and that would be that.

The doctor finally entered the room and introduced himself. "Hello Spencer, I'm Doctor Strange." Reid had to suppress a smile at the name. The doctor looked down at the very slim file he had in his hand. "It says here, you work for the FBI, do they not have their own medical personnel?"

"Yes. But I felt the need for a bit of privacy in this matter." '_I am terrified I might be sick and they'll find out.'_

"Alright then_, _it says here you have some lumps that are worrying you. Let's check these out. "The doctor donned a pair of gloves. He pulled the paper gown down to Reid's waist. First he felt Reid's neck and then began pressing under the arms and across his chest, much harder than Spencer would have. He moved the gown back up and lifted the other end exposing Reid's crotch.

"Spread your legs a little bit please." Reid swallowed and closed his eyes. This was so embarrassing and he felt ashamed of his embarrassment. He was a grown man after all. The doctor continued to press and prod around the groin area. Reid gave a slight yelp as the doctor pressed a little too hard. He opened his eyes and tried to read the face of the man examining him. The physician was frowning.

_'Not a good sign.' _Reid thought.

"Ok Spencer, just a couple of questions." He pulled the gown back down and removed his gloves. "Have you lost any weight lately?

"I don't know, I never weigh myself, maybe a little." He was telling the truth.

The doctor eyed his slim torso. "Ok, do you have any loss of energy, are you tired a lot?"

"Mmm, a little I guess. I work long hours sometimes."

"Any other unusual things."

"I have very itchy skin; my mom always told me I have very dry skin." He wondered why he felt the need to share that.

The doctor stood and smiled at him. "You can get dressed now Spencer, and then meet me in my office. We'll talk."

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Present day

Derek Morgan had just opened a bottle of his very best chardonnay. He poured a glass and handed it to the beautiful woman sitting on his couch. She graced him with her best come hither smile. Morgan was about to pour himself a glass when he felt his cell phone go off._ 'Great. I hope it's not a case_.' He thought. He looked at the screen and saw it was Reid calling. _'Strange, he never calls me on a Saturday'_ "Hello Morgan here." He was surprised that the voice on the other end was not Reid.

"Is this Derek Morgan?" It was a hard masculine voice that spoke.

"Eh, yes it is. Who is this?"

"Hi, this is Bob McAlistair, I run Bobbies Tavern, I've got a friend of yours here that's drunk out of his mind. He started a fight with another costumer. I really need someone to pick him up."

At first Morgan thought it was some kind of joke, but his profiler skills told him otherwise. "Tell me where you are and I'll be right there." He got the address and hung up the phone. He looked wistfully at his date. "Sorry baby, duty calls, I gotta go."

Morgan found the tavern fairly easy; it was walking distance from Reid's apartment. He couldn't believe what he saw when he got there. A large bartender was trying to reason with an even larger patron with a scraggily beard and tattoos on every exposed body part. Reid was lying prone on a pool table with a silly grin on his face, sporting what looked like to be the beginning of a black eye.

He approached the bartender. "Hey man, what's going on?"

"Are you Morgan?" Derek nodded "Your name was on his speed dial." He pointed to Reid.

This time the large bearded man spoke. "Your friend's an asshole buddy, he's lucky I didn't rip his head off. He asked me what it was like to be stupid." Derek cringed and looked over at Reid. He wanted to get the both of them out of there with as little fuss as possible. He decided to go the charming route.

"Hey man, I apologize for my friend, see, he's a bit simple and can't hold his drink. How about I buy you and your friend here a couple rounds and we'll forget it." Derek offered up his best friendly smile and a twenty dollar bill. '_Reid so owes me' _

The burly man really didn't want to let it go, but the temptation of the twenty was too much, "Ok, but I don't want to see his scrawny ass around here again."

Morgan went over to Reid and pulled him off the table. Reid could barely stand, putting his arms around Morgan. Morgan could smell the booze on him, "Reid, what the hell were you thinking?" he whispered.

Reid opened his eyes wide like he was seeing Morgan for the first time, "Dergan! Have you come to party with me?" He let go and staggered over to the burly patron who hadn't taken his eyes off him. He turned to Morgan. "Gorgan, come meet my new friend." He grabbed the large paw of the man and shook it vigorously. Morgans stomach flipped.

Reid pursed his lips, "Goodnight my friend, I just want to say that of all the people that have punched me in the face, and there have been many, your punch was the best." He stood pumping the man's hand with a big goofy smile on his face. Morgan rushed over to him while mouthing, '_He's crazy' _at the bar patrons. He grabbed Reid and started to guide him quickly out of the bar.

"C'mon party boy, time to go."

"Party over? Home-time? "

"Yup, I'm taking you home." Reid pouted, then burst into hysterical giggles as Morgan tried to fold his long limbed friend into his car. '_You so so owe me,' _he thought as he belted Reid's seatbelt for the short ride to Reid's apartment.

It took some difficulty but Morgan managed to get Reid into his apartment. He led him directly to his bedroom where Reid dropped like a lead weight onto his bed. Morgan got him a large glass of water and returned. He looked down at his friend and hoisted him up. He put the water glass to his lips and ordered "Drink!" Spencer sloppily did as he was told, then flopped back down again. Morgan sighed and once again pulled him back up.

C'mon man, I'm getting you undressed and then tomorrow when you're sober I'm going to call and yell and scream at you." Reid just smiled and nodded in agreement. "Reid there's something I've got to know, why did you start a fight with that hulk?"

"Because I've never done it before, get in a bar fight that is."

Morgan looked at him, incredulous. "Kid, you mean of all the things you've_ never _done, that's the one you chose?"

"Sure, I didn't have time to get married and have a family." He slurred.

"Reid, stand up. I gotta get these things off." He pulled Reid up. He leaned against Morgan and then started making gagging sounds.

"Oh oh, think I gotta throw up"

"Aw shit! Not on me you don't!" He grabbed Reid and hurriedly pulled him into the bathroom. Spencer made it just in time. Morgan stood behind him and held back his hair. "When I think of all the things I could have been doing tonight," Morgan shook his head.

"Sorry, sorry," Spencer gasped between retches.

Morgan patted him on the back, "S'ok kid, it happens to the best of us." He began feeling a tinge of pity for the boy. After he was done, Morgan wiped his friend's face off and made him rinse his mouth. He hauled him back to the bedroom again where Reid once again collapsed on the bed. Morgan reached down again to pull him up. Spencer grabbed Morgan's t-shirt and pulled his face close.

"Morgan," his eyes wide. "There's something I have to tell you."

Morgan hoped Reid wasn't suddenly going to declare his love for him or something because he'd really had enough surprises for today.

"What is it kid?"

"I think...I think…your eyebrows are really weird," He let go of Morgan and burst into another fit of giggles.

"You wont be laughing tomorrow pretty boy." He said as once again he got Reid into a standing position. He pulled off Reid's jacket. Underneath the jacket he wore a sweater, a dress shirt and then a t shirt. "Holy shit Reid, how long does it take you to get dressed in the morning?" He pulled the sweater vest over his head and started working on the buttons of the shirt. Reid kept swaying; he put Reid's arms around his neck to steady him. Reid rested his head on Morgan's shoulder. He just got the last few buttons undone when he felt Reid's fingers grip his t-shirt

"Derek, Derek...please, help," he whispered in a barely audible voice.

Derek held his friend back and looked into his face. Spencer's expression was different; his eyes were moist and filled with pain and something else, was it fear?

"What is it kid, what's wrong?" Then it was gone. Reid had that big dopey smile on his face again. He leaned into Derek. Finally Morgan pulled Reid's t-shirt off and pushed him down on the bed. He removed his shoes and yanked off his pants. '_Phew, that took forever,' _he thought. He looked down at Reid lying on the bed wearing only a pair of dark coloured boxer shorts. His stomach gave a slight lurch. He had never really seen Reid undressed before. What he saw before him was not someone who was just thin, but emaciated. He thought he could probably count every rib on his body. Reid's skin also had a slightly translucent quality, almost a bluish tinge to it. In fact, it seemed there was some kind of ink on him that had been scrubbed off, large x's. He leaned down closer to see what it was when Spencer's eyes opened.

Morgan grabbed the blankets and pulled them over him. Reid mumbled a thanks, turned on his side and curled into the fetal position. Morgan tucked a pillow behind his back, so he wouldn't roll over.

"Morgan?" he said quietly

"Yeah kid?"

"How do you think I will look bald?"

Morgan laughed at this apparent non-sequiter and was about to answer when he noticed Reid was completely out. He stared at Reid's wan face and brushed a bit of hair out of his eyes. Morgan had intended to head straight home, but something made him stay. '_In case the kid pukes again or something _' He told himself.

Derek moved into the living room. He helped himself to a drink and switched on the TV. He took a swig of his scotch. _'Garcia is gonna want to hear about this' _Morgan relaxed back into the old sofa with one ear listening for his friend.

Spencer slept a dreamless sleep. By now he knew the face of the man that haunted him.

**FIN**

AN: Hi, I am not a person with any medical background but I try to research as accurately as I can . Please forgive any inaccuracies or glaring errors I might have in this fiction. Thanks to those who reviewed. It is very kind of you.


	4. Truth and Friendship

**Truth and Friendship**

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds, I'm just crazy about the show.

_'The heart has reasons that reason does not understand ' _Jacques Benigne Bossuet

2 1/2 months earlier.

The Dream.

_It was a beautiful sunlit day, as it often was in Vegas. The three year old boy was walking across a large green lawn. An adult on either side of him held his hands. They had sad faces. They almost always had sad faces now. He peered across the expanse of green and he saw him. He wriggled free from the adults and began to run._

_"Spencer, stop! You'll fall," The woman called._

_"Little boys are supposed to run and fall." The man beside her said._

_He kept running 'til he got to him. The young man sat in a big chair in his funny pyjamas. He climbed onto his lap. The man smiled and hugged him. Spencer ran his tiny hand over the man's smooth head. "Where's your hair?" he asked._

_"Didn't eat my vegetables," He said. Spencer giggled. The tall blond woman came up and kissed the man on the cheek. The older man stood back, his hands in his pockets._

_"I have something for you Spencer," The young man bent down and produced a small teddy bear, he handed it to the small boy on his lap. "Someone gave it to me, but I think he'll be happier if he lives with you," Spencer hugged the small bear to his chest._

_"Spencer doesn't really like stuffed animals." The woman said. _

_"Yes I do!" Spencer exclaimed. He hugged the bear even tighter. This made the young man laugh and he kissed the tiny boy on the top of his head._

_"Say thank you to Uncle Dan, Spencer."_

Spencer woke up; he was hot and sweaty; he threw his covers off. _'Uncle Dan? How did I forget Uncle Dan?' _He looked across his bedroom; on a shelf sat a threadbare stuffed animal, covered in dust and long forgotten.

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Spencer sat in Doctor Strange's waiting room. He had only been there a couple of minutes, but it seemed like an eternity. The secretary looked up and smiled at him. He fidgeted in his chair, his right leg bouncing up and down. He was going to hear the results of the biopsy today. The doctor had taken one from one of his nodes on his neck. This waiting was ridiculous. _'Just_ _tell me already.' _he thought. He looked up, Dr Strange stood in front of him.

"Hi Spencer, come with me," Suddenly Spencer wanted to run.

He followed him to his office, Dr Strange gestured to sit in one of the chairs facing him. The doctor sat down across from him and opened his file. He looked Spencer directly in the eyes.

Reid swallowed nervously, his mouth was dry, his hands sweaty.

"Spencer, there is no easy way to tell someone this so I will do it as quickly as possible. The biopsy we took of your lymph node showed a definite malignancy. "

"Cancer?" Reid said. _'Of course cancer you idiot, you knew it was cancer. _'

"Yes, however there are more tests we would like to run, including a CT scan...."

Reid felt he couldn't hear anymore, there was a powerful sensation of water rushing through his ears and the doctor's voice sounded as if he were sitting someplace far away, like the bottom of a well. Only certain words jumped out at him, he understood everything and yet he understood nothing.

"Scan, grade...prognosis. Lymphoma, good, bad, radiation.. Hodgkin's...treatment...chemo... family." The words were coming at him disjointed and fractured; like some sort of a crazy puzzle he had to piece together.

The room began to spin, he felt sick. '_I have to get out, I can't breathe.' _Ignoring the doctor, he stood up and nearly ran from the office. He found his way out of the building and stood outside in the sunshine. He took big gulps of air and leaned against the building trying to steady himself. He took some more deep breaths and held his face up to the warm light. His heart was beating unbearably fast.

"Spencer?" Reid looked over. Dr Strange had followed him out. "Spencer, I'm sorry, I didn't think." His voice was a little softer now. "My wife says I have all the subtlety of a Mack truck.. Please come back in. We still need to talk. We're going to make an appointment for you with an oncologist I know. He's a great guy; helped a lot of people. Please."

" I..I.. h have to get to work soon." Spencer stuttered.

The doctor nodded, "It's ok, you'll make it to work, c'mon." He gently took hold of Spencer's arm.

Reid felt his panic beginning to subside. He allowed himself to be led back inside the building, out of the sunlight.

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Present Day

"Sorry everybody, it looks like were spending another night here, The pilot told me the jet needs some minor repairs, We'll leave first thing tomorrow morning. " The team let out a collective groan. They were just finishing up dinner in their hotel. Their case was finished and it had not been an easy one. The unsub had been caught but not before he had murdered his last victim. There was not the jocularity as there usually was when they dined together.

It had been particularly difficult for Dr Spencer Reid. He wanted to go home and sleep in his own bed. This was the first time since he began his radiation treatments that he had to go out of town right away. He usually had a weekend to recover. He also was starting to suffer from unexplained fevers and night sweats that made it difficult to sleep. Even more so in a strange hotel room. Two days ago was his last radiation treatment; in ten days or so he would begin chemo. He was terrified, and it wasn't helped by the disturbing news he had received from his doctor. The radiation treatments were not as successful as he had hoped; his disease was still in stage three. Reid held himself together. His doctor tried to reassure him . _'Don't get discouraged. We aren't done yet, not by a long shot.' _The doctor also talked about the support of family and did he have someone to help him? Spencer lied and said yes.

Spencer looked around the table. There were sullen faces all around. He tried to put his best face forward and behave as he usually did. When someone got too close he would start reciting some inane statistic, that usually did the trick and they left him alone. He had made only one slip up and that had been getting horribly drunk and involving Morgan. He apologized the next day and asked if Morgan could just keep that night to himself. "Sure kid," Morgan had said.

Prentiss picked up her menu." "If I have to stay in Georgia tonight, then I am definitely going to treat myself with some peach pie. How about you ladies?" she showed the picture to Jordan and Garcia. They nodded and Emily ordered three.

"Reid I'm surprised you're not in on this, you're the big dessert nut," said Morgan who only ordered a coffee from their server.

Prentiss shook her head, "No, no dessert for him; he didn't finish his dinner," she said factiously. Reid looked down at his half eaten plate of food. It was all he could do to choke that down.

"Just a coffee and could I get it to go please?" He just wanted to go to bed.

Rossi stood up, he pointed to the bar. "That's where I'm having my dessert, if anyone cares to join me." He walked toward the bar.

"I think that would be me," Hotch stated, "Goodnight everyone, see you bright and early." Hotch took one last look at Reid, Something was up with him, he just couldn't place it. At first he thought he might be using again, because of the obvious weight loss. But his behaviour wasn't different unless you counted that Reid was even more Reid-like than ever. He almost seemed like someone doing an exaggerated impression of Reid. The whole thing was very strange. He joined Rossi at the bar and sat down. Rossi pushed a Scotch and water at him.

"Something's wrong with the kid, isn't there?" Rossi said.

Hotch nodded. "Damned if I know what it is."

&&&&&&&&&&&&&

The server arrived with their order. She put down three slices of pie and two coffees. "Hey, Reid left without his coffee," Jordan said.

"I think I figured out what's wrong with him," Morgan said.

Garcia looked up sharply, _'Did Derek know? Will Reid finally open up and let them help him through this?'_

Morgan leaned forward, "Penelope, remember when I told you that Reid got completely smashed a couple of weeks ago and I had to go get him?"

"Morgan! That was in confidence; you said Reid didn't want anyone to know!" Penelope was annoyed with Morgan's insensitivity.

"Reid got smashed?" said Prentiss, surprised at the news.

"Did he ever, anyway I think I know why. Remember that pretty bartender that was calling him and he was so excited about it?"

"Yes, I remember."

"Well, here we are, less than a hour from where she lives and he hasn't alluded to her once. I think our boy might be suffering from a broken heart. I think maybe she dumped him."

"Aw, that's so sad," said Jordan, taking a bite of her pie.

Prentiss looked at Garcia, who had been unusually quiet all evening.

"Garcia, you aren't saying much tonight, do you know something?"

Garcia felt like she knew_ too _much. She was unhappy that she was still alone with this secret. It broke her heart to see Reid's thin wrists poke out from his sweater sleeves and see him push his food around his plate, barely eating a thing. Garcia also knew Reid stopped returning Austin's calls and the poor girl probably couldn't figure out why. She said to Emily. "I don't know anything about Reid and that girl. I think he needs privacy."

Morgan guffawed. "I think he needs to get laid."

"Shut up Morgan!" Garcia snapped. Right now she couldn't stand Reid being the butt of Morgan's jokes.

Morgan jerked back like he'd just been struck in the face.

"Hey baby girl, what's wrong?" His eyes wide with shock. "I'm just playin'."

Garcia stood up, "Why don't you go play with someone else for a change." She said her goodnights and left the restaurant. Now she felt terrible about Reid and guilty for yelling at Morgan.

The three remaining team members sat and looked at each other. Perhaps the case they had just worked on had gotten to them all.

A still shell shocked Morgan excused himself and went to join the men at the bar.

Prentiss stared at the now cold take out coffee. She felt Garcia's behaviour definitely had to do with Reid. She had an idea; she bade her goodnights to Jordan and headed out of the hotel.

&&&&&&&&&&&

Reid tried to get warm and comfortable. He knew he had a low grade fever and that was the reason for the chills he felt. He needed some distraction. Reid turned the TV on and flipped the channels until he found an old movie that had just started. He just got comfortable beneath the blankets when he heard a knock at the door. He groaned and got out of bed.

"Hold on, hold on," he called. He hoped it wasn't Morgan attempting to drag him out for some social life. He opened the door and it was Emily Prentiss holding two large cups of take out coffee.

"You forgot your coffee downstairs, so I thought you might like a fresh one. And I could join you; I'm not much in the mood for the bar tonight," She looked expectedly at him. Emily had to smile at the way he looked. He was wearing flannel sleep pants, a T-shirt and one of his many cardigans. She peered into his room; his bed was mussed up. It was just only after eight o'clock. "Oh Reid, I'm sorry. I didn't think you'd be in bed yet." She held out his coffee. "I can go."

The coffee smelled delicious and suddenly the idea of company didn't seem so bad. He didn't like being alone at night anymore. Prentiss just might be the distraction from his thoughts he needed.

He stepped aside. "Come in Emily," He said, taking the coffee from her. "I wasn't asleep; I was watching an old movie."

She looked at what was playing on the TV "Hey! It'sthe _'Seven Year Itch._' I love that movie". She saw Reid get back in his bed and slouch down under the covers while sipping on his coffee. _'Odd,' _she thought.

He looked up at her and saw her expression. "I'm cold." He explained.

"Is it ok if I sit here?" she pointed to the other side of the bed.

"Sure."

She sat down at the top of the bed with her back against the headboard. They watched the movie in a comfortable silence, only broken every now and then by Reid relating some random facts about the film. Emily felt very relaxed, '_This is kinda nice' _she thought.

"Hey Reid, what famous guy was Marilyn Monroe married to when this movie was made?" She looked over when he didn't answer. He lay on his side fast asleep, the empty coffee cup still in his hand. She leaned over to gently remove it so as not to wake him, when her hand touched his; it was hot and dry. Emily frowned, '_he said he was cold'_. She felt his forehead; he was burning up. "Holy crap, he's got a fever." Emily wasn't sure what to do.

"Reid!" she whispered. She pulled his covers back. He opened his eyes." Reid, you have a fever, do you want me to get a doctor?"

He slowly shook his head. '_It's so cold_.' "Jus feelin' a little under the weather," He took her hand. "Stay," he mumbled. "Watch the movie" He was barely awake but the idea of someone being there was comforting.

"Ok. I will." Emily had no intention of leaving him like this. She laid her cool hand across his forehead. "Here, let's get that sweater off you. It's too hot." She watched the rest of the movie, glancing every now and then at her sleeping movie companion. He barely stirred. Her eyelids began to feel heavy; pretty soon she too, was sound asleep.

&&&&&&&&&&&

Emily awoke with a groan. She felt awful, her clothes felt gross and uncomfortable. She had fallen asleep on top of the bedspread and her neck was killing her from the position she slept in. She glanced across at Reid on the far side of the bed. He had kicked his covers off and had curled up into a ball. She was amazed that such a tall man could make himself so small looking.

A cell phone rang. She picked it up off the bedside table without thinking.

"Hello, " she said sleepily. At first it seemed as if there were no one on the other end, and then a voice belonging to a young woman spoke.

"Eh hello...is Spencer there?"

"Umm...yes he's right here, but he's asleep. Do you want me to wake him up?"

There was a hesitation, then a cold, "Never mind." and Emily heard the phone click.

Emily suddenly realized who the call was from. _'Oh shit _' she would have to tell Reid later.

Reid gave a loud moan. She looked at him_; _he was soaking wet. "What the hell!" She said aloud. This time he woke up. He pushed himself up; his damp hair stuck to his forehead, his t-shirt and pyjama bottoms were drenched in sweat. He groggily looked at Emily, trying to remember why she was there. He touched his t-shirt.

"I have to change," he mumbled.

"Reid, are you alright?" She felt a little frightened now.

_'Damn nights sweats' " _I need to change Emily, I'm fine, just a little under the weather," He stood up and started to sway a little. His legs felt like jello.

"Reid you're not fine, what the hell is going on?"

"Emily, I need to change." His voice was pleading now. His eyes wide and glassy.

If he hadn't looked so much like a frightened deer, she might have stayed and badgered him until he had told her everything. But she couldn't. She saw the pained expression in his eyes and didn't want to add to his misery.

"Ok, I'm right next door, if you need me for anything; just yell real loud. Promise?" She saw a flicker of relief cross his face.

"I promise."

She felt his forehead again. He didn't seem to be feverish anymore, just sweaty. "I'm going to open my adjoining door, so really I'm just a few steps away," Reid nodded, too tired to do anything else.

She didn't like to leave him, but she did. She stood outside in the hall a few minutes. She had forgotten about the phone call. Her mind was on telling Hotch about what went on tonight. This wasn't normal. He had to know.

&&&&&&&&&&

The next morning, everything seemed more or less business as usual. There was still some tension between Garcia and Morgan. Reid looked a little more like himself. He was pleasant on the way home. They played cards, talked about the case and when they got back to Quantico, he went straight to his paperwork. Neither of them spoke of what happened the night before.

&&&&&&&&&&

Hotch sat with Reid's file in his hand. He had a long talk with Prentiss. She told him what Reid had been like. He was hiding something. Hotch knew he had to handle this delicately. Reid walked into his office. He immediately noticed his file. A little stab of fear pierced him.

"You wanted to see me Hotch?"

Hotch tried to appear casual. "Reid, I was going through the files, seeing what needed to be updated and I noticed you are overdue for your yearly physical." Reid blanched.

"Don't worry, it's been arranged. Tomorrow at nine o'clock, don't be late."

FIN.

AN: Please read and review. Thanks to those who were kind enough to review the other chapters. It's great to get feedback. Poor Reid! He's in for some tough times.


	5. Acceptance and Love

**Acceptence and Love**

Disclaimer: I do not own criminal minds or Robert Munsch for that matter.

_'The most I can do for my friend is simply to be his friend' _Henry David Thoreau

The Dream

He and his mother were visiting the hospital again. He had to walk quickly to keep up with her. It was a cool October day just past his fourth birthday. She opened the door to the hospital room and there he was, sitting on the bed. He didn't look like him anymore; he was hollow cheeked and frail. He saw his father sitting in the corner of the room, his face red and puffy, hands hanging loosely between his knees.

Spencer climbed on the bed and hugged his father's younger brother.

"Hey there Spence, cool glasses you got there."

Spencer smiled. "Can you show me a new magic trick?"

"Sorry little dude, I've shown you everything I know. C'mere, I need to tell you something. It's a secret." He bent his head down and whispered into the small boy's ear. Spencer closed his eyes and leaned closer to his uncle and listened. He could also hear snippets of his parents conversation in the corner of the room.

"Why did you bring him here Diana, he's a little boy." His father's voice was angry.

"He needs to say goodbye Will." She spoke to him in the most gentle voice Spencer had ever heard her use.

Dan gave Spencer a hug. "Do you think you can do that Spencer?"

"I promise Uncle Dan" He said solemnly.

"You're a good boy." He kissed Spencer's cheek. He was visibly tired now. Diana walked over to the bed and held out her hand.

"Come Spencer, it's time to go."

"Bye," He gave a little wave. His father came and sat down beside the bed.

"Bye Spence." Dan gave a wave back. As Spencer and his mother left, he heard his uncle's plaintive voice.

"Will, you have to let me go."

Spencer awoke, he stared at the ceiling, "I promise Uncle Dan I promise." He whispered.

&&&&&&&&&&&

2 months earlier

Reid got back to his apartment. He breathed a sigh of relief,_ 'I did it _' He thought. He had made it through his first radiation treatment. It hadn't hurt, he hadn't broken into a million pieces. Of course he had been terrified the whole time. The table he had laid on was cold and hard and real. The techs and the nurses had been very kind to him. They knew how frightened he was. He had felt so embarrassed and exposed lying there in that thin cotton gown, even more more when they took out a blue marker and marked the places to aim the radiation.

His oncologist had told him his cancer was not quite a stage four, a three really and his plan was to treat it quite aggressively. The doctor had seemed really positive and wanted Spencer to feel the same way.

After the initial shock of his diagnosis and a half dozen more tests, Spencer decided he wasn't going to tell anyone, at least not yet. He dreaded the pity; he just wanted to be Reid, not Reid with cancer. There was too many other reasons he stood out, he didn't need another. He also feared they might take him out of the field or not let him work at all and that he couldn't bear.

He stripped off his clothes and stepped into the shower. He looked down at his body and saw the blue marks on him. This physical reminder made him feel ill. He grabbed the soap and loofah and scrubbed. He scrubbed until his skin was nearly raw and when he could no longer hold it in he sank to the floor of his shower and began to cry. He hugged his knees to his chest and wept uncontrollably; until eventually he found himself sitting under a spray of cold water, spent of all feeling.

He got out of the shower; dried himself off and dressed.

Spencer looked at his reflection in the mirror. He decided he couldn't afford to indulge in that kind of emotion again. He decided from here on out, to the outside world everything was going to look as normal as possible.

&&&&&&&&&&&

It was Will's idea to have to have the entire team over for dinner, At first JJ balked at the idea. She was still tired and the idea of having that many people over wore her out just thinking about it. But Will seemed so excited and assured her he would do all the work, she couldn't say no. Will _was_ excited, He would never tell JJ this, but he missed his New Orleans buddies and he also knew that JJ missed her BAU family. He told her he was going to cook up a big New Orleans style meal. That these pale lookin Quantico folks needed something hot and spicy.

Morgan and Garcia arrived about the same time. Morgan handed Will a six pack of beer and arched an eyebrow at the apron Will was wearing.

"Real men know how to cook for their woman Derek," Will informed him. Garcia paid no attention to either of them. She handed JJ a gift and then demanded to know where the baby was.

"Right here, relax, it's not like he can run away. " She laughed and led Garcia to a small bassinette she kept in the kitchen.

Rossi was the next to arrive. "Would you like a beer?" offered Will.

"Do you have anything stronger? Hotch is my designated driver tonight."

Will grinned, "Coming right up, though beer goes better with my Jambalaya."

"Sounds great." said Rossi and silently wondered if he had any Maalox at home.

"Designated driver here, I'll take a soda if you got it," Hotch walked in and handed Will a bottle of wine. Emily was right behind him. She greeted Will and immediately joined the group fussing over Henry.

The BAU family was loud and boisterous, so much so that no one noticed when Reid slipped in through the door. Will was the first to spot him.

_'Oh hell .'_ He thought and he looked to JJ. She looked up and walked over to Will.

"Spence, hi!" she gave him a hug and exchanged looks with Will over Reid's shoulder. It had been a couple of months since she had last seen Reid and the change was shocking. He was so pale; it was like she could see right through him. When she hugged him, there was so little to him, he felt like he might break. Will too was alarmed by the sight of Spencer. Reid reminded him of a young cop he knew years ago in his fathers time, who had succumbed to AIDS. He felt like he had a ghost in front of him.

"Reid what can I get you to drink?" asked Will

"Just a coke if you got it."

"Sure thing, ok everybody, dinner will be about a hour so grab a drink and relax."

Reid warily avoided going near Hotch. He had been trying to avoid him for most of the week. Hotch had made an appointment for him with the bureau's physicians. Reid cancelled it and said nothing to Hotch. Hotch was none too pleased when he found out. The odd thing was, that Spencer felt like he was feeling a little better the last couple of days. True he still had to deal with the fevers and the night sweats but he did feel better. He had told Hotch the appointment time was inconvenient, and promised he would reschedule. Hotch hadn't time to argue with him right then and let it go for the moment.

_'Just make sure you do it Reid, '_ The unit chief ordered.

_'Yes sir.'_ He had promised.

The whole group stood in the entrance to the livingroom, astounded by what they saw.

"What the hell is that?" said Rossi.

"It's huge." added Morgan.

"It's a monster." agreed Emily.

"Hey!" said Will, a little offended.

Taking up nearly a quarter of the living room, sat the biggest overstuffed armchair with matching ottoman anyone had ever seen.

"Will brought it from New Orleans. " explained JJ.

"Cher, you said you wanted me to be comfortable here. This is the most comfortable piece of furniture I own." He said proudly.

Garcia grabbed Reid by the arm and forced him into the giagantic chair. It made him look even smaller.

"Well," Will demanded " doncha love it, isnt it comfortable?" He set Reid's drink beside him.

"He looks like the man who was swallowed by a chair." Emily remarked. The team laughed, even Reid had to smile.

_'This ugly thing is comfortable,' _He thought.

JJ leaned down and laid Henry in Reids' arms." Do you mind reading Henry a story?" she asked him.

"Oh, not at all, I think I might have something right here." He reached into his messenger bag. JJ stopped him.

"No here, this is better." She handed him a book by Robert Munsch. "He's been fed and changed so I think you're safe."

"Thanks." He looked into Henry's eyes and wondered if Henry might someday need a new godfather. Henry wouldn't remember him. He pushed those thoughts away.

Henry looked right back at Reid; he was content to lie in his godfathers arms and be read to.

"Ok Henry, now pay attention," Spencer began to read. Hotch, Emliy and Will made themselves comfortable on the sofa. Garcia, Rossi and Morgan joined JJ in the kitchen.

JJ started preparing a salad. Garcia joined her.

JJ looked up at them. "Ok guys, what's wrong with Reid?"

"You mean why is he turning into the incredible shrinking man?" said Rossi.

"Yeah kind of ... I mean Reid has always been thin, but now...this is different."

"You should see him with his clothes off." said Morgan swigging his beer.

Rossi turned and looked at him, "I beg your pardon."

Morgan shook his head, "Long story man."

The room was silent for a moment. They could hear Spencer reading to Henry. His voice, so often squeaky and nervous, was soft and melodic when he read.

_'Love you forever, like you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be.'_

JJ smiled, "That sounds beautiful." She looked at Garcia who had taken over chopping the vegetables. Her eyes were misty.

"You ok baby girl?" Morgan asked.

Garcia wiped her eyes, "Damn onions." She handed the knife to Rossi. "Maybe you better do it." She poured herself a large glass of wine. She waited a few minutes before joining the others in the living room. She downed some wine and went in. She saw Will, Hotch and Emily leaning close together speaking in hushed tones.

"Why are you all whispering? " She whispered.

Emily grinned and pointed toward the other end of the room. Garcia looked over and saw Reid and Henry sound asleep in the giagantic armchair. Will stood. "I better put Henry to bed, but not before I get a picture of this, I'll be right back."

Garcia stared at the pair of them sleeping, her heart ached, the words of the story book echoed in her head.

_'Love you forever, like you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be.'_

&&&&&&&&&&&&

The waiter arrived with their orders. Spencer looked at his burger combo, He actually felt a little bit hungry and was determined to eat it. The bar was loud and noisy. It was just the distraction Morgan wanted. He had asked the gang out to dinner. The last couple of days they had been on a pretty rough case and he wanted to decompress, they all did. Everyone was there except for Hotch, who begged off because he had a chance to spend time with Jack. Reid actually didn't feel too bad tonight but he had another reason for going out with the team. Tomorrow would be his first day of chemotherapy treatment. He was more scared than he cared to admit; he even booked off a personal day, he really didn't know what to expect and didn't want to deal with anything at work.

He bit into his hamburger. In some ways he felt like this was his last meal. A little dramatic maybe, but he was well aware of the side effects of chemotherapy; he honestly didn't know when he would enjoy food again. He downed his beer and ordered another. Both Rossi and Morgan looked at him with surprise. They had been watching Reid picking at his food for months; now he was scarfing down fries like they were soon going to be outlawed. Garcia too was confused by Reid's behavior, she didn't like it; something was up.

Reid was nearly at the bottom of his second beer and was in full Reid mode, explaining how statistics can nearly predict the outcome of almost anything, when he felt it. That sickening queasy feeling in his gut. The burger and fries now felt like two pounds of lead. He guessed if he sat there much longer his dinner would be making a sudden reappearance. He cast an eye around the table; the team was still eating and enjoying their food. The best thing to do was to get out of there and fast. He excused himself and tried not to run to the bathroom.

He got to the men's room . He was thankful when he saw that both stalls were empty. He rushed into one, fell on his knees and emptied the contents of his stomach. He began to sweat and shake. He groaned; how could he possibly feel this sick this fast? He must have overdone it with all the food and drink. He felt another wave of nausea come over him, he grasped the sides of the toilet bowl and began to retch, which was worse since there was nothing left in his stomach. Reid tried to calm himself, he fought for control. He reached up, flushed the toilet and waited til he felt strong enough to stand up. Once up, he staggered out to the sink and tried to wash his face and rinse his mouth. He looked at his reflection in the mirror and looking back at him was David Rossi leaning against the tile wall.

"David," he gasped.

"What's going on kid?"

Rossi had followed Reid to the washroom. He hadn't liked the way he'd looked at the table. When he went in all he could hear was Spencer being sick.

Spencer attempted to steady himself against the counter. He tried to turn, to answer Rossi, when the world started to spin and turn a sickly shade of grey. Rossi in an intstant rushed forward and grabbed Reid around the waist to stop him from falling face first on a rather unforgiving tile floor. Reid kind of folded in half, he braced his hands against the sink.

"Hey there son, take it easy, it's ok," he soothed. "Keep your head down for a minute." He tried to pat Reids back.

Reid felt like he had ginger ale fizzing in his brain. "David," he breathed.

"Shh! Relax for a minute." David looked around, there was no place to sit except the dirty floor. He felt Reid beginning to support his own weight. Spencer took some deep breaths

"You ok now, feeling a little better?"

Reid nodded.

"That's good, because if someone walks in here and sees me bending you over a counter, we're both in trouble. I can see the headlines now : '_Two FBI agents caught in bar washroom, el flagrante dilecto'"_

Dispite how bad he was feeling, Reid began to laugh. He straightened up a bit, Rossi let go of him a little. It was good to hear Reid laugh, he realized it was something he hardly ever heard. Reid turned and faced Rossi.

David let him go. "Now," he said quietly, "are you going to tell me what's going on?"

Spencer stared at the floor "Don't tell Hotch." His voice sounded small and childlike.

"What, are you sick kid? " Rossi's face took on a worried frown.

Reid nodded then hurried to say, "But I'm taking care of it. I'm seeing a doctor, my own doctor, just please don't tell Hotch."

Rossi gave a weary sigh. "Look, you're putting me in a bad position here; I can't lie to Hotch."

Reid shook his head. "No, not lie, just give me a little time. Please, I'm taking care of it, just a little longer. Please David."

Rossi studied the face of the younger agent, trying to read him. All he saw was fear. _'Fear of what' _He wondered.

David took a deep breath; he spoke in a soft voice "I know you're a very private person, and whatever this is, it's personal. but I have to tell you, we've all noticed stuff. Did you ever think, maybe we could help you?"

"No... you can't"

"Alright, I'm probably going to regret this. For now, unless anyone asks me directly, I wont say anything. Is this why you're taking a personal day tomorrow?"

"Yes, I'm seeing my Doctor."

"Well that's good," He handed Reid a paper towel."Here, blow your nose, you look like hell"

"Thanks," Spencer turned around. Rossi had no idea how close Reid had come to breaking down and telling him everything. Rossi took out his car keys and handed them to Reid .

"I'm driving you home. You know what my car looks like, just go, get in and wait for me." Spencer started to protest.

Rossi waved him off. "Look I gotta win one argument tonight. I'll pay our tabs, you can owe me. Now, do you feel good enough to walk outside?"

"Yes."

"Good, now go!"

Spencer turned to the older man, "Thank you David." and quietly left the mens room.

"Rossi stared at his reflection._ 'I must be getting soft, I never let anyone make deals with me' _. Rossi figured he wasn't going to let this go on for too long. He thought if

Reid started to lose it or he started looking worse, all bets were off. With this promise made to himself; he left the bathroom and made his way back to his table.

&&&&&&&&&&

Garcia had been nursing the same drink the entire evening. She could barely pay attention to what Morgan and Prentiss were saying. She had seen Rossi follow Reid to the bathroom, now she couldn't keep her eyes fixed anywhere else. She saw Reid come out and slip out the door and Rossi come out a few minutes later. He came back to their table. He was rather abrupt. he said he was giving Reid a ride home. He paid their tab and left.

"That was wierd," said Morgan

Prentiss stared after him. "He knows something." she said, almost to herself.

Garcia had enough, she stood up. "Sorry sweetstuffs, I have to go, There's somethng I have to do."

"What's that babygirl?"

"Something I should have done from the start." She put some money on the table and left. She was going to take care of this the only way she knew how.

&&&&&&&&&&&

Reid tried to relax The room was painted a bright cheery colour and there were murals on the wall, but nothing could distract him from the way he felt. He sat in a large vinyl upholstered chair with wide wooden arms. He concentrated on keeping his arm still, the nurse was going to insert the canula into his vein. He winced as it went in. He tried to remain detached and watch what she was doing. She was taking a syringe and injecting the chemo drugs into the intravenous line. . there, it was done, all he had to do now was sit and wait until it emptied..

She patted his arm, "There you go, all set, do you want anything Dr Reid?"

_'Yes, I want to go home, I want this over with, I want my mom ' _"No, I'm fine thank you."

"Ok, I'll be back in a little while."

Reid decided he would do some complex equations in his head or re-read a favourite book from memory, anything. He closed his eyes and tried to concentrate. He hadn't been sitting there five minutes when he thought he could smell a familiar sweet floral scented perfume. He felt a soft warm hand take his and gently squeeze. Reid opened his eyes. The lovely smiling face of Penelope Garcia was looking right at him.

"You didn't think you could do this without me did you?" She pushed some hair out of his eyes. " I'm here for the long haul kiddo."

Reid sat back in his chair. He didn't ask how she knew, at that moment he didn't care. He squeezed her hand back.

&&&&&&&&&&&&

FIN.

AN: Reid will discover how some people are there for him while others stay away.

Thank you for all the reviews for the previous chapter. It's great to hear all the feedback. Please read and review.


	6. Family and Friends

**Family and Friends**

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds.

'_Courage is not the towering oak that see's storms come and go; it is the fragile blossom that opens in the snow.' _Alice M Swain.

The Last Dream.

Spencer stood in the graveyard. It was another hot desert afternoon in Las Vegas. His parents stood on either side of him, silent and still as statues. In the distant sky he could see rainclouds gathering, dark and foreboding; soon it would be one of those spectacular desert thunderstorms. Night would come and the air would cool.

Spencer read the gravestone in front of him: Daniel Reid 1969 - 1986 _.' Poor uncle Daniel' _he thought. He turned to look at his parents, they were no longer there. The sun was setting now. He looked back at the grave, now there were two. He read the second one: Spencer William Reid 1981- 2009. His? How could this be? He was here, not down in the dark and cold with uncle Daniel. No, he had to leave this place. It was completely dark now; he couldn't see anything, he couldn't move. Spencer wanted to scream but no sound would issue from his lips. He could smell soil, dampness and rot. Panic was constricting his throat. He struggled and finally a scream burst forth from him.

"No, no, please don't leave me here, it's dark. Please don't leave me in the dark alone, please!" He screamed over and over until finally he saw light and felt warm hands and heard a soft voice utter soothing words in his ear.

&&&&&&&&&&&

Present day.

Penelope Garcia tossed and turned several times. She couldn't sleep. She thought about getting up and making a snack or maybe just watch some tv,.but she was trying not to disturb him. Garcia was attempting to get to sleep on his couch. This is where she had been sleeping the last few nights. It wasn't that his couch was so uncomfortable. It was the worry she felt about his second round of chemotherapy.

She had been there for the first round. He had looked relieved to see her. Funnily enough he never did ask her how she knew about his cancer or how she knew where to find him. She supposed he knew that she had her ways. The only thing he did ask was whether anyone else knew. She told him no and she relunctantly agreed to keep this quiet. She wanted to help him, not distress him furthur.

The first round had been difficult but managable. She wouldn't take no for answer when she insisted on staying with him the first few days after. She helped him back and forth to the bathroom when he had to throw up. She put cool cloths on his forehead and tried to cajole him into eating something. When he couldn't sleep she would sit up with him and watch comedies she rented just to coax a smile out of him. His doctor prescribed anti-nausea medication and he went back to work with no one any wiser about his condition He said the pills worked fairly well . Fortunately they only had to leave town twice that month after his first round of chemo, and they were relatively short trips. He got a break before his second round.

For this, Reid booked a weeks vacation. Penelope made sure to ask for a few days personel time. She had to be there for him. Kevin, her boyfriend, was upset with her. She didn't give him any details, but told him she had to help a sick friend and couldn't see him as much for a little while. He had sulked and complained. She figured he had to get over it. Kevin was big and strong and healthy with the appetite of a horse. Reid just needed her more.

The side effects of the second round of chemo hit him hard. He fell violently ill and vomited so frequently; when she finally told him to stay in in his room and put a bucket beside his bed, he was mortified. He wasn't too happy about her seeing him like this.

"What's a little barf between friends." she said. She was actually worried he might pass out and she couldn't lift him if he did. He was getting weaker, it frightened her. The only thing she could get him to eat was rice pudding, a recipe of her mother's that she loved as a kid.

It couldn't go on like this. She had to be back at work in a couple of days and yet she couldn't leave him alone.

She tossed and turned some more and when she started to feel a bit more settled on the couch; she heard a sound from Reid's bedroom that made her blood run cold. It was a high pitched bloodcurdling scream. It was Reid.

"No, no! Please don't leave me here, it's dark!"

Terrified, she leapt up and ran to his bedroom. She hurriedly switched the light on. Reid was sitting up in bed wild-eyed with terror screaming, "Please don't leave me in the dark, please!"

Garcia ran over and kneeled on the bed beside him, grabbing both his shoulders. Her heart was pounding out of her chest, she somehow felt caught up in his fear.

"Reid, wake up wake up, it's Penelope," she could see that his eyes were wide open, but he was not truly awake.

"Please don't leave me alone in the dark," he cried. She put her arms around him and clasped him to her.

"No no my baby, no one is going to leave you, I'm here." She began to rock him repeating those same words. He began to become more awake and calm down. She could feel his heart pumping through his damp t-shirt. He lay his head on her shoulder and tried to catch his breath.

"Garcia?" he said hesitantly.

"Shh, it's ok, I wont leave you," She held on to him and spoke in soothing tones until she felt he was calm enough for her to let go.

"I'm sorry," He said.

She smiled at him, her own heart rate now back to normal.

"Sweetie it's ok, you had a really bad dream. I'm glad I was here to help."

He hung his head, "I feel like such an idiot."

"Reid, please don't worry about it," She noticed his sweat soaked t-shirt. "C'mon, lets get that off." She nodded at his shirt. She went to one of his chest of drawers and pulled out a fresh one.

Reid pulled the damp top off over his head. Penelope looked away, not out of sensitivity to his modesty but rather his body was difficult for Penelope to look at. He was so thin, it made her want to cry. She avoided watching him as he pulled on his clean shirt.

She stood beside his bed, "May I get you anything sweetcheeks, soda, tea, gatoraid?"

He looked up at her, "I have my water here still, but thanks." He hesitated slightly then asked "Garcia, just one thing." His voice was quiet.

"Anything sweetie."

"Can you stay and talk to me?" He seemed almost embarrassed.

She smiled at him and climbed on the bed and lay down beside him on top of the covers. This had almost become a night time routine. Reid lay down on his side facing her and closed his eyes, Garcia pulled the blankets up over his thin shoulders and then she began to talk. She talked about anything and everything. She talked about her friends, her brothers, her parents, about growing up, Cal tech and various boyfriends. Sometimes he would ask a question, but mostly he just listened. He said he liked the sound of her voice. She glanced at him and when she saw that his breathing was slow and even and his features were relaxed, she knew he had fallen asleep. Garcia sat up and stroked his hair off his forehead. She noted the strands that came away in her hand.

"Goodnight sweetstuff," She whispered. Garcia made sure a dim light was left on and tip-toed back to the couch. This time she wouldn't toss and turn but fell immediately into a deep exhausted dreamless sleep.

&&&&&&&&&&&

It was Sunday Morning and Penelope had slept late. She could smell freshly brewed coffee. She fumbled for her glasses; was she imagining things? She blinked a couple of times to be sure. Spencer sat across from her in an armchair, reading a book and drinking a cup of coffee.

"Reid?" She said. She sat up, wondering if she were still dreaming.

He smiled at her. "Good morning, want some coffee?"

"Eh sure.. no no, I'll get it" She padded to the kitchen in her overly bright polka dot pyjamas. She got her coffee and sat down again opposite Reid.

"You ok?" she asked.

"I feel better today."

"Good!" though still not quite believing the sudden change."Can you eat?" She studied his face. It seemed quite serene.

"Sure, that'd be great."

She watched him closely. "I'll make toast and scrambled eggs."

Spencer put down his coffee and leaned forward. "Garcia, I need you to do something."

"You name it honeypie."

"I need you to go home and have a life again."

This she wasn't expecting and started to protest, but he stopped her.

"Now please hear me out." He moved to the couch and sat beside her."Garcia...Penelope, you have been absolutely amazing. I don't think I could have made it without you. I can never thank you enough, but you need your life back. You have to go back to work tomorrow, and Kevin needs you."

She took his boney hands in hers. "Reid, I'd worry about you if I didn't know how you were doing, if you were eating or sleeping."

He shook his head. "See, you shouldn't have to feel that way. I know Morgan invited you to his superbowl party thing tonight. Please go. I know it's not as much fun as watching me vomit, but you need to get out".

This made her laugh. She thought for a moment and narrowed her eyes at him. "Ok sugar, I'll make a deal with you. I will go to Morgan's party, but I will check up on you constantly, you will eat the breakfast I make you and one other thing."

"What's that?" He asked.

"When you go back to work, you will tell Hotch everything. Reid, he's your boss and your friend."

Spencer dropped back against the couch. "Garcia..."

"Spencer, this is non-negotible," he saw her looking at his hair. "You know you can't hide it forever; you have four more rounds of treatment. That's four months. You can't hide it, it's impossible." She looked at his stricken face. She softened her voice. "Honey, Hotch wont fire you because you're sick."

"No, he'll fire me for not being able to do my job."

"No no no Reid, we all care about you, just tell Hotch. He'll help, I know he will."

He sat back, looking defeated. "Ok, I'll eat your breakfast... and tell Hotch."

Garcia reached over and hugged him, but not too tight for he still felt like he might break.

For the next three hours, Garcia worked like a woman on fire. She did laundry, cleaned the small apartment, changed bedding and made enough rice pudding to feed a small army. Reid lay back on some cushions and watched her. Her energy amazed him. He wished he had one-tenth of it.

The sun was filtering through the livingroom windows, making him feel warm and sleepy. He started to doze off when he heard Garcia's voice.

"Sweetcheeks, hey." She whispered.

He opened his eyes "Huh?"

"I'm going now," She held up his cell phone."keep this with you at all times. I'll be calling, ok?"

He nodded.

"I made soup you can heat up, the pudding is in the fridge." She put a plate in front of him. "Chicken sandwich and tea, eat it."

He nodded at her again. "Have fun." He yawned.

She kissed his forehead. "Now don't make me worry."

He watched her leave the apartment and waited til he could no longer hear her footsteps in the hall. He stood up, took his sandwich to the kitchen and dumped it in the garbage along with the scrambled eggs he hid in a linen napkin from breakfast. Sleight of hand could be useful sometimes.

Spencer shuffled to the bathroom. He had to urinate urgently and what a relief to be able to finally go. He hadn't wanted Garcia to see how weak in the knees he was when he walked. He went to flush the toilet when he grimaced at what he saw. It happened again; it had started last night and he was afraid to tell Garcia lest she panic. He would tell his doctor when he saw him; besides, how do you tell a friend that you're pissing blood? He made his way to his bedroom, crawled into his bed and went to sleep.

&&&&&&&&&&&&

Derek Morgan was putting the finishing touches on his famous superbowl chili. "Delicious!" He said aloud. "Who says I can't cook?"

He was all set except for the fact this was going to be the smallest superbowl party he had ever hosted. Hotch was with Jack this weekend, JJ and Will said Henry was too colicky to take anywhere. Reid was who knows where.

The doorbell rang, it was Emily. She entered his house and handed him a bottle of wine.

"Morgan, your chili smells great," She looked around seeing that she was the only guest. "Hey, where is everybody?" She said feigning suspicion.

Morgan shrugged, "Garcia should be here any minute, you know about the rest, except for Rossi, he called about a half hour ago. He said he had to take his dog to the vet, it ate an entire box of chocolates."

"Rossi eats chocolates?" Emily asked.

"Yup, I guess that's why he has such a sunny disposition." Morgan grinned. The doorbell rang. "My last guest." He walked to the door.

Garcia stood outside Morgan's house, she was full of anxiety. She had the same feeling last night when she couldn't sleep. When she first left Reid's apartment, she had felt pretty good. She went home, showered, changed her clothes and left a sexy message for Kevin on his answering machine. Then that nagging feeling returned to her, that knot in the pit of her stomach that something wasn't quite right. She wanted to believe that Reid had turned some kind of corner. but it seemed a little too convenient. She thought about calling him but was afraid of disturbing a nap he might be taking. Whatever it was, a little voice in her head was not giving her a break about it. Garcia tried to force herself to relax, she was here to have fun, not bring down the party.

Morgan opened the door, "Babygirl, come right in." She smiled and followed him into the house. Morgan led her to the kitchen. "C'mon lady Penelope, Emily's probably three drinks ahead of you."

"Hey Morgan, not nice!" Laughed Emily.

"Would you like some wine?" Morgan asked.

Garcia nodded, Prentiss and Morgan exchanged puzzled glances. Morgan looked at her with concern, "Missy Garcia, everything all right?"

Garcia realized she hadn't spoken a word since she came in. She cleared her throat. "Sorry, just daydreaming, and yes sir I will have that wine."

"Now that's more like it," and he handed her a rather full glass.

"Did you invite Reid?" asked Emily.

"Nah, he's on vacation. He's probably knee deep at some genius nerd convention. They likely all get together once a year and make fun of all the regular people."

Morgan took a swig of his beer, "You know what's really sick, I kinda miss him. Everytime somebody stops talking, I keep expecting to hear his voice take off in some weird tangent."

"You're right, that is sick." agreed Emily.

Garcia barely listened to the playful banter between her two colleagues. She knew they were kidding, but it was the mention of Reid's name that brought her anxiety back. She hoped he didn't fall asleep and forget to leave a light on or have another nightmare. His insistance that he felt better, now seemed so forced. Was he hiding something from her? She put down her wine, her hands shook. The stress of the last couple of months was getting to her. Tears fell from her eyes. She tried to stop the emotions she felt. Garcia opened her mouth to speak, the only sound that came out was a strangled sob. She put both hands over her face, her shoulders shook.

Prentiss and Morgan whom until now, had been happily trading barbs were stunned by Garcia's sudden melt down.

Morgan bent down in front of her. "Garcia, babygirl, what is it? Look at me."

Garcia looked up into Morgan's worried face. He folded her into his arms "Please tell me what's wrong."

She could no longer hold it in.

"Reid." she gasped against his chest.

Prentiss frowned at Morgan, starting to feel a little nervous herself.

Morgan held her, "Reid? What about Reid."

Garcia held him even tighter.

"Derek, our boy is sick."

&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Prentiss and Morgan looked at each other, still unable to fathom what Garcia was talking about. Morgan led her to the sofa and sat her down. Prentiss sat down beside her and offered the sobbing woman some tissues. Morgan let her cry for a few minutes and when she seemed to be calming, he lifted her chin and peered anxiously into her eyes.

"Sick?" he repeated. "Honey, we all figured something was wrong, all you have to do is look at him." Prentiss nodded in agreement. She gave Garcia a comforting pat on the back. Garcia gazed at the two of them; they didn't know. It was too late to turn back now. Reid might despise her for this, but she was going to tell them. She took a deep breath.

"You don't understand, he's really sick. I've been staying with him when he has his chemotherapy."

"Chemo...what?" Morgans stomach tightened, and he asked a question he feared that he already knew the answer to.

"Why is he having chemotherapy?" He asked quietly. He saw Prentiss's eyes, wide and shocked.

Garcia sniffed and tried to control her voice. "Because he has cancer," She stared at the floor. She let the weight of her words sink in before she continued.

"I've known about it for a little while. He was trying to keep it a secret." She looked desperately at both her friends. "Oh Morgan, he's so sick!. It's like the treatment is killing him. I don't know what to do."

Morgan and Prentiss sat there in shock . Emily felt like someone had kicked her hard in the gut. Morgan had to let go of Garcia. His fists were curled up at his sides. He wanted to punch something really bad. He thought back to the night when Reid was drunk, the silly questions about being bald and his desire to try something he had never done. They made a wierd sort of sense now. Was Reid trying to reach out to him in his own Reid way?

"Where is he, Garcia?" He asked.

"At home, he had a bad night. This morning he seemed a little better...but I don't know. One good thing happened though, he agreed to talk to Hotch."

"That's good." Morgan said absently. He was still in shock, as at least 35 different emotions fought for control. Prentiss sat very still, trying to process everything and not quite succeeding . She covered her eyes with her hand and if you looked closely you could see the trembling.

"Tell us everything." Prentiss said.

Garcia launched into her story. She started from that night at the bar with her friends 'til now. She told them everything Reid had told her about his condition. They sat quietly and listened

The TV never did get turned on that night. The three friends sat and tried to figure out how they were going to help their youngest.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Spencer was so tired; he felt rooted to the spot he stood on. He looked around at Garcia's housework; she certainly was thorough. He gazed at the first aid kit on the top shelf in his bathroom, '_Bet she couldn't reach that'_ he thought. He meandered around his apartment, taking stock of all of his things. He thought perhaps it was time to do some house keeping of his own. He would start with his father.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&

FIN

AN: Things always get worse before they get better.

Wow! Thank you for all your kind reviews last time. Please read and review. It's great to hear all your insights.


	7. Anger and Pain

**Anger and Pain**

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds.

_"Where does one go from a world of insanity? Somewhere on the other side of despair," _-T.S Eliot.

Sunday night. 11:00 pm

Peace and quiet at last. JJ stood alone in her livingroom, debating whether she should tackle the dishes, put a load of Henry's little sleepers in the wash or just go to bed. She was bleary eyed and exhausted. She and Will spent most of their Sunday evening trying to get their colicky young son to settle and now he was finally asleep. Will fell asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. She had just decided her rest was more important than dishes and laundry when she heard a soft knock at the door.

_'Who in the world would be calling at this hour?' _She thought. She cautiously peeked out a side window and was surprised to see her colleague Spencer Reid standing on her porch. She opened the door. "Spence, what are you doing here?" she asked. She crossed her arms across her chest; suddenly aware she was wearing a nursing gown, the type with open slits at the front.

Spencer didn't even appear to notice. He was only looking at her face."JJ, sorry to be here so late." He held a large shopping bag in his hand.

JJ felt a little flustered and confused to see Spencer at her home this time of night. He looked a little spooky standing there; the light wind had blown his hair back and the porch light cast a glow around his already pale face. It lent him a hazy dreamlike quality. She stood staring at him when she realized she was leaving him standing in the cold.

"Come in Spence, It's cold."

He shook his head, "No, I just wanted to give you these for Henry." He held out the bag for her. "They're books, children's books. They used to be mine. I was going to wait 'til he was older but... " He didn't finish.

JJ took the bag from him, puzzled.

"Thank you Spence, but this could have waited."

He smiled at her. "Well you know in our line of work and all."

JJ felt uneasy, there was something odd about his manner. She held out her hand.

"Spence, " she said softly, " why don't you come in, I'll make some coffee, we'll visit." She gave him a smile.

Reid hesitated a moment. A part of him wanting nothing more then to go in the house. He looked at JJ with her mussy hair, no makeup and obvious lack of sleep. He took in how beautiful she looked.

"No, I'd better go. It's late." His large hazel eyes never left her face. "Goodnight JJ."

His thin form slowly walked back to his car. She stared after him and shivered, not really sure if it was from the cold.

&&&&&&&&&&&

Monday Morning 6:15 am

Spencer ended his phone call with his father. It had gone exactly how he thought it would, disastrously. He had dreaded talking to his dad but realized it was something he had to do. His father had been pretty excited at first when he received the call from his son. After the usual pleasantries people exchange with each other on the phone, Spencer went directly to the point and told his father about his illness. At first Spencer thought his father had hung up on him, due to the long silence on the other end; but then, he heard his dad start to cry.

This was not what he wanted, he wanted to be honest. He wanted to ask his dad that if anything should happen to him, would he keep an eye on his mother. Spencer long ago had made a will; financially she was taken care of. He just wanted her to be safe. Instead he found himself comforting the distraught man. His father asked him if he wanted him to come out there. Spencer told him no, and firmly insisted that things were being taken care of at his end. He told him he would stay in touch and to please not to worry and to absolutely say nothing to his mother. Spencer told his father goodbye and hung up.

He started coughing. He thought he might be catching a cold; he wrapped his arms around himself. He rocked back and forth til he could calm down. He still had to talk to Hotch.

Hundreds of miles away, William Reid's world went to pieces.

&&&&&&&&&&&&

Monday Morning 7:30 am.

Hotch hung up his phone and threw his pen across the room. He really felt like throwing something larger or even punching something like Morgan would; but that was just a little too out of control for him.

"Danm it!" he hissed between clenched teeth. He said this precisely the moment David Rossi walked into his office.

"Whoa, did I come at a bad time?" He picked up the pen Hotch had thrown.

Hotch shook his head. "One of my agents is lying to me."

Rossi was pretty sure he knew which one he was talking about, but stayed silent. Hotch closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"I got a call today, telling me that Reid has not shown up for his physical, in fact he has cancelled appointments four times. What the hell is the matter with him Dave?"

Rossi now felt the time had come to fess up to what little he knew. He sat down in the chair opposite the unit chief.

"I have got to tell you something Aaron."

The use of his first name got his attention. He regarded the older man, "Dave, you know something about this?"

"I know a little. A while ago, I saw Reid being sick and nearly pass out in the men's room."

Hotch sat up."What, when?"

"Let me finish, he told me then that he had some kind of health problem. He said he was taking care of it and wanted privacy. That's all I know."

"Why didn't you tell me this before ?" Hotch asked. He looked agitated.

"It was his business. I figured as long as he was doing his job, it could stay his business." Rossi could see that Hotch was angry.

"I don't like secrets. What kind of health problem?"

Rossi threw up his hands."He wouldn't say. I told myself if he started to look worse instead of better, I'd take it up with you."

"Gee thanks" said Hotch dryly. "I made him another appointment and when he comes back, I'm taking him there myself." He suddenly stopped speaking and stared out the window to the bullpen. Reid was making his way to Hotch's office; by the time Rossi turned around, Reid was standing in the doorway.

&&&&&&&&&&&&

"Your're early, aren't you still supposed to be on vacation?" said Rossi.

A pair of large hazel eyes looked directly at Hotch. "I need to talk to you."

Hotch's expression didn't change. "Sit down Reid."

Rossi made as if to leave, when Reid stopped him. "David, would you stay, you might as well hear this too."

Rossi gave Hotch a puzzled look and took the seat next to Reid.

Reid could feel Hotch's eyes upon him; he felt distinctly uncomfortable under the olders man's stern gaze. This was going to be harder than he thought. He cleared his throat and stole a quick glance at Rossi whose own face was a mask of concern.

"Alright, I'm listening." Hotch's voice was cold.

Reid took a deep breath and began. "I didn't want anyone to know this, so first of all, I'm sorry. I lied, I lied by omitting the truth." He drew another shakey breath.

"Some months ago, I found out I was sick," he looked at Hotch and swallowed nervously, "and I haven't been handling it very well." His voice broke. Rossi leaned over and covered his hand with his.

"I'm being treated for cancer. A type of Lymphoma." He heard Rossi gasp. "I just finished my radiation therapy and my second round of chemo." Hotch's face remained impassive. He merely stared at his subordinate. Spencer's chin quivered. He looked at the floor and tried to collect himself.

Rossi felt his eyes well up, he tried to blink back the tears. "It's ok Reid, take your time." He said softly.

Reid felt even shakier; Hotch's silence was unnerving. Spencer gripped the arms of his chair and continued. "It was fairly well advanced, but my doctor believes the prognosis is still pretty good. It's just that the treatment is making me really sick." Reid looked up at Hotch and tried to read his face. For a brief moment he thought he saw a flicker of something in his eyes, but it disappeared. Rossi squeezed his hand.

"I'm sorry Hotch, I'm sorry." his voice cracking. He looked at the floor unable to mantain eye contact with the older man. "I get a rest break after each treatment, so I should be back working in a few days." Rossi gave him an encouraging smile.

Hotch's eyes were now filled with sadness. He regarded the young man in front of him, he knew what he had to do and was saddened he had to add to the boy's misery.

"No Reid, I'm sorry, you're not coming back."

"What?" Reid's eyes widened.

Hotch leaned forward in his chair and spoke in a quiet voice. "As of now, you are no longer an active member of the team."

Rossi stared at the unit chief in shock. "Hotch, no!"

Reid's face was a mixture of disbelief and panic. He stood up " No Hotch I can still work, I can still do my job." His voice shook.

Hotch appeared unmoved by his plea, he merely stared at the panicked young man. "Reid, don't make this harder than it has to be. We'll talk about this later. There is procedure to follow."

"Just like that?" said Reid. "You're getting rid of me just like that?" His whole body shook.

"Go home, get some rest. Do what you have to do; we will talk later."

Reid could feel the bile rising in his throat. Of all the things he was expecting today, this wasn't it. He made a final plea; this time there was an edge to his voice.

"I don't understand, I can still work, my mind still works. Isn't that the only thing you want anyway, your walking talking computer?" He practically spit the words at them.

Both Hotch and Rossi winced at his words. Hotch closed his eyes. "Reid, we'll talk about this later."

Reid stared at the man who had helped him so much in the past, the man he trusted with his very life.

"Please, please, you don't have to do this!" the words rang eerily familiar to his ears.

"Reid, you need to go home."

He was being dismissed. "Yes Sir." He said in a barely audible voice. He walked out stunned and defeated. He felt sick, he had to get out before he lost the few mouthfuls of food he'd had for breakfast.

&&&&&&&&&&&

Rossi sprung out of his chair and faced Hotch. "With all due respect Hotch, what the hell was that; would you like me to find you some puppies to kick?"

Hotch leaned back in his chair, "Dave, not now."

"Yes now, the kid is seriously ill and the first thing you do is suspend him?"

Hotch rubbed his eyes. "Dave, did you see him? He looked like he could barely stand, much less work. I can't compromise the efficiency of this team and I certainly can't compromise his health. He's unfit for duty, anyone could see that."

Dave couldn't understand where this coldness was coming from. It didn't seem like Hotch at all. "No no, there's no good reason for this. I've got to talk to him." He marched out of Hotch's office.

Hotch sat quietly at his desk. He rubbed his temples, he drew a sharp intake of breath. He could feel his mask slipping. He stared around the office 'til he noticed the date on the calendar. He gave a mirthless laugh. The irony amazed him.

Hotch covered his face with his hands and fought for control. '_Please no, I can't do this again.' _He thought.

&&&&&&&&&&&

Garcia bustled into the BAU conference room. JJ was already explaining the latest case file. Garcia wondered why Hotch had called her in. There didn't seem to be anything here that required her expertise.

She sneezed; her eyes were runny and her throat was sore. She had woke up with a cold. She knew she couldn't see Reid, his immunities were low and she couldn't risk him catching something from her. She went to check on him around midnight last night. She found him sound asleep, fully clothed on his couch with the TV blaring. Instead of waking him, she covered him with a couple of blankets and turned the set off and went home. She would just have to keep tabs on him by telephone this week.

Garcia felt a little guilty for giving up his secret to Prentiss and Morgan, but it felt like a huge weight had been lifted from her. They talked about it all evening. They both wanted to help Reid, who was more like a little brother to them. They promised they would do whatever it took to help their friend.

Garcia turned her attention back to Hotch. He was telling the team this latest unsub's violence was escalating and it would only be a matter of time before he got his next victim. "Wheels up in twenty." he said. The group nodded but before they could leave; Aaron told them to wait a minute for he had an annoucement that was more of a personal nature ,that affected them all. The team sat down again. Hotch began to speak in a formal rehearsed manner.

"Reid came to see me this morning and imparted to me some rather distressing news," The team exchanged nervous looks, except for JJ who was still blissfully unaware of Reid's problems. "He has a serious illness and he will not be returning to the BAU." There was a collective gasp heard in the room. Hotch continued.

"I felt it would be in his best interests that he not return until he is well." Hotch looked at the shocked faces of his team.

"What, no sir, you can't do that." It was Garcia who spoke. "I promised him if he talked to you, you would help him, not fire him." She was becoming upset.

Hotch frowned at her. "First of all; you can't make promises on my behalf, he wasn't fired and you_ knew _about his cancer?"

"Cancer!" said a shocked JJ.

Garcia turned to her friend and touched her arm. "Oh JJ, I'm sorry. I forgot you didn't know."

Hotch was confused. "Garcia, I am helping him, and JJ, I'm sorry you had to find out this way,"

JJ merely nodded and sank into the nearest chair.

Morgan unable to sit still any longer leapt up from his seat, "Hotch, you let him go, I don't get it, why not let him work if he wants to?"

"I have to agree," stated Rossi. He hadn't been able to find Reid after he left and was worried about him. "This is all he has."

"Couldn't you have worked something out," chimed in Prentiss."You know he doesn't take rejection very well."

Garcia sneezed. "Poor Reid, it was my idea, he must be devastated."

Hotch put his hands in front of him as if he were trying to stop traffic. "Everybody, stop, the decision has been made. Try to remember we have a case to get to." With that Hotch walked out of the room; aware that five pairs of eyes were boring holes into the back of his head.

Rossi turned to JJ. "Are you alright?"

JJ turned and faced the team, her blue eyes moist with tears.

"He came to my house last night."

"He what?" said Rossi.

"Late last night, he brought books for Henry;_ his _old books. He seemed strange."

"I don't like the sound of that." said Morgan.

"Don't worry, I'll call him and I'll keep checking up on him. I'll let you know how he's doing." sniffed Garcia.

"Thanks babygirl," Morgan gave Garcia a quick hug. The lightness she had felt earliar was gone. The team got up and made their way to their desks. They grabbed their ready bags and were out the door. Garcia watched them leave minus one. She couldn't get her mind off Reid, She couldn't help but feel she had made everything worse for him.

&&&&&&&&&&&

Reid had made it home; he almost felt like collapsing on the floor. It seemed like he had been running on adrenaline since early this morning. Now he felt completely spent, though his heart was still pounding a mile a minute. The apartment seemed cold and empty without Garcia's cheerful presence. He was beside himself, the thing he feared the most had happened. He was exhausted, yet couldn't sit still. He went to his kitchen cupboard and saw the bottle of brandy he kept mostly for guests' he wasn't a big drinker. In spite of that he poured himself a sizable glass and downed it in three gulps, This brought on a coughing fit that nearly made him throw up. This did not deter him from pouring another. He wandered around his apartment, glass in hand. He felt himself starting to relax.

Spencer stopped in front of his bookcase and studied his small collection of photographs. There was one of his Mother when she was about 35 or so. There was another one of the BAU team taken at a retirement party and another one of him and Gideon. Gideon stood there smiling with his arm around Reid's shoulders, and he was sort of smiling too. He remembered being uncomfortable posing for a picture. He picked up the photo and took a closer look; suddenly he hurled the photo across the room against the livingroom wall. It smashed into a few dozen pieces. He raised his glass in a mock toast, took a drink and then hurled the glass across the room as well. Reid giggled_, 'that felt good' _he thought. He meandered around some more, staggering from room to room. He was feeling this strange sense of disassociation. It was as if he were watching himself move about his apartment. He went to the kitchen, he wasn't hungry, food just made him cough anyway.

He needed something. In a instant he knew exactly what he wanted. He grabbed a chair from the kitchen and dragged it to the bathroom. He stood on top of it and reached for the small white metal box on the top shelf of the bathroom cabinet. He took it to his bedroom and sat cross legged on his bed staring at the box for what seemed like an eternity. One shaking hand reached out and slowly opened it. There they were, a supply of syringes, a piece of rubber tubing and two perfect vials filled with a slightly pinkish liquid. He smiled, they had been patient, they waited for him, for they knew he would be back.

_'Happy second anniversary Tobias.' _

FIN

AN: The team are in for a surprise when they return several days later from their case. Unfortunately, not a pleasant one.

Thanks again for the reviews. Please read and review this one. I enjoy your feedback and your opinions.

.


	8. Questions and Blame

**Questions and Blame**

I do not own criminal minds, Be nice if I did

**AN: I just wanted to give a little warning that the next couple of chapters are going to be particularily angsty.**

_'Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow.' _Albert Einstein.

Aaron Hotchner strode out the front doors of the hospital. He felt like he couldn't breathe. He stopped at the driveway and inhaled the cold night air. Hotch stood there, arms at his side; feeling utterly helpless. He heard familiar footsteps behind him.

"Aaron." It was Rossi's voice, softer and gentler than usual. Hotch turned around and faced his old friend. Rossi was struck by how different Hotch looked. His stern countenence and air of quiet confidence and stoicism were gone. The face of the man who stood before him now was stark with raw emotion. Bewilderment and grief transformed his face into someone he barely recognized. Hotch's dark eyes peered into his.

"Did I do this Dave?" He asked his friend and colleague.

Rossi frowned at him. "Did you do this?" Rossi repeated. "Hotch, you can't give someone cancer."

Hotch walked closer to him."You know what I mean. Did I make him stop fighting; did I take away the thing he cared about most?"

Rossi didn't know how to answer, he looked out past Hotch into the street.

"Hotch I..."

Aaron could read his friends face. 'It's ok Dave, I think you just answered my question."

"Nobody blames you Aaron."

"Really, I guess didn't you see Morgan's face in there?" said Hotch ruefully.

"He's just upset, tonight was a shock, a shock for everyone." Dave wanted to comfort his friend.

Hotch ran a hand through his hair. "I have to call his father." Rossi put his hand on his friend's shoulder.

"It's 2 am, the man is probably sleeping. Let him have this one nights rest. A few more hours wont make any difference."

Hotch nodded in agreement. "You're right, I know I wouldn't like to get a call like that about Jack." His voice starting to crack.

Rossi looked back at the hospital. "I'm going back in Hotch. Why don't you go home, get some rest and come back later." Rossi gave his friends shoulder a squeeze and then headed back toward the door.

Hotch watched Rossi walk away; he thought he would go home but he wouldn't sleep The guilt he felt was devouring him.

&&&&&&&&&&

**Four and a half hours earlier**

Morgan and Rossi were the last of the team to step off the BAU jet. They were glad to be home. They had worked the last four days on a case that was particularily gruesome. They were about to go to their separate vehicles when Morgan's cell phone rang. It was Garcia; Morgan frowned, it was unusual for her to call him at this time of night.

"Hey babygirl, what's up?"

"Morgan, I need your help." Morgan could hear the panic in her voice.

"What's wrong?" He stopped walking and motioned for Rossi to wait.

"It's Reid, I haven't been able to reach him all day. I've been checking up on him by phone, several times a day, ,just like I said I would, but today I can't reach him." He could hear her sniffling, unsure if it was caused by tears or the cold she had.

"Ok, calm down princess. He's probably asleep or he went out or just not answering the phone."

"Please Morgan, I'm two seconds away from calling 911. Please check on him for me."

"Of course, I'm on my way." He looked at Rossi who was motioning he was coming too. "Rossi's coming with me." He added.

"Thank you " she sniffed "please call me when you get there."

"I will babygirl, now calm down; like I said he's probably just engrossed in some stupid science fiction marathon, ok?"

"Please hurry Derek, I just have this really bad feeling."

"Be calm babygirl, think good thoughts. I will call you." He said soothingly as he ended the call.

"Reid?" said Rossi.

"Yeah, hasn't answered the phone all day. I don't like the sound of it." Morgan's voice hardened. He was now anything but calm. The two men climbed into Rossi's vehicle and drove straight to Reid's.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&

The two agents stood outside the door to Reid's apartment. There was no noise coming from inside. Rossi knocked politely, they waited, Morgan knocked a little harder, still nothing.

He felt a tightening knot in his stomach. He had an urge to knock the door down; instead he tried the handle. Much to his amazement, it was unlocked. He opened the door and both he and Rossi stepped inside the darkened apartment. It gave both men chills. the silence and darkness was too eerily reminiscent of all the times they had entered the homes of victims. Morgan heard the sound of glass breaking under his feet. He reached for the wall switch and turned on the light; he saw the broken shards of glass all over the floor.

"Reid ?" Morgan called out. "Are you here?"

They crossed the living room to the small kitchen. It was a mess. Food was left out, a tin of soup was opened but never prepared, milk was left to go sour on the counter and a nearly empty Brandy bottle was tipped over on it's side.

"Reid! It's us. Morgan and Rossi," He called again.

They headed toward the bedroom when they both saw the thin stream of light coming out from beneath the bathroom door.

"He's in there" said Rossi They hurried over to the door and opened it. Rossi saw him first.

Reid was sitting slumped up against the bathroom wall staring into space. He was wearing pyjama bottoms and a haphazardly buttoned white dress shirt.

"Reid are you alright?" asked Rossi, his voice gentle. Reid didn't answer. Rossi looked around the bathroom; both he and Morgan noticed the bloodstained water in the toilet at the same time. Morgan lowered the lid. He knelt down beside Reid. Reid finally noticed the two of them.

"Hi guys." He said, soft and casual, as if having Morgan and Rossi in the bathroom with him was the most natural thing in the world. Morgan placed his hand on his friend's bony shoulder.

"Hey Reid, what are you doing here?"

Reid calmly looked at his friends. "I had to pee and then I fell off that chair." He pointed to the kitchen chair in front of his bathroom cabinet

"How long have you been here?"

He stared in front of him, his expression blank. "I don't know."

Rossi and Morgan exchanged puzzled glances, why was he so out of it? They wondered if he had hit his head.

"Come on pretty boy, we're gettin you out of here." The two men lifted Reid into a standing position. They slowly started to walk Reid down the hall. Morgan saw the broken photo of Gideon on the floor; he couldn't resist giving it a little extra kick.

"We're going to take you to a doctor." Morgan told him.

Reid stopped. "I need to sit down please."

"You know, that's a pretty good idea." Said Rossi with a forced cheerfulness. They walked him over to the sofa and sat Reid down. He started breathing heavily as if the exhertion of the walk from the bathroom was too tiring for him. Morgan sat down close beside him. He could feel the sick heat that came off his body; Reid obviously had a fever. Rossi knelt down in front of him.

"You know why this is such a good idea?" said Rossi in a gentle voice. "because we need to find you some slippers and a sweater to go out in." Rossi frowned at Reid's shirt buttons done up in the wrong holes.

"Let me fix these." He said. Reid sat passively still as Rossi unbuttoned his shirt. "You know I had a nephew who did his shirts up this way."_ 'Of course he was three years old.' _he thought. Rossi tried not to react when he saw Reids bare chest. He had never seen a man that thin. He quickly redid the buttons up properly.

"I'm thirsty." Reid said to no one in particular.

Rossi immediately went to the kitchen for a glass of water. He sat beside him and helped him hold the glass. He drank greedily in large gulps. Morgan wondered how long Reid had been on that bathroom floor.

"Take it easy kid, you don't want to get sick," warned Morgan.

No sooner had Morgan said this when Spencer began to cough. Coughing that wracked his whole body. He had just about settled when on the last cough a great spray of blood burst forth from his lungs and mouth onto his legs and the carpet in front of him.

"Holy shit!" Rossi exclaimed, his heart now beating a mile a minute. "Screw this Morgan, I'm calling an ambulance." He pulled out his cell phone and called 911. Morgan nodded his head in agreement; he was momentarily stunned into silence.

Spencers head lolled forward, Morgan reached out, put his hand on Reid's forehead and held it back next to his own. Now he was scared.

'_What the hell happened these last four days?' _He thought.

Reid was still breathing like someone trying to catch his breath. Morgan held him close; his hair smelled dirty. Morgan thought it was unlikely Reid had been able to bathe himself. He wanted to offer some comforting words to his friend.

"It's going to be ok kid, Rossi is calling an ambulance. We're going to get some help here soon."

Rossi turned and spoke to him. "I'm gonna wait outside for them, they should be here any minute." He left the apartment.

"Morgan." Reid gasped.

"Yeah, what is it?"

Reid furrowed his brow as if trying to remember something important, then he said.

"I was good Morgan, I didn't do it,"

"Of course you were, you're always good ." Morgan really didn't know what he was talking about, but he wanted to placate him.

"You tell Hotch, ok."

"Yes yes, I will." Morgan said in a tone of voice one would use with a child.

"Good," Reid said. This answer seemed to sooth him and he closed his eyes and relaxed into Morgan's body.

Morgan could hear Rossi's voice and the paramedics rushing down the hall. The EMTs gave him a funny look as they entered the apartment. Morgan realized he was sitting with his lips pressed against the side of Reid's head and holding his hand, but at this point Morgan didn't really give a damn. The two medics hurried over to him.

"We got him sir." Morgan let him go so they could work.

"What's his name?" The older EMT asked.

"Reid... I mean Spencer."

"Spencer, we're going to help you. We're going to take you to a hospital to see some Doctors." With gloved hands they effortlessly lifted the young agent off the sofa onto a gurney.

"Set up an IV Bob and get the mask ready; I'll radio the hospital," ordered the older of the two men. Rossi had supplied the paramedics with as much information as he knew but he had to ask them the question that had been bothering him.

"Why does he seem so out of it?" He asked the younger paramedic.

The paramedic didn't meet his eyes.

"Hard to say sir, could be fever, which he has; 103.1 in fact. Or medication or sometimes... " He hesitated, unsure if he should say this. "Sometimes they get like this before the end." The older paramedic shot his partner a hard look. Rossi felt a coldness wash over his body; He saw Morgans' fists clench out of the corner of his eyes. Reid gave a painful yelp as the IV went into his thin arm. They placed the oxygen mask over his nose and mouth.

"This will make you feel better Spencer, just relax, we're going for a ride." The older paramedic turned to the two agents.

"One of you can ride along with us if you want."

Rossi turned to look at Morgan, Derek wiped the back of his hand across his eyes. "I don't think I can, I'll call Garcia and Hotch and meet you at the hospital." Rossi understood.

"It's alright, I'll ride with him." He followed the EMTs and Reid outside and into the back of a waiting ambulance. With sirens blaring and lights flashing they pulled out into traffic. Rossi gazed down at the young agent. The young man he had thought so strange when he had first met him. He smiled at the memory.

Reid's eyes opened. He stared at Rossi, uncomprehendingly at first, confusion clouding his eyes then finally a sense of recognition. His hand reached over and tugged on the sleeve of Rossi's jacket. Rossi took Spencer's hand in his.

"What is it Spencer?"

He tried to speak through the mask but couldn't. Rossi asked the Emt if he could remove the mask for a few seconds. The paramedic complied.

Reid's eyes widened. "Is Hotch still mad at me?" He whispered.

This broke Ross's heart; he leaned forward and answered in a gentle voice. "No Reid, nobody's mad at you."

"You tell Hotch I was good, I didn't do it, I was good."

"I will Reid." Like Morgan before him he didn't know what Reid was talking about; he just wanted to bring some comfort to the boy.

Reid gave a little smile. "Thank you." He said. The paramedic replaced the mask , Reid closed his eyes and seemed to fall asleep.

"We're almost there." said the driver. The ambulance was starting to slow down and pull into the emergency entrance. Rossi held on tightly to Spencer's hand, wishing he could transfer him some of his own strength.

To be continued...

**AN: I will try to have the next chapter up fairly soon. Please read and review. Once again I must say how much I appreciate** **your feedback and kind words.**


	9. Mysteries and Mothers

Mysteries and Mothers

I do not own Criminal Minds: Alas!

_'Friends though absent, are still present_ ' Cicero

Bennington Sanitarium.

_"Mom!"_

_"What is it baby?" she answered aloud. Diana Reid sat bolt upright in her bed and looked around her darkened bedroom. She knew she was alone; but she had heard him. His voice, urgent and clear as a bell, as if he were sitting right next to her. She turned on her bedside lamp and squinted as her eyes adjusted to the light. Her body felt chilled. Diana pulled on one of her cardigans over her nightgown and got out of bed. She walked barefoot into the hall, it was fairly quiet except for the familiar nightime sobbing of old Mrs Harmon._

_The night staff at the end of the hall looked up, surprised to see Mrs Reid padding down the hall toward them. The nurse in charge put down his coffee and met her before she reached the desk._

_"Hi Diana, what's wrong, why are you up?"_

_She pursed her lips, "I think my baby needs me." she said._

_"Your baby?"_

_"I heard him calling me; in my room."_

_The nurse smiled indulgently at her. "I think you had a dream Diana."_

_She shook her head "No I heard him, he woke me up." She said with certainty._

_"Some dreams can seem very real. Let me take you back to bed." He took her by the elbow and guided her back to her room. She let herself be led back._

_Diana lay in bed. She thought about how this had happened before, once when Spencer was a little boy in school and again a couple of years ago. Her mind was unclear, they had given her a pill to sleep. She felt herself drifting off. She wished he would visit her again, her "bright knight." She missed him. _

&&&&&&&&&&&&

The ambulance stopped in front of the emergency room doors. To David Rossi, it was if everything started to move in fast speed. They lifted the gurney out of the ambulance and rushed Reid into the ER. Spencer was suddenly surrounded by a flurry of activity. Rossi followed him as he was quicky taken to an exam room and lifted onto a table. Reid now awake, seemed strangely oblivious to the strange hands and voices touching and speaking to him. Rossi thought it was probably for the best since it was well known Reid didn't like being touched. A doctor hovered above Reid; barking orders for blood and urine samples to be taken while he listened to the young man's chest with his stethoscope. A nurse began removing Reid's clothes. Rossi turned away; he knew Reid wouldn't want people watching him at his most vulnerable. An older nurse noticed Rossi standing off to the side and came to speak to him.

"Are you this young man's father?" she asked.

"Ah no," said Rossi surprised. "I work with him."

"Perhaps it might be better if you waited outside. Someone willl come out and speak to you in a few moments sir."

Rossi agreed even though he didn't like the idea of leaving Reid alone with strangers. He walked over to the table and bent down near the young agent's head.

"Reid, I'll be right outside. These people are going to take care of you." He said in a soft voice.

Reid's face was expressionless. He blinked at Rossi, turned his head and went back to staring at the ceiling.

Rossi walked out to the waiting room just beyond the glassed in emergency area. He wasn't surprised to see the entire team waiting for him. JJ stood beside Prentiss looking

puffy eyed and scared. Morgan was there with his arm around Garcia's shoulders. There was Hotch, looking more worried and haggard than Rossi had ever seen him. Hotch stepped toward him.

"Dave, how is he?" he looked like he was almost afraid of the answer.

Rossi sighed. "I don't really know, he doesn't seem to be in pain, just really out of it. He's saying things that don't make any sense. Morgan and I saw him cough up blood and..." He hesitated a little before he said this. "We saw blood in the toilet bowl... we think he's probably urinating blood as well." It crossed his mind how humiliated Reid would be by this conversation about him.

Garcia's face crumpled and she began to sob. "It's my fault, I should have watched him better. It was this stupid cold; I didn't want him to catch it!"

Morgan put his arms around her. "Hey there princess, stop that; you know it's not anybodys fault." She buried her face in his chest.

Prentiss stepped forward, her hands clasped together like she was concentrating hard on maintaining her composure. "You know we're probably going to be here for a while, why don't I go get us all some coffee. JJ, do you want to come with me?" JJ nodded, glad to be able to do something even if it was just getting coffee. The two women walked down the hall together. Garcia settled herself into one of the chairs. The three men stood there, trying not to silently assign blame on one another or worse, themselves.

The few moments the nurse spoke of earliar had turned into nearly two hours. The team sat, not even bothering to make conversation. The glum silence was broken by the sound of a deep male voice.

"Are you the family of Spencer Reid?"

The team looked up to see two men in lab coats standing in front of them. There was a collective yes. Hotch stood up and moved toward the Drs.

"Yes, I mean I'm his emergency contact. Dr Reid's family lives in Las Vegas."

The Doctors introduced themselves. "I'm Dr Cordell and this is Dr Wright, our on staff oncologist."

"Is Spence alright?" blurted out JJ suddenly. Her nerves were shot. The team looked at the two physicians. Dr Cordell looked Hotch directly in the eye.

"Spencer is a very sick young man." He said.

_'No shit Sherlock!'_ thought Rossi.

The doctor opened the file he held in his hand. "We have the results of the preliminary blood tests and urine samples we took. It would seem Spencer is experiencing Nephrotoxicity, or renal failure."

"What?" Hotch said sharply. "Renal, you mean his kidneys?"

"You mean the cancer has spread to his kidneys?" Morgan said, remembering all the blood he had seen. He felt sick to his stomach.

"No, we don't believe that is the case. We think Spencer is suffering from a serious, but uncommon side effect of his chemo drugs, renal toxicity. Unfortunately the chest sounds and xrays shows he also has developed pneumonia in both lungs. We are treating that with antibiotics and oxygen therapy. We are still waiting for our cardiologist to look over the results of his echocardiogram."

"His heart?" said Prentiss in a small voice.

The two physicians looked at the team realizing the amount of information might be overwhelming them.

"Yes, it's a precaution, we detected an arrhythmia, you see the same chemotherapy drugs can also cause cardiac toxicity or congestive heart failure. The renal toxicity can be reversed, the heart, much more difficult to treat." The doctor explained. The team looked shell shocked.

Rossi sank back into a chair; he wondered how much suffering one young man could take.

"Spencer managed to tell us his oncologist is a Dr Stewart Bledsoe, he has privilages at this hospital. Unfortunately Dr Bledsoe is on a two day conference in Ohio. We'll get in touch with his office tomorrow and see if we can get his files sent over somehow."

Garcia's head snapped up. "My laptop's in the car, but sir do I have your permission to use the bureau's computer tonight?" She said to Hotch.

"Absolutely." Hotch replied.

She turned to the group. "I'll have Dr Bledsoe here tomorrow morning, nobody leaves my baby in a lurch." She marched out of the hospital; her eyes filled with a steely determination.

The doctors stared out after her. "I'm afraid your friend is going to be disappointed, we don't even know what hotel or city Dr Bledsoe is staying in."

The team just looked at each other. "That shouldn't be a problem." said Prentiss dryly.

"Why is he so confused and spacey sounding?" asked Rossi.

The profilers did not fail to notice the look the two doctors exchanged. "Ahem, we are really working on getting him stabilized right now. There is another specialist we would like to consult with later." They felt uncomfortable. They looked at the stricken faces in front of them. These people did not need to hear any more bad news.

"We are making him comfortable, he's in ICU if any of you would like to see him?"

"Dr." said Rossi. "Do you think it would be alright if we took turns staying with him, we think it might help."

The Doctors looked at this unusual group. "I guess it would be ok as long as you didn't disturb him too much or interfere with his care."

A nurse walked out of the ICU. "Patient Reid has asked for somebody named Hotch."

The team looked around; Hotch had left. They saw him walking hurriedly towards the exit doors.

"Damn," muttered Morgan, putting his hands to his throbbing temples.

"I'll go see Reid," said Prentiss quietly.

Rossi followed Hotch outside.

&&&&&&&&&&&

Rossi walked back into the waiting room. He was greeted by an upset Morgan and JJ.

"Where is Hotch?" Morgan asked.

"I told him to go home and rest."

"What the hell! Reid asked for him." Morgan couldn't believe what he was hearing.

Rossi attempted to calm the younger man. "Morgan, we're all upset and tired, even Hotch. We'll tell Reid Hotch had to leave or wasn't available."

"Yeah, wasn't available; that about says it all." muttered Morgan under his breath.

"It's just that I don't think it's going to do any of us any good to sit out here and worry. I think we should take shifts being with Reid, at least while he's in ICU, It might help him to know one of us is with him."

Morgan nodded his head, he had at least found something he could agree with. JJ looked at the two men. She was tired and didn't care to get in the middle of one of their male contests of who was more right.

"Guys I'll be here tomorrow, I just want to see Reid before I go." She got up, spoke briefly to a nurse and went into the intensive care area.

The two agents watched her go, they walked out of the waiting room. They could see Reid in ICU through the glass wall. JJ and Prentiss stood on either side of his bed. They couldn't tell whether he was awake or not. JJ took his hand and bent down to speak to him. He didn't react. Rossi and Morgan were reminded of why they were there.

"Do you think the kid's going to make it?" asked Morgan.

"I sure as hell hope so, I wonder what the statistics are on something like this?" Said Rossi.

"I don't know, but I bet Reid could tell us."

&&&&&&&&&&&&

Hotch unlocked the front door and let himself in to his empty house. It was just a house now, it no longer felt like a home. He knew he should probably sell it but there were some memories he wasn't willing to let go of just yet.

He went to the kitchen and saw the half empty bottle of scotch, he opened the fridge and reached for a gingerale instead. He moved to the living room and flopped down into an armchair in a very unHotch-like manner. He rubbed the cold can across his forehead. He thought he should probably get some sleep, but he couldn't. The conversation he had with Rossi had done little to ease his guilt. He had let Reid down.

Aaron had really believed he had been doing what was best for Reid. To stay home, concentrate on getting well. He felt Reid needed him to be strong and unemotional and calm. Now he felt like he was instrumental in nearly killing him.

He remembered too well how it was with his father. His father had died of lung cancer when Hotch was in high school. His dad had chose to spend his remaining days isolating himself at his office, away from his family. He didn't want that for Reid, or did he he? Aaron wondered at his own motives, maybe he was being more selfish than he realized. Perhaps he was only thinking of himself; maybe he just didn't want to watch Reid die in front of him, not again. Whatever his reasons were; he didn't take into account that the BAU_ was_ Reid's family.

He sat a long time in the dark, numbly drinking his soda; he might have even dozed off for awhile. He felt helpless; there was nothing he could do. All of this was beyond his control. Then a thought occurred to him, an idea, it wasn't much, there was one thing he could do for Reid. He got up, turned on the lights and began to search the house. He knew what he was looking for and he was pretty sure Haley wouldn't have taken it with her, since it was his. He went up to his bedroom and tried to recall where he kept it. It was something they would hide from Jack so logically; it was hidden some place up high. He grabbed a footstool from the bathroom and searched the top shelf of his bedroom closet. He found it, he grabbed it and put it in a bag and left the house. He got in his car and headed straight back to the hospital.

&&&&&&&&&&&&

Hotch entered the hospital though the emergency doors. He needed to flash his badge a few times to get through to the ICU. He noticed the others had left. The hospital was eerily silent. Hotch saw the glassed in area where Reid lay and went in. He looked so small and pale lying in a oversized hospital gown. The oxygen mask was gone, replaced by a nasal canula. He was hooked up to an heart moniter, an IV and Hotch could see a catheter tube running beneath his bed.

Prentiss was with him. She gave Hotch a quick smile when she saw him. She was rubbing some sort of lotion on Reid's hands and arms; being careful not to disturb the IV line.

"What are you doing?" He asked quietly.

She showed him the tube of lotion she was using. " It's so dry in these places, I remember from when my grandfather was in the hospital, the lotion feels nice on the skin." She answered, without looking up. She took a comb from her bag and gently combed Reid's hair to the side, off his face.

"I don't know how he deals with all that hair." said Hotch with a small smile.

Emily pulled off thick strands of it out of her comb. Frowning she said. "Looks like he wont have to much longer."

Hotch nodded, "How's he been?"

"Kind of restless; wakes up every now and then, talks to me. Sometimes he makes sense, sometimes not."

"Emily I would like you to go home now, get some rest. I'll stay with Reid."

She looked up at him. "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I want to."

She studied the face of the unit chief. She saw the pain in his eyes. This was something he needed to do.

"Ok, I'll see you tomorrow." She gathered up her things and bent down and gave Reid a light kiss on his forehead. She said goodnight to Hotch and left.

Hotch pulled up a chair close to Reid's bed. The scrapping sound awakened him. His eyes fluttered open, he turned his head to see Hotch sitting near him. Hotch reached down and pulled the object he had brought from home out of the bag. He held it up and showed it to Reid. Reid managed a small nod.

Aaron sat back in his chair and opened the first page of his mother's first edition copy of _'To Kill a Mockingbird.' _He began to read.

Reid closed his eyes and let the warmth and beauty of the familiar text wash over him. He let out a sigh and listened.

To be continued...

**AN: Reid is in a very dark place in the next chapter. **

Please read and review, everybody has been very generous with their comments and I thank you.


	10. Facts and Fantasy

**Facts and Fantasy**

Disclaimer: I do not own criminal minds. Sad about it too!

_'It is part of the cure to wish to be cured' _Seneca.

&&&&&&&&&&&

_Spencer was dreaming, this time there was no mother or father or dying uncles; only him alone in a strange kitchen. His hands were in a sink full of soapy water and dirty dishes._

_He stood looking out a window in front of him; it was a beautiful sunlit day. He longed to be out there, but the dish pile was endless and everything had to be clean._

_He felt soft warm arms slip around his waist and a feminine body press up against him from behind._

_"Do you love me?" the woman whispered._

_"Always." He answered._

_"Then why do you want to leave me?"_

_"I have to." he said._

_"No, Ive been waiting for such a long time for you." Her voice full of sorrow._

_"Too much pain, I can't, everything hurts now."_

_"But I've been waiting for such a long time, please."_

_He began to feel the arms slip away._

&&&&&&&&&&&

Reid woke up; he was in a hospital. That, he knew. He heard the beep of a heart moniter, he saw the IV drip and felt the discomfort of the catheter tube. He turned his head and saw the BAU unit chief slumped in a nearby chair, asleep; still in his suit and tie and a hard cover book on the floor in front of him.

Reid opened his mouth to try to speak to him, but his mouth and throat were so dry it was difficult to make any sound; he wished he could reach the water on the table beside him. He inhaled. It was easier to breathe today; that at least was a relief.

He tried to recall the events of the last several days. His memories came to him like a series of short film clips. He remembered coming home after his talk with Hotch at the BAU. He saw himself getting drunk and retrieving the dilaudid from the shelf in the bathroom. He remembered how cool and good the vials felt in his hands. The way they seemed to whisper in his ear, soft and sensual like a lover's caress, the promise of oblivion. He even took out a syringe and was about to fill it when he realized just having it there was enough; to know if he really needed it; it was right there. He put the needle and vials away. Besides, a part of him also knew if he did take the drugs, Hotch might never let him come back.

There was also that other thing. This new feeling. He wasn't sure, but it seemed that this new feeling was taking him over. He couldn't explain it, but something else was happening to him. Something he couldn't control or understand. His emotions felt dull and blunted. His body felt like it was dissolving or other times as if he were only an observer of his own life, standing off to the side watching events unfold; yet at the same time he had a grasp on what was real and what wasn't.

He remembered Garcia's phone calls and telling her what she needed to hear. He had slept mostly. He tried to eat, but he wasn't hungry so he stopped. He had attempted to get dressed and barely got a shirt on. He recalled staring at the dilaudid again and thinking if he should die here, they would find it sitting on his bed table, and Hotch would be so disappointed. That's when he decided that he would put it back up on the shelf, that's when he fell off the chair. The whole time it felt like he was watchng some dull home video starring himself.

The feeling of cool hands touchng him brought him back to the present. A pretty nurse was taking his temperature. She smiled at him.

"Temperatures almost back to normal." She said. He nodded and smiled weakly at her. Hotch had woken up and walked over to him.

"Good morning, how are you feeling?" He asked in a rough voice. Before Reid had a chance to answer another nurse and an orderly came in. They each grabbed a side of the bed and began to move it along with the moniter and IV pole.

"We're taking him upstairs for more tests." They said as they began to move the bed out the door. "He'll likely be moved into a regular room after that, we'll let you know where he is." Hotch watched them take the young man. Reid's eyes never left him as he was wheeled away.

Hotch couldn't believe how grimy he felt. He rubbed his neck trying to work the kinks out. He was about to leave when he saw Rossi with a tray of take out coffee.

"Hey, Prentiss told me you'd be here; figured you could use one of these." He held out the coffee.

"Thanks, you were right." said Hotch as he took the cup.

Rossi looked around the empty room, somewhat puzzled.

"Where's Reid?" He asked.

"He's not here anymore." said Hotch sipping his coffee, his eyes downcast.

Rossi stared at him, his eyes wide.

Hotch suddenly realized how that sounded, "Oh no Dave! I mean they took him for tests and then they said he's being put in a regular room." He said quickly.

Rossi breathed a sigh of relief. "Holy shit Hotch, you just about gave me a heart attack."

"Sorry Dave, not quite awake yet. I heard the nurse tell him his fever was down."

"That's something positive."

A rather serious looking middle aged man approached the two profilers. "Are you agents Hotchner and Rossi?" He asked.

They turned to look at the bleary eyed man in front of them with a file in his hand. "Yes." They both answered.

"I'm Dr Bledsoe, I returned early this morning, I heard about my patient Spencer Reid."

"We're grateful you were able to make it back Dr Bledsoe." Said Hotch.

The doctor arched an eyebrow at them. "Your technical analyst is extremely persuasive."

The two FBI profilers tried to suppress their smiles.

"I am rather shocked at Spencer's condition," The doctor continued. "However, he is responding to the antibiotics for the pneumonia and we removed the catheter this morning. I spoke to the cardiologist who looked over his echocardiogram and he is not experiencing congestive heart failure. "

Hotch and Rossi exhaled, not realizing they had been holding their breath. The doctor looked at them.

"Spencer is not out of the woods yet," He said, frowning. "He is in a terribly weakened state, his blood alcohol level was high, and he was seriously dehydrated when he came in last night. The nurse has been trying to get him to eat this morning and he has been quite resistant. And of course there is another specialist I'm told he needs to see..." Before he could finish his sentence a nurse appeared at his side and spoke quietly into his ear.

"I'm sorry, I have something I must attend to." He began to walk away.

"Wait, it was the chemo that caused the kidney failure, what are you going to do about that?" Called Rossi as he and Hotch followed the Doctor down the hall.

"Take him off the chemo." Said Dr Bledsoe as he stepped into the elevator. "I'm told he'll be in room 437 if you want to see him later." The elevator doors closed leaving the two men feeling that they now had more questions than answers.

&&&&&&&&&&&&

Time had not been kind to Erin Strauss; years of ambition, greed and political back stabbing had etched itself upon her face; giving her the appearance of a much older woman.

She studied the face of unit chief Aaron Hotchner. He was not his usual fastidious self. His suit was rumpled and he had a half days growth of beard. He paced in front of her. She drummed her fingers impatiently on her desk; she knew she didn't have to be a profiler to see Hotchner wanted something from her.

"How is agent Reid?" She asked.

"He's being examined by his Doctors, we'll know more later."

"I understand that agent Reid hid his condition from you until recently?"

"Yes, that is correct."

"Then you did the right thing by suspending him." She said.

This pained Hotch, if Strauss thought it was the right thing, then it probably wasn't.

"We had a floral arrangement sent to the hospital from the bureau." She said in a bored tone.

Aaron stopped pacing and faced her. "Actually I believe my decision might have been too hasty, that's what I wanted to talk to you about."

"Oh really? It seems like the correct decision to me." She said.

"I think it would be beneificial to the team and Dr Reid for him to return to the BAU on a limited part-time basis."

Strauss leaned back in her chair. "How is that possible? From what I'm told he's probably going to die."

Hotch flinched at her words, so completely devoid of compassion. He glanced over at the pictures of her children behind her and wondered how she could not feel any empathy or emotion; especially for one so young.

"No." He stated, sounding a little more angry than he meant to. "He's had a set back due to the side effects of chemotherapy. We expect him to be back on track soon." Hotch knew he was grossly understating Reid's condition.

Strauss sighed, "It's not as if his years of service are not appreciated, but we are not running a convalescent care centre here agent Hotchner."

Hotch stared directly into her eyes. "Dr Reids skills are unmatched by anyone in the bureau; what he could bring to the table even on a part-time basis would be invaluable. I know if it were your son or daughter in the same position, this is what you would want for them."

Strauss gave him an icy stare. This was not the first time that agent Hotchner had attempted to unnerve her by bringing into question her mothering skills. Though his suggestion about agent Reid was not without merit. Whatever talents Dr Reid still possessed, could be put to good use.

"Very well then SSA Hotchner, I'll agree to your suggestion, I'll rescind the order for a replacement for Dr Reid." Hotch stared at her. "And I'll agree to temporarily letting the other team carry a greater workload until Dr Reid is out of the hospital."

Hotch nodded at her and left her office with nary a backward glance. Erin Strauss disliked Agent Hotchner and still felt the BAU could be better served by someone else. His team was out of control. One day he would slip up and he would have no choice but to resign. Agent Reid's illness might just be the ticket.

&&&&&&&&&&

Hotch let out a sigh of relief. He had dealt with Strauss and had barely got his way. He had spoken to Reid's father earlier. He didn't know which was worse. Strauss was like a block of ice. William Reid was clearly heart broken. The man could barely hold it together when they had spoke on the phone. Hotch promised him he'd call back when he had furthur news. He hoped Reid would be happy when he told him about working again.

&&&&&&&&&&

Reid looked around him; he was in a regular room now, They had unhooked the heart moniter and removed the catheter, for which he was grateful. He asked for a cup of coffee which they refused to give him. He was told he was on a special diet for a little while. He looked at the tray of food in front of him. The nurse had been pestering him to eat. He attempted a few bites before he pushed it away. The sight of it made him queasy. He had been poked, prodded, and had more blood removed. He just felt so tired.

He had been surprised to see his own oncologist, who scolded him for not calling him sooner. Dr Bledsoe told him they were discontinuing his current chemo drugs and they would figure out something else. _'Good,' _He thought. _'discontinue everything, I don't care anymore.' _He didn't feel real, his stomach hurt, his chest hurt from coughing and he was sore from where they removed the catheter. He turned on his side and curled up into a fetal position. The last thing he felt before he fell asleep was the tears running down his face.

Rossi walked into Reid's hospital room. It was his turn to keep this odd vigil over their youngest profiler. Hotch told him he was going to the office to speak to Strauss and call William Reid. Rossi didn't envy him having to do either of those things.

He saw Reid in bed curled up with his back to him. His blankets came up only to his waist. His hospital gown was open exposing his back. Rossi wryly thought he could probably count Reid's vertebrae; he was so thin. He walked around to the other side of the bed and sat down with his coffee. Reid was sleeping again; he saw the tear stains on his face. His heart went out to the young man. Rossi settled himself in for what would turn out to be a rather long day.

Rossi himself had almost dozed off when the the noise of someone bringing Reid's lunch in startled him awake. Reid also stirred at the noise.

"Hey Reid wake up, time to eat." Rossi said. The tray was wheeled in front of him. He raised Reid's bed into a semi reclining position.

Spencer didn't seem surprised to see Rossi. He said a weak hello and stared at his food. S_oft diet, _it said on the card.

"Looks like babyfood," Reid commented.

Rossi frowned at the separate piles of mush. "Looks more like babyshit to me."

Reid closed his eyes and pushed the tray away. Rossi, realizing his mistake, hurriedly changed tactics.

"Hey ya know, this one doesn't actually look too bad." He loaded up a spoon with some light coloured stuff and held it up to Reid.

"You can't be serious." said Reid.

"C'mon, I think it's just some kind of pureed fruit, please, a couple of bites."

"David." Reid protested.

"Please, just try it," Rossi suddenly wondered when he had turned into his own grandmother.

Reid opened his mouth and Rossi shoved the spoon in before Spencer could change his mind. He did this a couple more times before Reid pushed his hand away.

"Stop, I can't, no." He protested.

Rossi put the spoon down. "Ok kid, sorry." _'At least I got him to eat a little bit' _He thought with some satifaction, until Spencer began to cough and choke. Rossi quickly pulled him into a complete upright position. Thankfully he was able to reach a small container on the side table and held it as Spencer expelled the small amount of food from his stomach into it.

"Geez, looks exactly the same." Commented Rossi.

Reid slumped over sideways against him. Rossi absently rubbed the young man's thin boney back and hit the call button for the nurse.

"Don't worry kid, we'll try again later."

&&&&&&&&&&&

Rossi spent the next several hours either watching Reid sleep or watching TV. He saw various nurses come and go, checking vitals and the IV line. He began to wonder when he might see a doctor again when Prentiss, Morgan, and Hotch appeared at the door. Reid's expression barely changed when he saw them. Rossi thought he had become even more quiet than before.

"Hey man, you look better." Lied Morgan.

"Are you feeling a little better Reid?" asked Prentiss, sitting on the side of his bed.

"I saw you last night," He said softly.

She smiled. "That's right, I was in ICU with you."

"I saw you and Rossi when I was floating on the ceiling; I saw all of you." His voice was flat and emotionless.

The profilers looked at one another, alarmed.

"What?" She said.

"I don't really understand it, but I've been floating. My body is dissolving like sugar." He said earnestly. "I've been trying to understand why "

Prentiss deperately wanted to change the subject. "Hotch says your Doctor has come back to help you,"

He tilted his head and stared past her. "They took the catheter out, it really hurt .Everthing hurts all the time." He said dully and as if they were'nt there, he curled up on his side and closed his eyes.

Hortch motioned to Rossi to go out in the hall with him. Once the two men were out of earshot of Reid's room Hotch turned to him.

"What the hell was that about?" He asked, scowling. Rossi shook his head and was about to answer him when they both saw the approach of Dr Bledsoe with a middle aged woman by his side. He recognized Hotch and Rossi and stopped to speak to them. The woman gave them a brief smile and spoke to Dr Bledsoe.

"I'll go right in to see him now Stewart."

"I'll join you in a moment," He said.

"Is that the other specialist you and the other Doctor's spoke of?" Asked Rossi.

"Yes it is," He answered.

"Is she an oncologist?" asked Hotch.

"No, There's something I need to ask you agent Hotchner."

"Yes."

"Is there any history of mental illness in Spencer's family?"

The two profilers exchanged looks and felt an icy chill run up their spines.

"Yes." Hotch answered honestly, "His mother is schitzophrenic."

"I see." He noted the look of alarm on the two men's faces. He hesitated when Morgan and Prentiss left Reid's room and joined them.

"It's alright, we're all together," said Rossi knowing the Doctor was concerned for Reid's privacy.

The Doctor continued. "The woman you just saw is a psychiatrist, a very good one. The staff last night were very concerned about Spencer's behavior and speech. Now it could be caused by any number of things. He has been through a lot in a short amount of time. We are just being thorough. If you'll excuse me I need to see my patient." He left them and joined Dr Patak in Reid's room.

Morgan rubbed his eyes wearily. "A head shrink huh. I told Garcia I'd keep her updated. Is there anything_ good _I can tell her?"

"Tell her his heart is ok," Said Rossi.

"Morgan, I take it you'll be here for awhile. Rossi and I are heading back to the office. Strauss okayed the lighter work load for us. The other team will have to pick up the slack temporarily."

"Hotch I just want to stay for a while too, JJ couldn't be here," said Prentiss.

"That's fine," agreed Hotch.

Hotch and Rossi left them and rode down silently in the elevator together. They stepped out into the main lobby.

"What fresh hell is this?" muttered Rossi as he stared over Hotch's shoulder.

"Excuse me, " Said Hotch scowling. He turned around to see what Rossi was staring at.

William Reid had just walked through the front doors of the hospital. He immediately spotted the FBI profilers.

"That's Reid's father," murmured Rossi.

Will Reid recognized Rossi and walked over to him.

"Hello Mr Reid, I'm agent Hotchner, we spoke on the phone this morning." Will Reid ignored the outstretched hand.

"Where's my son?!" He demanded.

FIN

AN :Reid shocks the team next chapter.

Thank you so much for all the wonderful reviews and insights. It was so good to hear from you all. Sorry there was a little mix up with the story alerts a while ago.


	11. Fathers and Sons

**Fathers and Sons **

**Disclaimer: I do not own criminal minds. **

_'It is a wise father that knows his own child _' William Shakespeare.

&&&&&&&&&&&

The middle aged man stood glaring at David Rossi.

"Mr Reid, take it easy." Implored Rossi in hushed tones.

David Rossi looked sympatheticly at the man who stood before him. He had met Reid's father several months before in Las Vegas. He was a rather amiable man with light brown hair and dark eyes; Rossi could see where Reid got his coloring from. The only difference he noted between then and now, was how Reid's father seemed to have aged at least ten years. Lines of fear and worry had taken over his visage. At the moment William Reid was red faced and visibly upset.

"Take it easy! My son is practically dying and you tell me to take it easy? Who the hell are you anyway?" He spun around and faced Hotch.

Hotch tried to remain calm. He didn't want to make a scene in a busy hospital.

"Mr Reid, please. I'm Aaron Hotchner; listen just for a minute; Spencer is upstairs with two very good doctors. Why don't the three of us go downstairs for a coffee? We'll talk and then we'll take you to him. You're very upset right now and I doubt you want Spencer to see you this way."

William stared at the floor, trying to catch his breath and listen to reason.

"You say he's alright, right now. He's not in danger right now?"

"Yes he's alright and he's not in danger." said Rossi gently. "Please, come with us." William let himself be led downstairs to the cafeteria.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&

The three men got their coffee and settled themselves at a sipped their coffee in a uncomfortable silence; Hotch spoke up.

"Do you have a place to stay Mr Reid?" asked Hotch.

"I got a hotel near the hospital," He looked at Hotch. "You called me and said Spencer was hospitalized because of bad side effects from chemotherapy. The doctor I spoke to on the phone told me his kidneys were failing, that he had pneumonia in both lungs and..." He couldn't continue; he put his hand over his face to try to compose himself. "Anyway I grabbed the first plane out here."

Hotch regarded the innocuos looking man seated across from him; the cause of so much of the young profiler's pain. Hotch could understand the man's anguish and he certainly recognized guilt when he saw it.

William Reid continued. "I spoke to Spencer only a week ago; how did it get this bad; why wasn't I called sooner?" He looked at the faces of Hotch and Rossi seeking answers.

"Spencer confided to very few people Mr Reid, even people that know him well." Rossi said.

"Know him? I was there when he was born, he's still my son." He said, the anger creeping into his voice.

The two profilers said nothing. Reid's father was angry, maybe with them or himself or perhaps both. Nothing they could say would make him any less so.

Will Reid looked at his watch. "I need to see him now." He said anxiously.

Rossi nodded. "He's in room 437. The doctors might be done now."

William rose from his seat, thanked them for the coffee and hurried over to the elevator.

Rossi stared at the man leaving. "I hope this is a good thing for Reid and doesn't set him back."

Hotch wasn't sure what kind of effect this might have on the young agent. "Dave, maybe you and I should come back here tonight for a visit, just in case."

&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Doctors' Patak and Bledsoe left Spencer's room and proceeded to the elevator. Dr Patak sighed.

"Exactly what I thought Stewart," She said.

"I agree with your diagnosis Rachael, how do you think we should proceed?

"Tough call, he's extremely intelligent; probably has been able to hide this for a long time; normally I'd medicate him first, but with everything he's been through, that might not be the safest option at this time."

Dr Bledsoe nodded in agreement. "I've got to get him healthy enough to withstand chemo again; at least get him eating, build up his strength."

Dr Patak stopped and spoke to her colleague. "In his present state it would be dangerous to leave him alone. We must impress upon his family, he needs to be taken care of, watched."

Dr Bledsoe shook his head wearily, "That's going to be more difficult to impress upon Spencer."

&&&&&&&&&&&&

Nothing could have prepared William Reid for the sight that greeted him when he entered his son's hopital room. Agent Morgan, who he had also met in Vegas, nodded at him when he came in. William walked slowly over to his son's bedside almost as if he were afraid.

Morgan stood up. "I'll leave you alone for awhile, " He said. Somehow he wasn't surprised Reid's father had shown up.

William mouthed a thank you.

Spencer lay flat on his back breathing with the aid of oxygen. The change in him was shocking. The thick wavy hair William had remembered was now thin and greasy looking and that face, that beautiful face that was so much like his mothers; was ghostly pale and hollow cheeked, like skin stretched over bone. He thought his boy was thin when he had seen him in Vegas, now he seemed barely there. Unlike Reid's colleagues, William had not seen these changes happen gradually.

He needed to touch him. He reached out and stroked his hair. Spencer would never allow him to do this if he were awake. He remembered how his son didn't like to be touched; even as a little boy.

How had it got this bad, why had no one told him? Did he find his son only to lose him again, this time permanantly?

He pulled a chair up next to the bed. He felt dizzy; his emotions were threatening to overwhelm him.

_'It should be me, not him.'_ He thought. He folded his arms on the bed and laid his head down on top of them. The slight weight caused Spencer to open his eyes. He looked down at the man who rested his head near him.

"Dad?" He said, a little confused.

William Reid lifted his head and looked at his son, his eyes red and puffy.

"Spencer, I'm here." He said, his voice soft.

Spencer frowned. "Why?"

His father looked incredulous. "For you, I want to help you."

Spencer once again began to feel like he was floating away from his body. He began to watch his father and himself with mild interest. It was all so painless this way. His father began to talk, certain his son was soaking up his every word.

He droned on and on until something he said caught Spencer's attention. A tiny seed was planted in that brilliant mind of his. It was so simple, so perfect, he couldn't imagine why he had not thought of it before.

"Yes." He heard himself say to his father, in answer to his question. His father looked so happy that for a moment Spencer was afraid the man was going to hug him. Spencer smiled at him. He felt relieved, like a great weight had been lifted off his shoulders. His father was beaming.

He felt himself return to his body. A sense of calm descended on him. Everything was going to be ok now. A perfect solution.

&&&&&&&&&&&

Both Hotch and Rossi did return that evening to the hospital. They were more than a little worried about what effect seeing his father would have on Reid. They walked past the nurses station towards Spencer's room. The two FBI agents were becoming a familiar sight. Hotch nodded hello and Rossi gave a friendly wink. The nurses really didn't mind them, they were quiet and seemed to help their patient; who only became difficult when it came to eating and absolutely refused to use a bedpan or urinal.

They were more than a little surprised to see Reid sitting up in bed. He still had his oxygen and IV drip. He gave them a shy smile when they walked in. Will Reid was still there sitting beside Spencer's bed. He stood up and offered them his chair. He looked strangely happy, a distant cry from the distraught man they had evidenced earlier.

"Everything good here?" Asked Rossi looking from father to son.

"Fine, great." answered Reid. His eyes looked glassy and unfocused.

Will Reid stood rocking on his heels, his hands in his pockets. He looked excited; like he had some great secret and could hardly wait to tell it. He glanced at Spencer several times.

Hotch and Rossi exchanged looks.

'"What's going on?" Hotch finally said.

"I want to take Spencer home," said William.

Rossi shrugged, "I guess if he keeps inproving, maybe you can take him home in a few days. You should speak to his doctor."

William smiled and shook his head. "No, I mean I want to take him home to Las Vegas with me; to live with me."

The two agents were taken aback; this they hadn't anticipated.

"Mr Reid, Spencer's doctors are here, his job is here, he's in the middle of treatment, how could he travel in his current condition, how..." Hotch didn't get to finish.

"Agent Hotchner," William interupted. "There are some wonderful comprehensive cancer treatment centres in Las Vegas. In fact there is one in Summerlin close to where I work. My house is small but I have a guest room I could fix up for Spencer. I could arrange for my law firm to let me have a leave of absence so I could take care of him. He would also be able to see his mother." William smiled happily at his son.

Hotch too had been watching Reid; his expression had not changed the entire time.

"What about you Reid, is this what you want?" asked Rossi.

"Yes it is, I want to go home with Dad." He stated. This shocked them more than anything. Hotch leaned close to him and looked into his eyes.

"Reid, I talked to Strauss. She agreed to letting you work part-time when you're able." Hotch thought he saw a flicker of something in those dark eyes.

Reid's father rounded on him "You can't be serious, you want him to work, he's sick, he needs his family."

The flicker was gone.

"I just want him to know he has options." said Hotch quietly.

William calmed down. "Now you needn't worry, arrangements will have to be made. I wouldn't make him travel until he was well enough to fly."

"But you'll come back to the BAU right?" asked Rossi "Once you're well I mean."

Reid suddenly slumped back against his pillows. "Tired," He said.

Will Reid looked at the two agents as if they were intruders, "I'll stay til you're asleep Spencer."

Spencer merely nodded and closed his eyes. William began to fuss with his pillows and blankets.

Rossi suddenly wanted to leave. Reid's father was starting to irritate him.

"See you tomorrow Reid," Rossi said.

Spencer lifted a hand and gave a small wave. He reminded Rossi of a rag doll.

"Damn!" He muttered when he was out of earshot of Reid's room "Hotch, the kids all spacey and wierd again. I feel like giving his old man a swift kick in the ass. You and I both know this is more about him relieving some kind of guilt he's been lugging around for years."

Hotch sighed. "Nothing we can do Dave. Reid is a grown man."

Dave was angry now, "You up for a drink Hotch?"

"Yes Dave, I'm afraid I am."

&&&&&&&&&&&&

_Spencer was dreaming, he was lying naked on top of cool crisp cotten sheets in a room that didn't feel familiar. It was so dark he couldn't see his hands in front of him. The only illumination came from the moonlight that shone outside the air was thick with humidity. _

_Above him he felt soft warm lips brush against his._

_"I love you," She said._

_"I can't stay." He whispered._

_"Yes I wait for you, I'm patient." _

_"Please understand, I want the pain to stop."_

_"I do understand, I still wait."_

_He now felt her lips press a light kiss just below his navel. It sent shivers through his body._

_He smiled, "You're trying to change my mind aren't you?"_

_She laughed, it was a pretty lilting laugh. This time he felt her lips brush against his hipbone; he felt a surge of arousal._

_"Please!" he said, he reached out to touch her. _

_"I love you." she whispered. "I wait."_

&&&&&&&&&&&

He awoke, he quickly looked around his hospital room. He glanced down at himself, embarassed and thankful that for once he was alone in the room.

_'What's wrong with me? I've got one foot in the grave and I'm having sex dreams. Quick, think of something else.'_ He thought.

He sat up in his bed and started reciting DC weather statistics in his head. The dream began to fade.

"That's better." He said aloud to himself with relief.

"What's better?" asked Rossi as he entered the room holding two cups of take out coffee.

Reid blushed and pulled his blankets up around him.

"Umm, sitting up is better; I'm tired of lying down."

Rossi frowned and leaned toward him. "Are you alright, your face is red and your skin is all flushed?" Rossi felt his forehead.

"Really, I'm fine; is that coffee for me?" He said, trying to change the subject.

"Sort of, I spoke to the dietition. She said you could have a small cup of de-cafe with splenda."

Rossi couldn't believe the look of excitement on the kid's face at the prospect of coffee in any form. Reid eagerly held out his hand.

Rossi handed him the coffee. "You're easy to please." He remarked.

Reid looked so happy and childlike in his pleasure over such a small thing,

_'I swear kid, if you had a tail you'd be wagging it.'_ thought Rossi_._Though he had to admit it was good to see the change in the kid; especially after his robotic behavior from last night. Rossi wondered if Reid's father's visit had really brought about this change in the kid. Did Spencer really want to go back to Las Vegas with his father? He wasn't about to interogate him now, since this was the most lively and alert he'd seen him in days.

He watched Reid, whose eyes were closed apparently savouring his small cup of coffee. He knew he should feel glad about the kids renewed spirits, but there was something hinky about it. He just couldn't put his finger on what was wrong.

His thoughts were interupted by the arrival of the breakfast tray. "Ah Reid here you go." He pushed the tray in front of Reid. He lifted the lid. There was a soft boiled egg and two slices of toast..

"Looks better than yesterday." Reid commented.

"Garcia had a little chat with the dietition."

Spencer picked up the toast and took a small bite. "Maybe I can do this today." He smiled.

Rossi smiled back. He was glad to see the him eat. Though there was something in the in the kid's eyes that told another tale, a wariness, an indefinable something. Rossi trusted his own instincts. He had been a profiler for too many years not to know when somebody was hiding something.

&&&&&&&&&

Reid did manage one slice of toast and two bites of egg. Rossi considered that a triumph. A nurse named Alice came in and took his blood pressure, drew more blood and listened to his chest. She recorded it in a chart.

"Your pressure is a little high but your lungs are sounding a lot better. " She told him.

By noon, Reid told Rossi to go back to work, he said he was feeling better and was really just planning to sleep anyway. Rossi agreed and thought maybe the kid really did need some time alone.

Once Rossi left, Spencer pulled out the notebooks given to him by the dietition. He had to work quickly; he tired so easily and he was watched constantly. There was also the chance that the strange feeling he was experiencing might return at any time. The feeling that he was no longer Spencer, only someone who watched Spencer, detached and emotionless.

&&&&&&&&&&

Garcia entered Reid's room quietly. His bed was raised to a sitting position; the TV was on, he was looking at it but not watching.

"Sweetcheeks, Reid?" she said softly.

Reid turned at the sound of her voice. His face broke into a wide grin when he saw who it was.

"Garcia!"

She walked over and put her arms around his thin frame.

"My colds gone, I can visit you now." She held on to him. "You gave me such a scare, I should be smacking you not hugging you."

"I'm sorry." He murmured.

She pushed back and smiled. "All's forgiven." She noticed the uneaten tray of food beside him.

"You haven't eaten your dinner Dr Reid." She scolded.

"I did, I ate the jello and a roll." He said defensively.

She shook her head. "I brought some things for you."

"Oh."

"Yup, I went to your apartment; by the way; Rossi hired a cleaning service to clean your place. It's all sparkley now."

"I'll have to thank him."

"Now, I brought you pyjamas, a razor, your toothbrush, a robe and a couple of books."

"Thank you Garcia." He said, touched by her thoughtfulness.

"Now if I could just get you to change your mind about leaving with your Dad."

Spencer gave her a weak smile and seemed to stare right through her.

"I realized this is what I have to do. I should have done it two years ago."

Garcia cocked her head ar him, unable to decipher his odd choice of words._ 'Two years ago?' _She thought. She decided to ignore it.

"Anyway, my dear Dr Reid. I really missed our movie nights." She pulled a couple of DVDs out of her bag and her laptop. "So what will it be, a romantic comedy or The Dark Knight?"

He pointed to the 'Dark Knight.'

"Ok, chick flick tomorrow night then."

She moved the food off the bed table tray when she noticed the two notebooks on the bed.

"What are those?" She asked.

He gathered them up quickly and put them in his side table drawer.

"The nutritian expert wants me to write down all the food I like and she'll try to write a diet up for me based on it." He told her.

"Mmm, good idea," She said. She opened her laptop and put the disc in.

&&&&&&&&&&&

The movie was barely half finished when Garcia noticed her boy was sound asleep. She turned it off and began to gather up her things. She pulled the blankets up around his shoulders. She studied his gaunt face now relaxed in sleep and noted how peaceful he looked. He wasn't himself tonight, but no wonder, after all he'd been through and his father showing up all ready to cart him off and play daddy.

An idea occurred to her. She opened up his sidetable drawer and took out one of his large notebooks and stuffed it in her bag.

"Just going to borrow this, I'll bring it back tomorrow night sweet cheeks." She whispered.

Garcia kissed her fingertips and touched his forehead. "Sweet dreams."

&&&&&&&&&&&&

The next morning Penelope Garcia got to the office bright and early. There was a special project she wanted to work on. She settled down at her computer; she wanted to surprise Reid. She pulled his food journal out of her bag and set it beside her computer. He was supposed to list all the foods he liked to eat. She planned to modify the list with the help of one of her on-line nutritionist friends. A little personalized cook book of sorts, perhaps she would fill it full of quotes and pictures of their BAU family just for fun.

She would fatten her boy up if it was the last thing she did. He had to get back on track again if he was going to beat this cancer. She opened up the notebook full of Reid's scribbling. She turned the pages finding nothing to do with food at all. She started to read what was written on the pages. A chill washed over her, tears sprung to her eyes.

"Why...?" she whispered. She couldn't move and barely noticed when Prentiss came in the room.

"Garcia, I wonder if you could..." Prentiss stopped short when she saw Garcia's tears. "Hey, what's wrong?"

Garcia handed her the notebook. "I thought this was Reid's food journal." She said.

Prentiss frowned, opened the book and began to read. "Oh no." she gasped. "No, what is he thinking?"

Garcia turned her tear stained face toward her. "He's not going to Vegas with his father to get well, is he?"

"No, it looks like he's going home to die."

**FIN**

**AN: Oh boy, this seemed like a really long chapter, not too long I hope. Please read and review. Thanks to all the readers out there who have already done so.**


	12. Anger and Answers

**Anger and Answers**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds.**

'_We are healed of a suffering only by expressing it to the full' _Marcel Proust

&&&&&&&&&&&&

Derek Morgan couldn't help but admire the long silky blond ponytail of the nurse who was listening to the lungs of his friend Spencer Reid.

Reid was leaning over forward in his bed as she moved the stethoscope around his back.

"Ok Spencer, take one more deep breath if you can."

He took a deep breath and managed to give a menacing glance to Morgan at the same time. '_Stop it.' _He silently mouthed to his friend.

"Very good, your lungs sound much better, though your pressure is still a little high. Did you eat any breakfast?" She asked.

"Yes,"

"If you can call three bites of a waffle and a spoon of fruit a breakfast." said Morgan giving the young nurse his most charming smile. She ignored him.

Reid made a face at Morgan and spoke up, "I'd kind of like to take a shower today; is that alright?"

"Sure, do you want me to help you?" She asked.

Reid blushed. "Oh no, I mean ... no" Yesterday he had to suffer through a rather vigorous sponge bath given by a rather hale and hearty nurse who mistakenly must have thought she was scrubbing barnacles off him.

"I k.-kind of want to shower myself." He stammered. Morgan had to hide his grin at Reid's embarassment.

"Well ok, but we dont want you to fall; so there's a little chair in the shower to sit on, and the IV pole will have to stand outside the shower while you wash."

Reid realized this was going to be harder than he thought.

"Unless your friend here could help you," She said, smiling at Morgan.

Reid swallowed nervously." I-I don't think he... I.."

Morgan grimaced. _ 'I better step up before he faints.' _

"Sure, I'll help." He shrugged, feigning indifference.

"Great, I'll send in some extra towels."

A hour later Reid summoned the courage to make his way to the bathroom. He stood up on wobbly legs.

"Hey Reid, take it easy, I'll help you." He put his arm around Reid's waist and led him to the bathroom. When they reached the shower cubicle Reid turned to him .

"Look Morgan, thanks and all, but I have to do this by myself."

"Hey kid, I get it, but you are wobbling a lot. Look, get in, sit down, close the curtains and just hand me your stuff. I'll just wait till you're finished; then I'll toss in some towels and clean pyjamas."

Reid considered this a moment and agreed. Anything was better than another sponge bath.

A grin crossed Morgans face. "Of course Reid, if it were me I'da let that pretty nurse Alice help me shower." He wriggled his eyebrows at Reid.

"That's because you're disgusting Morgan."

"Oh my man, I'm hurt."

Reid stood staring at the small shower cubicle. "You wont tell anyone about this will you; that I needed help showering I mean?"

"Oh for heavens sakes kid no! Now will you just get your skinny ass in the shower before I change my mind."

Reid got in, leaving the IV pole outside. "Don't look ok?"

Morgan rolled his eyes."I'll try to restrain myself."

Reid removed his hospital gown and handed it to Morgan. He sat down and turned the water on. The sudden rush of hot water cascading over him felt amazing. The sensation took him by surprise; he realized he hadn't felt this good in showers at home had always been hurried and functional. He took the shampoo and scrubbed his scalp. It felt so good in here he never wanted to leave. He almost laughed out loud at the thought. He lathered his body up and let the hot water rinse it off. He closed his eyes and enjoyed the tingling feeling of the water pelting at him.

He opened his eyes and looked down at the white floor of the shower. He saw large amounts of his hair lying uselessly on the wet tile. A jolt of fear went through him; his hands automaticly going to his head.

"Morgan!" He cried out without thinking.

"Yeah kid, what is it; are you ok in there?"

Reid turned the water off; his heart was racing. He waited a beat before answering.

"Ah nothing, could you hand me a towel please." Morgan stuck his hand through the curtains and handed him some towels; he waited a few minutes and gave him his pyjamas.

Reid toweled off as best he could and pulled on the bottems; he opened the curtain. His hair was still dripping and he was bare chested.

"I think I need your help with the top," He pointed to the IV bag.

"Ok kid, let's get you back to bed first." He held out his arms.

Reid grabbed on to him like he was some sort of lifeline; he was shaking uncontollably.

"Wow, what's up, shower take it out of you?" Morgan asked, wondering what could have happened in the short time he was in the shower to change his demeanor so much.

"No, it was good, I feel better."

"You smell better too." Morgan joked. Reid barely paid attention. Morgan carefully deposited him back on the bed. Somehow together they figured out how to put on a t-shirt while an IV was still in his arm.

Reid was subdued, "Are you going for coffee?" He asked.

Morgan smiled, "I guess I am now. Don't tell me; Rossi has spread the word, decafe with splenda." Reid watched his friend leave the room, thankful to be alone.

He felt like he wanted to scream. For a moment in the shower, for one brief happy moment, he forgot he was sick, he forgot about the cancer and, just for a few seconds his whole life was in front of him again. Until he looked down and saw his hair on the shower floor. A very real reminder of why he had to go to Vegas with his father. He could say goodbye to his mother and eventually be beside his Uncle Dan.

&&&&&&&&&&&

Very few things caused Emily Prentiss to '_lose it' _.She knew she could compartamentalize better than most; and she knew she was tough and strong. But right now, she was just angry and hurt and scared. She marched down the hospital corridors until she reached Reid's room. She saw him sitting there alone ;his wet hair and slightly damp pyjamas sticking to him. He turned his head to look at her.

"You selfish bastard!" She hissed at him.

"What?'" his eyes wide with shock.

"You heartless selfish bastard!" This time she held up the notebook Garcia had taken. The colour left his face.

"What are you doing with that?" He tried to control the near panic in his voice. He made as if to grab it; she held it out of his reach.

"How could you even be thinking of doing this?" She demanded angrily.

"Give that back, you've no right, it's personal!" Spencer couldn't believe what was happening. It felt like the floor was crumbling beneath him.

She stood glaring at him. "Garcia thought it was a food journal, she wanted to make something for you. Imagine her surprise. How could you, after all our worry?"

"All your worry? You weren't even supposed to know I was sick, nobody was."

She paced back and forth in front of him. "So what was your plan, you go away and then one day we get a phone call saying you died?"

Tears were beginning to form in his eyes. "No no, you don't understand."

"No, I don't understand, We love you. Look at this;" She said, opening the book. "Burial plans, apparently you want to be buried beside Uncle Daniel, last letters to everyone on the team. Where your bank accounts are, provisions for your mother, safe deposit boxes, your last will and testament, where your stuff should go. Everything but how you plan on doing it."

She stared him in the face " Do you really care this little about us?"

He put his hands over his ears and began to rock back and forth on the bed "No stop, please Emily please stop." He pleaded.

Emily couldn't stop. "Or did you just figure this was one way to really stick it to your Dad once and for all? Were you going to let him find your body?"

"No!" His voice was shaking. "It's not about him, or you or anybody."

"Then why are you doing this?"

"Emily, it's something I've just come to realize," He could barely speak; he fought for control of his emotions. He hadn't wanted to tell anyone this, but she seemed to be leaving him no choice.

"When I died two years ago in Hankel's cabin. Maybe I wasn't supposed to be revived, it was a mistake, maybe I was supposed to die that night. Why else has everthing been so hard?"

She looked into his tear filled eyes and saw he was serious. She sank down into one of the chairs; tears filling her own eyes.

"Oh Reid." She whispered.

At that moment Morgan came into the room carrying two cups of take-out coffee. "What the hell?" He said after seeing both Reid and Prentiss in tears. He put the coffee down.

"What's going on?" He asked, shocked by the scene. "I leave for 20 minutes and all hell breaks loose."

"This." She said and pushed the notebook in his hands.

Morgan began to flip through the book. He frowned.

"This looks like some sort of living will," He looked at Reid. "You were planning a one way trip to Vegas, weren't you?"

"He's given up." Said Prentiss.

"Spencer!"

The three profilers turned to see Dr Patak standing in the doorway. She had been taking in the emotionally charged scene in front of her. She walked over to Spencer. Morgan handed her the notebook.

"No don't, please." Reid begged.

Dr Patak briefly scanned the book. She turned to Morgan and Prentiss.

"Would you mind if Spencer and I were alone now?"

"No, of course not," said Morgan. They both walked out into the hall. Once outside, tears began to fall from Prentiss's eyes.

Morgan put a comforting hand on her shoulder "I know, it's hard." He said in a soft voice.

She shook her head, knowing he didn't understand the reason for her tears.

"No Morgan; I'm a monster; I yelled at a cancer patient, I made a cancer patient cry. I made Reid cry."

&&&&&&&&&&&

Dr Patak sat on the side of Reid's bed, notebook in hand.

"This is very detailed." She said, gesturing at the book.

"No one was supposed to see it." He sniffed.

"Oh really?" She said, handing him some tissues.

He looked up sharply at her "What do you mean?"

"Well, it seems to me, an intelligent man like yourself; IQ of 187 I believe I was told; would have hid it better, not leave it in plain view, where a ultra inquisitive tech analyst friend could easily see it,"

Reid couldn't meet her eyes. He stared down into his lap.

"Spencer, we're going to have to talk now." She said gently.

He nodded. "Promise me one thing."

"What's that?"

"Please don't show that notebook to my father or the men I work with."

&&&&&&&&&&&&

Two Days later.

Will Reid, Hotch and Rossi sat in Dr Rachael Patak's office. They were nervous, wondering exactly why they had been called. Being summoned to these type of meetings usually did not bode well.

Dr Patak entered the room followed by Reid's oncologist Dr Bledsoe. She looked sternly at the three men.

"I guess you're wondering why I called you here."

"It's about my son, I assume." said William.

She sat down across from the three. "Yes, normally this is something Dr Bledsoe and myself discuss with family members only; but this case is rather unique. I've discovered in my talks with Spencer that Mr Hotchner and Mr Rossi are also very close to him. Now, I'll get to the point. Spencer is suffering from extreme depression."

"Isn't that to be expected?" said Rossi "Considering the circumstances?"

"He didn't seem that depressed to me." Said William. "He seemed in good spirits."

Dr Patak studied him a moment before she answered. "He's faking it, and rather well. He is clinically depressed to a point where I would not feel comfortable leaving him alone."

Hotch looked up sharply. "Dr, are you trying to say Reid might... hurt himself?" He was afraid to let the word suicide leave his lips.

She shook her head. "I really can't say. Usually in a case like this I prescribe anti-depressants as well as therapy. However, more meds might not be the best thing for him right now.

I have got him to agree to seeing me at least once a week."

Dr Bledsoe cut in. "His kidneys are recovering and his pneumonia is reponding well to the antibiotics. You see, I want him to restart his chemo with new drugs in a couple of weeks. A patients state of mind is just as important as his physical well being. He has to want to fight."

William Reid stood up, "He wont be alone; he'll be with me. I'm going to take care of him."

Dr Patak looked at her notes.

"There is another thing you need to know, Something else is happening to Spencer." Now the doctor looked clearly uncomfortable. The three men stared at her waiting for her next words.

"Spencer has asked me not to go into specifics. It is something that has begun only recently and which I believe can be dealt with."

"You can't tell us?" asked Hotch.

"No, only that it is a mental health issue and I only mention it because I want you to understand how important my next request is."

"A recent mental health issue, how?" said Rossi, completely ignoring what the Doctor just said.

"Yes recent, it must have been triggered by a recent trauma or event that happened shortly before he came to the hospital."

Hotch felt the guilt twisting like a knife in his gut. "I told him he couldn't work." He said quietly.

Rossi looked at him "Hotch, don't do that."

William paid no attention to either of them. The doctor's words nearly froze him with fear. For years he had never let his mind go there.

"Doctor, Spencer isn't...he's not...becoming like his mother, is he?" His voice shook and his face was pale.

"No, not at all. But I think you must realize Mr Reid, he shouldn't go back to Las Vegas with you. It would only create more stress. He needs to be in familiar surrounding with people he knows. He has a whole support system here with the people he works with. Now I'm not saying you shouldn't be here for him; just don't take him away from everything he knows. It would be detrimental to his recovery."

"But I want to take him home with me."

"Oh for fucks sake, will you listen to yourself?" snapped Rossi, who had lost all patience with William."He's not a puppy!"

"No, he's not! He's_ my son, _I want to take care of him."

"Yeah, so you keep saying," said Rossi " Now ask yourself why?"

"What are you trying to say?"

"Is it for him or for you?" Rossi hadn't been greatly impressed with Will Reid when he met him in Vegas, and time hadn't changed his opinion.

Will turned angrily on him. "What is your problem agent?"

Rossi stood up, mere inches away from Williams face and fixed him with an icy stare.

"You are; I never had a son of my own; but if I had known seventeen years ago that people were tossing away perfectly good ones, I would have been there in a second."

Before William could respond, Hotch quickly jumped out of his chair putting his hand on Rossi's shoulder.

"Stop, both of you, this isn't the reason we're here. Settle down." He turned to Reid's father and looked him in the eyes.

"Mr Reid, I don't doubt you love your son or that you want to help him; that's why you have to think of him first this time."

William blinked at him and sank back down into his chair; he put his head in his hands.

"So I'm supposed to abandon him again, leave him here? He'll hate me"

Hotch patted his arm, feeling some compassion for the man. "We'll figure something out." Hotch looked at the Doctors as if expecting something more from them. The doctors looked at each other and then at them.

"I think we're pretty well done for today." Said Dr Bledsoe. "Call us if you have any questions." The three men felt dismissed. They said goodbye and filed out of the office.

The two physicians watched the men leave.

"Wow, Rachael, I felt like I was watching family therapy gone wild. Spencer has to deal with that too?"

"Stew, you don't know the half of it."

"So you say he knows?"

"Yes, Spencer is too intelligent not to know. He is keenly aware of his disorder, on top of everything else. It's been his minds way of escaping. He doesn't see the world the way you and I do Stewart. He wants our help, he's practically screaming for it."

&&&&&&&&&&&

Four days later.

Spencer would be going home tomorrow. Morgan said he would take him. His father had left for Vegas yesterday; Reid had decided to let his Dad off the hook, he told him he changed his mind about Vegas. He said he liked his Doctors in Virginia and wanted to continue treatment here. He saw the relief in his father's eyes. Reid's only request was _"take care of Mom, check up on her._" His father promised him that he would and he would continue to keep checking up on him as well.

Spencer told his father that he remembered his Uncle Daniel; this made his dad happy and sad at the same time. Without touching they said their goodbyes to one another. Each one wondering if they would ever see the other again.

It was only mid afternoon. Reid lay on his bed curled up into a ball. The curtains were drawn to keep out the light so the room was nice and dark, the way Reid wanted it. He just wanted to sleep. He felt someone sit on the side of his bed and take his hand. He opened his eyes to see Garcia looking at him.

"Hi there handsome," she said.

"I thought you were angry with me."

She shook her head. "I'll admit you threw me a curveball there Dr Reid."

"I'm sorry Garcia, you're the last person I wanted to hurt."

Garcia held out her arm, "You see this? I know you think you're looking at the creamy white skin of a tech goddess, but it's really Telflon; nothing sticks. So no worries." She squeezed his hand. "Besides, you can't scare me off that easily my dear."

"Garcia, would you do something for me?"

"Anything sweetcheeks."

"Should anything happen to me and if you're ever in Vegas, would you visit my mom? Just to say hi; to check up on her."

"Sweetie, you're going to get well, you'll check up on her yourself. One day all this is going to be a story you'll tell your grandchildren."

"No Garcia, I don't think so."

"And why not?"

"The radiation and chemo have probably made me sterile." He said flatly.

"Oh!" she said, slightly shocked.

"Can you stay a little while, til I fall asleep? I want to take a nap."

"Of course." She pressed a kiss to his hand. "I told you kiddo, I'm here for the long haul."

"Thank you." He murmured as sleep overtook him.

&&&&&&&&&&&&

It must have been a few hours later when he awoke. The room was completely dark now. He felt there was someone in the room with him. He squinted and tried to adjust his eyes to the darkness. In a chair across the room he thought he could make out the silhouette of a man.

"Who's there?" He asked .Finally he reached for the light above his bed and turned it on.

The man in the chair stood up and walked toward him.

"Hello Spencer," said a familiar deep voice.

"John, what are you doing here? Someone might see you."

"I don't care about that; I wondered why I hadn't seen you at any meetings. Now I know why."

"Thank you for coming to see me."

"I have something for you Spencer."

"You do?"

"Yes." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a coin. " You see this? This is my five year medalion, it's for you."

"I don't understand."

"You will. I think you might have forgotten something Spencer; it's one day at a time."

"John, I'm not using," Reid said quietly.

"I know, but it can apply to a lot of things. Five years from now, give me this back. I'm counting on you."

"I really don't think..."

John stopped him. "Five years Spencer."

Reid closed his hand around the precious coin. "Thank you John." Reid said in hushed tones.

"See you soon Spencer," and the high ranking FBI agent walked out the door.

Spencer held on tightly to the coin. He turned on his side and tried to return to sleep. As he began to drift off; he swore he could feel the body of the woman from his dreams curl around him. Her lips nuzzled his neck

"I'm going to win this." She whispered. "I love you."

This time Spencer was too tired to argue or answer; he just went to sleep.

FIN

AN: Reid finally goes home next chapter and the team goes back to work. Please read and review. Thanks to all who read and reviewed the previous chapter.


	13. Hearts and Home

**Hearts and Home**

_'But it's no use going back to yesterday, I was a different person then,' _ Alice in ' Alice in Wonderland'

**I do not own Criminal Minds. **

**AN: A wee break this chapter from all the angst.**

Spencer Reid woke up, the curtains were drawn, the sunlight was hitting him in the face. He wondered for a moment where he was. His eyes began to adjust to his surroundings and he realized he was waking up in his own bed in his own apartment. He recalled that yesterday he had come home from the hospital. The whole team was there to bring him home. It felt good to be back. Rossi had hired a cleaning service to clean his place; it was now cleaner than he had ever seen it. Garcia and Kevin had gone shopping and filled up his empty fridge with food. He was grateful for all their help, but he was tired so they didn't stay too long. When almost everyone had left; Emily came over to him and hugged him long and hard.

"I'm sorry, " She whispered. "I was just so scared for you." Spencer bore no grudge against her outburst at the hospital and felt an apology was unnecessary. Emily had not hugged Spencer since their crisis in Colorado; she tried not to notice how frail and bird- like he felt in her arms.

Reid let himself enjoy the feel of the cool crisp clean sheets. He could smell food cooking and coffee brewing and for the first time in two weeks he actually felt a little hungry.

He also remembered he had a room mate for the weekend. Derek Morgan had insisted on staying with him for a few days. Spencer had bluntly told him he didn't need a babysitter. Garcia just stared at him and told him to get used to it .She held his face between her hands

"Face it sweetcheeks, at some point, one of us is going to be with you."

Reid had stared at them as if they had all lost their collective minds, "I can't ask you to do that, there are cases to go on."

"That's taken care of Reid," Said Rossi, "I hired a nurse to check in on you when we're away."

Morgan grinned, "Remember pretty nurse Alice, I recommended her." He gave Reid a sly wink.

Reid felt overwhelmed. "David, that's too much money."

Rossi smirked and waved him off, "What the hell else am I going to do with it? It might as well help someone." Rossi also didn't want to admit he never wanted to come into Reid's apartment and find him like he did two weeks ago. The memory of it gave him unexpected chills. He hadn't realized how fond he had become of the young profiler.

&&&&&&&&&&&&

Reid got out of bed and shuffled his way to the bathroom. He stared at his reflection while he washed his hands.

"Oh fuck," He said uncharacteristicly. "I look like a ghoul." He rubbed at the circles under his eyes as if he could erase them. He dried his hands and made his way to the kitchen

Derek was at the stove and humming some tune he didn't recognize.

"Hey pretty boy, you're up. I could have brought you breakfast." Derek poured him a coffee. "I'm making pancakes with fresh fruit, my ladies love it." He bragged.

Spencer added several spoons of sugar to his coffee. He took a sip.

"Thanks Derek, but I wanted to eat here; I need to feel less like a invalid."

"Understood my man." He set down two plates of food and sat down with Reid. "Now eat up or my feelings will be hurt."

Reid put a forkful in his mouth; he was surprised that it actually tasted pretty good and continued to eat some more.

Derek tried not to stare at his friend. He was relieved to see him eating._ The 'Deathbook' _ that Reid had made had scared the shit out of him. He knew Spencer was smarter than the rest of them and if he really wanted to hurt himself, he would figure out a way and there would be nothing they could do about it. Derek wanted the old Reid back, the annoying statistic quoting one; not this pale sickly shadow that at times seemed to completely disappear right in front of him. Last night after he had fixed a light dinner for the two of them, Reid appeared to go into some kind of fugue state. He just sat there slack jawed with his mouth hanging open staring into nothingness, and then just as quickly, he came out of it and resumed eating his soup as if nothing had happened. Morgan called Rossi about it later. He didn't have any answers; he just told Morgan to keep a close eye on him.

Spencer was sipping his coffee in silence when the phone rang, startling him. Morgan handed him the phone.

"Hello, yes this is Spencer Reid...yes, ok...thank you." he handed the phone back. Morgan saw a darkness fall across his friends features; he saw that he stopped eating as well.

"Hey kid, what is it?"

Spencer rubbed the back of his hand over his chin.

"I start chemo again in ten days."

Morgan knew how scared he was, especially after what happened last time. He wanted to reassure him.

"It's going to be ok this time kid, I know it is."

Reid began to feel a little queasy and dizzy. He hated that he felt this scared. It was as if the cancer had crawled up beside him and hissed in his ear, "_I'm still here asshole_!"

"Morgan," His voice climbing an octave. "I've got to lie down for a while, ok?"

Morgan looked at him and his half eaten plate of food. "Sure, do you want some help?"

"No, I'll manage." Reid hauled himself up and shuffled back to his room, reminding Morgan more of an old man than a 27 year old.

Later when Morgan was cleaning the kitchen, he could have sworn he heard muffled sobs coming from the bedroom.

&&&&&&&&&&&&

Morgan more or less managed to occupy himself in Reid's apartment. He let Reid sleep. His mother always told him that sleep was healing and that woman was rarely wrong. Reid did get up and pick at his meals but the prospect of enduring chemo again seemed to loom over him like some kind of unrelenting dark cloud. Derek decided Reid needed a distraction.

The next morning he became a little worried when Reid didn't want to get out of bed at all. He resisted all attempts to get him up or make him eat. Morgan couldn't be angry with him, depression was a sickness as well and he couldn't just snap out of it any more than he could snap out of cancer. His frustration grew. He had to do something.

It was late morning when Spencer awoke to the sound of furniture moving around his bedroom. He squinted to see Derek setting up a small flatscreen tv across from his bed.

"Morgan, what are you doing?"

"Installing this TV man. I had this one at one of my properties, DVD player too."

"Ah thanks, but I've never really been a watch TV in bed kind of guy."

"Well that's ok, it's not really for you anyway."

"W-what?"

Morgan grinned at him as he stood up. "We are having company tonight and you are having a bath my man." He reached over, hauled Spencer up by the arms and led him to the bathroom.

"Morgan!" He protested. He saw Morgan had the tub filled with hot steamy water. "Why does it smell so weird?"

"I put in some bath stuff Penelope gave me, did I use too much? Just get in, you'll feel better."

"Not with you here I wont."

"I'll leave, but I'm leaving the door open a little, so don't go drowning yourself."

Reid knew arguing with him was useless. He felt five years old. He stripped off his clothes and gingerly lowered himself into the hot foamy water. He closed his eyes and ducked his head under a sec. Morgan was right. This did feel good and the whatever it was he threw in was rather soothing.

"So how is it?" Morgan was standing beside the tub. Reid nearly jumped out of his skin.

"Get out of here!" he yelped.

"Geez kid, relax, you're covered in purple bubbles, I'm not interested in seeing your goods anyway."

Reid threw a loofah at him. "Get out!"

Morgan ducked and laughed. "Ok ok, I'll go; by the way, you're eating lunch today." He called as he left the bathroom.

"Morgan, I believe our friendship has taken an odd turn." Reid called back, but he couldn't help but smile.

&&&&&&&&&&&

Morgan was not kidding when he told Reid that they were having company. After diiner, Reid climbed back into bed. It was't long before he heard the familiar voices of David Rossi and Emily Prentiss in the living room.

"His lazy ass is in there," He heard Morgan say. His two other team members came in the bedroom. They smiled at him.

"What day is it?" He asked, confused as to why they weren't at work.

"Saturday," Rossi said. "We have the weekend off; Monday we return to full duties."

Reid nodded. That explained the casual attire on Prentiss. She was wearing blue jeans and a red t-shirt.

"Scoot over," She said. Reid moved and Prentiss sat down beside him and stretched out her legs on the bed. "Look, I brought the '_Lord of the Rings' _and snacks." She pulled out a bag of supersize potato chips.

Morgan sat down on the other side of Reid, holding up a bag of popcorn.

"Everyone knows popcorn is the true movie snack and I thought we agreed on _Starwars_ for our flick tonight?"

Rossi grunted as he pulled a small armchair into the bedroom with one hand and a glass of ice in the other.

"Not much for science fiction, more of a_ Godfather _fan myself." He flopped down into the chair and pulled a bottle of Scotch out of a bag. His cell phone rang.

"Ah, our fearless leader. Hello Hotch, yes we're at Reids apartment. Morgan and Prentiss are right here in bed with him...yeah that's not something I'd ever thought I'd say either. Alright, goodnight." He poured himself a generous Scotch since Prentiss was driving tonight. "Hotch says hi."

They all heard a singsong voice in the hallway.

"Hello, don't shoot me, I have a key, anybody here?" Called a familiar voice.

"In here babygirl."

Garcia walked into the bedroom and saw the three profilers in one bed. Her eyes twinkled and her lips curved into a mischievious smile.

"Oh my! If I had known it was going to be that kind of party, I would have brought my video camera."

Morgan gestured to her, "C'mon Mama, plant your bodacious booty down so we can watch the movie." She climbed on the bed and sat in front of Morgan.

"Have you ever heard the expression ' you make a better door than a window'?" Morgan complained.

Rossi sniffed the air. "What's that smell?"

Prentiss sniffed the air as well 'til her nose found it's way to Reid.

"Is it potpourri?" Rossi asked.

"No, it's Reid." She said.

"Me." said Reid rather horrified._ 'I did take a bath'_

"Yes, you smell really nice." She said moving her nose toward his collarbone.

Reid was embarassed. "No I don't."

Prentiss sniffed his neck. "You're a combination of lavendar, lilac and teatree oil"

"Oh great! You used the bath stuff I left." Garcia leaned over to take a whiff. "Mmm!"

"Could you please stop smelling me and watch the movie!" Reid groused.

"Yeah." said Rossi. "What will it be, Hobbits, Jedi or gangsters?"

The women won and the_ Lord of the Rings _was popped in the DVD player.

Reid realized he was surrounded, but in a good way.

&&&&&&&&&&&

Spencer began to feel a little cramped wedged between Prentiss and Morgan. He needed a little walk to stretch his legs. He began moving down the bed.

"Where are you going?" asked Garcia.

"I just want to get a drink, soda or something."

"I'll get it." offered Garcia.

"No no, I need the exercise."

"Do you want us to pause the movie?" asked Prentiss.

Reid smiled; he didn't want to tell them he could probably recite the dialogue backwards. "No, that's ok"

Rossi leaned over and pulled Reid to his feet. Bracing one hand against the wall he made his way slowly down the hall toward the kitchen. The doorbell rang.

"I got it," He yelled.

He opened the door to find JJ standing there with Henry in her arms.

"Hi Spence." She said smiling.

"JJ! I didn't think you were coming here," He was surprised and pleased to see her. She walked over to his couch and sat down.

"Will's out of town, so I thought I'd visit. Where is everyone?"

Reid jerked his thumb in the direction of the bedroom. "Movie marathon." He gazed at his friend; there were so many things he needed to tell her and now seemed a good a time as any. He sat down beside and was about to speak when JJ interupted him.

"We miss you at the BAU Spence, I miss you. It hasn't been the same without you there."

"I miss you too, all of you, even though half of them are in my bedroom right now." He cleared his throat and began,

"JJ, I need to tell you something. Recently I had a new will drawn up. I made some provisions for Henry, I just wanted you to know." He rushed through the words as quickly as he could for everytime he wanted to talk about wills and such, they always stopped him.

JJ looked at the wall instead of him. "Thank you Spence, but could we not talk about that now?"

"Sure." His mind searched for something to say. "Henry's getting big."

"He sure is. He's pulling himself up into a sitting position now and has started eating pureed carrots." She said proudly.

Spencer made a face that made Henry giggle; he stuffed his chubby fist in his mouth and began to chew; his eyes never left Spencer's face.

"He's hungry, I brought a bottle with me. Would you like to feed him?"

"Ok, as long as he doesn't mind."

JJ placed Henry in Spencer's arms and handed him the bottle; Henry's mouth locked on to the bottle and sucked greedily. He gave a big sigh and relaxed in Reid's arms.

"See, he likes you. I just want to say hello to the guys for a minute, I'll be right back."

Reid peered down into Henry's face, "Hey Henry, is that good?" Henry's little fingers curled and uncurled around Reid's. His tiny toes wiggled in contentment. Unfortunately Henry was a reminder of all the things he probably was never going to have. '_Stop pitying yourself jerkface, enjoy the moment_.' JJ came back into the room,

"Oh Spence, I almost forgot; I have something for you." She reached into her bag and pulled out two framed photographs. "Here is the latest one of Henry and here is one of both you and Henry. I know you don't have a lot of photos."

Reid was touched. "Thank you JJ." He hesitated. "JJ, there's something else I need to talk to you about."

JJ looked at him with a worried frown. She hoped he wasn't going to start talking about wills and funerals again. "What is it Spence?"

"It's about the football game we went to a few years ago."

"What about it?" The topic surprised her.

"I always wanted to say... I want to apologize for that night."

"Why, what for?" Now she was confused.

Reid looked down at Henry. "Gideon gave me those tickets and I always felt it really put you on the spot; I mean how could you say no. You didn't want to hurt my feelings, I know I was a pretty lame date. I didn't even know that Redskins was the name of a team."

JJ wondered where all this was coming from. "Reid, I love football and if I hadn't wanted to go with you, I wouldn't have. It was a really nice evening. I wasn't put on the spot." She looked him staight in the eye when she said this.

Reid didn't quite believe her, but pretended to anyways. Henry pushed the empty bottle away.

"Looks like he's finished." JJ took him back.

JJ looked at Reid; it was so difficult to see her friend ravaged by this disease. She just wanted to take him in her arms and hold him; instead she squeezed his hand.

"I'd better go, I just wanted to see you."

"Thank you JJ." Reid smiled at the beautiful Media liason. Sometimes he felt embarrassed by the schoolboy crush he once had on her. He thought there were so many things he wished he could do over again or even do for the first time. He walked JJ to the door, neither one noticed Rossi come out of the bedroom. Rossi stopped to give them both some privacy.

"Say hi to Will for me."

"I will." She studied his face for a moment, then leaned up and gave him a soft kiss on the lips.

"What was that for?" He said surprised.

"That's the goodnight kiss I should have given you after our date." She reached up and wiped the lipstick off his mouth with her thumb. "No point in giving Morgan ammunition."

Rossi stood back in the shadows_ 'Reid and JJ dated?' _

Spencer watched her walk to the elevator and get on. The neighbour across the hall as if on cue opened her door. It was the stout gravelly voiced Mrs Mead.

"Spencer, thank goodness, I got your mail again dear." She handed him a pile of envelopes and attempted to peer into his apartment.

"Thank you, Mrs Mead."

She turned and went back into her apartment muttering something unintelligible. Spencer smiled and shut his door. He looked through his mail. There were ads, some household bills, a bill from Bennington and a letter. He hesitated, then quickly tore it open, tossing the envelope on the floor. Rossi, still in his hiding place and feeling rather silly watched him read it. Whatever it was, it seemed to upset him. He quickly crumpled up the elegant piece of stationary in his hands. Reid stood there and leaned his forehead against the door.

"Why can't you leave me alone. I don't love you anymore." He said in hushed angry tones.

Rossi now felt he had to make his presence known. "Ahem!" He fake coughed while coming into the room. Reid's head snapped up.

"Just came to get some ice; you coming back in?"

Reid nodded. "In a sec."

Rossi noticed Reid was shaking, he took him by the arm. "C'mon, let's sit on the couch for a minute. Great to see JJ tonight."

"Yeah." Said Reid absently as Rossi sat beside him on the sofa.

"I guess you can't have any of this?" He held up his glass of Scotch.

"Why not?" Reid reached over grabbed the glass and downed it in one gulp. The burn felt good but made him cough.

"Whoa there, hey kid, what's wrong?" Rossi could still see the crumpled up paper he held in one hand.

"Nothing that wont go away eventually." He said sadly.

"You can talk to me you know."

Reid peered at the older man, wondering if the team needed this extra burden of his; the answer was no.

Rossi could tell the younger man was weighing his options.

"I'm ok David."

"Well then, let's get back to this film fest Morgan's organized. When I left I think Gollum and Yoda were gonna take on a crime family or some such shit."

Spencer laughed and slowly made his way back to the bedroom. Rossi picked up the envelope on the floor. There was no return address, though the handwriting looked vaguely familiar. Whoever this was they picked a hell of a time to try to come back into Reid's life.

&&&&&&&&&&&

Penelope dabbed at her eyes as the end credits rolled for_ Lord of the Rings._

"Poor Frodo," Garcia sniffed.

Morgan shushed her, "Penelope look behind you."

Garcia turned around to to find Reid flat on his back sound asleep, but it was the other sight that made her grin. Prentiss was also asleep. She had her head on Reid's shoulder. There was a small damp spot on his shirt where she had drooled on him. Garcia pulled her cell phone out of her purse. She snapped a picture.

"Sorry, this just too good." She whispered.

Rossi chuckled and lightly tapped Emilly on the shoulder.

"Hey sleeping beauty, wake up," said Morgan.

Prentiss murmured and lifted her head slightly; at first confused then embarrassed that she had fallen asleep on Reid.

Rossi grinned at her. "You looked awlfully cozy there, but you are my ride home."

Prentiss blinked, "Right." She pulled the blankets up over Spencer. The four agents quietly left the bedroom.

Morgan walked his friends to the door. "Thanks for coming over tonight guys."

"I hoped we helped." Said Rossi. "Morgan, when Reid was out here before, he opened up a piece of mail that seemed to really upset him. Do you think it was from his father?"

Morgan furrowed his brow, "No his dad called yesterday, everthing seemed fine. Or about as fine as that situation can be."

'I'd watch him, find out if you can; the kid's a master of at keeping things close to the vest."

Morgan said goodnight to the team and walked back to Reid's bedroom and quietly tried to clean up a little. He heard Reid stir and moan in his sleep. He laid a hand on Reid's shoulder.

"Shh, it's alright, go to sleep."

The touch and soothing voice seemed to make him settle.

&&&&&&&&&&&&

Rossi climbed into the passenger side of Emily's vehicle; he looked around him and frowned.

"Do you feel that?" He asked her.

"Feel what?"

"Oh I don't know, like we're being watched."

Emily peered around into the darkness. "No, not really Dave."

He smirked, "I guess I'm just getting old and paranoid." Emily pulled out of her parking space and drove off.

In the darkness a pair of eyes turned their attention to the lighted windows in Reid's apartment.

FIN

AN: This chapter might seem a little different. Dont worry I am not turning this into a case fic. Reid just has a lot going on right now. Hope you enjoy, Please read and review.

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	14. Remedies and Reunions

**Remedies and Reunions**

**I do not own Criminal Minds. Nope.**

_'We know what we are, but know not what we may be.' _William Shakespeare

Spencer Reid sat bolt upright in his bed.

"Morgan!" He called. "Morgan?" He then remembered that Morgan had gone home two days ago. His room was pitch black; he reached for his light switch, nothing happened. He saw the rain storrn outside his window. The thunder must have woken him up, and since the street lights were also out he figured the storm must have caused a power failure. He tried to calm himself. This had happened before and it usually didn't last too long. It still didn't make him feel any better about being alone in the dark.

He got out of bed; there was a large flashlight in the kitchen and he could get himself a drink while he was there. He walked slowly to his kitchen, knowing his eyes would eventually adjust to the darkness. He hated the dark and he hated walking this slow, he felt like he was in some cheap horror movie. He could almost feel the unseen eyes watching him. The silence was unnerviing, all the noises he took for granted during the day were gone too, the hum of appliances and the ticking of his kitchen clock. His heart quickened when he knew he heard deep breathing, then realized it was him.

Spencer reached the kitchen; he grabbed the flashlight and a bottle of water out of the fridge. He started back to his bedroom when a flash of lightening momentarily lit up the windows to his small balconey. He started; was there someone out there looking in at him? Did he really see that? He shone the flashlight over the windows. No, there was nothing there. His imagination must be working overtime. Spencer felt a bit ridiculous; he was a FBI agent after all. He shone the light around the room. He wasn't too crazy about the flashlight either. It didn't really light the room it just pushed the darkness away and caused eerie shadows. The thunder cracked again, he hurried to his room and got into bed. He pulled the covers over him and willed himself to sleep. He had two doctors appointments tomorrow, he needed his rest.

The next morning Spencer awoke to a beautiful sunlit day. His alarm clock was flashing 00:00 at him. He got up, made coffee and showered. He hadn't noticed that his flashlight was now back in the kitchen.

&&&&&&&&&&&&

Dr Patak sat back in her chair, her hands folded across her stomach. She was relaxed. The young man across from her was anything but.

"You go for chemo again in four days."

"Yes."

"How do you feel about it?"

"Terrified," He answered honestly.

Dr Patak studied the face of her patient. He sat very still, tensed, as if ready to bolt from the room any minute. He clearly was not comfortable in this setting.

"Your friends are helping you?"

"Yes, they've been great." She watched his hands, they had started clenching and unclenching the arm rests. She leaned forward.

"Spencer, is there something else that you're not telling me that's bothering you?"

He laughed ruefully. "You mean apart from the cancer, the depression and oh yes my depersonalization disorder, the latest big treat in my fucked up life."

"Spencer, how are you coping with that?" It was actually good to see him expressing anger.

"I'm coping," He sighed, suddenly sounding very tired.

"You know it might not be stress and strain of your illness most likely brought it on."

"Yes I know; about a third of people exposed to life threatening situations develop brief periods of depersonalization, as do 40% of psychiatric patients. Depersonalization disorder sometimes resolves it self without treatment. Prognosis is good. Most patients recover completely, particularly those who deleloped the disorder in connection with traumas that can be explored and treated." Spencer relayed this information almost robotically, without emotion.

"Wow, you did your homework. You still want to keep this to yourself?"

"I believe my career depends on it. The Bureau tends to frown on their agents spacing out at any given moment."

She nodded. "Anything else? I sense there is something else bothering you."

Reid hesitated a moment , then almost relunctantly he pulled a crumpled piece of stationary from his pocket and handed it to her.

She read the letter frowning."This is from..."

"Someone I never want to see again." He finished.

&&&&&&&&&&&&

Spencer lay on the exam table, once again wearing nothing but a yellow paper gown. His oncologist Dr Bledsoe came in with a chart in his hand.

"Spencer, everything looks pretty good. Your lungs look clear, and your kidneys are recovering nicely."

"Now if if we could just get rid of this pesky cancer." Reid said dryly.

Dr Bledsoe peered over his glasses at him. "That's the idea. Four days til your chemo. The new drug combinaton is ChlVPP. It's not as agressive as what you had before, but we've had much success with it. Now let's examine you."

He pulled the gown down and Reid felt the doctor traverse across the same familiar areas. The doctor pulled the gown back up. This time Reid pulled the lower half of the gown up around his waist, no longer embarrassed for he had become used to these intrusions on his private parts.

The doctor started pressing on Spencer's upper thighs and worked his way upward. Reid noticed the doctor hesitate and frown._'These guys need better poker faces '_ He thought.

"What is it?" He asked.

The Doctor pressed hard on Reid's pubic bone. "This lump seems new, have you noticed this before?"

Reid reached down and touched himself where the Doctor had been pressing. There was indeed a new lump, one much larger than the rest. His heart began to beat rapidly.

"No, I never noticed this before," He said, his voice quiet.

The doctor pulled the gown down and patted his arm. "Don't be afraid Spencer, we're going to fight this with everthing we've got."

Reid swallowed nervously and stared at the ceiling; he wanted to disappear. "Fight this." He repeated.

&&&&&&&&&&

It wasn't even 10 am and Reid was exhausted. His two doctor appointments had taken their toll. Still, he didn't want to go home. Instead he found himself getting off the elevator on the sixth floor of the BAU offices. Through the glass doors he could see the team filing into the conference room, even Garcia was there. Out of habit he went to the kitchen area and poured himself a coffee, walked over and stood in the doorway to the conference room. Six pairs of eyes looked up in surprise.

"Spence," Said JJ.

Hotch's eyebrows knitted together in concern. "Reid, is everything alright?"

"I was in the area, could you use an extra pair of ears.?"

Morgan grinned and pulled out a chair. "Sit down," He ordered. Garcia reached over and squeezed his hand.

Reid felt uncomfortable with all the attention. "Please JJ, go on." All eyes turned to JJ.

Several pictures of attractive well dressed women appeared on the screen.

"Over a period of 4 weeks, four dead bodies have been found in alleyways in Atlantic city . Each one had their throats slit. All of the women were prostitutes who worked the casinos. all mid thirties." She changed the picture. "The women were all found in this same fetal position, their long hair covering their faces. There was also no sexual assault. "

"That's a lot of remorse." Remarked Morgan.

"Could the unsub be a woman?" asked Prentiss.

"Unlikely." Said Hotch. "I do know we have three days to find the killer. Let's finish the rest of the briefing on the plane. Wheels up in 20." The team gathered up their files.

"I'd like to come with you." Said Reid.

The team stopped and stared at him.

"Reid," Said Hotch quietly. "I don't think you'd be able to employ your skills. All our heads have to be in this."

Spencer realized that Hotch was trying to tell him that they couldn't afford to worry about him.

"Hotch, I can be of use. I could do a geographical profile. I feel fine today and if I don't later, I'll go back to the hotel. Please, I can help." Reid held his breath, he really needed this. He had to get away from the loneliness of his apartment and out of his own head for a while.

"It's ok with me." Rossi said.

"Me too." Added Prentiss.

"Is your go bag still here?" Hotch asked.

"Yes!" Finding it hard to contain his excitment.

"Then let's go."

Morgan gave his friend a wink and clapped him on the back. "Missed you Pretty boy."

&&&&&&&&&&&

Hotch introduced the team to the Atlantic city local police. Reid was given a large map and a table as a workspace. He fell into step instantly. It was like putting on a pair of comfortable old shoes; it was as if he had never been away. With the information he got from the local force and the profile the team provided, Spencer was able to narrow down within three miles where the unsub likely picked up his victims.

Hotch and Rossi and Prentiss gave the profile to a room full of detectives and uniforms. Reid sat back and watched, it felt like old times. Hotch concluded the profile. The lead detective approached him.

"Agent Hotchner, there are some other people here your profile might help."

Hotch and Rossi looked over the detective's shoulder to see several well dressed but scantily clad women staring at them.

"These women are _'working girls'" _He explained. "They need to feel safe, they need to hear the profile too."

Hotch nodded. Rossi and Prentiss began the profile again.

"... and remember. Rossi concluded. "We think the victims probably knew and trusted this person, so stick together, trust no one and call us if someone just doesn't seem right, our main concern here is to catch this killer, not hassle you."

Rossi looked at the group; he expected a couple of questions, but one by one the womens attention drifted to the other side of the room where a young profiler sat hunched over a large map. One woman even went over and began a conversation. Rossi stared at the group perplexed.

"What's going on?" He asked Hotch.

Hotch and Prentiss looked at each other and sighed. Hotch stood with his arms folded over his chest watching the scene unfold.

"Have you ever heard of the Reid effect?" Asked Hotch.

"What? The thing with kids and animals not liking Reid?"

"Well, this is the other_ Reid effect_." Explained Hotch.

Prentiss stood shaking her head. "Apparently hookers find Reid irresistable."

"No shit." Said Rossi in awe as the women drifted closer to their object of fascination like cats to a bowl of fresh cream.

The head detective had enough. "Ok ladies, time to go, thank you for coming in, be careful out there." He began to herd the women out the door.

"He needs to be fed." One woman was heard saying.

"He'd definitely be on the house." Said another.

The three profilers stood staring at their young teammate who sat completely oblivious to the small commotion he had just caused.

"This really should be studied some day." Said Prentiss.

"It boggles the mind." Said Hotch.

&&&&&&&&&&&&

Reid lay in his hotel room bed. Morgan had just called him and told him the unsub had been captured. It turned out he was a night security man at a casino. He was in his early twenties. It turned out he had spent his childhood listening to his mother turning tricks in the room next to his until she herself was murdered by one of her Johns. Reid's profile had helped locate him.

"It was great having you with us again." said Morgan sincerely " We aren't leaving til the morning, do you want to catch some dinner with us tonight?"

"No, I ate already." Reid Lied. He felt tired and thought maybe he'd order roomservice and go out to the boardwalk to look at the ocean for awhile.

"See you later man."

"Good night Morgan."

He felt hot and took off his clothes and layed back down on the bed. His hand drifted down where the Doctor had found a new lump.

"Yup, still there." He turned on his side and watched the sunset through his window; it was beautiful. The last two days had been good .

_'I could close my eyes and go right now, it's so peaceful,' _He thought.

His eyelids felt heavy and soon he was asleep.

&&&&&&&&&&&

_Reid knew he had to be dreaming. He was still lying on his bed in a hotel room in Atlantic City, but she was there too. She lay curled up beside him. The room was dark now. He could feel her naked body pressed up next to his. Her fingers lightly danced in the hollow of his stomach between his two protruding hip bones._

_"Why isn't my love enough for you?" She asked, her voice full of pain._

_"It is." He said._

_"I love you." She whispered in his ear. _

_"I love you too."_

_Her fingers moved down until they lightly rested on the lump on his pubis._

_"Stop! Don't touch me there, I'm sick." He felt panicked._

_Her fingers gently grazed the area. "I don't care about this, this doesn't matter."_

_"It should matter, please stop." Tears were threatening to spring from his eyes._

_Suddenly he felt a weight upon him . She was sitting across his legs . He could see the outline of her long hair in the darkness. She took a wrist in each hand and held them down at his sides. She leaned down and he could feel her hot sweet breath on his neck._

_"Fight for me." She ordered. _

_"I can't." _

_"Yes you can, I love you. Show me that you love me." She whispered urgently._

_'I can't." _

_"Show me, fight for me." Her voice was ragged and breathy. _

_"Please stop, please." He begged. He tried pushing her away. _

"_Reid_. Reid, are you alright?" A deep male voice broke through his dream.

Reid woke up abruptly. Morgan and Rossi were outside his door calling for him.

"Ok ok, " He yelled. "Wait a minute." The room was dark; he realized he was still naked and in a semi aroused state. _' Wow, weird dream.' _He thought. He pulled on his boxer shorts and a t-shirt and stumbled to the door. The light in the hall made him squint at the two men standing there.

"What do you want?" He asked grumpily. He was standing slightly hunched over.

Rossi gave him the once over. "We heard you yelling, and why are you standing like that?"

"I guess I was dreaming and I stubbed my toe on a chair."

Rossi looked skeptical, "Are you alone Reid, one of those women didn't follow you back here did they?" He said in a mock serious tone.

"Huh?" Reid didn't make the connection. "It's late guys." He whined.

"What women?" asked Morgan.

"There were call girls at the precinct yesterday." Explained Rossi.

"Ah! Nuff said." said Morgan, who was well aware of the _other Reid effect._

"It's only 9:30 Reid, may we come in for a minute?"

Reid felt it was safe to stand up straight. He switched a light on. "Sure, just let me get dressed." He closed the door, pulled on some pants and let them in.

"Just seeing how you're doing kid."

"You did great today." Added Rossi.

Reid shrugged. "Thanks, it was just geographical profiling."

Morgan looked hesitant, "Look, we know you start chemo again in a couple of days. Rossi and I.. all of us just want you to know that we're here for you."

Reid tilted his head at the familiar words. "Gee, maybe I should have kept that whistle you gave me." Reid had meant that comment to come out light but he saw Morgan grimace . Rossi looked confused.

"I was a bit of a jerk back then." Morgan said softly.

Reid hadn't meant to make Morgan feel bad, "Hey the case is over." He walked over and opened his mini bar. "Lets have a drink."

Rossi flopped down into the nearest chair. "Best idea I've heard all night."

"I certainly hope you're not charging the Bureau for that." Said a stern voice from the doorway. Hotch stood scowling at the three men, arms crossed.

"Please, it's just a little paperwork," Teased a feminine voice behind him. Hotch turned around and his scowl slipped a little at the sight of JJ and Prentiss grinning at him.

"So this is where the party is." Said Prentiss as she helped herself to the minibar.

"Take it easy, remember Vegas," Warned Rossi. She stuck her tongue out at him.

Reid smiled at his teammates. His feeling from this afternoon and the woman from his dream were temporarily forgotten.

&&&&&&&&&&&

David Rossi liked to get to the office early. He enjoyed the peace and quiet. Sometimes he would see JJ there in her office sipping tea with a huge stack of files in front of her. Other times he would find Hotch working away at his desk. He often suspected that Hotch was there from the night before. This morning, however neither Hoch or JJ was there, but somebody was and they were in his office. From a distance he recognized the shape of the head and the familiar stance. He slowly approached his office til he was standing in the doorway face to face with someone he had not seen or spoken to in a very long time. The man in front of him stared him straight in the eye.

"Hello Dave." He said without surprise.

"Hello Jason, it's been a long time."

Jason Gideon gave a half smile. "Just checking out my old office."

"You mean my new one." Rossi said.

Gideon looked around the room. "We always had very different tastes."

"Yes, are you still collecting pictures of birds Jason?"

Gideon smiled, "Still collecting wives Dave?"

Rossi ignored him. "You left under strange circumstances. What are you doing here this early?"

"Honestly, I thought I'd see Reid. He used to come in early. I need to talk to him."

Rossi frowned, "Reid, have you seen him or spoken to him?"

Gideon shook his head, "No, I 've written to him a few times in the last several months; he hasn't replied. I guess he's angry with me."

"Reid isn't here Gideon."

"Oh, is he on vacation?"

Rossi saw the mild surprise on Gideon's face._ Oh shit, he doesn't know. What should I tell him, what would Reid want. _Rossi recalled Reid's reaction to the letter he was now sure was from Gideon. Gideon showing up in person might possibly send him off the deep end. Especially with the stress of new chemotherapy looming over him. Hell, a visit from his father nearly had him leaping off the nearest bridge. '_I'll be damned if I let Jason Gideon mess with his head right now._' Rossi knew he had to proceed carefully. Jason was an excellent profiler and could spot a lie ten miles off.

Gideon was staring at him, waiting for an answer.

"What do you want to talk to him about?" Asked Rossi.

Gideon raised his eyebrows. "That's personal, perhaps I should go to his apartment." He said almost to himself.

Rossi thought quickly, "Look Gideon, maybe you should hold off for a bit."

"Why? I need to speak to him."

_' Yes, because it's always about what you need.' _"Reid's taking some personal time off. His father has recently come back into his life. It's thrown him for a loop; maybe just give him some space to sort his head out; before another father figure reappears." _'There, that was only half a lie. I wonder if he'll buy it.' _

Gideon stared at the floor a moment. "It might be beneficial if I do talk to him. I might be able to help."

'_Yeesh! How big can this guy's ego get?' _"No, he needs time. Honestly." Rossi threw in a smile for good measure.

Gideon threw up his hands. "Ok, I'll wait, you are the father of the BAU after all." He gave Rossi a mock salute and headed out the door. "Goodbye Dave."

Rossi tried to hide his relief. "Oh, and Jason."

"Yes Dave." He said turning around.

"It might be a good idea if you stopped hanging around his building waiting for him,"

Gideon made a strange face. "What are you talking about, I just got into town this morning." He shook his head and continued to walk away.

Rossi felt a chill go up his spine. He was sure he felt someone there that night, just who the hell was it?

&&&&&&&&&&&

FIN

AN: Reid is back in the thick of it next chapter. Please read and review. Thank you for all your kind comments last chapter.

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	15. Chaos and Confusion

**Chaos and Confusion**

**Disclaimer: I do not own criminal minds.**

_'In adversity, man is saved by hope.' _Menander

AN: My apologies for the late update, my computer was having some problems. I hope you continue to enjoy the story.

&&&&&&&&&&&

Aaron Hotchner and David Rossi took a table in the corner of the bar. The waitress set their drinks down in front of them.

Rossi raised his glass of scotch in a toast. "Salute!"

"What are we we toasting?" asked Hotch.

"Another day of being alive and well."

Hotch raised his glass. "That I can drink to." He took a swig of his whiskey.

The two men sat silently for a few moments sipping their drink; finally Hotch turned and faced his friend.

"Ok Dave, I'll bite, why did you ask me out for a drink; what's bugging you?"

Rossi arched an eyebrow. "Can't an old friend ask you out for a drink without some ulterior motive?"

Hotch gave his friend a sideways glance, "Not usually on a Thursday Dave."

"Wow, am I that predictable?"

Aaron smiled, "No, not really; I'm just that good."

Rossi wagged his finger at his friend. "Don't let our younger colleagues hear you, remember our no profiling each other rule."

Aaron laughed.

Rossi sat back and took another sip of scotch. "I think we have a problem Aaron."

"When don't we have a problem?"

"No really, Jason Gideon was in my office early yesterday morning."

Aaron turned and looked at him. "Oh."

"Yeah oh!"

Aaron's usual frown deepened. "Did he say what he wanted?"

"Yes, he wanted to talk to Reid; he doesn't know he's sick."

"Did you tell him?"

"Hell no! In fact I said Reid was taking some time off and that he needed space."

Aaron looked Rossi in the eye. "That will only last so long Dave. They're bound to meet up sooner or later."

"I'm just worried, the kids on a slippery slope. He did so well in Atlantic city. He was the best I've seen him in months."

Hotch sighed, "I know, but there's only so much we can do. I don't think Gideon wants to hurt Reid."

Rossi downed his drink. "No, he never _wants_ to hurt anyone." He signaled the waitress. "Another round?"

Hotch nodded.

&&&&&&&&&&

Reid took a deep breath. Here he was again. It was late Friday afternooon and he was sitting in a near empty clinic awaiting his chemo. He closed his eyes and forced himself to calm down. '_Think positive, this time is going to be different.' _He thought. The nurse smiled at him. The canula was inserted into a vein in his arm. He held his breath. Reid watched her inject the chemo drugs into the the IV line. _'There, it's done, no turning back.' _Still, he couldn't stop his hands from shaking.

"Spencer, good!" A male voice boomed. "I want to talk to you." Reid looked up to see Dr Bledsoe standing over him.

"Hi." He said. He wasn't in the mood for conversation.

" I see they've got you started, that's good. We're going to have success with this one."

"I hope so." Reid said weakly.

"Yes, did you know there's also miminal hair loss with this one? That's a plus already."

Spencer just gave him a wan smile.

The doctor bent down and checked his lines. He began to speak in less jovial tones.

"Ok Spencer, now of course we know that there are going to be side effects; possibly vomiting, nausea, and mouth sores; but should you experience any symptoms like you had before or any thing that worries you; call my office immediately; we don't let things get out of hand this time. Understood?"

Reid nodded. He just hoped the anxiety he felt didn't eat him from the inside out

&&&&&&&&&&&

Garcia quietly entered the clinic. She could see Reid at the other end of the room talking to his doctor. He seemed to be the only patient. She could see the IV in his arm; his chemo had already begun.

The sight of him got to her everytime. He just looked so fragile and helpless. She felt her eyes well up. She inwardly scolded herself.

_'Stop it doesn't help Reid.' _Garcia squared her shoulders and strode over to him.

"Hello sweetcheeks." She leaned over and gave him a peck on the forehead.

Reid's face broke into a smile when he saw her. "Dr Bledsoe, this is my friend Penelope Garcia."

The doctor raised a eyebrow. "Yes, I remember a late night phone call from you Ms Garcia."

Penelope's smile widened.

The doctor turned back to Reid. "Spencer, remember what I said. I have to go now. Good-day Ms Garcia."

Garcia giggled as she watched him leave.

"Do I even want to know?" asked Reid. Garcia took his hand and gently squeezed it.

"Sorry I'm late Reid, I got held up at work." She bent down to rummage through her bag for some knitting. " ...And the traffic on a Friday is just horrible so I.."

Reid relaxed back into his chair. He was so happy to see her. Her presence was so warm and her voice so soothing. The knot in his stomach began to loosen. He watched her lips move, what was she saying, something about Kevin? She was getting hard to understand, she began to sound strange and muffled like she was speaking underwater. Garcia wasn't smiling anymore, she looked upset. _What's wrong Penelope? I'm right here_. _I'm right here floating above you; why are you standing up?...Why are you crying?... Everything's fine... Where are you going?'_

She told him Kevin had been giving her a hard time; he wanted her to go to a family wedding that was out of town but she refused. Garcia was telling Reid this story when she felt his hand go limp in hers. At first she thought he was just relaxing and maybe even falling asleep. She looked up at him and she saw his head fall to the side; his mouth was slightly open with a bit of saliva trickling out the side. His large hazel eyes stared at her but were completely devoid of expression or awareness.

"Reid, are you alright?" She asked, trying to keep the fear out of her voice. He didn't respond. She leaned in toward him and gently shook his shoulders.

"Reid honey wake up, you're scaring me." She said louder. His body had gone completely limp. She stood up and looked around for the nurse

_'Where the hell is she!'_

She tried to rouse him again, holding his face in her hands.

"Reid, please don't do this to me. Please please wake up, look at me!" She begged.

"Don't die." She whispered franctically. Reid remained still and lifeless in her hands. She began to cry.

Garcia knew she had to get a doctor or a nurse fast. She ran from the room out into the hall, panicked.

"Somebody help me, my friend needs help!" The three people who were at the desk rushed into the room. Garcia followed.

"What happened?" Asked the nurse.

"I don't know, one minute he was fine, the next he was like this."

"Susan." Ordered the nurse who appeared to be in charge, "Try to page his doctor, I think he's still in the building." She felt his pulse and listened to his heart. "He has a pulse, he's still breathing and his pupils are reactive."

Penelope stood trying not to hyperventilate. The nurse looked at her and said something quietly to the male nurse beside her. He walked over to Garcia.

"Miss, it might be better if you waited outside."

"What, why?"

"Please Miss."

Garcia felt scared. "What's wrong, why do you want me to leave?"

The doctor entered the room and rushed past her.

"Miss!" The nurse gently took her by the arm and led her outside the room.

"Derek! I've got to call Derek." She grabbed her cell and rushed out of the building.

Someone picked up her call on the second ring.

"Derek, it's Penelope, I need you!"

"Hello, this isn't Morgan. Garcia? Is that you? What's wrong?" Garcia had pressed Rossi's number by mistake.

"Rossi!" Her voice quavering. "I wanted to talk to Derek, I'm at the clinic with Reid. He's in trouble."

"Garcia, Morgan left early today to go out of town with Hotch. What do you mean in trouble?"

"I don't know, Reid wont wake up."

"Hold on Garcia, give me the address, I'll be right there."

&&&&&&&&&&&&

The first thing David Rossi saw when he entered the clinic was the swollen tear-stained face of Penelope Garcia.

"No one has come out to tell me anything."

Rossi took her by the arm, "C'mon, tell me what happened." He guided her to a chair where she tearfully recounted everthing that happened in the other room.

"Rossi, one second he was smiling at me, the next.." She couldn't finish her sentence.

Rossi patted her hand. "I'm gonna go in, just let them try to throw me out." He stood up and strode into the therapy room. Reid was no longer in a chair. They had moved him to a nearby bed. Rossi's heart leapt. He could see that Reid's shirt was unbuttoned. His heart was being monitered. A nurse was taking his blood pressure while another was taking blood.

_'Well, at least he doesn't have a sheet over his face.' _ Thought Rossi wryly.

One of the nurses moved aside. Now Rossi could see that Reid was concious. He heaved a sigh of relief. The kid looked kind of groggy and pale but he was definitely alive.

"Ah, agent Rossi" said Dr Bledsoe.

"How is he?" Rossi whispered.

"He's going to be ok. He apparently had some sort of .. episode," The doctor did not want to reveal too much. "He's going to be fine."

"Yeah." said Rossi, who kept staring at Reid like he might suddenly combust.

"Yes, it might have been a combination of stress, blood pressure and...when was the last time you ate, Spencer?"

Reid frowned, "Umm I don't remember, breakfast, Atlantic City maybe."

Rossi huffed. "Reid, I'm tempted to kill you myself."

The doctor walked over to him. "Could you please tell his blonde friend he's ok?" He asked gently.

Reid put his hand over his face and groaned. "Oh no, Penelope."

The doctor spoke to Rossi, "We're going to continue with his chemo and then someone can take him home."

Rossi nodded and went out to speak to Garcia.

Reid gulped, "Thank you Doctor, this disorder is something I'd rather my friends not know about. It wasn't ever this bad before."

Dr Bledsoe smiled. "You certainly keep us on our toes Spencer." He turned to the nurse. "Make sure he's steady on his feet before he leaves."

Reid put his arm across his eyes. "I can't believe I messed up again."

&&&&&&&&&&&

Rossi drove Reid back to his apartment; Garcia followed in her car. Once home, Reid dropped on his couch and proceeded to spend the better part of an hour apologizing for scaring them. Rossi told him to stop.

"Look Reid, you obviously couldn't help it, so just relax. You want something to drink?"

"Coffee?" said Reid hopefully.

Garcia jumped up. "Sure, I'll put on a pot for the three of us," She bustled into the kitchen. "Do you want something to eat?" She called.

Reid shook his head, "No, I know what's going to happen in the next hour or two."

"Oh right, sorry."

Reid leaned over to David. "Rossi, make Penelope go home; she's ruining her weekend because of me; you can go too, I'll be fine."

Rossi shook his head "After what happened today, forget it. But I guess you don't need the both of us here."

"What's this?" asked Garcia as she walked back into the room.

"You are going home and I am spending the weekend with Reid. My go bag is in the car."

"What? No! It's ok!"

"Garcia, I happen to know Kevin wants you to go to some family wedding this weekend with him. We could hear him whining all the the way from the fourth floor."

"Kevin will be just fine." She argued.

"Garcia, you're not going to subject me to another one of those man to man talks with Kevin again, are you?"

Garcia blushed.

Reid looked at her with pleading eyes. "Garcia, I'll feel so guilty if I think I've ruined your weekend."

"Don't make those eyes at me Dr Reid." She scolded. He continued to stare at her. "Oh alright, I'll go call Kevin. You don't fight fair."

&&&&&&&&&&&

Garcia wouldn't leave until she made sure Reid was comfortably settled on the couch with a coffee and she made sure the fridge was stocked with whatever they might need. She also made them promise to call her if they needed her for anything.

Rossi was trying to usher her politely out the door. "Ok Garcia, go, see your man, have a good time. We'll call, I promise."

"Now Agent Rossi, " She said quietly. "Make sure he drinks plenty of fluids; with being sick he can get dehydrated so easily."

"Yes Garcia."

"He has fresh t-shirts in his dresser just in case well... you know."

"I get it, now let's not keep Kevin waiting." He said while opening the apartment door.

"Oh, make him eat something, but it has to be light, nothing greasy or creamy."

"Alright."

"And another thing," She said turning around. "There's plenty of jello in the fridge and popsicles in the freezer and I keep fresh towels and washclothes in the bathroom cupboard."

Rossi rolled his eyes, "Yes, I'll tuck him in and read him a bed time story if I have to."

Garcia nodded, her expression serious. She laid her hand on Rossi's arm. "It can get really bad, I don't think you understand how it is." She said softly.

Rossi tilted his head and gave her an incredulous smile. "You do know what I do for a living, don't you? I find deviants and murderers. I think I can handle seeing someone being sick in front of me."

She looked into his eyes. "It's different when it's someone you care about."

Rossi sighed, "I can't believe you're not Italian. It's ok Garcia, everthing is going to be just fine."

Her eyes misted over. "I thought he was dying today." She whispered.

Rossi gave her shoulder a little squeeze, not quite sure of what to say. Garcia knew that Rossi cared. He just wasn't the warm and fuzzy type.

"Good night!" She called to Reid.

"Goodnight Garcia!" Reid called back.

&&&&&&&&&&&

After an hour or so Rossi thought that Garcia must be overly dramatic. He opened a can of chicken soup and heated it up for dinner for the two of them. Reid was a little quiet, but otherwise he seemed fine. They talked a little about work and afterwards settled themselves in Reid's small livingroom.

"Do you mind if I turn on the TV? There's a game on tonight." Rossi asked.

"Sure, go ahead, I think I'll just read awhile." Reid took the couch while Rossi poured himself a scotch and made himself comfortable in an old armchair. Every now and then he would glance at Spencer to see any change.

Reid looked up at him. "David, you really don't have to stay you know, I'm ok,"

Rossi smirked. "Are you kidding? Garcia would have my ass in a sling."

Reid gave a small smile. "Yeah, she would."

Another hour passed, Dave stole another glance at Spencer. It was then that he noticed a light sheen of sweat on his forehead. He was still holding his book in front of him, but no longer reading. He was merely staring at the page with a look of intense concentration. Suddenly he sat upright. It was as if he could no longer hold off the inevitable. He threw his book down and ran to the bathroom. Rossi got up and followed him. He could hear the painful sounds of vomiting behind the closed door. He waited several minutes 'til he heard water running and the toilet flush. He knocked then carefully opened the door. Reid stood at the sink pale and shakey, removing his tie and shirt.

"Can I get you anything?" Dave asked quietly

"A glass of water."

"Sure thing."

When Dave returned from the kitchen with the water, Spencer was already in his room ready for bed. Rossi handed him the water.

"How do you feel?" He asked.

"Like a science experiment."

Rossi smiled. "Try to get some rest, call if you need me."

Rossi hadn't been in the livingroom twenty minutes when he heard Reid in the bathroom time the door wasn't closed. Spencer was on his knees violently vomiting up whatever remained in his stomach. Rossi moved behind him and held back his hair.

"Thanks," Spencer gasped.

It began to become the theme for the evening. Reid couldn't keep anything down, even the water and flat gingerale Rossi brought him. He noticed Spencers skin felt unusually warm when he helped him to bed; he felt Reid's forehead.

"I think you might be getting a fever,"

Reid nodded, "Yeah, happens sometimes." Rossi brought him a cool damp towel.

The next time was the worst. There was nothing left in Reid's stomach to expel, yet his body still kept trying. Rossi saw him painfully dry heaving over the toilet bowl, his ribs and stomach clenching spasmodically. He finally stopped, he moved away from the toilet, still on his hands and knees, his eyes wet with tears. He felt too exhausted to move. Rossi knelt beside him and began rubbing his back in soothing circles.

"Thanks," Muttered Reid. He began to wish Garcia was back. This was not how he wanted to be seen by his one time idol; if he had the strength for it he would feel humiliated. As it was, he doubted he could even crawl back to his room. Rossi, as if reading his thoughts, put his hands under his arms and hoisted him up.

"C'mon, lets get you back to bed." He slowly led Reid back to his bed. Reid dropped on the mattress. He remembered something.

"David I forgot, I think I still have some anti-emetics in the bathroom cabinet. I think I need them now."

Rossi went into the bathroom and looked in the cabinet, There was an empty pill bottle. "Great!" he muttered. He grabbed a plastic pail from under the sink and put it beside Reid's bed. He sat down at the end of the mattress.

"Do you want me to call your doctor Reid?"

He shook his head. "No, this is just the way it is." He couldn't stay still, he kept shifting positions, unable to get comfortable.

"Alright, well I put this pail here so you don't have to get up so often, but you're out of your anti barf pills. I see there's a refill so I will call it in for you and have it delivered, ok?"

"Thank you David." His eyes were closed; he was trying to concentrate on not writhing around in discomfort.

Rossi went into the living room to make the phone call and regroup. Garcia had been right; this was hard. He had been fortunate enough in his life never to have someone close to him be seriously ill. Oh sure, once in a while one of his wives would have a bout of the flu and recover in a few days. This wasn't the same. It wasn't just witnessing someone struggling with sickness, it was the total feeling of helplessness of watching someone suffer and knowing there wasn't a damn thing you could do about it.

He made the call to the drugstore and went back to Reid's room. Spencer was asleep; exhaustion finally won out over nausea.

"_Good!"_ Thought Rossi. He pulled the blankets up over him. Reid looked so young now that he was asleep; once the lines of pain and anxiety were momentarily erased from his face.

_'Holy crap_.' He thought wryly. _'I really am tucking him in, Garcia would be pleased_.'

&&&&&&&&&&&

Rossi awoke at 6:30 am on the nose. It was habit with him. No matter how tired he was or how late he stayed up the night before; he would always wake up at 6:30. The rest of the night had been mostly uneventful. He heard Reid get up once; he went to check on him and found him curled up on the bathroom floor fast asleep. He led him back his bed.

It was light outside now, he padded noiselessly down the hall and looked in Reid's bedroom. He breathed a sigh of relief when he saw he was still sleeping. He thought now would be a good time to grab a quick shower. He got his go bag and brought it to the bathroom. He hoped the noise of the water running wouldn't wake Reid. Rossi pulled out a robe and a change of clothes and took off his pyjamas. He was just about to turn the water on when he heard a loud knock at the door.

"Shit!" He grumbled. He figured it must be the drug store delivering Reid's script; of course they show up now.

"I should answer the damned door naked." He groused as he pulled on his terry robe. He marched down the hall muttering profanities under his breath.

"If they think they're getting a big tip now, they're sadly mistaken," He yanked open the apartment door.

"It's about time you got here...!" Rossi stopped mid-sentence; his eyes widened in surprise. For there in front of him stood an equally surprised Jason Gideon, a deli bag in one hand and a smile fading from his shocked face.

FIN

AN: I'll try to do a quicker update next chapter. Please read and review and let me know what you think. I appreciate your comments and insights.


	16. Comings and Goings

**Coming and Going**

&&&&&&&&&&&

**Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds. Alas!**

_'To see what is right and not do it is want of courage' _Confucius

Jason Gideon made his way to Reid's apartment. it was early; but he liked early. He felt people were at their most honest in the wee hours and the most unguarded. He carried a bag of bagels and some take out coffee; he remembered that Reid liked his coffee sweet, but just how many sugars eluded him.

It was a small peace offering of sorts. He guessed that Reid was still angry with him and that's why he never responded to his letters, but once he saw him in person, he could explain to him. Reid would forgive him; Reid would understand.

Gideon was still mildly concerned about David Rossi's reaction to his appearance. Rossi didn't understand the special relationship he once had with Reid. Of course David had always been a little overly dramatic; if Spencer was having problems dealing with father issues, a familiar face could only help;after all he knew Reid a lot better than Rossi did. He entered the front doors of Reid's building with an air of renewed confidence.

&&&&&&&&&&&&

Across the street from the apartment, in a car, a pair of eyes followed Jason Gideon into the old apartment building.

&&&&&&&&&&

Jason stood at the front door to Reid's apartment. He took a deep breath; now he felt nervous. He hadn't seen Reid in over two years, a lot had changed. He chastised himself. _'Get a grip'_ He thought. _'This is Reid we're talking about' _He made several loud raps on the door. He waited, then knocked again. He heard footsteps from inside and a gruff male voice.

&&&&&&&&&

Some have said it was nearly impossible to surprise Jason Gideon, but for the sight that greeted him that early Saturday morning, flabbergasted might have been the more appropriate adjective. Reid's front door swung open and he was confronted with the sight of an extremely grumpy David Rossi wearing only a kneelength bathrobe loosely belted around his waist.

Suffice it to say, Rossi was equally taken aback. Gideon stood there momentarily speechless. Rossi immediately stepped out into the hall and closed the door behind him.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Rossi whispered harshly.

Jason lifted his eyebrows, "I might ask you the same thing."

Rossi tightened the belt around his waist. "I'm helping Reid."

Gideon gave Rossi a once over. "Helping him do what?"

Rossi shook his head in annoyance." "He's under the weather, I'm helping out. Anyway, I thought we agreed it was better if you stayed away from Reid for awhile."

Jason was having a difficult time understanding this strange protectiveness coming from the senior profiler. The David Rossi he knew and remembered was a hard nosed take no prisoners kind of guy. This was beyond strange; there were secrets here.

"Dave, " he said, his voice calm. "I don't work for you or the BAU anymore. I changed my mind, ok?."

Rossi was about to snarl out a reply when a thin pimply faced teenaged delivery boy hesitantly approached them.

"Delivery from Wahl's Drugs." He said meekly.

Rossi suddenly remembered he was standing in the hallway wearing only a bathrobe.

"Oh yeah, hang on kid I'll get my wallet." Rossi walked back into the apartment, Gideon followed. The delivery boy waited in the hall.

The apartment was as Jason remembered it; he saw the blankets and pillows on the sofa. He surveyed the room_,'Where was Reid_?'

He put down the bagels and coffee and walked down the hall toward Reid's bedroom. He hesitated a moment outside the door, then gently pushed it open. He saw a blanket covered mound on the bed. Reid was asleep with his back to Gideon. Jason could see the long tousled hair peeking out from the top of the blanket; hair much longer than he remembered it. He also saw the plastic bucket beside the bed. Rossi hadn't been lying, Reid really was sick. It even smelled like a sickroom; there was a strong odour of disinfectant and bleach throughout the whole apartment. A horrible thought occurred to Gideon; he felt the hairs on the back of his neck stand up. He felt seized by guilt.

"What are you doing?" It was the stern voice of Rossi. He stood close to Gideon. He held Reid's perscription in his hand. Jason's keen eyes could make out what the script was and it only confirmed his worst fears.

"I just wanted to see him." Gideon said softly.

Rossi regarded the former profiler. There was a sudden change in Jason's demeanor, something different in his voice.

Gideon looked at him. "I'll go, maybe you're right; my visit can wait for now."

Rossi walked him to the door. "Goodbye Jason."

Jason looked around the room again. This time he spotted the photos on the bookcase. There was one of Henry and another one of Reid with a goofy grin on his face holding a newborn Henry. He stared at the pictures confused. Rossi saw where he was looking and was about to explain when he thought, _'Screw it, let Gideons old brain gnaw on that one for awhile'_

"Goodbye Jason." He said again.

Gideon smirked at him. "Goodbye Dave, and put some clothes on would ya."

Rossi closed the door and locked it. If it hadn't been been seven oclock in the morning he would have made a drink. He noticed Jason had left the bagels and coffee. He grinned. _'At least it wasn't a total loss.' _

&&&&&&&&&&&

By the time Rossi finished his shower and dressed, Reid was up and sitting on his sofa, legs curled under him.

"Hey, how are you feeling?" Rossi inquired.

Reid rubbed his stomach and sore ribs. "Better than last night, but not great. Is there coffee?"

Rossi had drank the stuff Gideon brought and enjoyed the bagels, but he remembered to make a fresh pot of coffee for Reid.

"Sure, want something to eat?"

Reid grimaced; even the idea of food made a wave of nausea wash over him.

"You should have something, or we'll both have to deal with Garcia." Said Rossi.

Reid had to smile. "Right, ok, maybe some jello then."

Rossi shrugged, "Better than nothing I guess."

He brought Reid his jello and poured them both a coffee. He sat down and stared as Reid tentatively picked at his red jelled dessert product. He felt guilty for not telling him about Gideon, but he just seemed so vulnerable right now. Lately he sensed a change in Reid's mood, a sense of defeat, a slow gradual winding down. Was Jason's appearance a good thing or a bad thing? All Rossi had to rely on was his gut instinct and his guts told him Jason ought to stay away.

Reid looked up at Rossi. He was aware of the man's scrutiny. Of course they all stared at him now. It was as if they weren't sure of what he might do next, faint, cry, keel over or projectile vomit. He couldn't blame them. He longed to be just Reid again and he wasn't sure if that was ever going to happen. It no longer made him sad, just angry as hell.

The silence was broken by the sound of Rossi's cell phone. He answered it._ 'Hotch.' _He mouthed to Reid. Spencer sat up with interest.

"Ok Hotch, I'll be there." Rossi ended the call. "Hotch and Morgan are in a small town outside of Chigago; they were interviewing a convict when they were asked to consult on a case that has ties to a murder I worked on 16 years ago. They asked me to meet them there."

Reid blinked at him. "What are you waiting for? Go."

David looked at him, Reid looked annoyed "David, they need you, I'll be fine. I took my anti-emetic; I really don't feel too bad."

"You sure?"

"Yes, really."

David picked up his cell phone. "Hold on. I have an idea."

&&&&&&&&&&&&

Reid leaned back in his armchair and watched Emily Prentiss move about his apartment. _She _was Rossi's solution. She gave him a big smile as she began to unpack a few groceries.

"Emily, I appreciate you coming here, but I really don't need a baby sitter." He complained.

"I know you don't, but we're all afraid of Garcia." She winked at him. She took two cans of soda out of the fridge and handed him one; she made herself comfortable on the sofa.

He leaned his head back and closed his eyes. "I'm a grown man. " He groaned.

Prentiss gently laid her hand on his arm. "Reid, grown men need help too. Besides, I had nothing to do anyway. I notice you have a chess board, wanna play later, best two out of three?"

Reid looked over at his hand carved chess set.

"Are you chicken?" She goaded. "How about, if I win, you have to watch the chick flick I brought."

"And if I win?" Said Reid.

Emily pursed her lips. "Well... you still have to watch the chick flick I brought."

"Sounds fair." Said Reid dryly.

&&&&&&&&&&

The evening went better than he expected. The pills were helping, though he was still sore and and had very little energy. He managed a little of the dinner Emily made. They played three games of chess of which he won two. Even the movie featuring the eighties bratpack wasn't too bad.

Emily saw how tired he looked. "C'mon Reid, I'll help you to bed." He didn't argue. She pulled him up and put an arm around his waist.

"Your're kinda wobbly still." She commented.

"That's because I sit all the time now. Thanks for the movie; I never watched a movie about a prom before."

"Did it remind you of yours?" She asked.

"Hardly, I was twelve years old in high school, I didn't go."

"Really? Me either."

"You didn't? That surprises me, you're so..." He didn't finish.

"Nope, family moved around too much, mostly to foreign countries. I think proms might be an American thing."

"Too late for us now." Reid added.

They were in his room now; she suddenly realized she was conversing with him with her arm around his waist; she abruptly let go and stepped back. Reid didn't notice. He actually seemed to be getting used to being seen and and touched in bizarre places. He lay down on his bed and pulled the covers over him.

"Goodnight Emily, thank you."

She resisted the urge to tuck him in. "Goodnight Spencer, call if you need me."

She walked out and closed his door.

&&&&&&&&&&&

For the most part it was a fairly calm evening; especially compared to what David Rossi described the night before. He also warned her about Jason Gideon.

The sofa she slept on was not too uncomfortable. She heard Reid get up around two in the morning. She could hear him being sick and the tap water running afterward .

_'There goes the dinner I made him, oh well.' _

At around three am she heard him up again in the kitchen.

"Reid?" She called softly.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you, I left my pills in the kitchen." He apologized.

It was four am when the distinct feeling that someone was in the room with her woke her up. She had fallen asleep facing the back of the sofa. Was Reid standing there needing help but too afraid to wake her up?

"Reid." She murmured. "Everything ok?"

There was no answer. She turned around and peered into the darkness. She heard the soft sound of breathing.

"Reid." She said a little louder this time. There was a noise behind her. All of a sudden she felt very spooked; she sat up and reached for the switch on a nearby lamp. She was alone in the room. Emily grabbed her purse off the coffee table and pulled out her gun. She was going to search the apartment. She heard what she heard. She knew she had not been dreaming.

The living room was clear, as was the kitchen and bathroom. She slowly walked to Reid's bedroom. She looked in, he was sound asleep. He didn't look like someone who had been up out of bed only minutes before.

It was when she walked back to the livingroom she saw something that made her heart quicken. The door to the apartment was open, not all the way, just enough to not make a latching sound when you closed it.

_'Shit, did I leave it like that?' _She thought. _'Did somebody come in here tonight?'_

An icy chill went up her spine; she looked out into the empty hallway then quickly shut the door and locked it. She needed to check in on Reid again.

Emily went back into his room. He was lying on his back with a thick comforter pulled up to his waist. He was shirtless, his t-shirt was thrown on the floor. By the way his damp hair was stuck to his face, she guessed he was having night sweats again. She was about to pull his comforter off to make him cooler when she stopped herself, she didn't know if he had taken his bottoms off as well. He began to stir. She held her gun behind her back.

"Emily, what's wrong?" He said, still half asleep.

"Nothing, I thought I heard you call me; go back to sleep." She would tell him what happened tomorrow.

"Ok ." He whispered and turned over on his side.

Emily tiptoed out of his room and went back to the sofa, but she couldn't sleep.

She fixed herself a nightcap of scotch and water and turned on the tv. She watched infomercials 'til sunup.

&&&&&&&&&&&

The sun shone in through the livingroom windows casting away all shadows of the night before. Reid and Emily both sat cross legged on his couch sipping coffee. She watched him drink. He kept grimacing as he took sips of his coffee, his hand touching his mouth.

"What's wrong Reid, coffee too hot?"

He shook his head, "No, my mouth is sore, my back is too, for some reason."

Emily was concerned. "Turn around and let me look at your back."

"No thank you." He flinched as he leaned against the couch.

"Reid, stop being silly, turn around, I wont bite."

He turned til his back was to her and he let her pull his t-shirt up over his shoulders. She tried not to react too much to what she saw.

His body was almost skeletal but on top of that he had several bruises and some red painful looking blisters on his shoulder blades.

He noticed her silence."Emily, are you still there? What is it, am I growing something scary?" He joked.

"I think you might be getting bedsores, and you have a lot of bruises too."

"Oh I fall sometimes; I'm covered in bruises." He stated matter of factly.

She gently ran her fingers down his back; he involuntarily made a small sound of pleasure. She did it again. She could almost feel the tension leaving his body as he relaxed under her touch; unusual, especially for Reid, the most non- tactile person she had ever met. She smoothed his t-shirt back down.

"You should ask your doctor about the sores."

"Yeah, I will." He moved down the couch a bit, oddly embarassed and not sure why.

&&&&&&&&&&&

It was late in the afternoon, Reid was napping. Emily still hadn't mentioned to Reid about the unlocked door and the feeling of someone in the room with her last night. In the cool light of day; it was easier to push those ideas out of her head and not possibily distress Reid. She wanted to dismiss what happened. Her profiler instincts just wouldn't let her.

She was fixing another pot of coffee when the doorbell rang. She peeked through the peephole and saw a brightly dressed Penelope Garcia. Emily opened the door. Garcia practically pirouetted into the room.

"Hello Emily," She sang." Rossi told me you'd be here. I just had Kevin drop me off. We had a wonderful time and later on I literally danced his pants off."

Emily put her hands up, "Please, spare me the details."

Garcia looked around the room. "Where's our baby?" She asked, slightly apprehensive.

"Don't worry Mother, he's napping." Said Prentiss with a smile as she poured them both a coffee.

"Good, how's he been?"

"Not too bad, was sick a couple of times, mostly just feeling yucky."

Garcia nodded, "Well I've come to relieve you. I'll stay tonight. See, I have my own little go bag."

Emily felt a little disappointed; apart from Reid being ill and there being a possible prowler, she was actually enjoying Reid's company. Their job could be frenetic at times and there was stillness to Reid that she appreciated. They were comfortable enough with each other to just be in the same room together. There was no pressure to make conversation only for the purpose of filling a silence.

"It's ok Garcia, I don't mind staying."

Garcia wouldn't hear of it. "The day is still young my dear and so are you, go enjoy your Sunday!"

"You should both go enjoy your Sunday, I told you I'll be fine."

They both turned to see the slim figure of Reid leaning against the door frame, with a half amused look on his face.

&&&&&&&&&&&

Dark eyes squinted up at the apartment. The zoftig blond with the wildly coloured hair and clothes just went in. Spencer Reid had too many people around him a good deal of the time. Patience was what was required; for alone was the only way to get this done. Patience.

&&&&&&&&&&&

Jason Gideon sat alone in his hotel room. He ran his fingers through his sparse head of hair and hung his head. This wasn't the reunion he had hoped for.

He had seen the perscription for Reid, and knew immediately what it was. He also knew now why Reid didn't anwser his letters or want to see him. He felt his heart break.

_'David Rossi was protecting him, maybe even enabling him,'_ He thought angrily, "_But why?_

He had to face facts. Facts he refused to believe before or maybe he just chose to ignore them and hoped they would go away.

Reid was a drug addict. Plain and simple. He was obviously still hooked. Right now he could be trying to quit and going through withdrawal, hence the drugs for nausea.

How had Hotch let this go on for such a long time? He knew that Reid had problems. He himself trusted that Reid knew the right thing to do. He had come back to talk to Spencer, but that talk would have to wait. Reid needed his help, and help him he would; even if it meant that he had to drag Reid kicking and screaming into a rehab facility.

FIN

AN: Please read and review. Once again I meant to have this chapter up sooner but my computer had other plans and pooped out on me again.

Poor Reid, he and Gideon meet up next chapter and it aint gonna be pretty.

Thanks again for all the lovely reviews last chapter. You are a loyal bunch of readers.


	17. Rage and Despair

**Rage and Despair**

Disclaimer: I do not own criminal minds.

_'The way to love anything, is to realize it might be lost.'_ G.K Chesterton.

Aaron Hotchner shut the door to his office and pulled the blinds shut. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He needed to regroup; a moment to get his bearings again; usually a trip to Strauss's office didn't effect him this way; today was different.

He recalled standing across from her, her never changing stern features staring up at him.

"I'll get straight to the point SSA Hotchner. The bureau can no longer accept the situation with agent Reid, things must change." She said in her flat uncompromising voice.

"What do you mean?" He asked, though he was pretty sure he already knew what was coming.

She folded her hands across her stomach. "It seems that agent Reid flits in and out of here whenever he feels like it to work. Now I understand he's ill and is unable to fulfil his duties most of the time, but I'm afraid the status quo is no longer acceptable."

"What are you suggesting we do?" Asked Hotch carefully.

"He will remain on paid sick leave of course, but I want you to hire a replacement for him. There are several suitable canidates here." She pointed to the stack of files on her desk.

Hotch's heart sank; he knew she was right. They really were a man down and it had been difficult with Reid hardly ever there. He just wasn't sure what this news would do to him.

Strauss took his silence to mean he was in agreement. She stood and handed him the files

"I expect you to make a decision by the end of this week." Her cold blue eyes peered right through him.

"Yes, unless we're called out on a case."

She fixed with an icy stare. "Should that happen, take the files with you."

Hotch could say nothing more. He took the files and retreated back to his small sanctuary he called an office.

Now he sat at his desk rubbing his temples. Reid was coming in this afternoon,_ 'Should I tell him then?' _Aaron thought this day probably couldn't get any worse, that was until he heard the unmistakable voice of Jason Gideon outside his door.

&&&&&&&&&&&

Reid sat across from his physician, trying to read the the man's face as he looked over Spencer's lastest blood work. He had been given another thorough examination this morning and had another session with his "shrink". She had suggested he join a support group for cancer patients or visit a wellness centre to meet people in the same situation as him. He just wasnt ready for that. It had taken him nearly a year to join Beltway clean cops.

His doctor looked up at him and smiled.

"Spencer, your bloodwork looks much better. I'm very pleased; the chemo seems to be doing it's job, and you're tolerating it well?" He asked

Reid exhaled. "Yes, it's not too bad, I mean it still makes me sick but the drugs help and I'm not losing as much hair."

"Good, that's good to hear." The doctor looked away for a moment.

Spencer felt it coming._ 'That was the good news.'_ He thought. _'Now the bad.'_ He knew how his physician worked.

As if on cue the doctor cleared his throat and began to speak. "There are still some things I am concerned about Spencer."

'_Here it comes, just say it, get it over with.' _Reid felt his chest tighten.

"First of all, that lump on your groin area has become larger; we're not sure why. All the other lumps have shrunk in size."

Reid merely blinked at him. The doctor continued.

"I think we should have it surgically removed and biopsy it. My secretary will set up an appointment for you to have it done, hopefully before your next chemo treatment."

Reid nodded, the words _'Secondary cancer' _ flashed over and over again in his mind like a great neon sign.

The doctor noted Reids strange silence, he wanted to reassure him. "Don't worry; it's a simple procedure, though we might keep you in the hospital overnight due to your medical history. I would suggest that you refrain from any sexual activity for awhile afterwards."

'_Not a problem doc'_

"Oh and another thing."

_'Another thing, there's more?'_

"You are developing bedsores. I'm going to prescribe antibiotics for that and you should try to change positions a lot when you're lying down; sleep on a soft surface. The antibiotic will also help with the mouth sores, I'm afraid you have thrush."

"Thrush! Like a baby?" This time he said it aloud.

The doctor gave him a mild smile. "Kind of." He looked back down at Reid's chart, he frowned. "You've lost more weight. You're in danger of becoming undernourished; you need to get your appetite back. My nurse will recommend a dietition. Are you eating?"

"Well between the mouth sores and nausea, it's rather a chore." He answered honestly.

"Just try, ok? I'll see you in a couple of weeks."

Reid's large hazel eyes just stared at him.

"Think positive Spencer, you got good news today." The doctor rose and gave Reid a kind pat on the shoulder. "Here is your script and don't forget to see my secretary on the way out."

He left the room leaving Reid sitting in his chair feeling overwhelmed by information. Spencer took another deep breath; he was glad he was going into the office today. The paperwork he planned to do would take his mind off the hundreds of thoughts and images coursing through his brain.

&&&&&&&&&&

Aaron slowly got up from his chair. The last thing he needed right now was Jason Gideon putting in a surprise appearance. He opened his office door and there he was, Gideon holding court with a group of younger agents that seemed to be hanging on his every word. Hotch had forgotten the affect Jason could have on the younger set. David Rossi might be more famous and glamorous for his BAU history and best selling novels, but Gideon had more of a folk hero mystique. The young agents stared at him enthralled; it was like he had never been away.

Rossi saw the commotion and sauntered over to Hotch.

"I know what you're thinking, how can two such enormous egos possibly fit in the same room."

Hotch laughed; Dave knew how to break up a tense moment. Hotch walked over to his former colleague. The younger agents scattered. Gideon turned towards him, the smile fading from his face.

"Jason, what brings you here."

"I think you know why, I need to see Reid."

Aarons scowl returned. There was a hostility in Gideon's voice that he didn't understand.

"Jason come into the conference room, we need to talk."

"Of course."

The room however was not empty. Agents Morgan, Prentiss and Jareau sat around the table. Morgan was the first to speak.

"What in hell are you doing here?"

"Good to see you too Morgan." Replied Gideon, giving Morgan a rather bland smile.

"Gideon wants to see Reid." Rossi supplied.

Morgan rose from his seat. "Maybe Reid doesn't want to see him." He snarled.

Gideon shook his head. "I can't believe what's going on here, why you're allowing this, especially you Hotch."

The team looked at each other confused.

"Allowing what?" Asked Prentiss.

Gideon looked around the room like he was suddenly surrounded by madmen.

"JJ, I thought you cared about him, at the very least, like a brother."

JJ, looked perplexed. "Gideon, I care very much about Reid, I always have."

"I know what's going on with him." He said darkly. "I know."

"You do?" The voice that spoke was soft and quiet but as clear as crystal and belonged to a very stunned Spencer Reid. He had entered the BAU just moments before and was shocked to see his old mentor standing before him.

Gideon spun around at the sound of the familiar voice, ready to embrace the young man. But the sight in front of him stopped him short. Jason couldn't believe his eyes. This was not the fresh faced Dr Reid he had left behind two years ago. The rest of the team had become used to Reid's appearance; to Gideon the shock was almost too much. The naturally thin young man was now gaunt and emaciated. His face hollow cheeked and pale; the once thick head of hair was now so long and thin in places that Gideon thought he could see his scalp through it. The only thing that remained the same was those huge hazel eyes that seemed to look right through him.

"Hotch, how could you let this happen?" He whispered.

Hotch had enough of this. "Reid, Gideon has come here to see you, Do you wish to speak to him?"

Reid looked at his boss, uncertain. He felt excited and sick at the same time. His mouth was so dry it was difficult to speak. He nodded his head instead.

"Fine, use my office, I'm sure you'll want privacy."

"Thank you Aaron." Gideon strode into Hotch's office. Reid followed. The two men sat across from one another. Gideon leaned forward and spoke quietly.

"Reid, this is not the original reason I wanted to see you, but now I have to speak up. I know what's going on with you."

Reid blinked at him several times confused. _'Gideon knows I have cancer, who told him?'_

"You do?"

"Yes son I do, and I can't believe Hotch let it go this far."

Now Reid was really baffled. '_Hotch?' _Reid frowned at his former colleague.

"I don't understand."

"Reid, I want to help you, come with me today; I know of a great place. They can help you. I've researched it extensively."

_'A place, does he mean a cancer treatment centre?'_

Gideon moved his chair closer. "Reid, you can get clean, I can help you; you'll come to understand you don't have to do this to yourself."

And then it suddenly dawned on him. Gideon didn't know about his cancer; he thought he was still using, that he was still doing dilaudid. The young profiler sat back, open mouthed in shock for a few moments. Then inexplicably, he started to laugh. He couldn't control himself. What started out as a few giggles soon erupted into full fledged gales of laughter. He couldn't stop. He laughed until his sides hurt and tears ran out his eyes. Now it was Gideons turn to be shocked. His laugh was now changing in pitch and was starting to sound slightly hysterical. He doubled over and slid off his chair onto the floor. Gideon stared at him, horrified.

Outside of Hotch's office the team gathered around the door. They could hear the uncharacteristic laughter.

"What the hell is going on in there?" Morgan whispered.

Inside the office Reid held his sides and gasped for breath. "You... you think I'm on drugs?" He gasped.

Gideon felt like he was in uncharted waters. "Reid." He said moving toward him.

"You came here to fix me, I'm a project now?" Anger was creeping into his voice.

"No Reid, I..."

The laughter was completely gone now. "Who the fuck do you think you are? You run away like a coward, I needed help then. What did you think; that you would come back and I would lie down like some loyal dog that's been kicked and lick your hand?"

Gideon stayed silent for a part of him knew he deserved this and another part knew Reid had to say it. Reid got up from the floor, tears still running down his face.

"Did you think I pined for you so much that I stayed on drugs all this time? You idiot, you moron, how could you be so stupid? Don't you get it, I'm not your problem to solve." Suddenly to Reid it was as if Gideon was the enbodiment of every wrong ever dealt to him. He was the bullies, the sadistic football players, the sick mother, the lost childhood and the cancer all rolled into one middle aged man. Spencer was full of rage and it all came spewing out directly at Jason Gideon.

Jason held his hands out in front of him. "Reid, I just want the truth."

Reid gasped for breath."Truth! Ok, here are some truths. It's your fault Elle got shot, you antagonized Tobias Henkle into beating me to death, you let an innocent woman go to the electric chair and you fucked over Morgan with your profile of him."

Reid knew he was being cruel but he just couldn't stop.

Gideon still tried to reason with him; he didn't realize it was like trying to reason with a runaway train.

"Reid, Spencer,.please understand; the way you looked. You're rail thin and..."

Spencer picked up a coffee cup and hurled it across the room. The sound of smashed porcelain startled Hotch enough to come into the office with the others right behind him. Hotch looked across the room to see his youngest agent out of breath, his face red and tear stained.

Reid didn't seem to notice the team, he merely glared at Gideon.

"The reason for me being so thin is not because I'm on drugs." He said through gritted teeth. "It's because I'M DYING!" He tried to make his way out the door when he turned around, his face almost unreconizable.

"One more thing, I let you win all those stupid chess games. Think outside the box? Are you kidding me. I spent my entire life thinking outside the box." With those final words he strode toward the elevators. Morgan tried to follow him; Rossi grabbed his arm.

"Let him go. That was a lot to purge all at once; let him catch his breath." He said.

Hotch motioned for the others to leave and shut his door. He went to his cabinet and pulled out a bottle of Scotch and a glass; he poured Gideon a healthy shot.

"Here, ,just this once." He said.

Gideon gratefully took the glass.

"What did he mean Hotch, when he said he was dying?"

Hotch pulled no punches. "Reid has cancer Jason, he's very sick."

Gideon downed the scotch with shaking hands. "What have I done?"

&&&&&&&&&&&

Reid drove around in his old Volvo for over a hour. He was trying to calm down and clear his head. He thought it was ridiculous and probably unsafe to drive in his condition so he headed home. Yet he didn't want to go home, to be alone with his noisy mind. He pulled up to a bar instead, only a block from his apartment.

He went in and took a seat at the bar and ordered a brandy; he grimaced at the taste of the bitter cheap barbrand. It was alright though; he drank it down as quickly as he could. He knew the second glass could only taste better.

He enjoyed the calming buzz of his second glass. He felt something else too; guilt and shame. He groaned out loud at the memory of the things he said to Gideon. He shouldn't have said those things even if he did believe some of them.

_'I threw a tantrum'. _He thought, '_Just like some petulant two year old.'_ He finished his drink.

"Another one?" Asked the bartender.

Reid looked at the young woman tending bar. "No, I think I'll switch to coffee if you don't mind, I'll be right over there." He pointed to a table in the corner.

"Sure thing hon, I'll brew a fresh pot," She looked into the young man's dark sad eyes. _'I bet there's a story in there to tell.'_ She thought.

Spencer made his way to the corner table and scrunched down in his seat. He was still mentally beratting himself when an unfamiliar voice spoke to him and shoved a glass in front of him. He looked up; it wasn't the bartender. It was an older woman. it was hard to tell her age; she was slender but the wide brimmed hat she wore covered her hair and part of her face.

"Hey sweetie, it looked like you could use another one of these." She pushed the brandy glass closer.

Reid looked up at her, "Oh thanks, but I really can't drink any more." He wondered if this woman was trying to pick him up.

She slid into the seat beside him. "Please sweetie, I don't drink brandy and I got it just for you."

Now that she was closer he could see her blue eyes; they looked familiar.

He thought a bit more brandy probably wouldn't hurt him.

"Ok, thanks then."

"Drink up." She coaxed.

He brought the glass up to his lips and took a generous gulp. It tasted worse than before and had a sharp bitter aftertaste.

Her lips curled into a smile. "That's better," She cooed.

Reid pretended to take another sip. The bartender was approaching them with the coffee. The woman got up quickly.

"See ya later sweetie." She hurried out of the bar.

Reid pushed the brandy away.

&&&&&&&&&&

Spencer decided to walk home. It wasn't far and he felt entirely too buzzed to drive. He staggered slightly down the street, feeling more drunk than he should have. He was completely unaware of the person following him.

&&&&&&&&&&&

When Reid arrived home he was surprised to see Emily Prentiss leaning against his door.

"Emily, what are you doing here?"

Emily turned to smile at him, he was swaying and she could smell the booze on his breath.

"I wanted to see if you were ok, we're all worried about you."

He waved his hand dismissively, "Don't worry, I know I acted like an idiot back there. I hope Hotch doesn't fire me."

"No Reid, don't apologize for the way you feel, almost everyone has a melt down sooner or later and I think Hotch understands and Morgan probably wants to give you a medal."

She watched him fumble with his keys. The locks had all been changed when she told the team she thought there might have been a possible prowler a couple of weeks ago.

"Here, let me do that." She took his keys and opened the door. He stumbled to his couch and sat down. Emily went to the kitchen.

"Want some coffee?" She called.

"Yeah sure, but you do know that coffee doesn't sober anyone up don't you?"

"Yes, I know; I also know you like coffee." She said nothing about his drinking; she felt she wasn't one to judge. She went into the living room and sat down beside him. She gave his shoulder a light squeeze; he didn't flinch or pull away; He just sat there, hunched over with his head in his hands.

"I saw my doctor today." He said, his voice barely audible.

Emily's pulse quickened.

"What did he say?" She asked, trying to sound calm.

"Nothing too bad, good news really. My...my blood tests showed improvement, my white count is better. It's just..."

"What is it?"

"I need to get this thing...a lump removed. I'm scared." He couldn't look at her. "I need to see my mom, I have to talk to her."

The catch in his voice was heartbreaking. This was the first time she ever heard him say he was frightened and all he wanted was his mother. Emily looked at the tired frail man before her and without so much as a second thought, she reached over and almost instinctively gathered him in her arms. He let her. She leaned back against the arm of the couch and held him tight. This was probably overstepping some sort of boundary but right then she really didn't care.

She thought of her friend Matthew. She always felt she had failed him. In many ways Reid was quite a lot like him. Maybe if she had held on to Matthew a little tighter he would still be here. The sound of Reid's heavy sigh tore her away from those unhappy memories. She felt Reid exhale as he rested his head on her shoulder and his body relaxed. He was asleep amazingly fast.

'He's exhausted.' She thought.

She leaned her cheek against the top of his head and closed her eyes; soon, she too was fast asleep.

&&&&&&&&&&

When Prentiss awoke several hours later, her and Reid were sleeping in exactly the same position. It was nearly dawn. She had a horrible crick in her neck and her right arm that Reid was half lying on, was asleep and tingly. She gingerly tried to extricate herself without waking him. She managed it; he hadn't moved a muscle or made a sound.

It was several moments later when she realized that Spencer was no longer breathing.

FIN

AN: Thank you for your patience. I was away for a bit. Please read and review.

TBC


	18. Spencer and Unsub

**Spencer and Unsub**

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds. No sadly I do not.

_'The true art of memory is the art of attention,'_ Samuel Johnson.

&&&&&&&&&&&

From a distance it looked like a meadow of brilliant green; the grass was soft and warm and glistened with dew, the trees tall, their trunks gnarled with age. It looked to be a perfect place. A light breeze made the branches of the willow trees sway as they whispered secrets only they shared to one another. An intimacy born of being together for decades; witnesses to untold sorrows. It was a quiet place, quiet and still as most graveyards are.

On the ground were perhaps hundreds of flat marble stones, each one engraved with a name and a date. In front of one such stone sat a woman whose face had seen too many summers to be called young anymore. She pulled a crumpled tissue from the pocket of her sweater and began to dust off the stone, all the while humming some aimless tune. When she felt satisfied that it was clean enough, she bent down and kissed the gravestone. She laid her cheek on the marble made warm by the sun. She stayed like this for a few moments then sat back up.

"It's nice here," She said as she stared up at the cloudless sky. "You have the western sun; sunsets are so beautiful, remember how we used to watch them together?" She laid down a handful of white flowers.

"I brought you these; next time I'll bring something you really like," The middle aged woman looked around furtively and bent down again close to the stone, as if making sure no one could hear her. She whispered to the grave.

"I took care of everthing."

The swaying willow trees were sometimes the only witnesses to madness as well.

&&&&&&&&&&&

Three days earlier.

Emily Prentiss stared at the still form of Reid. He wasn't breathing, she was sure of it. She grabbed him roughly by the shoulders.

"Reid, Reid!" She called as she shook him. Emily laid her head against his chest and tried to listen for breath sounds; there were none. She tried to feel for a pulse in his neck and his wrist. She began to feel herself consumed by a slow creeping panic that threatened to paralyse her.

"REID!" she yelled even louder. Now feeling foolish, she willed herself to calm down.

_'Danm it Emily, think! Put your emotions aside.' _Suddenly her training kicked in. She ran and grabbed her cellphone and dialed 911.

"I need help, I have a 27 year old agent...man here; he doesn't seem to be breathing, he's a cancer patient, I am going to administer CPR. Please send help immediately."

"Yes Ma'am, stay on the line with me. The ambulance is on it's way. Do you know what happened to him?"

"No I don't, sorry can't talk now." She threw the phone down on the floor and went to Reid . She was trained in CPR, they all were. She put her arms under his and pulled him onto the floor.

"REID!" She gave yelling at him another shot. She tilted his head back, his lips and the tips of his fingernails had a bluish tint; his body was still warm at least. She pinched his nostrils, placed her mouth over his and breathed air into his lungs. She saw his chest rise; she did it again. The sound of sirens drew near, then stopped. It seemed like an eternity since she had called them but in reality it was only a few minutes. They were here; she ran and opened the door and then went back to Reid. From inside the apartment she heard the elevator ding and the rush of footsteps down the hall.

"IN HERE" She yelled. Two young paramedics pulling a gurney ran immediately to Reid; Prentiss moved aside to let them work.

"You're lucky, turns out we were only a few blocks away when your call came in," One medic told her. Prentiss only nodded. The young man shone a light in Reid's eyes and listened to his chest.

"There it is! I'm getting a heartbeat, man, he's breathing, but barely. Did he take anything?" He asked as he and his partner lifted Reid onto a gurney and attached an oxygen mask to his face.

"Did he take anything?" Prentiss repeated. "No no, I mean I didn't see him take anything and he hasn't left my side all night." Prentiss thought hard; Reid did seem a little out of it last night when he got home but she attributed it to the booze she could smell on him. It was entirely possible he might have taken something besides the alcohol.

"It's possible he took something before he got home, I don't know." She added. The two paramedics hurried Reid out of his apartment building and into the ambulance. She climbed in with him and held his hand.

The paramedic watched the stricken face of the dark haired woman. '_They were always the last to know' _he thought. He had seen so many ODs, accidental and otherwise. '_By the looks of this guy he was probably just calling it a day'._

Emily squeezed Reid's hand and stared down at his still face. "I need you to be ok Reid." She whispered. "Please."

&&&&&&&&&&&

She had waited in her car all night long. She felt a thrill of satisfaction when she saw the ambulance pull up and the paramedics rush into his building. Moments later they reappeared with_ him _on the gurney.

_'You're too late.' _She thought. Then she saw his female colleague get in the ambulance with him. She felt a flash of anger.

"You can't save him, you black haired bitch, nobody can." She hissed under her breath.

The ambulance pulled away, it's sirens wailing.

The desire to follow it to the hospital was almost overwhelming, but she knew that would be a mistake. Instead she drove off in the opposite direction toward the freeway.

Her work here was done.

&&&&&&&&&&&

Prentiss tried to follow Reid into the emergency room. She was stopped by a nurse.

"Sorry Miss, you can't go in. They need to work." She led Prentiss to a seat in the all too familiar waiting room.

"Perhaps you can tell us what happened to your boyfriend."

"He's not my boyfriend." Prentiss snapped, then she checked herself. "Sorry, I mean he's my work colleague, he's also a cancer patient".

Emily began to share every piece of information she knew about Reid and his condition; including that he had been extremely upset the previous day and had been drinking.

The nurse nodded and took down the information. She looked at Emily with sympathy.

"Thank you Miss, we're going to do everything we can to help him. I'm going to call his doctors now."

Emily walked outside, it was daylight now. She took out her cell phone and took a deep breath. She had to call the rest of the team.

&&&&&&&&&&&

Hotch was the first to arrive at the hospital followed by JJ , Morgan and Rossi. Garcia was last to arrive, She went directly to Morgan: she was clutching a small stuffed animal in her hand.

Prentiss was about to explain what liitle she knew about the situation when everyones attention was drawn directly behind her.

"Spencer Reid?" said a deep male voice. Emily turned around and saw the young ER docter standing there with a chart in his hand. Hotch immediately stepped forward.

"Yes, we're here for Spencer Reid." Said Hotch.

The Doctor looked down at his chart."We have the first blood test results in; it seems Mr Reid is suffering from a morphine overdose."

There was an audible gasp from the group.

"What?" Said Prentiss shocked. "How is that possible?"

The doctors voice softened in reponse to the distress in Emily's. "A good amount of Morphine was found in his bloodstream; now I do know that Mr Reid is a cancer patient. I have spoken to his doctors and this wasn't something they had prescribed for him, not at all. In fact there isn't any indication on his body of any injection sites. Do any of you know when or how he might have taken this drug?"

"No, when he came home last night he just seemed tired and a little drunk." Emily answered.

"Is there any possibility he might have taken it during the night without your knowledge?"

Prentiss shook her head. "No, he was beside me all night long; he didn't move."

This fact earned an exchange of looks between the team. Prentiss saw and rolled her eyes.

Rossi spoke to the doctor. "What does it matter, how is he now?"

The doctor was as forthright as possible, "Not good, we have administered the antidote to morphine so to speak. It's a drug called Naloxane; multiple doses may be needed."

"So he's going to be ok. Right? That's going to take care of the overdose," asked Morgan.

The young ER doctor had a hard time meeting the sad worried eyes of the profiler.

"Mr Reid is in a coma sir." answered the doctor.

"What!"

Garcia started to sway a little. It seemed to be more than she could take at the moment. She leaned against Morgan. Hotch's deep scowl was momentarily replaced by a look of shock.

"Will he wake up?" He asked.

"We are hoping he will, Mr Reid was in a very weakened condition to begin with. However, his vital signs are now stable. When and if he wakes up we are going to be transferring him to the psychiatric ward."

"What the hell for?" Rossi snapped.

The doctor stepped back a bit. He cleared his throat before he delivered the next piece of news.

"This amount of morphine in his system, especially in a man his size and in his state of health usually suggests to us that this was not an accident, we believe it was a suicide attempt.; I'm sorry."

The word suicide hit the team like a slap in the face.

The physician waited a bit and let the information sink in. "I'll let you know if there are any changes."

"May we see him?" asked Garcia. JJ walked up and placed a comforting arm around her friend.

"Please, if we could both see him, We promise not to get in anyones way."

"Yes of course, it might even help him to hear your voice; come with me" The two women followed the doctor into the ICU.

Hotch heaved a weary sigh and slowly shook his head.

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" asked Rossi.

"Probably, that if he wakes up in a psych ward it'll kill him for sure."

&&&&&&&&&&&

The woman looked into her rearview mirror; no one was following her. She began to relax a little. She was outside of Virginia now and was heading South, she was going home.

_'He must be gone by now.' _She thought. No one could have survived the amount of morphine she put into that glass of brandy. She smiled; she couldn't believe her luck. She had almost given up. Once he had gotten his locks changed, she couldn't see how she could get at him; she had almost gone home. That was until she saw him pull up in that old car in front of the bar right across from the diner where she was having coffee. It was too good to be true. Her purse was still full of the vials of morphine left over from Carl, his pain meds that he had no use for anymore. This was meant to be; she had felt a heady sense of elation and purpose.

It had been so easy to slip the morphine into the brandy and when he looked at her and she saw the depths of sadness in those eyes she almost felt like she was doing him a favor; she knew he was sick .She was doing the right thing.

The woman turned the radio on and fiddled with the dials until she found the country station she liked. She grinned when an old favourite came on. She began to sing along with Loretta Lynn.

&&&&&&&&&&&

It was still early; Hotch insisted they take an exhausted looking Prentiss out for some coffee. They tried to get her to eat something but she said the coffee was enough. The four profilers sat in silence; finally Prentiss spoke.

"I don't believe it, it doesn't add up."

"Don't believe what?" said Rossi.

"That Reid tried to kill himself."

Hotch stared down at his coffee cup."I don't want to believe it either, but sometimes even the people closest to you can have secrets."

"He was pretty upset yesterday." added Morgan.

"No." She insisted. "You weren't there, sure, he wasn't jumping for joy when I saw him, but he wasn't suicidal. He talked about going to visit his Mom. You know how he feels about his mother. Would he really do that to her?"

"Emily" said Hotch gently. "Remember, he was thinking of ending it a few months ago when his father came to visit."

"Except it was that bastard Gideon's turn to send him over the edge this time." Snarled Morgan.

Hotch frowned, "You can't blame Gideon."

Emily sat back in her chair, closed her eyes and tried to concentrate; there was something not right , she could feel it.

"Reid told me his blood tests were better, he had got some good news." She said.

"Really?" said Hotch. The expression on his face changed.

"What else happened, what else did he say?" Said Rossi leaning toward her.

"Well, he had been drinking, seemed a trifle worried you would be upset with him," She said, gesturing at Hotch.

"Go on."

"Oh, he was kind of upset by the news he had to have some sort of surgery, he didn't go into detail; that's when he said he wanted to see his mother and talk to her."

"Surgery?" Morgan repeated.

"Wait!" Prentiss suddenly sat bolt upright in her seat.

"What is it?" Morgan asked.

She looked around at all of them. "I was in the hallway, I saw Reid get off the elevator when he came home."

Morgan shrugged. "So?"

"He drove to work yesterday, but I know when he takes his car, he takes the stairs because his parking space is right beside the stairwell. It's closer, he doesn't use the elevator."

"Where are you going with this? " asked Hotch, though he had an inkling what Prentiss was thinking.

"Well he obviously left his car wherever he had been drinking, it can't be too far away, and wherever it was he got drunk, he probably took the morphine there too. Maybe somebody there saw what he did or..."

Rossi's eyes widened with understanding. "Or saw what somebody did _to_ him."

Hotch stood up. "Let's get back to the hospital."

&&&&&&&&&&&&

JJ and Garcia stood on either side of Reid's bed. Garcia tucked a small stuffed tiger in the crook of Reid's elbow.

"Here you go Sweetcheeks, it's my good luck charm; Morgan gave him to me after I got out of the Hospital, I even named him Morgan."

JJ stared down at her friend lying motionless on the bed. "Do you really think he tried to kill himself?"

Garcia shook her head. "Absolutely not, it had to be an accident."

JJ reached over and stroked his hair "I don't know, he's so strong, yet he's been through so much in the last couple of years."

Spencer's head rolled to the side and his hand twitched.

"Reid, Spence, wake up, it's JJ, you have to wake up now! " Said JJ excitedly.

Garcia joined her. "C'mon honey, two of your favourite ladies are here see you."

"Henry wants to see his godfather, Spence, please wake up." There was only silence except for the hiss of the medical equipment.

Spencer made no furthur movements. The two women remained silent as well; so much so that the voice of their superior startled them.

"JJ, Garcia, we need both of you right now, Prentiss will explain."

Both JJ and Garcia saw the look on Hotch's face; they didn't need to ask questions.

JJ gave one last look at Spencer and left. Garcia leaned over and kissed his forehead.

"Wake up junior G-man, we need you." She whispered.

&&&&&&&&&&

Hotch was alone in the room with Spencer. He thought about Strauss and her edict.

_'It will just have to wait.' _He thought.

He stared down at his young subordinate; so many thoughts and feelings raced through his mind. Reid was about the same age as his brother Sean, though the two were nothing alike; if anything, Reid's youth and childlike naivete really reminded him more of his son Jack. He smiled when he thought of Jack. Aaron looked around the room he was in; the light blue walls, the sterile smell and the machines that whirred away busily keeping young Dr Reid alive. Hotch thought of his father lying in his hospital bed dying of lung cancer. He closed his eyes tightly in an effort to make this particular painful ghost disappear. Reid was the one who needed his help now. He opened his eyes and saw only the young frail body of Reid. He reached down and took his hand. It was cold; he gently placed it under the blanket. Hotch bent down and spoke into the young agent's ear.

"Reid, if somebody did this to you, we will find them_...I _will find them."

&&&&&&&&&&&

FIN

AN: Thank you for all the wonderful reviews for the last chapter. You really outdid yourselves. Please read and review. Gideon makes another appearance next chapter.


	19. Orders and Obstacles

**Orders and Obstacles**

**I do not own Criminal Minds.**

_The reward of one duty is the power to fill another. _George Eliot.

&&&&&&&&&&&

It was nearly 10 pm, Hotch sat in his office catching up on some paperwork. A matronly form appeared in his doorway; he was surprised to see her.

"Strauss." He tried to keep the displeasure from his voice. She was the last person he needed to see right now.

"SSA Hotchner, may I come in?" She said in her trademark icy tones.

"Yes please, come and sit down."

"I'll stand thank you, this wont take long."

Aaron was puzzled as to why she would come to his office. She generally liked to summon agents to her, like bad kids being called to the principal's office. She enjoyed a home field advantage. Obviously there was something she couldn't wait to share. He waited for her to speak.

"Have you found a replacement for Dr Reid yet?"

_'Ah, here it comes.'_ He thought. "No I haven't. You must have been informed of what happened to agent Reid. He was deliberately drugged; we have been working around the clock to find whoever did this; of course you know that Reid is still in a coma."

Strauss's facial expression did not change. "Yes Agent Hotchner, I have heard. I have also heard that you have run into a brick wall regarding this investigation."

Hotch looked her in the eye. "We have made progress." He stated.

"What would you call progress?"

"Almost immediately we found Reid's car in front of the bar he had been in. The bartender there remembered him quite well. She also remembered a brief interaction between him and a middle aged costumer who we believe is the unsub. In fact we even have security footage of her."

"Ah yes, I heard, grainy black and white footage of a thin woman wearing a baseball cap."

"Yes, that's right " Said Hotch, ignoring Strauss's sarcastic tone. "She sat with him and bought him a drink"

Strauss folded her arms across her chest. "No footage of her actually poisoning the drink. Her face is not even visible"

"That's correct." Hotch could see where this was leading.

"You had agent Jareau send out press release photos of her from the security footage and set up a tip hotline, plus you had tech analyst Garcia spend countless hours with facial recognition software attempting to match what little can be seen of this person, not to mention checking every police department within a 300 mile radius looking for a similar crime."

Hotch stared at this robot of a woman. "What's your point?" His voice matching hers for coldness.

"My point is, this is not a BAU case."

Hotch held in his anger, "Someone tried to murder a federal Agent."

"Did they? In any case the Bureau cannot reconcile the man hours and tax payers dollars spent on this. This case will be handed back to the local police department immediately. I'm sure Agent Jareau will find better uses for your team's talents. There are still serial killers out there. What happened to Dr Reid appears to be a simple random act of a crazy person."

Hotch felt his stomach twisting into knots. He knew in many respects she was right. Still, he had promised Reid he would find whoever did this to him; yet at the same time he also had an obligation as unit chief to carry out his duties.

"Aaron, choose a replacement for Dr Reid or I will, I hear that Jason Gideon has been gracing these halls lately."

With that implied threat left hanging in the air, Strauss left his office.

Hotch thought for a moment that all of the oxygen had been sucked out of the room; it was hard to breathe. He exhaled and stared out into the empty bullpen. Tonight he would let his team rest; tomorrow would be soon enough to tell them they were off the case and that Reid would be replaced.

&&&&&&&&&&

David Rossi knocked on the door of Emily's brownstone. He could hear her unlocking the locks on the other side. She opened the door and peeked around at him. She was wearing a rather worn out robe and pyjamas. She looked alarmed at the sight of Rossi.

"David, what's wrong, is it Reid?" There was an edge of panic in her voice.

He held up his hands, "No, no it's alright, nothing has changed."

She breathed a sigh of relief. "Please come in, you kind of scared me, you don't usually turn up at my door at eleven o'clock at night."

David followed her into her rather quaint living room. Prentiss picked up the glass of wine she had been drinking and sat down on her sofa.

"Can I get you a drink?" She asked.

He sat down opposite her. "No thanks."

"So Dave, what brings you here?"

"You, I was worried about you."

"Me? I'm not the one with cancer or in a coma." she said while taking a sip of wine.

"Emily, you seem to be blaming yourself for what happened to Reid, and you know that's crazy."

She hesitated a moment before answering, as if trying to find the right words.

"I'm just feeling unhappy, this happened on my watch. I was with him; I held him in my arms all night long."

David looked away at this admission. Prentiss saw the look on his face and realized what he must be thinking.

"Oh no no, it wasn't like that. We just fell asleep on the couch together. He was just so sad, I was trying to comfort him. It wasn't just about Gideon, it was something else... I don't know, I just felt it."

"Is there something else going on with you too, Emily? You haven't been to the hospital to see him since he went in."

Her eyes avoided his.

David wanted to tread carefully, "I know this is none of my business, but are you falling in love with Reid?"

She looked at him with wide eyes. "Now that wouldn't be very smart would it?"

Rossi gave a rueful laugh. "Sorry, but I've been married and divorced three times; one thing I am sure of is that love isn't always that smart. In fact sometimes it's downright stupid."

Emily looked down at the floor. "I care about all of the team. My famous _'compartmentalizing'_ skills might be in need of a tune up.

I guess I'm feeling the stress of it all."

Dave let it go, her eyes looked glassy and tired. "I might have misread the situation, I'm sorry."

She looked up at Rossi, "I'll go see him tomorrow."

Dave nodded and stood up. "And I'll leave and let you get to bed."

"Goodnight Rossi, thanks for stopping by." She said as she walked him to the door.

"Goodnight Emily." He took a breath of the cool night air and strode toward his vehicle.

She closed the door and locked up, Emily poured herself another glass of wine. She wondered how many more she would have to drink before she didn't see his pale haunted face looking at her every time she closed her eyes.

&&&&&&&&&&

Morgan walked down the hospital corridor with two cups of coffee in his hands. He always bought two. He hoped one morning he would find Reid alert and awake and asking for coffee. It had been three days since Reid went to sleep and hadn't woken up. He kept asking the doctors when Reid would come back to them. They said they were hopeful, but they really didn't know.

Derek had sat by Reid's side every morning; they all took turns keeping vigil beside their youngest. Garcia would sit and knit and chatter at him while JJ would talk about Henry. Prentiss, who was usually the most unemotional of them all, second to Hotch, was strangely absent.

Three days and they were still no closer to finding the woman who did this to Reid.

Morgan stopped short just outside Spencer's room. He recognized the back of the head of the man who stood beside Reid's bed.

"Son of a bitch." Said Morgan.

Jason Gideon was standing beside an unconcious Reid, holding one of his hands in his and stroking the young agent's hair.

Morgan moved quietly into the room. "Haven't you caused enough trouble?" He hissed.

Gideon glanced briefly at him and sighed.

"Don't worry Derek, I haven't come to hurt him, I just needed to see him."

"How did you know he was here?"

"I called Garcia, I asked her about Reid and she started to cry, and as to your question; I don't want to cause anymore trouble. I really didn't know he was ill. He's like a son to me."

"You have a son, Gideon."

"Derek, you're a good agent and a good, if somewhat overprotective friend to Reid. My being here is upsetting you, so I'll go now."

Gideon gave Reid's hand a gentle squeeze. Morgan nodded and took a good long look at Gideon's face. The man had aged a great deal in the last two years. Derek felt a moment of pity for him. It would seem running away did little to ease painful memories.

Gideon turned to leave the room. "I will be back you know." He said before he walked out the door.

Morgan put down his coffees and watched Spencer. His eyelids flickered and his head began to thrash from side to side as if some inner struggle was taking place inside his brain. Morgan pushed some straggley strands of hair off his forehead and spoke in soothing tones.

"Wake up Reid, it's Morgan, we need you." Reid stopped moving but he did not awaken. A trickle of saliva ran out of his mouth and down one side of his face. Morgan picked up a towel amd wiped it away.

"Hey pretty boy, you're makin a mess." He said softly.

"Now is this a private party or can anybody join?"

Morgan turned to see Garcia standing just inside the door.

"Babygirl." He said with a smile. Derek handed her Reid's coffee.

She went over and placed a gentle kiss on Reid's cheek. "Reid honey, it's me Garcia." She watched his now motionless face.

"Do you think he can hear us Derek?"

He shrugged. "I've heard coma patients can sometimes hear people talking to them, I really don't know."

Garcia stared thoughtfully a few moments. "I'm going to try another tactic." She moved closer to Reid's ear.

"Reid, Morgan and I are both naked and are about to get jiggy with it on the floor."

"Penelope!" Said a shocked Morgan.

"What? It was worth a try."

"Woman, you are crazy." He looked around quickly to see if anyone had heard.

Garcia sighed and sat down on the edge of Reid's bed and held his hand. She noticed how hot he felt and saw the beads of perspiration on his forehead.

"He's awfully warm Derek, and he's sweating."

"The nurse told me he's got an infection that's caused a bit of a fever." Morgan explained. "They're giving him antibiotics through his IV."

Penelope picked up the towel and wiped his forehead, "Why would anyone want to hurt him?"

Morgan couldn't answer.

&&&&&&&&&&&

_Spencer had trouble seeing; the light was so bright he had to squint to see. He could hear the cries of seagulls and the crashing of waves. He realized he was at a beach, he was lying down; Spencer felt the coarse sand beneath his back and the warm salt water lapping at his ankles. He frowned, usually he was no_t _a fan of the beach. Reid glanced down at his body and was relieved to see to he was wearing a bathing suit._

_Then he saw her, she came running out of the surf; her body glistening with droplets of water. She gave him a big smile and knelt down beside him. Her body blocked out some of the light, he could now see a little better, he could also see that she was half naked., he tried not to laugh, not that she wasn't beautiful, because she certainly was, but because only she would think it was alright to go topless at a non topless beach. She bent over and brushed her lips against his. Her mouth was warm and her lips tasted sweet and salty at the same time._

_"Love me?" She asked._

_"Always." He answered._

_She held out her hand. "C'mon, it's time to go."_

_She frowned at him. "Spencer you can't stay here, the tides coming in."_

_Spencer closed his eyes, he could feel the warm water up around his calves ."No." he said with a certain calmness._

_She flipped her long dark hair back over her tanned shoulders._

_"I don't think you really love me." She pouted._

_He turned his head and looked at her. He had been telling the truth. He really did love her. She could be difficult and unpredictable at times and sometimes he was even a little afraid of her, but he did love her._

_"I have to stay here, it's so peaceful." He told her._

_Her fingers did a light dance over his chest. She bent down and kissed his stomach._

_"Come with me I'll make you happy." She purred._

_"Uh uh," The water was swirling near his hips now. _

_"You can't be seduced today?"_

_"Nope."_

_"What about them?" She pointed to the far end of the beach. Reid lifted his head and looked; he saw his entire team. They were waving at him and he could just barely hear them calling out his name. They looked kind of funny, as they were all wearing swimsuits except for Hotch who still wore his suit and tie while sitting in the sand._

_"I'll miss them," He said, suddenly feeling very sad. He turned away._

_The woman sighed. "I love you Spencer, so does your mom, just look at the poor woman."_

_"What?" Reid turned his head to the side. In the sand buried up to her waist was his mother. She didn't seem to notice him; she was struggling furiously to free herself, finally she gave up and hung her head. Reid saw his father sitting only a few feet away from her. He was staring out at the surf eating a banana._

_"Mom, I'll help you," He called. He tried to lift his arms but now they seemed as heavy as wet bags of sand. Tears sprung to his eyes._

_"You know you can't help her don't you?" _

_It was the voice of Gideon. He was standing a foot away from Reid's head._

_"Gideon." Reid cried. "Help me, help her!"_

_"Yes of course, but first let me watch the sunset, it's beauty makes me weep." Gideon stepped over Spencer and sat down beside William Reid._

_Reid gave a exasperated sigh. "See, I can't help anybody."_

_He felt the woman's warm breath against his ear "What about him." She said. She sat up and nodded toward the ocean. Reid looked and saw Henry bouncing on the waves like a little human beachball. The waves would bring him laughing and giggling toward the shore and then pull him back out again._

_"He can't be here, it's dangerous!" He heard JJ screaming her son's name._

_"She wont make it in time, where's Will?" _

_"Will's afraid of water." Said the woman simply. "JJ needs you more than both of you know."_

_"I have to get up now." He said, now panicked._

_"Then do it." She said._

Spencer woke up.

&&&&&&&&&&&

She gave the marble stone one last pat . The sun was setting and the last bits of light were fading away. Soon it would be dark, the crickets had already begun their nightly chorus.

"I'll be back tomorrow darlin'." She said sweetly.

She thought with satifaction of the young man probably lying cold on a slab right now, courtesy of her and Carl's medicine. She stared down at the gravestone."

"I wish you could have known Carl. I lost him about ten months ago, you would've liked him. I guess that's my fault that you didn't ever meet." She walked out of the graveyard feeling she had got her vengence; it would be a long time before she discovered otherwise.

Fin.

AN: Please read and review. Poor Spencer, awake from his coma but still so much ahead for him.

Once again I must thank you for all your reviews and your patience.


	20. Alive and Well

**Alive and Well**

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds. Wish I did.

"_You have to kick at the darkness 'til it bleeds daylight" _ Bruce Cockburn.

&&&&&&&&&&

"He's waking up!" Cried an excited Garcia.

It was a rainy Saturday afternoon; by sheer co-incidence, half the members of the BAU decided to visit their youngest profiler. At Garcia's cry Hotch, Rossi and Prentiss moved closer to the bed. Garcia was correct, he was waking up. His puffy eyes opened to slits. He appeared to be peering blindly around the room as if trying to focus on something.

"Reid sweetie, it's us, wake up," Garcia reached over and stroked his face. "C'mon Hon."

Reid tried to open his eyes a little wider. It was difficult to see. His eyes felt gritty and sticky and everything was a blur. He recognized Garcia's voice and the deeper voices of Hotch and Rossi. He felt confused and a little bit scared. He didn't know where he was or how he got there. Was he dying? He attempted to lift his head but a knife-like pain shot through his skull stopping him. He let out a loud groan.

"Relax Reid, it's ok, don't move." Said Hotch in soothing tones.

Reid tried to focus on the blur of a man at his bedside.

"Hotch." He croaked. "Where am I?"

"You're in a hospital," Answered Rossi gently.

"Is my Mom here?" He asked.

The team smiled at each other.

"No no sweetie." Said Garcia. He felt a pair of soft lips press against his forehead. "I'm so happy to see those gorgeous eyes again. I'm going to get the nurse and then I'm going to call Morgan and JJ." Garcia practically danced out of the room.

Reid stared at the blurry figure of Hotch beside his bed.

"You didn't get any sand on your suit," He mumbled.

Hotch and Rossi exchanged puzzled looks.

"He seems to be a little out of it," Whispered Rossi. Hotch nodded.

Spencer could smell a light perfume, he turned his head to the side and gasped. Standing on the other side of the bed was _her_. His heart sped up. He could see the outline of her long dark hair. He reached out and cupped one hand over her hip.

"How did you get here? You're dressed," He said to her.

"Reid, it's me Emily." She said. She removed his hand from her hip and held it in her own. She felt her face turning slightly pink with embarassment.

Spencer felt confused. It was Emily, not her. He closed his eyes.

"Did someone get Henry?" He said.

Rossi huffed a laugh. "Sounds like it was an interesting place wherever he was."

"Gideon just wanted to watch the sunset." Reid murmured.

"Don't you close close your eyes again young man." Boomed a strong female voice. A middle-aged sturdy looking nurse entered the room with a young orderly in tow. "I'm Nurse Caldwell, this is Peter."

Spencer opened his eyes again, his vision was becoming less fuzzy now. The nurse had Peter raise the head off the bed 'til Reid was in more of a sitting position.

"Well m'dear, let's have a look at you." She took her stephoscope from around her neck and listened to his chest. "Heart sounds good. How do you feel love?" she asked him.

"Thirsty."

"Ok, I'll get you a bit of water. Are you hungry?"

Reid didn't have to think about it, much to his surprise. He was hungry; something he hadn't felt in a long time.

"Yes, very."

The nurse smiled at him. "Good. We'll start you off with some nice clear soup. First I want the doctor to have a good look at you,ok?"

Reid nodded. His vision was becoming clearer; he saw Garcia come bouncing back into the room.

"I called Morgan and JJ, they'll be here soon," She said excitly. She beamed at Reid. "Welcome back sweetcheeks"

Reid frowned at the group. "Where was I?"

"You've been in a coma the last four days," Hotch told him.

"Did my cancer get worse? I can't seem to remember anything."

If Reid hadn't been so disoriented and groggy he might have noticed the sharp look the nurse shot Hotch.

"There will be time for questions later young man. You need to be checked out before we can unhook you from all this paraphanalia"

Reid suddenly became aware of all the equipment he was hooked up to, including his old friend the catheter. Nurse Caldwell turned to the profilers.

"C'mon everyone, outside. Spencer, Peter here is going to change your gown for you." She began to round up the BAU into the hall.

"Wait!" said Reid sounding alarmed. "Are you going to come back?"

"Wild horses couldn't stop us." Rossi assured him.

Reid frowned, "How could wild horses make you do anything?"

"Spencer, your friends will be back." The nurse chided. She began to corral them out into the hall.

The nurse waited until the team was a good distance away from Reid's room before she spoke. Her voice took on a more serious tone.

"Look everyone, I know you have to tell him what happened to him and ask questions, but you'll have to wait until a doctor checks him out. He's still a cancer patient and in a very weak and fragile state. He needs rest and doesn't need to hear upsetting news the moment he wakes up."

Hotch raised his hands in front of him. "I assure you we are here now as friends. The police department has taken over the case. Dr Reid doesn't have family here. We only want to help and support him."

Nurse Caldwell, an excellent judge of character believed him, "Very well then. I'll tell him you'll be back in a couple of hours."

"Thank you," He watched the nurse march back to Spencer's room.

The profiler's walked toward the elevators where they were met by an out of breath Derek Morgan.

"Elevator took too long so I took the stairs " He puffed. "Hey, how's our boy?"

"Awake and saying things that don't make any sense to us." Said Rossi.

"So nothings changed huh?" Grinned Morgan.

"The nurse wants him checked out before we can ask him any questions. She's right, we can tell him about the unsub later." The unit chief told him.

"What else are you going to tell him?" Asked Prentiss.

Hotch closed his eyes and sighed. "You're talking about having to replace him."

The team fell silent. Yesterday Hotch had called the team in for a meeting. He told them everything Strauss had ordered, in fact Hotch had already decided who Reid's replacement would be. They were upset, but not surprised. They felt it was only a matter of time before Strauss's axe would fall on Reid's slender neck.

"No, I think that bit of news can wait a bit longer." They all nodded in agreement.

Morgan looked at the team, "How about something to eat?"

"How about a drink or two?" Said Rossi.

"Or a drink or three." Added Prentiss.

The elevator doors opened and out stepped a surprised JJ. Morgan smiled at her "Hop back in JJ, we'll explain everything."

&&&&&&&&&&&

Reid managed to feed himself the last bit of soup in his bowl. He couldn't believe he was actually hungry and something tasted good. Prior to having his soup, he had spent the last two hours being poked and prodded by doctor and nurse alike. He had been sponge bathed, had blood drawn and endured a rather painful and cringeworthy removal of a catheter, plus promises of xrays and a cat scan awaited him in the near future.

Still, the doctor regarded him with a rather pleased look on his face.

"You're doing well Spencer, I see no reason for you not to go home in a few days or before even, you'll be back in the care of your oncologist Dr Bledsoe."

Reid nodded at the doctor. He felt relieved, yet he was still mystified as to why he was here, and how . He felt like hell, and his memories were slowly sifting their way back through his brain, but the memories were incomplete: they were like a jigsaw puzzle he was trying to put together wthout knowing what the picture was first. He remembered having a doctor's appointment and hearing he had to have surgery. He recalled a fight with Gideon and all the terrible things he had said to him. He winced at the memory. He also vaguely remembered being at a bar drinking

and being in his apartment with Prentiss. She had held him in her arms. That memory confused him. Reid looked up at the man reading his chart.

"Doctor, what happened to me?" He said softly.

The young Doctor looked into the shining hazel eyes of this young man and felt he deserved to know the truth.

"Spencer, you almost died of a morphine overdose."

"What!" Reid felt the blood draining from his all the things the doctor could have said to him, this was the last and worst thing he expected to hear. He fell back against his pillows, his face white. He stared at the doctor and nurse with disbelief.

"I took an overdose of morphine?" He whispered. He felt sick and lightheaded.

The nurse glared at the physician for his lack of tact.

"No no," The doctor hurried to explain. "You were a victim of a crime. It seems somebody had slipped a large amount of morphine into a drink you had. The police and your team have been investigating it since you were brought in."

"Ms Prentiss brought you here in an ambulance, she probably saved your life." Supplied nurse Caldwell.

Reid began to tremble uncontrollably and the room began to spin.

"Someone drugged me against my will," He uttered in a barely audible voice

The nurse went to his side. He looked up at her as she touched him, but it was as if it wasn't her he was seeing.

"Against my will." He repeated.

_He saw himself sitting in a small dark cabin cuffed to a chair, the sickening stench of fish livers and hearts burning his nostrils._

Reid began to hyperventilate.

"Please Mr Reid, try to calm down!" She motioned for the orderly to help her. The doctor, shocked at the reaction quickly stepped out into the hall and called another nurse.

"Sedate him," he ordered. A young nurse rushed in, a syringe in her hand.

Peter the orderly tried to hold Reid still. He grabbed onto his arm; Spencer stared at him.

_Tobias Hankel held on tight to Reid's arm as he aimed his syringe. "Please please, I don't want it, I don't want it!" _

Reid shrieked as he felt the sting of the needle in his arm. He tried to push them away, but he was too weak and the tranquilizer was quickly taking effect.

They lowered the head of the bed as he began to calm down. Tears fell from his eyes as he felt the humiliating warmth and wetness of urine as he lost control of his bladder. His last shred of dignity gone; he gave into his pain and began to quietly sob.

The nurse laid a comforting hand on his shoulder and tried to sooth him. She noticed the spreading stain on his sheets and gown.

"Shh, it's alright Spencer, don't worry, Pete and I will clean you up; we see this all the time"

The doctor stared incredulously at him. "He's an FBI agent, I didn't expect this sort of response."

"He's a human being too." Snapped nurse Caldwell.

Spencer knew the neither one of them understood the source of his despair. The fact that somene had attempted to murder him hadn't even fully registered with him yet. For two years he had been clean, he hadn't given in to the dilaudid. Now it was all a waste, two years erased at the insane whim of a stranger. He felt violated; someone had put something into his body against his will. It didn't matter how much he fought, his efforts had been worthless. All he was sure of was that someone at any time could easily undo everything he had worked for and there was nothing he could do about it.

&&&&&&&&&&

The team stepped off the elevator onto Reid's floor. They had dinner together and the comeraderie plus the fact that Reid was now awake put the entire team into much better spirits. The smiles faded from their faces as they saw the approach of the small sturdy nurse who had been looking after Reid. The profilers knew immediately that something was wrong. She stopped in front of them, physically blocking their path. There was a grim set to her features that could have given Hotch's scowl a run for it's money.

"Everything alright?" asked Rossi.

She hesitated a moment. "Yes and no." She said.

"What happened?" Said Hotch. Concern was now coloring everyone's face.

"In one way he's good. The morphine is completely out of his system, but.." She sighed heavily. "The doctor told him what happened; the murder attempt. He didn't take it well, we had to sedate him."

The team cast nervous glances at one another.

"Oh my poor baby!" said Garcia.

"What did he do?" Morgan asked.

"I don't believe he'd want me to tell you. I think it might be better if he didn't have visitors tonight, he needs rest."

Hotch didn't like what he was hearing but complied. "Of course, we'll come back tomorrow."

The nurse thanked him for his understanding and walked back to her station.

&&&&&&&&&&

The elevator doors opened and the profilers stepped in, all except for Emily.

"You coming?" Asked Hotch.

"Um, you go ahead, I just want to speak to the nurse for a bit"

Hotch didn't ask anything else. "Ok, see you tomorrow." The doors closed and Emily walked back to the nurse's station.

Nurse Caldwell looked up surprised, "Yes"

"I'm sorry, I know what you just said but would it be alright if I saw him just for a minute. I wont upset him, I promise."

The nurse looked up into Emily's soft dark eyes. _'This is the one who saved him.' _She thought.

"Yes, go ahead just for a little while."

"Thank you," Emily tried to be as quiet as possible when she entered Reid's room. She saw him curled up on his side, one arm tucked under his pillow much the way she had seen him sleep many times on the plane. She pulled a chair up to the bed and sat down.

His eyes flickered open.

"Emily," He whispered.

"Hi." She whispered back. "Just go back to sleep Reid"

"I remember you at my apartment now. You saved my life, thank you."

She smiled at him. "You're welcome."

"Will you stay for a little while, 'til I go to sleep?"

"Of course."

He closed his eyes.

Emily had this unexpected urge to climb into the bed and hold him again. She shook herself, and instead began to to gently stroke his arm with her fingertips until she saw his body relax and he was taking slow even breaths.

&&&&&&&&&&&

2 days later.

Reid sat up in his hospital bed; he was surrounded by two local police detectives and Hotch and Rossi. His head ached, a small DVD player lay in his lap and once again he watched grainy black and white footage of himself sitting in that bar and the unsub bringing him a drink. He felt ashamed of his behavior that night but to sit and watch it again and again was something akin to torture. He picked up the still photo Garcia had enhanced from the security footage and studied it.

"Do you recognize anything at all agent Reid?" Asked the detective.

Reid shook his head. "No, I'm sorry. Except for the one time she really looked at me. I thought her eyes looked familiar; they were so blue and sad looking."

"We checked all the employees at all of the clinics you attend and the other patients as well. None of them resemble this perp."

"You were thinking this might be an angel of mercy killer?" Asked Rossi.

"Something like that." The detective replied.

Reid closed his eyes. He knew everyone at the clinics plus he even recalled the faces of the various patients there, none of them fit the bill. He tried to profile this unsub, there was just so little to go on, since he was the only victim, at least that they knew of. One by one he let his mind conjure the faces of every member of every beltway clean cop meeting he ever attended, most of them were men and none of the women bore even the slightest resemblence to this woman who tried to kill him. His head really throbbed now; he slumped back against his pillows.

"Maybe when I get back to work I can go through my case files." He said wearily.

Hotch and Rossi exchanged looks.

The older detective turned off the DVD player. All four men could see Spencer was getting tired.

"Agent Reid, we're going to keep looking; though this does seem like some strange random attack."

"You really think so?" Questioned Rossi. He couldn't help thinking about Prentiss talking about a possible prowler and that night outside Reid's apartment when he felt they were being watched.

"Yes I do. Agent Reid was attacked in a place he never frequents at a time of day when either he's at work or at home." He turned to speak directly to Reid. "I hear you're going home tomorrow. I doubt you're in any danger, but we want you to take precautions, be alert and make sure you know who you're opening your door to."

"Thank you detective."said Hotch.

The two policemen left the room, nearly bumping into Derek Morgan. He was carrying two takeout coffees and and had a bag slung over his shoulder.

"Hey my man, I brought you something." He said to Reid.

Spencers eyes lit up when he saw the coffee, and reached over eagerly.

"Wait!" Scolded Morgan. holding the cup out of his reach. "Garcia sent you this." He pulled a cookie tin out of the bag he was carrying.

"Babygirl made these special for you." He set the brightly coloured tin on the bed.

Reid was touched. "Tell her thank you".

Morgan smiled and handed him his coffee.

Hotch hated what he had to do next, but he couldn't put it off any longer. He watched Reid holding the cookie tin and happily sipping his coffee.

"Reid, there's something I need to tell you."

Rossi looked at him and mouthed '_no'_. Morgan's eyes seemed to plead with him to wait just a little longer.

"What is it?" Reid asked. He peered over his cup at them. The silent communication between the three agents did not go unnoticed.

&&&&&&&&&&

All thing considered, Reid took the news pretty well. Hotch explained it in the gentlest manner possible. He tried to reaasure him that it was only a temporary situation, as soon as he was considered fit for duty by the bureau's doctors, he could return to work and his replacement would be resituated.

Reid just sat very still as he listened. The three older men felt like they were holding their breath as they waited for his reaction. Spencer wanted to tell them he no longer had the energy to make a scene even if he wanted to. He knew all this had come from Strauss. He stared out the window as if he was entranced by the view of the parking lot. Finally he turned and looked at them.

"I understand, it's only logical." He said with a tight smile.

Hotch's worried scowl did not leave his face. "Reid, you will come back. Just work on getting well."

Spencer nodded quickly and went back to staring out the window. He was starting to feel emotional and he cursed himself for it.

"Maybe you could pick up an extra PHD or two." Joked Rossi.

Reid smiled.

A small buzzing sound was heard. Hotch reached into his pocket and pulled out his cell.

"It's JJ, she said she wouldn't call unless there was an urgent case, we've got to go,"

Morgan bent over and looked into the younger man's eyes.

"Take care of yourself kid, someday this will all be a memory. I'm going to be calling every day." Morgan spied the tin of cookies on Reid's lap.

"And eat those damn cookies or you'll have to answer to Penelope."

"Don't scare him Morgan." Said Rossi.

Reid nodded and said goodbye to the three profilers. He tried not to make his mind go there, but he couldn't help wondering if his days of rushing out on a case were coming to a close. He pushed the cookie tin away. He couldn't know what the future held but he knew what he had to do now.

&&&&&&&&&&&

The jet was unusually quiet on their trip back from Fort Worth. The BAU had only been gone three days yet they were all exhausted. Fortunately the case had come to a satisfying close. The kidnapper had been caught and the abductee had been found terrified but alive and physically unharmed. Of course this had come at the price of hardly anyone getting any sleep for nearly three days. Hotch told the team to forget about writing any reports tonight, "Just go home and rest." He ordered.

Rossi had snagged the couch as soon as he entered the jet. "Age before beauty." He said to Morgan, who also had thoughts of grabbing a nap in a prone position. Morgan grumbled a complaint and settled down in a seat across from Prentiss. Emily studied the restless movements of Morgan. She knew it was more than losing a good sleeping spot that had him so on edge.

"You're worried about Reid aren't you?" She said.

"Yes I am." He answered honestly.

"But didn't you speak to him today, and hasn't Garcia been going there every night to sit with him?"

"Yeah, it's just been too quiet. I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. You should have seen him at the hospital, he was too damn calm."

Prentiss thought for a moment. "Ok, when the jet lands, lets go over to his place and see for ourselves how he's doing."

"You want to go there too?" asked Morgan, a little surprised.

"Sure, backup is always good." She sat back in her seat and pretended to read. Truth be told, she was just as worried as Morgan.

&&&&&&&&&&&

Prentiss and Morgan stood outside the door to Reid's apartment, they had rung the buzzer several times and there was no answer.

Morgan placed his hand against the door. "Do you think I should kick it in?" He said.

"No, I think we should unlock it." Said Prentiss, producing a key from her purse.

"Oh!" said Morgan. "I forgot."

The two friends entered the quiet apartment. To Morgan it was all too eerily familiar, except this time the apartment practically sparkled and not a thing was out of place.

"Sure is clean in here." Remarked Prentiss.

"Rossi's maid service still comes here." Explained Morgan.

"Reid, are you here?" Morgan called. The silence gave them chills. They walked into the bedroom.

"What's this?" Said Prentiss as she walked over to the bed. On top of the mattress Reid had an outfit laid out, beside the bed a pair of pants, jacket and tie hung perfectly pressed on a clothing valet. "What's going on?" She said more to herself than to Morgan.

Morgan didn't hear her anyway, he saw the light under the bathroom door and was filled with a sense of dread.

"He's in there. Reid are you ok?"

There was silence. Morgan slowly opened the door. There in front of them Reid lay in a tub of water nearly up to his neck. His eyes were closed and his head was back. His long thin arms lay stretched out on either side of the tub. He was as still and silent as death. His sharply angled features were made to look even more so by the way his wet hair was slicked back over his skull.

Morgan suddenly dashed forward and grabbed Spencer by the shoulders and screamed. "REID!"

That was nothing compared to the terrified yowl that Reid let out. Water splashed everywhere as his left arm flailed out and hit Morgan across the face. Morgan in turn cried out in surprise knocking into an equally surprised Prentiss, causing her to stumble backwards over a pair of Reid's slippers and land flat on her backside.

Spencer stared wildly at his two friends. "What the hell are you doing?!" He demanded

"Holy crap Reid, you scared us." Said Morgan as he picked himself up and sat down on the closed toilet seat lid.

"You're scared? Oh damn, my ipod fell in the tub." He pulled the plugs out of his ears and searched around in the foamy water.

Prentiss still sat on the floor. "Reid, Morgan and I were worried about you so we thought we'd come over and..."

"What? Come over and pounce on me in the tub?" He finished for her.

"We didn't know you were in the tub man, geez!"

"We were just concerned, we saw the clothes laid out on the bed, what are you doing anyway?" Prentiss asked him.

"Well, I was having a bath and listening to music."

Morgan shook his head. "Sorry kid, we thought..."

Spencer gaped at them, suddenly understanding. "You thought I was trying to kill myself didn't you?"

Morgan and Prentiss didn't look at him. They both stood up "Sorry sorry, finish your bath." Morgan said, feeling slightly sheepish.

Spencer pulled his knees up to his chest. He was suddenly aware he was sitting in a tub naked in front of his friends and the bath foam was beginning to disapate.

"Ah, I'm going to get out now, so if you don't mind." He nodded towards the door.

Morgan held out his hand. "Need help getting out?"

"Go." Reid ordered.

&&&&&&&&&&

Morgan put on a pot of coffee and ten minutes later Reid emerged from the bathroom. He wore a pair of sweatpants, his hair dripped with water, he held a t-shirt in one hand and held a large towel against his chest with the other. He was wearing a rather lost expression on his face. Morgan frowned at him.

"Something wrong?" He asked.

"I feel like an idiot, I can't get my back dry." Morgan went over and took the oversized towel from him.

"Here, sit down. It's because your hair is dripping wet." He threw the towel over Reid's head and began to furiously towel dry his hair. Prentiss walked in the room carrying the coffees. She stared at Morgan's attack on Reid's head while Spencer sat there helplessly with his arms folded across his chest.

"He can't dry his back." Morgan explained.

"Don't do it like that, you're too rough." She put the coffees down and began to gently pat his back with the other end of the towel.

"Reid, you still have these bedsores, do you have any ointment?" Prentiss asked.

"Bedsores, that's nasty, maybe some baby powder will help." Suggested Morgan.

"Yeah, that would be good."

"Guys guys enough! Thank you." He grabbed the towel from them and pulled on his t-shirt. He fell back into his arm chair as if exhausted by the attention.

"Really, thank you, I'm dry. I think we need to talk." He looked at them with a serious expression.

"Sure kid," Morgan handed him a coffee and he and Prentiss sat down side by side on the couch.

Reid sipped his coffee and then spoke.

"First of all, thank you for caring, even if it did nearly give me a heart attack."

They both smiled.

"The reason for the clothes being laid out is, I'm going to Vegas to see my mom."

Morgan let out an audible sigh of relief, "Hey man, that's great."

Reid shrugged, "Maybe. I'm going there to tell her about my illness. I owe her honesty; if something happens to me, I don't want it to come as a total surprise."

"Reid, nothing is going to happen to you," Morgan said.

Reid gave a rueful smile, "I hope you're right, but after what just happened to me, I just don't know. There's something else too."

The two friends felt a chill go down their spines. "What is it?" Prentiss asked.

"I have a small surgery scheduled for when I get back. I'm having a large lump removed that's not responding to chemo. I'll get it biopsied. Now it could be nothing or it could be a secondary cancer." He put his hands up to stop them from speaking.

"It's ok, after that, it's another chemo. You can see why it's important I talk to my mom now."

Spencer regarded the sorrowful looks on his friends faces. He hated that he was the cause of it. He wanted to break the awkward silence that filled the room.

"Soo... anybody wanna watch Star Trek with me?"

Both Morgan and Prentiss couldn't help but smile.

"More than anything." Prentiss said.

"Not without snacks," Said Morgan. "Hey, where are those cookies Garcia made?"

FIN

&&&&&&&&&&&

AN: I didn't mean for it to be so long between updates, Where did the time go? I hope nobody has lost interest. This is rather a longish chapter.

Next chapter is a trip to Vegas to see Diana. Reid gets unexpected company.

Please read and review. I always appreciate your imput and opinions.

"

"


	21. Real and Pretend

**Real and Pretend**

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds.

_All that we see or seem, is but a dream within a dream _~ Edgar Allan Poe.

&&&&&&&&&&&

_It was happening again. Spencer was alone in his apartment, sipping a cup of strong sweet coffee when he heard the noise in the other room. He wasn't frightened, he knew who it was._

_"Mom?" he called. There was no answer, there never was. He walked down the darkened hallway toward his bedoom where she always was. _

_"Mom please, it's me Spencer, I know you're there." He waited patiently, she would come out, she always did. _

_"Spencer," she said. Her voice soft and melodic. _

_She walked out of his bedroom wearing one of her nicer suits, the kind she used to wear when she was still teaching. She held out her arms to him. He went to her and she wrapped him in her warm embrace._

_"I have such good news Spencer, I'm well, I'm not sick anymore." he looked into his mother's face. She looked so happy, he could see it in her eyes. Her beautiful blue, lucid looking eyes._

_"Isn't this wonderful, I'm well. I can leave Bennington, we can be a family again."_

_He felt sick, "Mom this is a dream, it's not real."_

_"Nonsense Spencer, believe me, I'm well, ask her," she said, pointing to the shadowy figure just beyond the doorway. The figure raised it's hand and waved. _

_"I wait," it said. _

_Tears began to run down his face; he pushed his mother away. He couldn't bear this, he wanted to wake up._

_"No no no! You will never get better and neither will I, " he cried, beginning to choke on his own sobs. He could hear a bell ringing. It wouldn't stop. He put his hands up to his ears and almost screamed, but instead he woke up. The telephone was ringing._

He grabbed the hotel phone. "Reid here," he said out of habit_._

The voice on the other end cheerfully reminded him that this was the wake up call he'd requested. Reid thanked her and fell back onto his bed and groaned. He didn't know what was worse, the dream he had or the reality of visiting his mother today to tell her he had cancer. It didn't matter. The dream he was almost used to. He had been having variations of it ever since his father left. It used to make him happy, now it was just a cruel leftover from childhood. A little boy's wish for his mother to magically not be ill any more. He pitied the child he once was.

Finally he roused himself to make a pot of coffee. He looked out of his 16th story window over the Las Vegas strip. This was not where he usually stayed, but he won a little money last night and treated himself to a nice suite. It was a little out of character for him, but anytime he did something, there was always this voice in the back of his brain reminding him that this could be the last time. The last time to gamble, the last time to stay in a hotel, and the last time he might see his mother. He shook these thoughts away as he felt he was becoming maudlin and dreary. it was a wonder anyone could stand to be around him anymore.

He looked at the clock; it was still early. He stripped off his clothes and went into the bathroom to shower, much to his dismay the walls were full length mirrors. He stood stock still as he could see his body from every angle. He almost felt like throwing up. He had no fat whatsoever. He was pale and boney and his hair hung limp around his face. He gave a shudder as he turned on the water and stepped into the shower. He scrubbed himself furiously as if he could somehow erase the image of himself in his brain that way. When he finished, he was careful not to look at his reflection, instead wrapping himself up in two large towels. He then dared to look in the mirror again. The shadows under his eyes were deepened by illness. His complexion was geisha-like. He knew his biggest obstacle was that he looked like a sick person, hell he barely looked like a live person.

'_I'll scare my mother to death showing up like this,' _he thought_._

There wasn't much he could do. He dressed in layers and attempted to hide his skinniness, however his gaunt face and extremely thin hair were impossible to hide. He started to have second thoughts about seeing her at all, but he had already spoken to Dr Norman and explained the situation. Dr Norman listened with a kind ear and thought it was best if Diana heard the truth rather than possibly be shocked later on. He wished Spencer well and said if there was any way he could offer his support, all Reid would have to do is ask.

Reid didn't ask. He showed up at Bennington more nervous than he had been in a long time. He saw his mother in the common room. She sat at her usual place, notebook in hand and staring mournfully out the window. The room was mostly empty. A couple of other patients sat in armchairs staring at a tv set that was not turned on. An elderly woman grabbed hold of Reid's sweater as he walked by.

"Was it your father who died?" she asked, before Reid could respond she let go and chuckled to herself.

Spencer hurried away and sat down in the chair across from his mother and leaned into her line of vision.

"Hi Mom," he said, his voice barely audible.

Diana looked up, the surprise evident on her face. "Spencer, what are you doing here?"

He swallowed hard. "I've come to see you Mom," Reid could feel his throat drying up, he was so nervous.

Diana leaned back in her chair and stared thoughtfully at her son. "What's wrong Spencer?" her brow creased with concern.

Reid hesitated; his mother knew him too well. It didn't matter if months between visits had gone by. The minute she saw him she would immediately zero in on any information she felt he might be withholding.

She didn't wait for him to answer, instead she reached out and tucked a wayward strand of hair behind his ear.

"You are far too skinny, and what is wrong with your hair? It usually looks so nice, now it's so thin," she looked at him with a puzzled expression.

Reid leaned forward and took her hand. He didn't know how to proceed. He wanted to be gentle

"Mom, a while back, I wasn't feeling the best, I had some unusual lumps on my body and I decided to see a doctor about them," Spencer watched her face. She was still unreadable, her expression hadn't changed. He took a deep breath and continued.

"I had a lot of tests done, bloodwork, a biospy, a MRI and the diagnosis was that I had a type of cancer, a lymphoma...." He suddenly stopped, for his mother had shoved his hands away from her. He looked at her wide eyed.

"Mom?"

"Stop it, stop saying those things. You're making up lies to hurt me, you're angry your father left. You blame me."

Spencer took her hands again. "No mom, I'm telling the truth, but I've been getting treatment, radiation and chemotherapy. I want to get well."

Diana slapped his hands away. She was angry, her lips were drawn in a thin hard line.

"Really Spencer, such an intelligent young man saying these ridiculous things. You are not sick!"

Reid could see that his mother was becoming agitated, but he needed to continue. He chose his words carefully.

"Mom, I am fighting this. I'm trying very hard. I needed to tell you because..."

"Shut up! Shut up William, your brother Daniel is sick. You leave Spencer out of this, don't you dare try to hurt our baby. Stop these lies," her hands began to pluck nervously at her clothes. She couldn't sit still. She continued to sputter out reproachments.

"My baby is beautiful and healthy; there is nothing wrong with him, he's perfect. Don't tell me he's sick like Danny. You're being cruel William."

"Mom it's me Spencer, I'm still here, please, I know this is hard to hear."

"Spencer is fine, there's nothing wrong with him, you just want to take him away from me," she looked wildly around the room in a panic.

Reid gave up. He hung his head, this was pointless. "Oh Mom, I'm so sorry."

Diana began to rock back and forth in her seat. Nurses slowly made their way to her side. Reid looked at his mother's face. She was looking at him without recognition. Reid felt a hand on his shoulder. It was Dr Norman.

"I'm sorry Dr Reid, I guess the information was too much for her to handle. You are the light of her life, her reason for being."

This did not make him feel any better. He watched the nurses lead Diana back to her room. She went with them and didn't look back.

"Dr Norman, I'm the one who's sorry, I made everything worse," Spencer looked into Dr Norman's kind eyes. The doctor held out his hand.

"Like I said before Spencer, if there's anything I can do."

Reid smiled weakly at him. "I wish there was. I might come back tomorrow, if it's alright?" Reid feared he may have worn out his welcome by upsetting patients to the point of hysteria.

"I look forward to seeing you."

The two men shook hands and Reid left the sanitarium. The tears he had been holding in began to roll down his cheeks. He quickly got into his rental car and collapsed against the steering wheel. He took some deep breaths; he wasn't going to cry, he was tired of crying. At that very moment he was tired of everything. He started the car and drove back to the hotel.

&&&&&&&&&&

"I'm done," Reid said as he gathered up his chips from the blackjack table. The man seated next to him looked at him as if he were insane.

"Are you crazy man? You're on a hot streak," he exclaimed.

Reid shrugged his indifference. "I always stop at three grand," he said.

"Buddy, at least stick around and bring me some luck."

Reid smirked. "I don't believe in luck, not ever," he picked up his second brandy of the night and drained the glass. He then sauntered over to the nearest bar and ordered another. Within seconds a buxum blond in a tight dress who had been observing his winning streak slid into the seat beside him. The bartender put his drink in front of him. Spencer picked up the glass and took a long swallow. He enjoyed the burning feeling it made going down his throat.

He was aware of the young woman beside him. He had noticed her standing to his left as he played blackjack. The amount of brandy he had consumed made him a little bolder than he would normally be. He turned in his seat and looked her directly in the eye.

She gave him a sultry smile. "Bye me a drink?" she asked.

Reid rested his chin in his hand and let his brain automaticallly profile. She appeared to be a woman between 20 or 25 years of age. Her face was overdone with makeup, probably in an effort to appear older. She was most likely a prostitute. She wore a skin tight dress with a plunging neckline that displayed a pair of gravity defying breasts.

"Uh sure," he signaled the bartender.

"Rye and coke," she ordered.

Reid felt like he was a hundred years old. Still this was a distraction. The bartender set the rye and coke in front of her.

"In town for long?" she said, sipping her drink.

"No," he continued to stare at her through a brandy soaked haze. He studied her face, she was kind of pretty.

"Would you like some company?" she asked.

"Company?" he repeated.

She raised her eyebrows. "Yes, company in your room, we could have some fun."

"You want me to pay you for sex," Reid stated bluntly.

She narrowed her eyes at him. "I just thought maybe you were lonely," she put her hand on his thigh. "You look like you need company,"

"Ok sure," Reid couldn't believe those words had just come out of his mouth. "So how does this work?"

She smiled at him. "Give me your room number and I'll meet you up there."

Feeling like he was watching someone else do this, he wrote his room number on the back of one of his cards. He couldn't believe he was actually going to pay a prostitute for sex. He thought he would hear himself back out or run away. However another part was telling him this was something he had never experienced before and it was unlikely Ms Right was waiting around the corner for him anyway. He handed her his card.

"I'll be up in an hour baby." she purred, pleased she had closed the deal.

Reid nodded and got up from the bar, he half staggered to the elevator, that third Brandy had knocked him for a loop. A well dressed older couple got into the elevator with him. The woman threw him a look of distain.

Reid paid no attention, "I'm gonna have paid sex." he slurred.

The woman turned away, the man attempted to hide his smile.

"I don't wanna die a virgin," he explained as they got off at their floor.

&&&&&&&&&&&

Had Reid been more observant or less drunk he might have noticed another pair of eyes had been watching him all evening. The hooker Reid had made his date with was still at the bar finishing her drink when she felt a pair of slender fingers tap her lightly on the shoulder. She turned to face the steely eyes of a woman older than herself.

"Yeah?" she said.

"Give me that card you just got," she said, her voice icy.

The hooker frowned, "Piss off!"

The expression in the woman's eyes changed, It frightened the hooker a little. Then with a deftness the girl did not expect the older woman quickly snatched Reid's card from the the hookers hand and crumpled it up.

"Hey!" the girl cried.

"His appointment with you is cancelled," she stated.

"Who the hell are you?" The girl demanded.

"I'm his girlfriend," she pulled a hundred out of her wallet and stuffed it into the girl's hand. "This is for your inconvenience."

The girl looked at the bill, "I would've made a lot more than this tonight," she whined.

The woman leaned close, "I suggest you cut your losses and leave."

The smell of scotch on the woman's breath hit her in the face. She backed away.

"Ok, I don't want to come between a man and his cougar anyway," She got up and moved to another part of the casino.

The woman laughed a little. She uncrumpled the card and looked at the room number.

'_Got a surprise for you Dr Reid,' _she thought as she got on the elevator and pressed Reid's floor.

&&&&&&&&&

As soon as Reid got to his room, he realized what a mistake he had made. He started to sweat with anxiety. He peeled off two layers of clothes til he was wearing just his pants and a t-shirt. He went into the bathroom to splash some water on his face and attempt to sober up. He stared at his multiple reflections. "You must be crazy," he said out loud to the mirror.

"Yes, we're all crazy," he answered back.

He grabbed a towel and sat on his bed. What did he think he was doing, making dates with hookers and getting drunk again. He remembered how well getting drunk had turned out the last time. He looked at his suit case and briefly thought of just taking off; no, that was cowardly. He realized he was panicking, all he had to do was tell the girl he changed his mind, he'd even pay her whatever it was she would have charged. Yes, that was exactly what he'd do. He began to relax a little until he heard a loud knock at the door and his heart sped up again. He approached his hotel room door as if it were going to bite him. There was another loud rap that made him jump.

"Coming," he squeaked. He took a deep breath and opened the door.

"Hi," said a tipsy Emily Prentiss.

Reid stood there gaping at her. What a horrendous time for her to show up

"Emily?" he said, stunned.

"Well, are you going to invite me in?" she asked.

"Yeah sure," he moved back and let her enter the room.

Emily took a look around the suite, "Wow Reid, this is much nicer than my room," she stuck her head in the bathroom

"Woo, look at all the mirrors!"

Reid glanced nervously at the door. "Emily, what are you doing here?"

Emily plunked herself down on the bed. "I came here yesterday to do an intake interview, remember 'Ted the Butcher,'"

"The hotdog killer?"

"Bratwurst actually, anyway, he's 90 years old now, he finally agreed to do an interview."

Reid looked at her skeptically, "Hotch sent you to babysit me didn't he?"

"No, I did the interview yesterday, by the way, I cancelled your hooker."

Suddenly all the colour drained out of Reid's face, he sank down onto the bed. He felt completely humiliated, he covered his face with his hands and let out a loud groan.

"Hey Reid, are you alright?"

Spencer could barely bring himself to look Emily in the eye, he felt so ashamed.

"I don't know what made me do it, I was going to cancel her myself, you have to believe me."

Emily leaned over and pulled his hands away from his face. "Reid, if it were any man but you, I wouldn't believe it, but you I believe."

"You must think I'm a complete deviant," he moaned.

"No, not at all. I take it the visit with your mom didn't go too well. Judging by the multiple brandies you were socking back at the blackjack table."

"What... have you been spying on me the entire night?" his voice gaining a edge of anger.

"No, I had dinner at the hotel buffet too," she said, ignoring his indignation. For the first time Reid noticed he wasn't the only one who had a little too much to drink.

"Prentiss, you're drunk"

"So are you."

Reid felt relieved and annoyed at the same time. He resented his team still treating him like a child, yet at the same time he relished the company. It _had_ been a horrible day and if truth be told, the only bright spot in it was Prentiss sitting in his room. He decided to just go with it.

"So Emily, how about I grab a couple of pepsi's out of the bar fridge, we could do something if you like," Reid offered.

"Let's listen to some music," she pointed a controller at the tv and turned on a music only station. The strains of the song 'Dream Weaver' came

wafting out of the tv speakers.

"Oh I haven't heard this in years, I love this song, dance with me Reid." Prentiss jumped to her feet and grabbed Spencer's hands

Reid looked up at her, horrified, "Dance with you, are you nuts?"

She tilted her head at him, "Don't you know how to dance?"

Reid sighed and stood up, "I'm afraid I do." He took Prentiss's right hand in his and circled her waist with the other. They slowly started to glide around the room.

Emily looked up at him pleased, "You really can dance," she said surprised.

Spencer gave her a little smile. "Believe it or not my mother made me take lessons when I was twelve. She said it was something gentlemen should know, plus she figured it was a physical activity I could do without hurting myself. I wasn't a dancer, but I could memorize all the steps."

Emily smiled back and rested her head on Reid's shoulder, he held her a little closer. He found he was actually enjoying himself. This was not like the dance lessons at all, where every partner was a girl about a foot taller than himself or another awkward geeky boy. Emily fit so nicely against him. She was the perfect height. He closed his eyes and inhaled the scent of her hair as they took one more spin around the room. The song ended. Emily looked up at him sleepy eyed.

"Thank you for the dance Emily."

"You're welcome Spencer,"

They both stood there silently for a moment when finally Reid blurted out:

"Emily, this suite has two bedrooms, you could stay here if you like, in the extra room I mean."

He didn't want her to leave, he didn't want to be alone. He knew why he had got so drunk tonight. It was a substitution for what he really wanted. That craving in him that could lie quietly for months on end but when awakened was akin to a cat trying to claw it's way out of his belly. This was Vegas and he knew there was a 101 ways to score something if he really wanted it. He was afraid. He also knew the real reason he wanted to tell his mother about his illness and he thought it was completely selfish. He had hoped that she would mother him, take him in her arms like he was a little boy and tell him that everything was going to be alright. He didn't know why he had thought that, for it was something he had never experienced as a child. He just wanted somebody to love him, to take his pain away even for a little while.

"Yes, I'll stay. May I borrow a t-shirt to sleep in?" said Prentiss.

"Yes yes, of course," said Reid happily.

Spencer grabbed a clean t-shirt out of his bag and pointed to the spare room.

"Goodnight Reid."

"Goodnight Emily."

When Reid slept that night, there were no confusing sad dreams. He dream't he was dancing.

&&&&&&&&&&&

The next morning Reid and Prentiss greeted each other with bleary eyes and matching hangovers. They shared a pot of coffee and commiserated with each other until Emily told him she had to get back to her room and pack. She was leaving on a commercial flight later that morning and didn't want to miss it. He shyly thanked her for staying and helping him out. Emily told him what happened in the casino last night would stay between them. Reid blushed at the memory and thanked her again. He felt lucky to have someone like Emily.

&&&&&&&&&&&

Spencer returned to Bennington that afternoon. He had to see his mother one more time before he left. The receptionist told him Diana was still in her room, but to go ahead and see her. He felt nervous, he hoped his appearence wouldn't cause another scene.

He knocked tenatively on her door and stuck his head in.

"Mom," he said quietly.

She was sitting up in her bed surrounded by books. She lifted her head in surprise.

"Spencer, what are you doing here?"

She didn't seem to remember anything; he didn't know whether to feel relieved or sad.

"I came to see you mom,"

She smiled up at him. "I was just reviewing some of the reading material for next semester."

"That's great," he said, playing along.

She took a long look at her son.

"Come here Spencer, I'll read to you."

He sat down beside her and stretched his legs out on the bed. He picked up a book of sonnets and handed it to her.

"I like this one," he said.

"Ah, excellent choice," she opened the large tome and began to read. He let her melodious voice and words of the poet wash over him. His mother turned her head and smiled at him and patted his hand. Her eyes were bright blue and clear just like in the dream he had the other night.

"Mom," he whispered.

"Shh, listen Spencer, you'll want to understand this."

He relaxed back against the headboard, he felt a sudden peacefulness.

"I'm beginning to understand mom, just a little."

FIN

AN: Please read and review. I hope to have the next update done a lot sooner than this one was. Anyway I hope you like it and I wish everyone the best of the season and a happy new year.


	22. Goodbyes and Gideon

**Goodbyes and Gideon**

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds.

_'Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will.'_ ~ Mahatma Gandhi

&&&&&&&&&&

Garcia watched her team trudge into the BAU offices. She could see weariness in the way they walked and spoke to one another. It had been a difficult case and they had been gone six straight days. JJ had gone directly home to Henry. Hotch still had work to finish up. Rossi went into his office and shut the door while Prentiss and Morgan silently proceeded to do their paperwork.

Morgan's eyes lit up when he saw Penelope rushing over to to speak to him.

"Babygirl, your sweet face is just what I need to see right now," he said.

"Likewise my dove but I've come to tell you the news on our youngest."

Prentiss looked up at her. "Reid, is he ok?"

Garcia sat down on the edge of the desk. "I spoke to him about twenty minutes ago. He said he was about to go under."

Morgan nodded, "Yeah, his surgery is today. They're going to find out whether that lump is another malignancy or not."

"Why don't they just aspirate it or something, stick a needle in and draw out some tissue or fluid?" asked Emily.

"He told me the thing is growing larger and causing him pain so the surgeon just wants to cut out the whole damn thing and biopsy it."

Emily grimaced, "Poor Reid, he must be terrified."

"Reid wanted me to tell you something else," said Garcia.

"What's that?" they both asked at once.

"He said you didn't need to visit him, that it's only a minor surgery and that they will probably send him home today."

Morgan snorted, "Right, I'm not gonna go see him, and I suppose skittles are going to fly out of my ass too."

Garcia grinned, "I figured you'd say something like that."

"I'll go this afternoon, when he's likely back in his room," Morgan told her.

"Do you want company?" Prentiss offered.

Morgan looked at the bleary bloodshot eyes of his colleague.

"Emily you look beat, why don't you tell Hotch you're going home? That was a hell of a case we just worked on."

The three of them shuddered inwardly as they recalled the gruesome crime scene photos.

&&&&&&&&&&&

Reid was finally being taken out of recovery and put into a regular room. For him the world was spinning at a sickening pace. He felt nauseated and there was an odd stinging discomfort coming from his lower regions.

"Spencer, Spencer, try to stay awake now," said a perky voiced young nurse as she wheeled his bed into place.

Reid groaned, his throat too dry to even speak. He blinked at the brightness of the room. He was dying for a drink of water. Spencer reached over for the pitcher and glass he saw beside the bed but the movement caused a sharp pain in his groin and he fell back against the pillows, causing another jolt of pain. He began to worry they had removed something they shouldn't. Reid was about to take a look under his sheets when he heard the familiar voice of Derek Morgan.

"Here kid, let me do that."

The nurse gave Morgan an appreciative once over and a big smile. "Call me if you need anything," she said as she left the room

Reid looked at him, confused. "Morgan?"

Morgan went to the bedside table and poured him a glass of water and held it for him while he drank.

"Thanks," Spencer said relieved, his voice barely a croak.

Morgan spoke softly, "Don't mention it kid. I'd ask how you're feeling but I think I can tell."

No sooner had he said that when he noticed an intense look of concentration on the young agents face and luckily realized what was about to happen. Morgan quickly grabbed a wastepaper basket off the floor and held it up as Reid expelled the meagre contents of his stomach into it. Morgan winced as he held onto Reid's shoulders with one hand and the barf basket with the other. He didn't want Reid falling off the bed head first.

"Some help in here please!" Morgan yelled, hoping someone was near enough to hear him.

The young nurse who had been there only minutes before came rushing back in.

"Oh dear," she exclaimed. Poor Reid was now hanging off the side of the bed dry heaving. She took over holding the basket.

"It's the anesthetic, makes some people really ill," she explained.

Morgan rubbed his friend's back in soothing circles. Spencer had vomited up mostly liquid so Morgan wasn't too repelled out by the sight or sounds.

Reid's breathing calmed down, the nurse looked at his face. "I think he's done now, let's lay him back down."

Morgan gently turned his friend over on his back. Reid mumbled a thanks. Morgan gasped when he saw blood seeping through his sheet.

"What the hell?"

The young nurse flipped back his sheets and gown. Morgan quickly looked away: he wanted Reid to retain some semblance of dignity.

"Oh it's ok, the incision is leaking a bit. Those are dissolvable stitches he has, I just need to change the dressing and his gown." she looked at Morgan expectantly, it dawned on him she wanted him to leave the room.

"Ok kid, I'll just be outside," he said to Reid.

"Look, why don't you get a coffee while I take care of your friend? He'll probably be more awake by the time you get back."

Morgan looked at his barely with it friend. "Do you know how long he'll be here?" he asked.

"No, usually we send people home the same day but given his condition I think the doctor will probably want to keep him overnight."

Morgan nodded. The nurse pulled the curtains around the bed. He heard Reid let out a small moan. Derek backed out into the hall, standing there lost in thought until he felt someone place a soft hand on his.

"Hey sexpot, whatcha doing out here?" said a familiar cheerful voice. Morgan turned and met Garcia's gaze. The smile faded from her face as she saw the sadness in Derek's dark eyes.

"What is it?" she asked alarmed.

"Just wondering why everthing has to be so fucking hard?"

She had no answer, she just pulled him into a hug and held him.

&&&&&&&&&&

An hour and a half later Morgan and Garcia found themselves in the company of a much more alert and relaxed Reid.

He was sitting up and had even managed to keep some light food down. Garcia sat on the edge of the bed and entertained him with BAU gossip.

"Hurry up and come back, it's not nearly as interesting without you there," she told him.

"Thanks a lot Penelope," groused Morgan.

"So how's the new guy working out," Reid asked.

Morgan sighed, "Well Strauss has assigned this guy from sex crimes, but he's deep in the middle of a case right now, plus you add the usual red tape it takes to transfer someone. It might be a few weeks before we even see him."

Spencer frowned, "That's ridiculous, you're a man short, you can't be 100% efficient that way."

Garcia laid a finger on his lips. "That is not for you to worry about." Reid was no longer looking at her; he was staring at someone over her shoulder, his entire expression changed. Garcia and Morgan turned around to see Reid's surgeon standing in the doorway with a file in his hand.

Reid swallowed nervously, "Dr..."

"I have your biopsy results Dr Reid."

Morgan and Garcia stood up, "We'll leave for a bit," said Morgan.

Spencer reached over and took Derek's arm. "No, stay please." he said quietly.

"Sure kid," Morgan tried to keep his voice controlled and even.

Garcia grabbed hold of Reid's hand. Her own heart started to beat a little faster.

The doctor came into the room, he looked down at the chart.

"Well it's good news...that large mass we removed is benign. It turned out it was a large infected cyst. We're treating the infection with antibiotics," he pointed to the IV drip attached to Reid's arm. We'll send you home tomorrow with oral medication."

Garcia let out an excited squeal. Reid exhaled as if he had been holding his breath for months. Morgan grinned and slapped Reid on the shoulder, nearly knocking him over.

The doctor smiled at him and continued. "Now it says here on your chart that your last MRI showed a shrinkage of the enlarged lymph nodes and your white cell count showed improvement. It would seem the new chemo is doing it's job."

Reid nodded happily. He felt like he was about to float off the bed, "I have another chemo due soon," he said.

"Yes, so keep taking care of yourself, rest, eat well, and take your medication."

"I will, I will," he said excitedly. Both Morgan and Garcia were grinning like maniacs.

Did he dare hope he just might come through this? He hadn't felt hopeful in so long he barely recognized what it was. Usually the mention of another chemo would fill him with dread. Now he just wanted to get on with it. He was ready to fight again.

The surgeon gave him some more instructions and said he would check in again tomorrow before he went home. Reid sat there in bed feeling like he had finally won one.

Garcia leaned over and hugged Reid as hard as she dared.

"Love you sweetcheeks," she whispered.

Reid blushed.

"You two need a room?" Morgan quipped.

"Oh shut up Derek," she said laughing as she grabbed him and pulled him into the hug.

&&&&&&&&&&&

It was late, Morgan and Penelope had left hours earlier. Reid was exhausted. He couldn't shut his mind off, plus his incision was hurting like hell. It felt like the area between his abdomen and legs were on fire. Spencer refused any pain medication stronger than Tylenol.

"Hey," said a soft quiet voice in the dark; he looked over and saw Emily Prentiss standing a few feet away from him with a book in her hand.

"Hi Emily," he whispered "how did you get in?" He was tired but happy to see her.

"Having a badge is a very useful tool sometimes." she pulled a chair next to his bed and sat down.

"I heard the good news about your test results," she said.

He smiled, "Yes, the mass was benign, of course I still have cancer and three chemo treatments left to go .. but hey you can't have everything," he said with a soft laugh.

She just smiled at him, she was happy to see him so up. She reached over and squeezed his hand.

A nurse, a much older one than he had before poked her head into the room. "Mr Reid, I told your girlfriend she could stay as long as she didn't disturb you too much."

Reid gave Prentiss a sidelong glance, "Ah thanks," he said.

She wagged a finger at them, "And no funny business you two."

"Couldn't even if I wanted to," said Reid. This made the old nurse snort a laugh.

Reid arched his brows at Prentiss, "You said you were my girlfriend?" he said after the nurse left the room.

Prentiss feigned innocence, "I think she just made an assumption, and what's this_ 'couldn't even if I wanted to'?"_

Reid realized it was time to change the subject. He pointed to the book in her hand. "What's that?"

She turned the book around so he could read the title. "I'd thought I'd read to you awhile."

Spencer looked at her incredulous "You're kidding?"

"Nope, JJ told me you were sorely lacking in pop culture knowledge. I felt it was my duty as an agent and fellow team member to educate you," She told him in a mock serous tone. "If nothing else, the worst that can happen is that it might put you to sleep."

Reid gingerly turned on his side facing her, "Alright, I'm game, I would never turn down an opportunity to learn."

Prentiss opened up the copy of _Twilight _she got from Garcia and began to read.

Reid loved the sound of Emily's voice. It was like velvet, deep and rich. It made him feel like he was sinking into a warm bath. She could have been reading the telephone book to him and he would have drawn comfort from it. He listened and soon he was completely relaxed, he didn't even notice the pain of his incision anymore. He closed his eyes and went to sleep.

&&&&&&&&&&

Morgan strode down the hospital corridors with the usual two cups of take-out coffee. He had asked Hotch for the morning off so he could give Reid a ride home and make sure he had everything he needed. He was surprised to find Reid still in his hospital gown. He was sitting on his bed, his legs dangling off the side. He looked like an overgrown child.

"I thought you'd be dressed by now, everything ok?" Morgan asked.

Reid was playing with his hands. He cleared his throat, "You're going to think I'm crazy," he said.

"Probably no more than I usually do, try me," he countered.

Reid was very fidgity. "Well I.. I have to go to the bathroom."

Morgan was puzzled, the bathroom was about 12 feet away and Reid's IVs had been removed. He didn't see the problem.

"Yeah, so go I'll wait."

"This may sound stupid, it's just that I'm experiencing a bit of vertigo, probably an after affect due to the anesthesia, I'm afraid of falling down and tearing my stitches."

Morgan smiled "Is that all? Let me help you," Morgan put down the coffees and offered his arm to Reid.

Reid carefully stood, he wrapped his hospital gown tightly around himself so not to expose his backside and grabbed hold of Morgan's shoulder Morgan put his arm around Spencer's waist, the thinness of the man never failed to amaze him. Together they walked/shuffled their way to the washroom.

"I feel like an idiot," Reid grumbled.

"Hey think of it as practice when they finally stick us in the FBI nursing home together," Morgan told him.

Reid laughed, then moaned. "Oww, shut up, don't make me laugh."

Morgan let go of him once he got him standing in front of the toilet.

"I'll just wait outside, this is as far as my friendship extends in helping you take a piss."

Reid had to bite his lip so as not to laugh. Morgan shut the door and waited patiently 'til he heard the tap shut off.

"You ready kid?"

Reid opened the door and nodded. Morgan took a good long look at him. Due to Reid's height the gown was a little short for him. With Reid's doe eyes and long gangly legs he reminded Morgan of Bambi.

"Kinda wobbly aren't ya?" he muttered.

"What?"

"Nothing," He took hold of him again and walked him back to the bed.

"Do you think you can keep this trip to the bathroom between us?" Reid asked.

"I know I wont tell anyone," said an amused sounding male voice behind them.

The two agents turned to find Jason Gideon standing calmly by the door. Morgan instinctively stepped in front of Reid; he glared at his former colleague.

"What do you want Gideon?"

Gideon gave a half smile and waved his hand at Morgan, "Derek, relax, I just want to talk to Spencer. He was in a coma the last time I saw him."

"Morgan, it's ok, I'd like to speak to Jason as well," said Reid.

Morgan looked at Reid, his voice was calm but his face had gotten visibly paler. Reid nodded, letting him know he wanted to speak to Gideon privately.

"Fine, I'll be back in 20 minutes," he warned. With one last glower at Gideon he left the two former friends alone.

Gideon shook his head, "Morgan seems to have taken on the role of protector. I don't think he trusts me."

"You haven't set the bar too high Jason."

Gideon let out a sigh. "I guess I deserved that," He looked at Reid. "So how are you?"

"Today, not too bad, tomorrow, who knows?"

"And your attacker, any leads?"

Reid shook his head, "No, I've been told the trail has gone cold," Reid narrowed his eyes at his former mentor.

"This isn't why you're here, is it, to inquire about my health?"

Gideon met his stare, "Reid I care about your health, I've always cared about you." Gideon started to pace about the room. He was agitated, it was if he were trying to gather his thoughts together in a way that would make sense to the young profiler. He wanted to explain himself, he needed to.

"Spencer, when I saw you at the BAU..."

Reid stopped him. "Jason, stop. That day I nearly took your head off, it was just bad timing, I didn't mean most of what I said. How could you know I was sick? It was a terrible day for me. Let's put that day aside, please? I don't want to think about it any more." Spencer said earnestly.

Jason nodded, "Yes you're right, but I need to explain about when I first left."

Spencer put his head in his hands and leaned on his knees.

"Gideon, I don't care!"

"What?"

Reid looked into the face of his former mentor. "When you first left, I was still... '_Struggling'. _I was hurt and confused and felt abandoned all over again, but I got through it without you. I got strongerand once I stopped thinking about me for a minute, I even started to see things the way you might have seen them. It didn't make it hurt any less but I was starting to understand. Believe it or not Jason, I haven't spent the last three years pining for you, I grew up. I know now that this has got to stop."

Jason stared at him as if he were truly seeing him for the first time. The young man who sat in front of him was pale and emaciated, he looked as if a strong wind could knock him down, but he was not the same affection starved, albeit brilliant boy he had brought to the FBI all those years ago. Somewhere along the line he had turned into a man.

"What do you mean, this has got to stop?." Gideon asked

Spencer made vague gestures with his hands, "This stuff, this psychodrama you have going on here. Showing up like Marley's ghost, whenever, where ever. "

"I did write you Spencer."

"Yes I know, and I'm sorry I didn't answer, but if you and I are going to have any kind of friendship, it has to be as equals."

Gideon sat down, this wasn't how he saw this reunion happening. He didn't know what to say. Reid could see his old friend was hurt. He spoke gently to him.

"Gideon, I have cancer, this is the biggest thing that has ever happened to me. Sometimes it feels so big, it blots out the sky. I have to work on getting well. I have to be selfish, I can't worry about you. Maybe at some point we can get together as friends, like two adults" .

Jason nodded slowly, "Yes, you're right." he rose out of the chair. The two men were silent for a few moments.

.

"Reid, I meant it when I said I cared. Do you have help, people to look after you?"

Reid felt exhausted. "Yes, the team has been great, I tried to keep them at arm's length at first, not even tell them about the illness, but you know profilers." he said with a smile.

Gideon returned the smile "Yes I certainly do, nothing gets by them."

"Nothing gets by who?" Morgan said as he walked back into the room and heard the last part of the conversation.

"You and Hotch, Prentiss and Rossi, Garcia, secrets are impossible around you guys," Reid stated.

"That's good, I'm glad," said Jason softly. "So I guess I'll be going, I'm going back home today but don't think I wont be checking up on you Spencer. I'm glad we talked."

Gideon went to Morgan and held out his hand. Morgan hesitated at first then took the older man's hand and shook it.

"Goodbye Gideon," he said.

Gideon had nearly left the room when he suddenly stopped and turned back to Reid.

"Spencer, there's something I need to know; did you really let me win all those chess games?"

Reid's lips curved into a smile. "That's something you'll just have to figure out for yourself," he said in an low voice.

Jason shook his head and huffed a laugh, "Goodbye Spencer." and then he left. Morgan and Reid remained silent until the sound of his footsteps faded away.

Morgan turned and faced his young colleague, who had just flopped back in an exhausted heap against his pillows.

"Reid, are you ready to go home now?"

"Morgan, I actually feel ready for anything,"

FIN

AN:I know not too much happened in this chapter, but I felt Gideon had to be dealt with. There will be more team stuff next chapter I think. I am trying to update a little faster these days. Please read and review. Thanks to all who reviewed the previous chapters.


	23. Nightmares and Notions

**Nightmares and Notions**

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds.

_'The true art of memory is the art of attention'_ Samuel Johnson.

The approached the unsubs house with their usual caution. It was a creepy Victorian home in an older quiet DC neighbourhood. It was raining heavily and the mud made a sickening squelching sound as their shoes sunk into the the soft wet soil.

Hotch signaled for the team to split up. He and Rossi took the front door while she and and Morgan took the back. Morgan kicked the door open. They heard Rossi yell '_clear' _from the other side of the house. Prentiss and Morgan moved their flashlights around the dilapidated old back kitchen, seeing nothing but rusty plumbing and evidence of rodents.

"Clear!" Morgan yelled.

She heard the creaking of the stairs as the two older agents went up to the second floor. They heard _'clear'_ yelled again and then there was a short silence, followed by another sound that made her stomach lurch; it was the anguished voice of Rossi.

"We're too late," she heard him say.

Prentiss felt her heart speed up. Another victim, they had found another one of the unsubs victims, only this time the unsub had told them where to look. Her and Morgan raced upstairs and found the bedroom where Hotch and Rossi stood, their flashlights trained over the body of a man curled up in a fetal position on a bare mattress. A circle of light hitting him in the face.

It was the face of Spencer Reid.

Prentiss pushed the men aside and kneeled on the bed beside him. He looked as if he were only sleeping.

"Call an ambulance," she cried. She felt for a pulse in his neck, there was none. The three other agents stared blankly at her, their faces frozen in unexpected shock and grief.

Prentiss pushed his hair off his face. He looked so at peace; there were no signs of violence anywhere. It was as if he had just decided to lay down and go to sleep. She gathered his lifeless body in her arms and rocked him, he was still warm.

"Please don't let this be real," she whispered as she held him close. "Please."

It wasn't.

&&&&&&&&&&

Emily awoke with a start. She immediately sat up and turned on the light beside her bed. It took a moment or two for her to realize she had only had a horrible dream. Her nightshirt felt damp with sweat and her face was wet.

'What the hell," she said aloud. She looked out the window and could see that it was nearly dawn. Going back to sleep was not an option. She got out of bed and headed to the kitchen.

&&&&&&&&&&&

Reid stepped out of his shower and wrapped a towel around his waist. He grabbed another towel and tried to dry his hair; he smirked at the amount of hair that came out. This new chemo was not supposed to make his hair fall out, but there was still some loss. He padded into his bedroom and pulled the towel off his waist. He stood naked in front of his mirror. The surgery scars were healing nicely; the stitches had dissolved and it didn't hurt anymore. With that inspection done, he quickly looked away for he thought he looked horrible otherwise.

He dried himself off and hurridly donned some clothes and went to make himself some coffee. Rossi would be picking him up today... or was it Morgan? Spencer felt himself experience a little confusion. There was a FBI retirement party they were all going to this afternoon, he didn't really want to go but the ladies of the BAU were extremely persuasive. It seemed they didn't like him out of their sight for too long.

&&&&&&&&&&&

By the time Emily had had her coffee and showered, the nightmare had begun to fade and seem less real, yet the feeling of it remained, like some kind of horror hangover. She reassured herself that it was just a disturbing nightmare and nothing more, and she would feel better when she saw Reid at the retirement party this afternoon. The team had been away for several days so it would be good to see him. Until then she would occupy herself with other thoughts.

&&&&&&&&&&&

Reid paced about his apartment 'til he began to feel fatigued, he dropped into the nearest chair. He tired easily these days and it seemed he had caught a cough somewhere. He reckoned he had probably picked up some kind of minor bug at the hospital. He stared at the array of drugs on his coffee table that were now prescribed to him. It almost made him laugh.

Despite his relunctance to go to this social gathering, he was looking forward to seeing the team. He had not seen them since his last chemo. It had been a rough one. Morgan and Garcia had taken turns staying with him those few horrible days. At one point he had vomited so violently, he nearly passed out on the bathroom floor. Garcia was close to panic and wanted to call an ambulance; he talked her out of it. She was his rock, she distracted him from his misery by talking and reading to him, and when he needed to be held she did that too. He let her.

He got through it. He reminded himself constantly he had only two more treatments to endure and this agony was what was killing the cancer cells. Spencer had left the hospital after his surgery with a new resolve. He had to make it.

Reid leaned back in his chair, closed his eyes and fell asleep. In what seemed like only minutes later he awakened. He looked about his apartment in confusion. The sunlight was shining in another part of the apatment.

"What am I doing?" He said aloud. He noticed the clock. It had not been minutes, he had been asleep for three hours. Someone was picking him up to go somewhere. He furrowed his brow and tried to concentrate.

"Tell me, tell me what I'm supposed to do," He looked around the empty room as if expecting an answer.

&&&&&&&&&&

Rossi pulled his car up to the front of Reid's apartment building, originally Morgan was the one who was going to pick him up, but he wanted to give Morgan a bit of a break. Rossi could see the toll Reid's illness was taking on him.

He saw something that surprised him. Reid was out sitting on the front steps of his apartment building. He was wearing several layers of clothes and what looked like a wide brimmed fedora. He wondered if Reid was becoming self concious about his thinning hair. He watched the young agent for a moment. His eyes were closed and he held his face up to the sun, his knees were drawn up to his chest and he had his arms wrapped tightly around himself as if he were extremely cold, even though it was 76 degrees and a beautiful sunny day.

"Hey Reid," he called through his open window.

Reid turned his head and stared at David for a moment then stood and walked towards Rossi's SUV.

"Get in," Rossi told him.

Spencer smiled and settled himself in the seat beside Rossi.

"Thanks for picking me up David."

Rossi pulled away from the curb. He noticed Reid was unusually quiet.

"Hey, you ok?" he asked.

"Sure, I'm fine, where are we going?"

Rossi frowned, the question took him by surprise, "Charlie Clarkson's retirement barbecue, remember?"

Reid nodded, "Oh yeah. I forgot."

This made him feel uneasy, he couldn't remember any time where Spencer had forgotten somethng. Of course Reid was ill right now and he reasoned the kid must just be tired.

"Surprised to see you waiting outside for me," Rossi said, attempting to make small talk.

Reid furrowed his brow, "I had to get out of there," he didn't elaborate. He just crossed his arms in front of himself again and closed his eyes.

The rest of the ride passed in silence.

&&&&&&&&&&

The outdoor venue for the retirement party was amazing. After 45 years with the FBI, Charlie Clarkson surprised everyone when he said his retirement send off was not going to be in a stuffy hotel ballroom. He wanted a barbecue and if he never saw a dark suit again it would be too soon. There had to be at least a hundred people attending, A tent was set up, music was playing and several grills were sizzling with steaks, ribs and chicken.

The BAU sat around a large round table. They saw Rossi approaching with Reid; Prentiss smiled in relief to see him. Garcia got up and gave him a hug.

"Sit down sweetcheeks, it's been too long."

Reid frowned, "I saw you 9 days ago," he said.

Reid sat between Garcia and Morgan, Morgan reached over and gave his shoulder a gentle squeeze.

"You're lookin good kid."

Reid looked at him skeptically, "I'm still a profiler Morgan, so don't lie,"

"Ok, your hat looks good."

Rossi watched the young agent out of the corner of his eye. Reid seemed to be his usual self again. He put his concerns aside. Hotch, however, noticed the subtle scrutiny.

"Dave, is there a problem?" he nodded slightly in Reid's direction. Rossi didn't want to worry the unit chief, since there might be nothing to worry about in the first place.

"Nah, just keeping my eyes open. Say, is that a bar I see over there? Care to take a stroll with me Aaron?"

Hotch grinned, "Best offer I've had all day," The two men got up and headed over to the bar

A plate of food suddenly appeared in front of Spencer. Reid looked behind him. It was JJ; she also placed a large glass of milk in front of him.

"JJ, I can't eat all this," Spencer whined, staring at the plateful of chicken and potato salad.

"Do it Reid, or she wont let you have any dessert," warned Morgan.

JJ threw Morgan a dirty look, "Do your best, ok," she said gently.

"JJ's become twice as dangerous ever since she became a Mom," said Garcia matter of factly.

Will nodded in agreement, "It's true,"

Reid sighed and pulled a small piece of chicken off his plate. "Well, for my own safety, I better eat."

Most of the afternoon passed happily and uneventfully. Several high ranking agents made heartfelt speeches, including Charlie himself. He thanked everyone for coming. He then made a moving toast to his wife and grown children who watched him with happy tear filled eyes. Rossi glanced over at Hotch and noticed the sadness in his eyes; this was probably what he thought his life would turn out like, a long career and a loving wife and child by his side.

Rossi's attention turned to Reid again, he looked relaxed and almost happy. He barely touched his food but seemed happy when Will brought him some coffee. Garcia was trying to force feed him some cake.

Charlie finished his speech, the crowd applauded. He told everyone the day was still young so to enjoy the rest of the afternoon. The music began to play again.

Rossi was about to remark on the date Anderson brought with him when a lean shadow fell across their table.

It was Erin Strauss.

She had a young man in tow with her. A young man who looked clearly uncomfortable to be there.

"Gentlemen, ladies, so good to see all of you." she said in her cool voice.

"Good to see you too chief Strauss," Hotch said in even tones.

"I thought this might be a good time to do this," she was looking directly at Reid. "I'd like you to meet the replacement for Dr Reid. This is Steven Bennet from sex crimes."

It was as if everyone at the table had suddenly froze. They couldn't believe what Strauss had just done. Garcia sat there holding a spoonful of cake in front of Reid's mouth. Hotch was the first to regain his composure. He stood up and held out his hand.

"Good to meet you agent Bennet. We look forward to working with you."

The agent gave a sigh of relief and shook Hotch's hand. The rest of the team followed suit and introduced themselves, all except for Reid who gave his trademark shy wave.

Strauss smiled, "Agent Bennet will be starting a week from this Monday, his family has a long tradition with the FBI. His grandfather worked under J. Edgar Hoover."

"A cross dresser," Reid mumbled.

"I beg your pardon Dr Reid?" Strauss asked, her cold eyes practically boring holes into the genius

Reid looked at her a moment his mouth hanging open, "It's a well known historical fact Hoover was a cross dresser."

Strauss looked as if her head might explode. She decided to ignore him, "I'll let you finish your dessert, I just thought it would be nice for you all to meet in informal circumstances."

Agent Bennet said his goodbyes as Strauss dragged him to another table.

"That bitch!" said JJ under her breath. Hotch scowled at her. "Sorry sir," she said.

Rossi closed his eyes, what had been a lovely afternoon had turned sour. Reid seemed to be taking it well but the mood had changed. Rossi looked across the table. There was an empty seat where Reid had been.

"Where's Reid?" he asked.

"I think he went to the bathroom," said Will.

Rossi got an odd gnawing feeling in the pit of his stomach. It was silly but he had to go check on Reid. He excused himself and went into the clubhouse men's room. He saw Reid standing there staring into the mirror. He was reminded of another time when he walked into a washroom looking to see if Reid were alright.

"You ok?" he asked for the second time that day.

Reid reached out and touched his reflection and quickly pulled his hand back. "It's gone," he whispered.

"C'mon let's go back outside," Rossi said gruffly. He took Reid's arm and walked him back to the table. He saw a rather somber looking group sitting there minus Hotch.

"What now?" he asked.

JJ stood up, cell phone in hand, "We got a call from the DC police, they need us. Hotch is just telling Charlie and saying our goodbyes."

The entire table got up to leave. Rossi realized he was still holding on to Spencer who was silent again.

Will kissed JJ goodbye. "Spence, I'll drive you home," he offered.

"I think it might be a good idea if Reid came with us, alright with you Reid?" said Rossi.

"Huh, yes, ok," Reid said, surprised to be included.

The rest of the team were surprised as well but had no problem with Reid coming along.

"Let's go then."

The BAU team left the celebration and made their way to the scene of a murder.

&&&&&&&&&&

JJ had given everyone the address of where to meet. They drove into the entrance of a new housing developement. There were homes in various states of completion, dusty barren lots and construction equipment. All except for one house, it was finished, complete with porch lights and curtains in the window. The agents piled out of the three separate vehicles they had drove in and made their way directly to the detective in charge.

Detective Cahn recognized the team from past investigations, though they did look rather unusual this time, dressed in summer casuals and sidearms.

The detective held out his hand, "Agent Hotchner, thank you for coming."

Hotch shook his hand but didn't bother with introductions, he got straight to the point. "What do you have here?"

"We have a body," he pointed to the finished house in front of them, "bring your team, I'll explain inside"

Hotch motioned for the team to follow him.

Morgan looked up at the house, "Model home, great place to leave a body," he said.

Prentiss had to agree. She shivered and followed Morgan. Rossi walked with Reid who had withdrawn back into silent mode ever since Strauss had visited their table. He wondered why that harpy felt she had to shove agent Bennet right under his nose when Reid was in such a vulnerable state.

Seeing him staring into that mirror had also kind of weirded him out.

"Reid, I hope Strauss didn't upset you too much at the party," Rossi said.

Reid shrugged, "I didn't happen to run into her, was she there?"

Rossi stopped, that casual offhand question hit him like a punch in the gut. There was definitely something hinky going on.

_'What's happening to you Reid?' _he thought. He had no time to ponder it; he was at a crime scene. Rossi forced himself to focus on the task at hand.

&&&&&&&&&&

The Police detective and the profilers entered the beautifully furnished model home. They trooped upstairs to one of the smaller bedrooms. On the small twin bed lay a naked man, curled up in a fetal position.

"Here he is," said the detective, stating the obvious.

Prentiss gave an audible gasp, her hand flew to her mouth which earned her some rather odd looks from the rest of the team.

Reid squatted down beside the body and studied the dead man's face. He broke into a grin.

"What is it Reid?" asked Hotch, scowling at the young agent's demeanor.

Reid stood and put his hands in his pockets. He stepped back a bit, tilting his head as if he were viewing a piece of art in a gallery.

What he said stunned the team.

"He just looks so beautiful, so at peace. He's so lucky." he said softly and he gave his fellow team members a beatific smile that sent shivers down their spine.

TBC

AN. Please read and review this chapter, and let me know what you think. Poor Reid, there is a reason for his behavior.


	24. Memories and Murder

**Memories and Murder**

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds.

_'Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood' _ Marie Curie.

The team stared at Reid as he beamed at them, his face was lit up as if he were at his own birthday party instead of a crime scene.

His odd statement and demeanor silenced the BAU team members, fortunately the detective in charge thought it was just another one of the BAU's resident genius's odd quirks and thought nothing of it. He was familiar with the team and respected them. He was also of the opinion that there was a fine line between genius and madness and very little surprised him.

Detective Cahn stepped towards the body.

"Yes, I guess he was beautiful, at least according to his resume. We found his ID in his clothes, he was a model and part time actor. He may be at peace now but I doubt that's how he felt about 10 hours ago."

"What do you mean?" asked Hotch.

Detective Cahn sighed and folded his arms across his chest. "Because this is the third body we've found like this in the last two months." He said as he looked at the team with weary eyes.

"We dropped the ball it wasn't really our fault. Two months ago a man was found dead in his motel room curled up in a fetal position naked on the bed, no sign of any violence. It was concluded he died of natural causes, an over consumption of alcohol after a tryst perhaps. The second time was a month ago, an empty house was for sale in an suburban nieghbourhood, same thing, young dead guy, no sign of violence, was an actor."

"Didn't the age of the victims send up any red flags to the coroners?" asked Rossi.

"All kinds" replied the detective. "Yet the autopsy on the actor showed he died of heart failure, until I saw this guy laid out here like this; I really didn't see a pattern. That's why I called you guys, I think we might have a serial killer."

Hotch regarded the body of the man on the bed, "I think you're right."

He could hear activity outside and knew the CSI and forensic teams would be up here any moment.

"Would you send all the information about this man and the two other victims as soon as possible to our liason agent and our tech analyst at the BAU," Hotch asked the detective.

The detective nodded."You've got it. I want this bastard stopped as soon as possible."

Aaron turned to his team."We'll head back to Quantico and try to work up a profile with what we have." He stopped speaking when he noticed Reid gazing out the window, hands in pocket with a rather dreamy expression on his face.

"Reid?" Hotch said. He appeared not to hear him.

"Reid!" he repeated this time much more sharply.

Spencer turned this time and looked at the unit chief.

"I'll have someone drive you home."

Reid merely smiled and went back to staring out the window. Dave was about to volunteer when Prentiss spoke up.

"Hotch, I'll take him home." she said.

Hotch nodded, "fine, let's get going."

Forensics techs had come into the room carrying a black body bag and stretcher.

The team left with the exception of Prentiss and Reid. Emily stopped the detective before he left.

"There's something I need to ask you. The two previous deaths, were they by any chance reported on the news?"

Detective Cahn frowned, trying to remember, "Yes, I think they might have been. A small blip on the news about a body being found, the actor especially, it was the bigger story."

Prentiss found herself breathing a sigh of relief. "Thank you," she said.

She hadn't mentioned her dream to anyone. She reckoned she must have seen the news story at some point and it was in her subconcious, together with all the worrying they all did about Reid, her mind must have morphed the two together to form a rather disturbing nightmare. She prided herself on her practical mind, she did not believe in precognition. Seeing this body today was sheer co-incidence.

"C'mon Reid, I'll give you a ride back,"

Reid nodded and followed her out to the car. "Back where?" he asked, she did not hear him.

&&&&&&&&&&

Prentiss found herself making small talk on the drive back to Reid's apartment. She was afraid to mention the case after his bizarre response in the house. She talked about Charlie's retirement party, the food, the music. Reid didn't seem to be listening to her, instead it was like he was becoming increasingly agitated the closer he got to his apartment. By the time they stopped in the front of his building, it looked as if he didn't want to get out of the car.

"Reid, I'll walk you in if you like," she said gently.

"Ok," he said in a unsure voice.

He walked ahead of her. She studied the thin man in front of her. At the party he almost seemed like his old self, that was until Strauss flew by on her broom, Now he seemed out of sorts. She wondered if it was a mistake to drag him to these outings when he was still so frail. Garcia had told her how difficult his last chemo had been and he had two more to endure. She admired his guts and determination. She just wished there was more she could do for him.

Once they were at Reid's apartment. He unlocked the door and tentively stepped inside, Prentiss followed, switching on a couple of lights as she went in. Reid just stood in the middle of the room with a stricken look on his face.

"You gonna be alright?" she asked.

"Uh, oh yeah, umm thanks for the ride home Emily," he said his face changing back into a neutral expression. "Good luck on the case."

"Thanks, it was no trouble," she said. He looked at her like he wanted to say something, suddenly she felt funny leaving him there alone, something wasn't right but she had to get back to Quantico. She gave his hand a squeeze as she left and told him she would call tomorrow. Emily stepped out into the hall and waited til she heard the locks all click into place. She walked away slowly, searching for her car keys. She was halfway down the hall when she could have sworn she heard Reid's voice through his door sounding small and and filled with fear.

"Leave me alone, please!"

&&&&&&&&&&&

David Rossi watched Emily walk into the BAU conference room. He wanted to ask her about Reid. He wondered if she noticed anything weird about him on their ride home. His questions would have to wait, JJ came bustling in, she handed everyone a file and went straight to a slide presentation of the three victims. There were photos of three young handsome men and then three photos of the same men in identical death poses.

Morgan leaned forward to get a better look.

"Was there any connection between the three?" He asked.

None that could be found," JJ answered."All were young men in their late twenties, extremely attractive and up until their deaths were reported to be in perfect health. There was no sexual assault or any signs of violence."

"The way the bodies are laid out shows a lot of remorse." remarked Rossi.

"Do we know what the cause of death was?" asked Prentiss.

JJ shook her head, "No, the toxicology reports came back negative except for a large quantity of alcohol in the first man," She pointed to the photos. The first victim was a Mr Harvey Elridge, his family lives in Mexico and his remains were cremated. The second victim was Lance Barton, An local actor, he left behind no family. The last victim was a model named Les Lowell. He left an estranged father and a ex girlfriend. Both live in the DC area.

Hotch stood up and moved closer to the screen.

"Garcia, I want you to search for any possible connections between the three. Morgan, you and I will check out the crime scenes, and Rossi, I want you and Prentiss to interview friends and family as well as any co-workers and neighbours. Detective Cahn said they found the last victim because of an anonymous phone call. It was most likely the unsub. The body wasn't found fast enough for him, he wants his work to be noticed. I believe if we don't find him he's likely to kill again and very soon,"

The team wasted no time in getting to work. Their minds were now focused on the task at hand. It would be hours before Rossi would have a chance to quiz Prentiss about Reid and his strange behavior.

&&&&&&&&&&&

Reid had been home for nearly two hours, the apartment was quiet. He went to his small kitchen and made himself a pot of coffee. He was hungry and couldn't seem to remember whether he had ate at the party or not. He was too tired to make anything for himself, he grabbed a box of saltines out of the cupboard; they would have to be his dinner tonight. He parked himself on his sofa and munched on the stale crackers. Reid was having trouble remembering small things these days and it would have bothered him if he was even aware of it most of the time.

Spencer looked out the window, the skies were getting darker and were taking on a purplish forboding look. It had started to rain, it made him uneasy. Rain usually meant thunder and lightening and it didn't take much of a storm to make the power go out in his apartment. The building was old and there wasn't a back-up generator. He hated the thought of being stuck by himself in a dark apartment. He supposed the sensible thing to do would be to go to bed... yet when he had walked into his bedroom an hour ago, he heard strange muffled noises that seemed to be coming from the walls. Noises that sounded like human voices, yet what he heard was unintelligblle. Sometimes it even sounded like sobbing. It reminded him of when he was a little boy and he could hear his mother crying in the next room. He wondered if he had new neighbours. Reid heard other strange sounds too. He realized old buildings groan and creak and make all kinds of odd noises but that logic did nothing to dispel the fear he felt by being in his own bedroom. He was afraid if he stayed in there, those sounds might never leave, that they would remain trapped in his brain forever like sad memories.

Reid decided he would sleep on his couch tonight. He wrapped an old blanket around him and drew his knees up to his chest. He felt ashamed of having such childish fears yet he remained helpless against it. He would be seeing his doctors in a few days, maybe he would ask them for a sleeping aid. He laughed to himself, _'Another pill for the drug addict, how ironic.'_ he thought.

Spencer heard the noises again, only this time they were much clearer, almost as if they were right behind him, taunting him by whispering in his ear, daring him to scream. His stomach clenched in fear, he put his hands over his ears and closed his eyes.

"Please stop, please please go away," He begged out loud. He couldn't stand it any more, he jumped off the couch, stuffed some of his things in his pockets and ran out of his own apartment.

&&&&&&&&&&&

Emily sat on her sofa debating whether she should crack open that new bottle of scotch and indulge in a nightcap or just go to bed. It had been a long day. The retirement party seemed like it had been days ago instead of only this afternoon. She yawned, perhaps just going to sleep was the smarter option.

She and Rossi had interviewed several people today, none of whom helped in any way whatsoever. Tomorrow they hoped they would locate the last victim's estranged Dad and the ex girlfriend.

As they'd drove back to the BAU together, Rossi had asked her about Reid, whether she thought he was behaving strangely. She thought he had, but under the circumstances who in his position wouldn't. The guy had been put through the ringer in the last 7 monthes. Who could blame him if he went off the rails every now and then. At least that was what she had told Rossi. He had seemed to agree with her up to a point. What she hadn't told him was how she had_ felt_ leaving Reid alone in his apartment and that she thought she heard him talking to himself after she left. Emily prided herself on sticking to facts and logic, she wasn't going to present something as intangible as a feeling as cold hard facts. She asked Rossi why he was asking, he merely shrugged and changed the subject.

Emily was startled out of her musings by a knock at the door, usually people rang the doorbell. The simple quiet knock on the wooden door lent itself to a certain kind of eeriness. She scowled, more irritated than alarmed. Who in the world would be calling at this time of night and in the pouring rain. She went to her door and peeked through the peep hole. Much to her surprise she saw Spencer Reid standing on her doorstep shivering and looking very much like a drowned rat. She opened the door immediately. Spencer's teeth were chattering, he was completely soaked. Reid tried to smile at her.

"Hi," he said in the most casual of tones.

Emily stood there with her mouth hanging open. "Reid where did you come from?" she saw no car or taxi.

"I took the train, then I walked from the station." he told her.

She pulled him inside the brownstone. "What's wrong, why are you here?" She didn't want to be rude but she was just so shocked to see him.

Spencer looked at his feet and shuffled a bit. "I was out and I just thought I'd see you," He said, not meeting her eyes. He didn't want to tell her he was terrified of being in his own apartment. He needed to go and be with someone. Morgan would ask too many questions. He was pretty sure Emily would let him in and just accept whatever explanation he offered, even if they both knew it was a lie.

He looked into her eyes. 'I'm dripping on your carpet," he said.

Emily shook herself. "Oh Reid, you're soaked, come with me,"

Spencer kicked off his shoes and followed her to a laundrey room. She pulled a couple of clean towels out of a hamper and told him to undress. He was a bit relunctant until she explained she was going to throw his clothes in the dryer.

"Go on, I wont look, now dry yourself off and I'll get you a blanket to wear." she ordered.

Reid meekly followed her orders. He stripped down and tossed his stuff in the dryer. He covered himself with the towels until she returned with a large blanket. He threw it over his shoulders and wrapped it around himself. Prentiss stood there, her face broke into a grin

"What?" he said.

"Nothing," she was amused by the sight of him standing there still wearing his mismatched socks.

Still she was curious why he was there. She motioned for him to follow her to the living room. They sat down on the sofa, Reid kept throwing nervous glances her way until finally she asked him.

"Reid, why are you here?, you have to take better care of yourself, you can't afford to catch pneumonia."

"I know, I know, I can't explain, I guess it was the storm, it scared me," he felt his cheeks redden at such a infantile reason, plus he was not being entirely truthful."

Emily was too good of a profiler to not see he was lying to her. A frightening thought occurred to her.

"Reid, that strange woman who poisoned you, hasn't been back has she? Has anyone strange approached you. Have you felt like someone's been watching you?"

He saw the the distress on her face and felt guilty." Oh no, Emily no, please it's not that at all. Really, it's just me being stupid. I'm sorry, when my clothes are dry I'll head straight home."

"The hell you will Reid. I have a perfectly good guest room, you can sleep here tonight, no arguements ok?" she said in a mock stern voice.

Reid agreed to stay and was secretly relieved for he knew there was no way he could go back to his apartment tonight.

Prentiss took a good look at him. He was still rail thin and pale as a ghost. It was like he was walking a tightwire with a blindfold on, anything could knock him off. Strauss parading that new agent in front of him today was like she hopped on the wire and bounced on it just for fun. There was nothing she could do about Strauss, but she could try to feed him.

"Reid have you had any dinner," she asked.

Reid furrowed his brow trying to recall whether he had or not. "I think... so,"

Prentiss didn't believe him. She told a lie "Well I was about to make myself some tea and toast before I went to bed, how about I make you some as well"

She didn't wait for his answer, instead she went directly to the kitchen and put the kettle on and popped some bread in the toaster. Ten minutes later they both sat drinking steaming hot tea and crunching on whole wheat toast. She saw Reid try to stifle a yawn, the buzzer for the dryer went off about the same time. She went and unloaded his clothes and tossed them on the couch beside him.

C'mon, grab your stuff, I'll show you the guest room, you can be my first guest," she laughed.

Reid followed her up the stairs to a rather nice room with a double bed, a small armoire and a bathroom. Reid was impressed.

"This is nicer than a lot of the hotels we stay in, " he commented.

"Great, maybe I'll sideline as a bed and breakfast," she joked.

Reid smiled as he pulled the blanket around him tighter. "Thanks again Emily." he said softly.

Emily shrugged, "It's alright, call me if you need anything," She closed the door behind her as she went to her own bedroom.

"Goodnight," he whispered.

Reid stood there and listened and waited, almost holding his breath. There was nothing but a still beautiful silence. He slowly exhaled and set about getting ready for bed. He put on his boxers and t-shirt and climbed between the soft cotton sheets. He left the light on and it wasn't long before he was blissfully sound asleep....at least for the next few hours, before the nightmares found him again.

&&&&&&&&&&&

Prentiss didn't think about the reasons Reid was there, she did think it was rather nice to have someone else in the house for a change. She too fell asleep shortly after her head hit the pillow. She was in the middle of a rather pleasant dream when she heard the scream. At first she thought it was coming from outside. She switched on her light, her heart pounding, she listened and then once again she heard another anguished yell, it was Reid. She jumped out of bed and ran towards his room. She threw open his door to the brightly lit bedrooom. She saw him crouched at the top of the bed, his hands splayed in front of him, his eyes wide with terror.

"Reid, what's wrong?" Prentiss hurried to the bed and grabbed both his hands and tried to get his attention. It was as if she wasn't there. His glassy terrified eyes were staring at something just past her shoulder. She realized then he wasn't even awake.

"Reid! it's me Emily. wake up!" she ordered.

He was no longer yelling but still seemed to be trapped in his nightmare.

"Over there, it's over there," he said, his voice barely a whisper.

Prentiss had to resist the urge to look behind her, it would be too easy to get caught up in his fear. She took him firmly by the shoulders and gave him a good shake.

"REID, YOU NEED TO WAKE UP NOW!"

She felt the tension easing from his shoulders and he turned to look at her, recognition slowly returning to his eyes "Emily?" he looked around the unfamiliar room, utterly confused.

"Spencer, you had a bad dream, it's alright you're safe," her voice was gentle now. She let go of him.

Reid rubbed his hands over his face and groaned, "I'm so sorry, I can't believe I did that, forgive me," She pulled his hands away so she could look him in the eye.

"Hey, it was a bad dream, everybody has them," she didn't add that not everybody accompanied their dreams with blood curdling screams.

"I should go home," he said wearily.

"Forget it, it's three in the morning. What did you dream anyway?"

He looked away." I'd rather not say,"

She wasn't going to press, instead she said, "Ok, well c'mon then, get out of bed, you'll sleep in my room with me,"

"What?" he looked at her as if she'd lost her mind.

"Don't look at me like that Reid. I have a king sized bed, we'll both sleep better." She stood and pulled on his hands. He let himself be led to her room. He settled himself on the far side of her bed while she reset her alarm clock.

"Oh, by the way, I can't sleep with the lights on," she told him.

"Can you leave the hall light on?" he asked in an almost childlike manner.

This made her smile, "Sure,"

She climbed into bed and switched off the light. The only problem now was she was wide awake. She turned over on her side, she could see his profile in the dim light.

"Hey, don't tell Morgan or Garcia about this or we'll never hear the end of it," she said, hoping to lighten the mood.

"I wont," he whispered.

Despite his embarassment about his nightmare and the strangeness of being in a bed with Prentiss, Reid felt himself begin to relax. A state he thought impossible a mere ten minutes ago. She made him feel safe. He wondered why.

Emily continued to watch him as he lay there. She watched the rise and fall of his chest and saw that his breathing had slowed down from the near panic state he was in before.

She thought it was going to be so strange when the new guy started at the BAU. A different face on the other side of her desk. She wasn't sure why but having an actual replacement made everything so much more real. She hoped it was only a short term arrangement. She felt a tug at her heart.

"Reid?" she said.

"Yes," he murmured.

"Everythings ok, isn't it? I mean with your treatment, it's working well, you're getting better?" A small seed of doubt began to form in her mind, maybe he wasn't responding to treatment and that was the reason he was acting so odd.

Spencer could hear the worry in her voice. He weighed the benefits of telling her against the cons of just staying quiet. He really didn't want to burden them with anymore of his problems and of course, he wasn't really sure of what was happening to him to begin with. There was one horrible explanation and that one he wasn't ready to face, at least not yet.

"The treatments are going well, it's tough but my doctors are optimistic." answered Reid, that part was true.

"That's good, I'm glad," she thought it was a rather pat answer but she didn't detect a lie in it.

She wanted to reach over and touch his hand but refrained in case it seemed inappropriate. Prentiss wondered if she were experiencing some sort of counter transference. She found herself thinking about Reid even when he wasn't around. It bothered her, she felt it was unprofessional. It had to be the stress of worrying about him. She propped herself up on one elbow and studied his face. She was relieved to see he had fallen asleep. She lay back down and tried to put her worries and feelings about Reid into a box. She had only a few more hours to rest and she would have to get up and meet Rossi. Emily closed her eyes and flipped over on to her right side to get into a more comfortable position and within minutes she too was fast asleep.

&&&&&&&&&&&

When Reid woke up the next morning he was a little disoriented but otherwise it was probably the best sleep he'd had since he was in Las Vegas visiting his mother. He could smell the rich aroma of freshly brewed coffee wafting up from the kitchen and could hear the shower running in the next room. He lay there not wanting this feeling of contentment to end. His head felt clear, and he even felt a little bit hungry. He didn't remember his nightmare from last night very well, only Emily allowing him to sleep in her bed for comfort. Maybe the things he thought he had heard and seen was just his fear and worry manifesting itself. He knew enough about psycology to know how powerful the mind was.

His treatments were coming to an end in the next two months. Reid dared to feel hopeful. Maybe his nightmares were finally coming to an end, especially if he could forget them so easily. This thought made him happy. He snuggled into the soft bed, enjoying the warmth and how clean the sheets smelled. Today was a better day, there would be no nightmares today.

His nightmares were only just beginning.

TBC

AN: Are you guys are still hanging in there? I appreciate all your reveiws and comments. It is a great motivater. Thanks for your patience as well, since I always take longer than I mean to to update the chapters. I'm afraid poor Reid has a bit more in store for him, Hope you can stand it. Please read and review.


	25. Chapter 25

**Shadows and Mirrors**

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds.

_'Courage consists, not in blindly overlooking danger,but in seeing and conquering it.'~Jean Paul Richter_

Rossi and Prentiss had tried to interview the victims father, The man was such an hopeless drunk they were unable to ascertain any information from him, other than he had not seen his son in 28 years. They hoped to have better luck interviewing the victim's ex girlfriend. Rossi suggested they head back to Quantico to pick up some photos and files before they talked to the woman.

The last thing they expected to see when they entered the bullpen was Spencer Reid sitting at his desk with a bewildered look on his face. He was rifling through his desk drawers. Penelope Garcia stood beside him. She looked relieved when she saw Prentiss and Rossi.

"Reid I'll be right back to help you, ok?" Garcia said to him. Reid nodded.

She quickly made her way to Rossi and Prentiss before they could reach Reid's desk.

"Guys, you gotta help me here," She said in an panicked whisper.

"Why, what's wrong? " Rossi asked.

"It's Reid, he showed up here about half an hour ago, at first I thought he just came by for a visit, then he sat down and he was talking like he was still working here,"

The two profilers glanced over at Reid who was searching through his almost empty desk.

"Are you sure?" asked Rossi.

Yes, I asked how his time off was and he looked at me like I was the deluded one, I'm worried, he's not behaving like himself"

"What do you want us to do?" said Prentiss. She was puzzled, Reid had seemed fine this morning when she dropped him off at his apartment

"Get him out of here, if you look in Hotch's office you'll see the reason why...look!"

Emily and Rossi looked in the direction Garcia motioned to. Hotch was standing behind his desk with his ever present deep scowl and his arms crossed over his chest. There in front of him stood their formidible section chief Erin Strauss. She was looking directly at Hotch and hadn't yet noticed Reid busily rumunging through his desk.

The two understood immediately. Emily went over to Reid and held out her hand to him. "C'mon Reid, Rossi and I need to interview someone, we need your help." she said.

Rossi hurried into his office and retrieved the files they needed and met up with Emily.

"Are you coming Reid?" he said in a rush, whilst keeping an eye on the door to Hotch's office.

"Um yeah, I guess so." Reid said, suprised at their sudden desire to leave. Emily grabbed him by the arm and the three of them hurried to the elevators before Strauss could see them. The last thing Reid needed was to be seen by Strauss in this fragile mental state. The doors opened and the three stepped in.

"Where are we going," Reid was heard saying as the doors closed.

Garcia breathed a sigh of relief . She wondered if she should tell JJ and Morgan about Reid when they returned. After some careful thought she decided to keep this to herself for a while. The less people that knew the better. What had really freaked her out was when Reid had asked about Elle and Gideon as if they were still there.

She needed to get back to her computers where everything made sense. The thought that her baby profiler might be losing it, after all he had been through broke her heart.

xxx

Reid sat in the backseat of the SUV. The files were on his lap and he was giving them his full attention. The three profilers said very little to one another. Reid thought there was nothing out of the ordinary going on and Rossi and Prentiss felt they couldn't speak in front of him. They had decided to take him on their interview with them.

Prentiss pulled the SUV into the parking lot of a small medical building where the ex girlfriend of the last victim worked. The three entered a small pristine office with numerous diplomas on the wall. A young woman in a lab coat greeted them. She was a pretty blond with a round face and an engaging smile. She was expecting them, she asked the profilers to sit down and offered them tea.

"No thanks Miss Epstein, we would like to discuss your former boyfriend Les Lowell," Rossi began.

The woman's expression darkened. "Yes, I was told yesterday, poor Les. " she said sadly.

"We were hoping you could help us" said Prentiss.

"Me, how? We broke up six months ago."

"Is there a problem Amy?" A short balding man came out of the back room and stood beside her.

"No honey, this is the FBI. They're asking me about Les." She turned to the two agents. "This is Harry Collier, my boss and my boy friend."

They noticed the man blush at the word boyfriend. Amy seemed like she had just noticed Reid standing slightly behind his colleagues. Her expression changed. She leveled a hostile gaze his way.

"Miss Epstein, do you know if Les had any enemies or problems in his personal life?." asked Rossi.

Amy took her eyes away from Reid. "No, I hadn't seen him in six months, since we broke up. He was a shallow vain man. I wouldn't be surprised if he was involved with the wrong type of people." she said as she crossed her arms and went back to glaring at Reid.

"What do you mean?" Emily asked.

"I mean, substance mean't very little to him, looks were more important. It mattered little how bad or immoral the person was, as long as they looked good on his arm." she said, her voice dripping with distain.

Rossi and Prentiss exchanged looks. It seemed obvious this bitter woman was not going to tell them anything of use.

"Thank you, Miss Epstein, we'll be in touch." Said Rossi.

Prentiss handed her a card."Please call if you remember anything," The three agents left the office. They were no more than 30 feet away when they heard her call them back.

"Excuse me, agent Reid is it? Might I speak to you for a minute...alone"

All three agents were suprised, especially her choice of Reid. Her Icy stares had not gone unnoticed. Reid walked over to the woman, Prentiss and Rossi watched as he listened to her. This time she was not only friendly, she was openly flirting. Rossi noted the tossing of the hair and the way she stood in Spencer's space, almost touching him. Finally they saw Reid take his card out of his wallet and hand it to her. He returned to his two colleagues.

"What the hell was that about?" whispered Emily.

"Yeah, I thought she was gonna pick you up and put you in her purse." added Rossi.

Reid shrugged his shoulders in a disinterested manner he seemed to have adopted lately," She asked if she could have my case she remembered something."

Is that all?"said Rossi.

Reid sighed "She also asked if I'd like to go for a drink sometime."

Prentiss spun around in her seat "You're kidding, she was practically throwing daggers at you with her eyes, now she wants to go out with you,"

"So much for her boyfriend/ boss, you must be her type." Rossi said.

"If her type is tall emaciated guys." muttered Reid.

Rossi didn't comment instead he picked up his cell and put a call in to Hotch. When he hung up he turned to Prentiss and said

"Hotch wants us back at Quantico, he says we need to prepare a profile. Reid, we're taking you home first."

"No!" Reid said.

"Reid, I don't mind you there but Strauss has been lurking all day. It's better if we took you home.

"No, I want to go to Quantico," he said.

"Reid, we really think it's..."Prentiss began

"Take me to The BAU...please" his voice taking on a more pleading tone.

Rossi turned and regarded the young man in the back seat. It was as if he and Prentiss were dealing with a willful child.

"Ok, but Reid you must understand, you _are_ on sick leave right now."

"Yes I know, I have cancer,'' he said testily.

The rest of the ride was in silence until Rossi parked the SUV in the garage.

"Rossi?" Reid said, his voice now timid.

"Yeah, what is it?"

"I was just at an interview with you guys, we talked to the victims girlfriend. We did do that right? " The fear in his voice was almost tangible. Emily turned to him and squeezed his hand.

"Yes Reid we just did that" she reassured him. Her and Rossi exchanged worried looks.

He leaned back in his seat and nodded his head "Good, good." he said, more to himself than to anyone.

The three agents got out of the car and made their way to the elevators. Once they reached the sixth floor, Prentiss and Rossi were surprised when Reid said he wanted to see Garcia. He gently tapped on her door and walked in.

Garcia spun around in her chair and smiled at him .

"Sweetstuff you've come for a visit?"

"No, I need you to look these up for me," he handed her some notes he had been taking while he was in the car.

Garcia didn't hesitate, within minutes the information he needed was right in front of him. Garcia stared at the photos in front of her.

"Well I'll be damned " she said quietly. "Reid, how did you know?"

"I didn't, it was something Rossi said, now I just need to make a quick call" He took his cell out and made the call. It was the final piece of the puzzle.

The rest of the team sat around the round table of the conference room. It was quite a surprise when they were joined by Reid and Garcia. Rossi and Prentiss glanced at each other, fearful Reid was going to exhibit some strange behavior in front of Hotch who then would be forced to deal with it.

"What's going on babygirl?" asked Morgan.

Garcia set down her lap top and told everyone Reid had something to show them. The images on Garcia's computer were now appearing on the screen on the wall. It was a picture of Amy Epstein.

Reid stood up and began to speak "This is our unsub," He stated.

Hotch frowned at him "How do you know?" he asked.

The photos changed to three separate pictures of the victims. Reid pointed to the first one."Les Lowell was her ex boyfriend, they broke up six months ago, judging from Amy's interview today it would seem he had left her for someone else, someone more attractive,"

"Sadly, that happens a lot Reid, doesn't make her a murderer." Said JJ.

Look at the second picture, It's a playbill from 3 years ago. Local theatre doing "Arms and The Man" a George Bernard Shaw festival"

"I see that the second victim Lance Barton is the star." said Rossi.

"Yes but look closer, look at the woman in the backround. Garcia, could you magnify it please?" Reid asked.

The picture was enlarged and there in period costume was none other than Amy Epstein billed as Amy Evers.

Prentiss leaned forward. "She knew the second victim too!" she said, excitment in her voice.

Garcia magnified the next picture. This time the picture was a college graduation photo dated five years back.

"Lets play where's Amy," said Garcia.

"Never Mind that," said Morgan as he read the caption "The Prof in the photo is none other than our first victim Harvey Elridge, just a little younger and thinner than his recent pics and he's standing next to Amy. "

"There's our connection," said Rossi ."But what did I say that made you suspect her?"

"You mentioned that I must be her type. When I thought about it, I was. All of these men were tall and thin with brown hair and dark eyes."

"Yup, they all looked like runway models" quipped Garcia.

"When I went to the interview with Rossi and Prentiss, she glared at me like she dispised me, minutes later when I spoke to her alone; she flirted and asked me out. I called her ten minutes ago and she asked me to meet her at a house. Garcia and I checked the address, the house is vaccant. I said I would meet her, now if you go there you'll probably find she has a murder kit in her posession, most likely something stolen from her new boyfriend's lab."

"But she knew these other guys, besides the physical resemblance, why you?" asked JJ.

"My guess is she's devolving, she feels us getting close," offered Rossi.

"Yes, I believe that's right," Reid tried to suppress a yawn,"You would have figured this out yourselves, " Reid said.

Suddenly he felt very tired. He sat down on the sofa and leaned his head back and closed his eyes.

Hotch wasted no time into springing into action.

"Garcia, fax the address to Detective Cahn and ask that he meet us there with a squad car. Rossi, you and Prentiss come with me; we're going over there now. Morgan, you take care of Reid. "

Reid lifted his head "Don't you want me there?"

"Reid you've earned your paycheck today, go home, rest." Hotch said as he strode out of the room.

Spencer did not argue, he just wanted to sleep. Morgan patted his arm.

"C'mon prettyboy, you can nap when you go home, I'll even tuck you in," Morgan joked.

"Prentiss let me sleep with her." he murmured.

Morgan paused for a moment and shook his head. "You're dreamin kid."

Morgan pulled the young man to his feet and the two of them left the BAU offices.

xxx

No sooner had Reid and Morgan entered Reid's apartment when Morgan's cell buzzed.

"Morgan here" he said.

"Morgan, It's Rossi, are you still with the kid?"

"Yeah we just got in, we stopped to pick up some food,"

"Tell Reid we caught her and he was right. She had a gun and a syringe full of something we have to get tested, Tell him he did good,"

"Thanks Rossi I will,"

"Oh and Morgan, I think it might be a good idea if you stayed with him for a little while."

"Ok , why?"

"He was acting a little strange with Prentiss and I this afternoon, company might be good for him."

"Sure, I'll talk to you later."

Morgan watched his friend across the room. Reid was taking the chinese food out of the bags and setting out some plates, Morgan smiled when he saw Reid toss the chopsticks into the other room and set forks down.

Reid looked up at him and motioned for him to sit.

"Morgan c'mon, it's geting cold."

"Yes mom," he joked.

The two men sat down at Reid's small dining table and Derek started filling their plates. He made sure Spencer got the extra spring roll and was careful to load up Reid's plate with all the things he really liked. He was still scarily thin and Derek was determined to put a few pounds on him.

"Whoa whooa, Morgan enough already, I can only eat so much," Reid said as he covered his plate with his hands.

"I want to see you make a good dent in that." Morgan ordered as he pointed to Reid's food and again wondered when he had started turning into his mother. He looked at Reid and saw that the young profiler didn't really seem to mind Morgan's fussing; in fact he looked rather amused by it.

The two began to eat. Morgan told him about Rossi's call and how Reid had been right about the unsub. He also told him he might like to stay for awhile after dinner, maybe watch a DVD. Spencer seemed pleased with the idea.

"Ya know, this is kind of nice, It's been a while since the two of us have hung out together." Morgan said between mouthfuls of food

"You mean other than visiting me in the hospital or holding my head out of the toilet bowl after chemo." said Reid.

"Hey, those were fun too." He deadpanned.

Reid laughed. Morgan watched him push his dinner plate away. It was barely half finished. He held his tongue, Reid was in such a good mood he didn't want to spoil it by nagging. Whatever strange behavior Rossi saw, it wasn't here now.

After dinner Morgan made coffee and insisted Reid relax on the couch while he put he put the DVD on. With the food put away and coffee poured, Morgan settled himself on the other end of the couch. He felt Reid's eyes watching him.

"What?" he said.

"I just didn't realize how domestic you were," Reid said with a smirk on his face.

"Shut up and watch the movie." Morgan growled as he tossed a throw cushion at Spencers head.

Reid ducked but did as he was told. About 45 minutes into the movie Morgan looked and saw that his friend had fallen fast asleep. He reached over and gently lifted his long lanky legs onto the couch. Reid barely stirred. Derek grabbed the comforter off the back of the sofa, and laid it over Reid's shoulder's. He looked so impossibly young when he was sleeping and so peaceful.

Morgan made himself comfortable at the opposite end of the couch and went back to watching the film. It wasn't long before he too was fast asleep.

Morgan didn't know what woke him but for a few seconds he felt that feeling of disorientation most people have when they awaken someplace different. He glanced at the clock and saw it was 4:30 in the morning. There was a faint hum coming from the TV, the screen blank as the movie had finished hours ago. He realized Spencer was no longer sleeping at the end of the couch. Morgan sat up quickly, alarmed. Logic told him that Reid had probably just gone to bed. His profiler instincts told him otherwise.

"Reid?" he said loudly.

He heard a soft whimper coming from the corner of the living room. He peered around the room and saw Spencer sitting on the floor, knees drawn up to his chest, his hands covering his ears. Morgan hurried over and knelt in front of him.

"Reid," he said.

Reids eyes were scrunched tight and he flinched at the sound of Morgan's voice.

"Reid what's wrong?" he said more gently this time, He tried to pull Spencer's hands away from his ears.

Reid gave a startled yelp and jumped to his feet "Go away, leave me alone."

"Reid, it's me Morgan, open your eyes, I think you're having a bad dream, wake up."

Reid tried to back away from him but only met the wall.

Morgan watched his terrified friend, uncertain of what to do. He approached him slowly and spoke softly.

"Reid, open your eyes, it's only me Morgan, please Reid, you're kind of freaking me out, talk to me,"

Reid gingerly moved his hands away from his head and looked at Morgan through red swollen eyes. He was trembling with fear.

"That's it, see it's just me." He moved closer to Spencer til he stood only a foot away,"What's wrong? tell me."

"I can't Morgan."

"Try me."

Reid took a deep breath as if he were about to dive into a bottemless dark pool.

He looked away and began to speak in a small pain filled voice.

"I...I'm I'm hearing things... sometimes voices or whispers, sometimes I see things too, out of the corner of my eye. I see them at night. That's not all, I'm having trouble remembering stuff that's just happened, like whether I ate or not, Other times I'm not sure what's real"

Morgan felt an ice cold wave of fear wash over him. He tried not to react to Reid's words, he didn't want Reid any more upset than he already was.

"Reid, calm down, first of all, have you talked to a doctor about this?"

Spencer shook his head, "No, I was afraid. It started happening a little while ago. I hoped it was stress, that it would just go away, it didn't. I'm becoming like my mother."

His eyes looked beseechingly at Morgan. "What am I going to do?"

Morgan felt physically ill. "Look, you need to see someone..."

Reid was not listening, his eyes widened with fear. "Morgan, what if I do have schitzophrenia, what if I've gone through all of this, the cancer, the treatments, all of it for nothing. I'll lose my job, I'll lose everything, I can't fight this, I can't, there's no winning this one. I can't I can't!"

His voice was rising in pitch.

Derek knew hysteria when he saw it. Reid was shaking and sweating and was starting to hyperventilate. He quickly closed the gap between them and took Reid in his arms and held him tight.

"Calm down, shh, relax, listen to me, It's going to be alright." Derek soothed.

Reid's fear outweighed any objection to letting someone hold him. He gulped for air.

"You don't know that Derek, "

Derek rubbed his back in soothing circles. "Yes I do kid,"

"How?"

"Tomorrow we're going to see your Doctor and find out what the hell is going on," Morgan said.

"I'm not supposed to see my doctor til next week,"

Derek leaned his head back and smiled "He'll see you tomorrow, I guarantee it" He pushed the stray damp hair off Reid's face.

"And If it's bad news" Reid said.

"Then we'll deal with it, You know there are treatments, you wont be alone Spencer," Morgan said, using Reid's first name almost as a way to emphasize his point.

After a while Reid began to calm down, Morgan led him to the sofa and covered him with the blanket.

"Now get some sleep, I'll be right here, I'm not going anywhere."

"Coffee?" said Reid hopefully.

Morgan rolled his eyes "Later!"

Reid nodded and settled himself. Morgan once again tried to make himself comfortable at the end of the couch. This time he didn't fall asleep He sat and watched his friend sleep. He had no doubt of Reid's courage, he knew it to be almost boundless. What worried him was, would he himself be able to handle this. If what Reid feared was true would he be able to watch his friend go down that particular road.

He hoped so.

Fin.

AN: Oh boy, I must apologize for the long wait for an update. Real life has been unusually busy. Hoping to make the next update much sooner. Please read and review, let me know what you think.


	26. Watching and Waiting

**Watching and Waiting**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds. **Not even Reid.

'_In adversity a man is saved by hope'_~Menander.

For the second day in a row Derek Morgan sat in the waiting room of a Doctor's office. This time it was the office of Dr Bledsoe, Reid's oncologist. Yesterday they saw, Dr Strange, Reid's family doctor and a psychiatrist, Dr Patak. It would seem a team of people were treating Spencer. It hadn't been easy to get appointments with all these people on short notice but Morgan pulled some strings and he could be powerfully persuasive when he wanted to be, after all, this was for Reid, Reid was suffering. He had promised the man he had come to think of as his baby brother he would get him help.

Several nights ago Reid broke down and told Morgan about his problems with hallucinating, hearing voices, and memory loss. Derek tried not to show it but the thought of Spencer developing schizophrenia like his mother terrified him. It was an invisible enemy, one he didn't know how to fight. His profiling skills were utterly useless against such a formidible foe. Of course he couldn't tell Reid this; for Reid, he had to remain strong and tough.

He looked around at the bland decor of the waiting room. He realized this was Reid's life now. Sitting, waiting to see Doctors, strangers poking and prodding at him, enduring blood tests, cat scans, hospital gowns and cold metal tables. When they were away on a case, this was how Reid lived. Derek felt his eyes fill, how difficult this must be for someone like Spencer who could barely stand to shake hands with another person. The indignity and stress of it must be all encompassing.

Morgan felt a pain in his chest, he wondered if his heart was literally breaking for Reid. He knew such a thing was impossible, yet lately he had been plagued by dreams, bad dreams involving Reid. He would wake up in a cold sweat from them. They felt so real.

Derek shook himself, he didn't want to think about his nightmares. He had to stay positive, for his own sake as well as Reids. He had called Hotch a couple of days ago and requested a few days off. Morgan told him Reid needed his help, he didn't elaborate, he wasn't sure how much he could tell Hotch or even if there was really anything to tell. Hotch agreed, as long as they weren't needed out on the field. The team couldn't be two men short as Reid's replacement wasn't starting til Monday.

_Reid's replacement_, even saying those words left a bitter taste in his mouth. He had nothing against the man joining their team. He just wasn't Reid and he was an all too physical reminder of why Spencer wasn't there and what the future could possibly look like. Morgan shook himself again. He had to stop playing these worst case scenerios in his head, or he would drive himself crazy. He tried once again to focus on the 'Time' magazine article he held in his hand instead of reading the same paragraph over and over again.

xxx

Dr Bledsoe looked over his glasses at his young patient Spencer Reid. Spencer was a truly remarkable young man. The Dr had never met any one like him. The man could recite medical text verbatim as well as completely comprehend what it meant. He knew the statistics of his illness and his chances of recovery. The Dr also knew of the young man's family history and the horrific things he dealt with on a daily basis at his job, including the horrors that sometime overlapped into his own life. Yet here he sat looking years younger than his actual age. His large eyes filled with both fear and hope. waiting for some good news from the doctor.

"Spencer, I have consulted with both Dr Strange and Dr Patak and the three of us are in agreement on your course of treatment, now we just have to know if you agree as well"

Reid nodded, "Tell me, I need to know everything."

The Doctor continued "First of all as your oncologist, my first concern is your cancer treatment, as you know your test results have been positive, It seems we are on the right course with the chemo. You have only two trearments left, correct?"

"Yes," said Reid.

"And are you coping with the side effects. Are the anti-emetics helping?" asked the doctor.

Reid couldn't help but wince at the memory of the last treatment. He had passed out vomiting, and nearly choked, sending poor Garcia into hysterics.

"I found it manageble," he said.

"Good good, we will stay with that drug, use the anti-emetics when you need them. However, we have been giving you another drug to increase your appetite since you were becoming mildly anorexic. We will discontinue it in case it is contributing to your problem."

Reid was becoming impatient. "I'm fine with all that, I just need to know whether I'm losing my min..."

The physician put his hand up. "Hold on we'll get to that. Now I was speaking with your personal physician. Your brain scans showed no sign of a tumour. So we can rule that out. he also said your bedsores have healed so he is taking you off the antibiotics you have been on the last few months. The infections are gone. He just wants you to be careful, Stay away from alcohol."

Spencer started rocking back and forth in his chair, he couldn't help it.

"What did Dr Patak say?" Reid barely croaked out. His mouth felt as dry as dust. There was a reason Bledsoe was saving the pyshciatrist's report for last.

Dr Bledsoe stood up and sat in the chair across from Reid.

"Spencer," he said gently, "I have a feeling you know more about schizophrenia than I do."

Reid nodded, the doctor was correct. As a child he had naively believed if he learned everything about it, he could fix his mother. He knew differently now.

"So you know that there is no lab test that can absolutely diagnose schizophrenia, and you are past the age where it is usually genetically passed down." The doctor said.

"That doesn't mean It can't still happen," said Reid.

"Yes, but if you were displaying clinical symtoms for six months or more, we might be more worried. We don't want to misdiagnose you or just feed you antipsychotic meds that have side effects that can closely resemble the more negative symptoms of scitzophrenia."

The doctor looked down at his report "Dr Patak wants to take you off the antidepressants. Spencer, there have been cases where there have been extremely rare side effects of visual and auditory hallucinations and memory loss caused by this particular SSRI antidepressant. Let me stress how rare this is. Dr Patak has never had a patient experience these set of symptoms in all the years she has prescribed this drug, but that doesn't mean you couldn't be the first."

"I'll go off them immediately" he said, excited at the prospect that it might be a drug that was causing his problems.

"No not so fast, even though the drug has a long half life, we sort of need to wean you off them, ok, cut the dosage in half for a week, cut it a quarter after that and then stop it completely. Then we'll keep a close eye on you. The doctor said as he stood up.

Reid took that as his cue to leave, but he felt better, he felt hopeful again.

"See you next week Spencer, don't hesitate to call if you need to."

Reid nodded and gave a little goodbye wave and left the office in a much better spirits than when he went in. He went out to the reception area, Morgan was waiting for him.

xxx

As soon as Morgan saw Spencer step into the room he knew the news had to be good. He carried himself a little differently, like a huge load had been removed from his shoulders.

"Ready to go home," asked Morgan. He knew Reid would talk when he was ready.

Reid merely nodded and it wasn't until they were driving home that he explained to Morgan everything the Doctor had told him.

Morgan felt relieved, he knew as well as Reid did that he was hardly out of the woods yet, but at least there was hope.

Reid looked at his friend with gratitude."I just want to thank you, for doing all this for me. I don't know how I'll ever repay you,"

Morgan threw him a look "You can repay me by getting better, We miss you around the office, who else can we unload all the paperwork on?" Morgan joked.

Reid laughed. "How about Prentiss?"

"Naw, that woman can kick down a door as good as me, I can only imagine what she'd do to my ass,"

The two profilers bantered back and forth like this til they reached Reid's apartment. When they got in Morgan noticed how tired Spencer looked. The younger man flopped down on his couch slightly out of breath.

"Maybe you should take a nap Reid, Its been a long couple of days." said Morgan.

Reid nodded in agreement. He got up to go to his bedroom when he turned to Morgan.

"I know I said this before, but thank you. I know there is a chance I might be developing schizophrenia and all the pills have nothing to do with what's happening to me. But thank you for helping me. Today in the car was the first time I felt normal in months."

Derek smiled at him."I told you before, no thanks are needed, now would you please take your skinny ass to bed," he scolded

"Fine, I'm going." he said, pretending to be mad. Reid went to his room and laid down on his bed and fell into a deep dreamless sleep.

Morgan checked on him and made sure he was asleep before he picked up his cell and made a call. There was someone Reid needed to see.

xxx

Two hours later Garcia arrived at the door with several bags in her hand. Morgan let her in, the two spoke in whispers.

Garcia put her bags down and peeked in the bedroom at Reid. "He looks so sweet," she whispered.

Morgan motioned to her to come into the kitchen.

"Babygirl, did you get it?" he asked.

Garcia frowned at him. "Of course, I got it, I just don't know if this is the best idea,"

"I think it might help him," he told her.

She cast a worried glance towards the bedroom "I hope you're right"

xxx

TBC.

AN: I was worried this chapter might be a little dull since there was a lot of Reid yakking with his Doctor. So please read and review and let me know what you think.


	27. Love and Lessons

**Love and Lessons**

**Disclaimer: I do not own criminal minds. **

_**'Never injure a friend , even in jest'~ **_**Cicero**

Derek was dreaming. He was dreaming about Reid again. He hated these dreams, for in them Reid was either buried or dying and Derek was helpless to help him. This nightmare was particularly loathsome. Tonight even his long dead father made an appearance. Derek could see his father dressed exactly the same as the night he was fatally shot. This time his dad stood with his arm around Spencer Reid shaking his head and saying.'_What were you thinking? you couldn't help either of us. I'm so disappointed in you Derek.'_

Reid then slowly raised his head to look directly at Morgan and both his eyes were missing. Just two sickening black holes.

Morgan awoke with a start. He looked around his bedroom as if he were afraid he would still see his dead father and the eyeless Reid. He flopped back down on his pillow the moment he realized it was just another bad dream. His relief was short lived when he remembered the events of the previous evening. What had started out as a promising night with friends, ended with Spencer Reid telling him to _fuck off and leave him alone_.

xxxx

Reid sat across from Dr Patak. He tapped hs foot nervously as she regarded him with such intensity that it unnerved him. He was pissed off and certainly wasn't in the mood to be unnerved. He felt horrible; yesterday had been a horrible day. He had received an unexpected surprise, if that's what it could be called and had basically told his best friend to fuck off.

He was still angry at Derek, plus he was pissed that the day before every chemo he had an appointment to see Dr. Patak, She wanted him to discuss his feelings, this was the last thing he wanted to do. It was like some kind of emotional enema they forced him to endure. The doctor continued to study him, her face was calm as she sat with her hands clasped serenely in front of her.

"You seem agitated today Spencer, do you want to talk about it?" she asked.

Reid rubbed his temples, he was starting to get a headache. "Well, I have my second to last chemo tomorrow, I'm off my other drugs and frankly I feel like shit." he replied in a uncharacteristic terse manner.

The doctor tilted her head. "Yes, but I get the feeling there is something else going on."

Reid glared at her.'_Damn, she's good'_ he thought.

"You should be a profiler," he told her."You could just deduce what's bothering me."

The Doctor leaned forward and offered him a gentle smile "Or maybe you could just tell me."

Reid looked down at his lap, his nervous hands worrying the hem of his sweater. He thought he might as well tell her.

"I'm upset with something one of my colleagues did, He had no right." he said.

"Which colleague?" she asked. She saw Spencer drawing in to himself as if he wanted to make himself smaller.

"Derek Morgan" he said, his voice barely above a whisper.

"I can't hear you Spencer, please speak up."

"DEREK MORGAN!"

She saw the flash of anger in his eyes. "Derek Morgan, your friend; the one who helps you all the time ?"

"Yes, the one who helps me all the time" he repeated.

"Perhaps you should talk about it"

Reid closed his eyes as he pictured the events of the previous evening, clear as a bell as usual. He sighed and began to recount his humiliating night at Morgan's house.

xxxxx

20 hours earliar.

Reid arrived on time for Morgan's barbecue. At first he told him that he really wasn't up to socializing but Derek had seemed particularily insistent that Reid come to his house for dinner. He promised Reid it wasn't going to be a big deal. The only other people coming were Garcia and Emily. Reid agreed to be there. He knew what it was about. It was, '_time to feed Dr Reid.' _He was going to have his chemo in a couple of days and it seemed that the team took turns in topping him up with food just before every treatment. It was annoying sometimes but he knew their heart was in the right place.

He was met immediately by both Garcia and Morgan at the door. They were in usual form, simitaneously, flirting and verbally sparring with each other. They reminded Reid of an old married couple. Garcia hustled him into the kitchen and put a large glass of something that looked like a milkshake in his hand. Reid took a drink and nearly spat it back out.

"Garcia, what the hell is in this?" Reid sputtered.

Garcia grinned at him "Everything that's good for you my dove, plus a healthy shot of vodka. Now drink up or no dessert."

"Hey, don't threaten my boy, he's gotta save room for these babies," Morgan held a platter of huge steaks under Reids nose.

Reid tried to give an appreciative smile but felt his stomach lurch a bit at the sight of the raw meat. Morgan set the steaks down and insisted they sit and relax with their drinks. Reid thought the two of them were acting a little odd. He soon had no doubt of it when minutes later the doorbell rang and they both nearly jumped out of their seats.

"I'll get it," said Garcia as she hurried out of the room.

Morgan gave him a nervous grin. "Reid we have something to tell you."

'_Ok here it is, why are the two of you acting so wierd and manic? _" Reid thought.

Morgan looked as if were about to speak when he heard Prentiss's laughter behind him.

"Hey, you three started without me. Hang on, let me pour myself a glass of wine and I'll catch up" she said.

Prentiss, was exactly like she always was, whatever was going on had nothing to do with her. Emily sat down at the table. She seemed relaxed and happy but Spencer noted there was still something off about Morgan and Garcia. He noticed they made no attempt to prepare or cook anything. It was as if they were waiting for somebody else to show up. No sooner did he have this thought when the doorbell rang again.

Prentiss appeared surprised. "You expecting another person?" she asked, popping a corn chip into her mouth.

Morgan and Garcia exchanged nervous glances. "Kinda," Garcia answered "It's a surprise for Reid."

Reid looked at Prentiss and shrugged. "It's news to me too." He told her. He tried to sound nonchalant but he was actually a little anxious. The doorbell rang once more.

"Are you going to get it?" asked Emily.

This time Morgan and Garcia jumped up together and hurried to the door.

"Must be something good." Emily said lightly. She smiled reassuringly at Reid and gave his hand a squeeze. There were quiet voices coming from the other room, too quiet for Reid to distiguish one from the other. There was a familiarity about one that sent a small wave of fear throughout his body. He didn't turn around when he heard the footsteps behind him. He saw the look of surprise and confusion on Emily's face.

"Reid, there's someone here you haven't seen in a long time," he heard Garcia say.

Spencer slowly stood up and turned around and then he saw her.

"Spencer, " she said. She smiled at him, her voice soft with a trace of nervousness in it. .

It was Austin, the girl he met in Georga. The one he had stopped calling when he discovered he had cancer. She stood there looking prettier than he remembered. Her large bright green eyes looking nowhere but at him.

Reid couldn't move. He felt like he had taken root to the floor. Suddenly he felt extremely aware of his appearence. They had not seen each other in months. He was thirty pounds lighter plus his hair had thinned so much his scalp was visible. He felt like some pale boney creature that should be on exhibit at the zoo. Austin walked up to him, put her arms around his shoulders and gave him a gentle hug.

"Derek told me everything, I had to see you," She whispered into his ear.

"Austin." he whispered. He couldn't hug her back. He felt too shellshocked. How could they do this to him?. He cut it off with her so she wouldn't see him this way.

Austin let him go and stepped back, puzzled at his lack of response.

Spencer looked at the faces of Morgan and Garcia, Prentiss merely sat there with her mouth hanging open. Finally finding his voice Reid started backing away

"I...I have to go upstairs " he stammered. He quickly turned on his heels and moved faster than he had in months. Spencer ran into Derek's bedroom and slammed the door. He became overwhelmed by nausea and scrambled quickly to Derek's ensuite bathroom and fell to his knees in front of the toilet. He retched several times into the bowl but nothing came up. He knew it was just nerves. He heard the bedroom door open and Derek's voice.

"Reid, are you in here?"

Reid stood up on shakey legs and walked over to the bed. He saw Morgan standing there looking none too happy.

"Reid, what the hell do you think you're doing?" Morgan demanded.

Spencer's eyes widened "What_ I'm _doing? are you kidding me, whatever posessed you and Garcia to bring Austin here?" He shot back.

"Don't blame Garcia, it was all my idea, she just got Austin's address for me,"

Reid gaped at his friend; he couldn't believe Morgan actually was angry with_ him._

"Morgan, what were you thinking?, I don't want to see her and I especially don't want her to see me like this" he said, gesturing at his body.

"Calm down and lower your voice. Since when do care about how you look? When I told her about your condition I don't think I could have stopped her from coming here."

"Really, then you shouldn't have told her, does she suddenly have a thing for skinny ugly guys with cancer? You had no right Morgan" Reid could feel his anger and his voice rising, he felt slightly dizzy and had to concentrate on not hyperventilating.

Morgan winced at Reid's words. "Reid," he said in softer tones "I'm sorry if this upset you. I really believed after all you've been through she might be what you need."

Spencer narrowed his eyes at his friend "What I need" he repeated, "oh I get it, this is all about sex, isn't it? You think she might take pity on me and and sleep with me. Dr Reid gets laid before he dies" Reid practically spat the words at Morgan. His body was starting to shake and he could feel the bile rising in his gut. He had to get out before his head exploded.

"No no no, Reid man, how can you say that.? Things have been horrible for you for months now. It's been one thing after the other. I just wanted to bring something good into your life, thats all, something positive."

Spencer wasn't listening anymore. If he stayed any longer he would either throw up or pass out. He headed towards the door. Morgan went after him and grabbed his arm.

"Reid, please stay, don't go like this."

Spencer pulled his arm out of Morgan's grasp and spun around and faced him.

With a look of fury Morgan had never witnessed before, Reid shouted "FUCK OFF AND LEAVE ME ALONE!"

By this time, the three women were standing in the foyer looking almost as shocked as Derek Morgan. They watched as Reid stumbled out into the street and hurried away. Garcia was about to follow him when Prentiss gently held her back.

"Let him go, he needs to be alone for awhile."

Morgan stood there staring after his retreating friend and wondered if he had made everything worse.

xxxxxxxx

Dr Patak sat with her lips pursed as she listened to her patient recount the story. This was upsetting. Spencer Reid was going in for chemo tomorrow and her patient had to retain a positive state of mind. Thay had taken him off his antidepressants and anxtiety medication. He had told her the auditory hallucinations were beginning to diminish. He did not need a setback like this. He needed to know that this too would pass. She chose her words carefully.

"Spencer, do you think Derek did this to hurt you?" she asked him.

Reid met her eyes, he was too smart not to know where this was going, "No of course not, it's the meddling, the lack of concern for my privacy or for what I want. I'm not a child. Don't I have a right to be angry?" he asked.

She smiled "Spencer, yes you do. Your friend overstepped, but remember it was out of love. Use that anger, tell the cancer to_ fuck off_"

Her use of profanity made Reid smile, a little of the tension left him, just telling her what happened seemed to lighten the load. He was still angry at Morgan but it didn't feel like the end of the world anymore. They continued to talk about his upcoming treatment and soon his hour was up. He thanked Dr Patak and left to go home.

XXXXXX

30 minutes later Reid was walking along the hallway to his apartment when he saw a woman sitting crosslegged in front of his door.

"Austin.' he said, surprised at seeing her. He had thought after yesterday she would have ran screaming back to Georga.

She stood up and brushed off her pants.

"I barely got a chance to see you Spencer and no they didn't send me. I think you scared the shit out of them yesterday."

Reid unlocked his door. "Come in,'' he said waving her into the apartment.

"I didn't mean to scare them." he said.

"Well maybe you should start returning their calls" she scolded

"Austin, why are you here?" Reid was tired and didn't really want to talk about yesterday anymore.

She walked up to him and looked into his eyes "I told you, I wanted to see you. Do you know how hurt I was when you suddenly stopped calling. I thought you were with another woman. Why couldn't you have told me the truth?"

Reid felt ashamed, he looked away from her "Look at me Austin, why would you want to get involved with a sick man?"

"Shouldn't I at least had the choice?"

"No, I wouldn't want you to hang around out of guilt or pity. I'm sorry I hurt you but it was the right thing to do,"

She slid her arms around his neck and leaned her forehead against his."Spencer, I want to be here for you,"

Reid gently pushed her away. This was too much for him. He thought of his chemo tomorrow and what followed.

"Go home Austin, I promise I will keep in touch, please." He looked at her with pleading eyes.

She didn't move, instead Reid turned around and went into the bathroom hoping that when he came out she would be gone. He felt exhausted, he thought he might as well get ready for bed he undid his shirt and checked for any new bruises or bedsores and felt around for lumps that might possibly be growing. Satisfied that none were, he brushed his teeth and washed his face. He didn't really want to go to bed since that made tomorrow come all that much sooner. He knew that was ridiculous since time didn't really work that way . Still, he thought he would force himself to eat some soup and watch a little tv. He listened at the bathroom door before he went out, his apartment was completely quiet. He was sure she must have left.

Reid walked into his bedroom and was slightly startled to find Austin sitting on his bed. He pulled his shirt together over his chest.

"Au...Austin I thought you left," he stammered.

She stood and walked toward him, it seemed to Reid she was moving in slow motion. She stopped in front of him and moved his hands away from his chest. She put her lips to his ear.

"You can't get rid of me that easy Spencer,"

He could feel the closeness of her body and her warm breath on his neck. He trembled slightly and when he spoke his voice came out in a squeak.

"This isn't right, you shouldn't... we shouldn't do this,"

She gave his neck a soft kiss and looked into his eyes, she moved even closer and ran her hands lightly down his chest causing him to shiver.

"I heard what you said to Morgan, I don't sleep with people out of pity. nor do I pity anyone who gets to sleep with me," she said coyly.

Her fingers began to trace light circles around his nipples in a way that made him gasp. She reached up and pushed his shirt up over his shoulders and arms til it landed on the floor. Her arms slid around his thin waist and held him closer. Spencer now half naked felt extremely exposed and self concious.

"I look horrible," he whispered.

She looked up at him "I think you're beautiful" she said. He felt her lips grazing the length of his neck, taking tiny nips along the way.

He stood there resting his hands on her hips. He closed his eyes and felt his body respond in ways he didn't think existed anymore. He enjoyed the ways her hands roamed his body. The scent of her hair and the softness of her touch almost made him dizzy. He couldn't fight her any more.

Over the past several months, he had dozens of strangers touching him, poking and prodding and sticking in tubes and needles. He was no stranger to touch or to nudity for that matter. Now he felt shy again.

Reid felt her hands leave him briefly, he opened his eyes to see her undoing the buttons on her blouse. She smiled at him as she dropped her shirt to the floor, next her soft fingers moved to his almost concave belly, Austin started to slowly undo his belt buckle. Gripped by an almost insatiable need to touch her, he grabbed her around the waist and pressed his lips to hers. A pleased moan escaped from her mouth as she parted his lips with her tongue. Time did seem to stand still as the outside world began to fall away.

XXXXXXxx

Emily Prentiss did not try to call Reid. He wasn't picking up his phone. Instead she decided she would drop by his apartment to checkup on him. She had never seen him as upset as he was yesterday and it worried her.

Emily was a little angry with Morgan. She knew he had a good heart and good intentions but she was all too familiar with the other people doing things for your own good scenario. Morgan mean't well and now he was a little heartbroken to think he had hurt Reid. Spencer would forgive him,. she was sure of it. She just needed to see if he was alright with her own eyes.

She stood outside his door knocking, there was no answer. She was getting a little scared. Reid had given each of his team members his apartment key for emergencies. Prentiss thought this might be one. Taking the key from her purse she unlocked the door and stepped into his apartment. There was no sign of Reid but his messenger bag sat on the table and his favourite running shoes were in the hall. Her heart began to beat a little faster when she heard a moan coming from the bedroom.

"Reid?" she called out softly. Again only silence, with trepidation she walked down the hall towards his room trying to prepare herself for what she might find.

Fin or TBC.

AN: Again my apologies for the long long time between updates. Writers block kind of got me. So if you haven't forgotten me, please read and review. Your feedback is always appreciated. Thank you.


	28. Profilers and Passion

**Profilers and Passion**

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds.

_'Never underestimate the power of denial'_ ~ Wes Bently

XXXXXX

The mood on the jet was subdued. The case had taken two days to solve. It was a kidnapping involving the family of a high profile politition. One that had to stay under wraps lest the press got hold of the story and spooked the unsub. An unsub who communicated soley by computer. His skills were extraordinary, but they were no match for the technical wizardry of Penelope Garcia. It was only a matter of time before they had the kidnapper in custody and the victim home safe with her family. As Morgan once said to Reid, _'In this job,it doesn't get much better than that.'_

Morgan and Garcia sat beside each other opposite Prentiss and JJ. The two senior profilers were several seats away seemingly engrossed in the files they each held in their laps. The new agent Steve Bennet was napping on the bench seat, a place usually occupied by Reid.

The mood was also one of relief. They had only one more hour before they landed and they could go home.

Garcia kept casting worried glances at Morgan, who was especially quiet. He had barely said three words to her since takeoff. She watched as Morgan stared out the window into the darkness of the night sky; she heard a heavy sigh escape his lips. Garcia, unable to take it anymore, turned and gave her friend a hard poke in the shoulder.

"Alright hotstuff, you've been in a mood the entire flight, what's wrong?" she demanded.

Morgan turned and gave her a sad smile, he was too tired to lie.

"It's really nothing babygirl, I'm just thinking about Reid. I think he's still angry. I haven't heard from him in days"

Garcia's expression softened. "Oh sweetie, I'm sure he's over the whole episode with Austin by now."

They heard JJ loudly clear her throat, they both looked at her, surprised to see a funny smirk on her face as she made a great show of pretending to be interested in the magazine on her lap.

Garcia knew her friend too well not to know something was up. "You ok Jage?" she said.

Morgan frowned "Did you hear from Reid?" he asked.

JJ tried to keep a straight face "Morgan, let's just say I wouldn't be surprised if Reid sent you a thank you card and a basket of muffins"

Prentiss shot JJ a hard look.

"What in the world are you talking about." he said confused

"JJ! " Prentiss said with a warning in her voice.

JJ just grinned at her."Oh c'mon Emily, I think Morgan deserves to know. He been beating himself up for days."

Morgan stared at both women."Would one of you please tell me what the hell is going on?"

Emily closed her eyes and leaned her head back against the seat. "JJ, I told you that in confidence."

"Told you what?" said Garcia, her eyes sparkling with excitment. "C'mon ladies, spill!" She leaned closer and noticed Emily's cheeks were beginning to redden _'This must be good "_ she thought.

Prentiss knew it was useless to try to deny their tech wizard really good gossip. She usually found out anyway.

"Garcia, let's just say it was absolutely mortifying. JJ can tell you about it," she replied.

Curious eyes turned to the pretty blond, who in turn peered down the aisle to make sure Hotch and Rossi were occupied. She lowered her voice.

"Emily went over to Reid's the other day, you know, to check on him," she said.

Morgan and Garcia both nodded, "Yeah ok," they said in unison.

"Well, she let herself into his apartment with her key and Austin was there. She was_ with _Reid."

JJ sat back and waited for their reaction. Emily covered her eyes with her hand and slowly shook her head. She wished she had kept her mouth shut.

Morgan's eyes widened in surprise. "Hey that's great, they got together."

JJ smirked. "They certainly did," she said.

Garcia began to understand what_ 'With Reid'_ mean't. A grin spread across her face.

"JJ, are you trying to say that Austin was _'with Reid_" Garcia made air quotes with her fingers. "...and Prentiss walked in on them?"

Morgan looked at the now red faced Emily. It was clear Garcia had hit the nail on the proverbial head.

"Is that true?" he asked.

Emily pursed her lips tightly and nodded afirmitively.

Morgan's jaw practically dropped into his lap. "You have got to be kidding me, that little son of a bitch. After all the shit he gave me and here he's at home doing the..." He stopped talking, Morgans indignation suddenly turned to laughter.

"I dont know whether to feel angry or proud," he laughed.

He gave Emily a big wink. "Got an eyefull did ya?."

"Were they completely naked?" asked Garcia.

Emily rolled her eyes. "Alright, before this gets out of hand, let me explain what happened."

So with an extremely eagar audience, Emily began to describe one of the most embarassing incidents of her life.

XXXXX

3 days earliar.

Reid felt like time had literally stood still. There was an surreal quality to everything that was happening. Here he was in his bedroom in a situation he had to admit he had imagined more than once. He was standing in his room half naked with a warm and willing Austin in his arms. His senses felt like thay were on overload. He could feel trembling but was unable to distinguish whether it was him or Austin.

Her small delicate hands roamed his body, her fingers caressing his shoulders while she pressed soft kisses to his face and neck. Spencers usual pale skin was flushed and he actually felt a little dizzy.

Austin gently pushed herself away from him, her eyes never leaving his. He watched as she undid her jeans and slowly pushed them down over her hips to the floor. She stepped out of them and got on his bed; she stood on her knees facing him. Without using any words she held out her arms and beckoned him to her. Spencer stepped into her embrace and once again claimed her mouth with his. His usually nimble fingers were shakey and fumbled awkwardly around her shoulder blades. He felt Austin smile against his mouth.

"The clasp is in the front honey," she whispered.

This almost made him laugh. He held her tighter and revelled in the sensation of her breasts pressed against him and the slight roundness of her belly against his. His heart began to flutter as her fingers returned to the waistband of his pants and very teasingly undid the top button in a way that made him gasp. Then in one fluid motion she reached behind him and grabbed on firmly to his ass, pulling him as close as possible. His desire and longing cancelled out any embarassment he might have felt. There was certainly no doubt now about how much she aroused him.

Austin moaned as she thrust her tongue deeper into his mouth. Reid responded in kind. However there was another sound he heard. It was a startled noise coming directly from the doorway. He turned his head to see a very shocked Emily Prentiss standing in his bedroom with her mouth hanging open. Austin gave a small yell and quickly grabbed a sheet off the bed to cover herself.

"Uh oh, oh no, Reid, I'm sorry " Stammered Emily as she backed out of the bedroom.

"What are you doing here?" asked an equally dismayed Reid.

"I... sorry. I thought... oh never mind," she was backed out into the hall now. She turned on her heel and hightailed out of the apartment as if being chased by Jack the Ripper himself.

"Emily wait." Reid grabbed his shirt off the floor and followed her out. He caught up with her in the hallway by the elevator.

"Emily, please stop, I'm not so fast these days," he panted.

Emily turned around to see an out of breath disheveled Reid with his shirt hanging open and an undone belt. She quickly averted her eyes, for her sake as well as his.

"Reid, I'm sorry, I was worried, that's the only reason I used my key."

He shook his head. "I'm sorry too Emily,"

She gave him a puzzled look. "Sorry, for what? Spencer, you're an adult. You're allowed to do adult... activities." She averted her eyes again as she saw him wince at her words.

Reid ran his hand through his hair. He was unsure of what to do or say. He had never had a co-worker walk in on him when he was about to have sex, or at least he was pretty sure he was about to have sex.

"Austin came over and well, it just happened." For some reason he felt a need to explain himself.

They heard a ding and the elevator doors opened, Emily stepped inside.

"Reid, let's just forget about it, ok?" She forced a smile.

Spencer watched the doors close. Emily was correct of course, he had done nothing wrong but why did he feel like he had been caught cheating.

As he returned to his room he found Austin waiting for him, still kneeling on his bed in her underware. He slunk down on the mattress. All he felt now was exhausted. Austin came up behind him and wrapped her arms around him. She brushed her lips against the back of his neck. He took her hand and softly kissed the inside of her palm.

"Austin, I'm sorry, I don't think I can ... you know." Spencer felt his cheeks burning with shame.

Austin tried to hide her disappointment and her irritation with Emily.

"It's ok," she planted a warm kiss on his shoulder. "Would it be alright if I stayed the night? We could just hold each other."

Reid was too tired to think of a reason not to, plus he rather liked the idea. Sometimes he hated being alone, his desease was so isolating and the nights were the worst. He nodded at her and shrugged off his shirt. Austin helped him off with his corduroys and he laid down on the bed clad only in his boxers. She snuggled down beside him and pulled the covers over the both of them.

"I do have pyjamas," he said absently.

"You don't need them, I'll keep you warm," She began to stroke his hair.

"That feels good," he mumbled.

"Shh, sleep." she whispered.

The evening had not played out the way she thought it would but still, it had ended the way she wanted it to, with Spencer Reid in her arms.

XXXX

Reid awoke the next morning feeling more rested than he had in a long time. He could smell coffee brewing and the empty space on the other side of the bed was still warm. Austin was humming some nameless tune in the other room and it made him smile. His contentment lasted a good two minutes before his memories from the last couple of days came back. The first thing he thought of was Emily and her ill timed visit. His stomach did a sickening flip, he also remembered today was chemo day. In a few hours he would be hooked up to an IV being pumped full of drugs.

His thoughts returned to Emily. She surely must think he is some kind of sex fiend and Austin must think he is the biggest dud in the world. For some reason he felt an irrational anger towards Morgan.

"Hey there, no frowning, I made us some breakfast," Austin scolded as she came into the room.

Reid looked up to see her carrying a tray with coffee and a plate of buttered toast. She carefully set it down and climbed back in bed with him. He sat up and picked up a coffee

"Thanks, this is nice," he said.

She was wearing one of his cardigans over her bra and panties. She bit into a piece of toast and smiled shyly at him.

"Austin, I have my chemo this afternoon." he blurted out

"Yes I know. I want to help you, to take care of you," she told him.

Reid closed his eyes. "Austin, I can't let you do that.I don't think you know what it entails"

She reached over and took his hand ."Then I'll learn," she said simply.

He squeezed her hand. "No Austin, I don't want to be unkind but I don't want you to be there. I never wanted you to see me like this"

"Spencer, I don't care about how you look."

"I'm not being noble, I'm being selfish if anything. I need to concentrate on me. I cant be worrying about if how I look or sound or smell disgusts you. I feel bad right now saying this, I don't want to hurt you."

"You're not hurting me." she said quietly.

Spencer heard her say the words but he could see in her eyes she was hurt. He wanted Austin to understand.

"Austin, sometimes I feel like I'm in this marathon race to the top of a really steep hill and the only way I can reach the top is to keep my sights on the finish line. If I fall down or let myself be distracted... even by something beautiful, I wont be able to start again; I wont make it. Does that make sense to you?"

Austin reached over and stroked his cheek. " Yes it does. Will you at least let me drive you to the clinic?"

He smilled. "I'd like that."

She leaned over and gave him a quick peck on the mouth. She moved the hair out of his eyes."Now Dr Reid, don't think I'm staying out of your life completely. I will call now and then and if you think last night was a mistake, you have rocks in your head,"

XXXXXX

Emily fastened her seatbelt for the jet landing. She had finished telling her colleagues about her Reid and Austin incident over half an hour ago. It wasn't as scandalous as JJ had inferred, in fact by the look on Reid's face when she got into that elevator; she was pretty certain her walking in on them was more like having a bucket of cold water thrown over you.

She still felt distressed over what happened and she knew if she were completely honest with herself, her dismay was more about how she really felt when she saw Reid with his arms around Austin. It wasn't embarassment so much as it was just plain and simple jealousy.

Jealousy, how the hell was she supposed to deal with that?

TBC.

AN:I know It's been a long wait. but please read and review. I really enjoy the feedback I get from you.


	29. Chapter 29

Hotch and Home

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds.

_'When love and skill work together, expect a masterpiece.'~ _John Ruskin.

Hotch was glad to be going home. He was tired and he was dying to get into his own bed and get some rest. He bade goodnight to the rest of his team as each got into their respective cars. Rossi gave him a smile and a wave as he drove off.

Rossi was probably thinking about the conversation overheard on the jet concerning Reid, the one the other team members thought he and Rossi couldn't hear. Hotch smiled to himself. His first thought had been_ good for you Spencer_, there was nothing wrong with a little physical comfort as long as both parties knew thats just what it was. He often wondered if that was what Haley was looking for when he himself was out of town so much during their marriage. Is that what made her turn to another man? He chased thoughts of Haley and her phantom lover out of his head. He knew it did no good to dwell on it now. In the end he had still loved his ex wife and now he only wanted Jack to to know about the love they had for each other and him.

His thoughts returned to Spencer. He remembered that Reid had his chemo two days ago and this was really the first time there wasn't someone staying with him, the entire team had been away. Of course Garcia. their resident mother hen had kept tabs on him and called frequently. Reid had assured them all he was doing fine. On the other hand he would say he was fine even if his arms were hanging off and a swordsman was threatening to circumcise him. Reid just never wanted to bother anyone.

That's why it came as a surprise when he got the call on his cell. It was from Reid's phone and unless it was work related he almost never called Hotch on his line.

"Hello." Hotch said.

"Hello, iz dis Meester Hotch?" a male voice asked.

At first he thought it had to be a wrong number or a prank, then he remembered it _was_ coming from Reid's phone.

"Yes Hotchner here."

"I call from Meester Spencer's phone. He need help."

Hotch's heart quickened a bit, was Reid in trouble?

"You say he need's help, what's wrong and who are you?." he asked in his usual stern manner.

"I am Telles, he very sick" the man answered in his thick accent.

"Are you his doctor?" Hotch asked.

"No, I am his grocer, he fall down in store, very sick."

Hotch was now getting into his car."Tell me where you are, I'll come right away. Does he need a ambulance?"

"He say no, won't go, want you."

Hotch was already pulling out onto the road, his adrenelin pumping, his fatigue now completely gone.

XXXX

In less than half an hour Hotch was pulling into the parking lot of a small grocery store. A mom and Pop type operation so rarely seen anymore. He quickly jumped out of his car and hurried into the store. A little bell attached to the door jingled announcing his arrival. The place was pretty well empty except for a heavy set woman behind the counter.

"I'm Aaron Hotchner," he announced to the woman. She nodded at him and yelled something in a foreign tongue to the back of the store. A small man with thick black hair and bushy eyebrows came out and hustled over to Aaron. He held out his hands.

"You are Meester Hotch, come diz way."

Hotch followed the small man to what appeared to be a office/storage room. He saw Reid sitting on a small stool with his head down and his arms wrapped around himself.

"Reid?" he said gently.

Reid looked up at him and gave him sort of a tentative smile. Hotch was struck with a sense of deja vu as he was reminded how Reid gave him that same smile when they had first discovered him sitting beside the dead body of Tobias Hankle. The memory sent shivers up his spine. He knelt down in front of him.

"Reid, what's going on?"

The first thing out of his mouth was "I'm so sorry Hotch," his eyes glistened.

Hotch put his hands on Reid's shoulders "Nothing to be sorry for. I just want to know what's wrong" he looked to the grocer for help.

"He fall down in store and not wake up." offered the grocer.

"I fainted." Reid said, embarrassment in his voice.

Hotch's brow furrowed even deeper. "I'll take you to a doctor, c'mon" He took hold of Reid's elbow as if to pull him up. Spencer pulled away.

"No Hotch, no doctors, no hospitals, I was just dizzy, I scared Telles, he wouldn't let me leave unless someone could take me home. I'm sorry I bothered you. If you just drop me at home I'll be fine."

Reid had a look in his eyes and a tone of voice Hotch recognized but rarely ever saw or Heard . It was Reid's stubborn streak and it was useless to fight against.

"Ok, I'll take you home, what were you doing out shopping anyway, shouldn't you be at home resting?" Hotch said .

"This is where I usually shop and I was out of coffee and juice and milk."

"Yez diz is where Mr Spencer shop all the time, he good costumer." confirmed Telles as he helped Reid stand.

Hotch held him around the waist as he steered him toward the door. He felt Reid shiver against the cold as soon as they stepped out into the night air. The car was merely a few steps away, with some effort he folded the young man into the front seat and did his seatbelt up. A thought ocurred to him

"Say Reid, did you ever get those groceries you came for?"

Reid shook his head.

"Ok you stay right here and I'll pick up a few things for you, ok?"

Reid mouthed an ok before his head lolled to the side. He was falling asleep.

Hotch locked the door and hurried back into the store. He grabbed the few essentials he thought Reid might be missing or need and took them to the cash, Telles was waiting for him, he held out another large bag of groceries. Hotch frowned in confusion.

"What's this?" he asked the grocer.

"Diz is for Meester Spencer, diz is the food he like to buy."

Hotch peeked in the bag and saw an assortment of canned soup, boxed mac and cheese and powdered doughnuts. He smiled, It looked like something Jack would buy if he let him.

"Thank you, what do I owe you?"

Telles put his hand up."Nothing, Meester Spencer is good boy, he shop here all the time. I see he is very very sick, yes?"

Hotch nodded solumnly "Yes," He held out his hand."Thank you Telles, for calling me and for the groceries"

The thick burly man shook Aarons hand. "Just want him get better, he very good boy,"

Aaron smiled at the man "Yes, he is." he agreed.

XXXX

It didn't take very long for Hotch to drive Reid home, his apartment was not far from the store. He turned up the heat in his car for he noticed how cold Spencer seemed to be. He hadn't stopped shivering the entire time Hotch was with him. He pulled into a parking space outside the building and went around to unlock Reid's door.

"Reid, you're home now."

Reid lifted his head and nodded sleepily "Thanks Hotch," his voice had gotten weaker and he made no attempt to move.

Hotch reached in and guided him out of the passenger seat. He could feel intense heat coming off of Spencer's body and it alarmed him,

"Can you walk by yourself or do you need help?" Hotch asked.

Reid seemed to awaken a little bit and straighten up "No no, I can walk."

Hotch grabbed the two bags of groceries and stuck close to Reid in case he started to fall but he made it to the apartment without any problems. As soon as they got in Spencer shuffled over to the old sofa and dropped into it.

"Thank you Hotch, you better get home to Jack now," he mumbled as he peeled off his blazer.

Hotch went into the kitchen and started unpacking the groceries. "Don't worry, Jack is at a birthday sleepover at his cousins. I'm not supposed to pick him up til noon tomorrow. Tonight I'm staying here." He announced.

He expected some kind of arguement from the young agent, instead all he heard was a soft _"Good"_

"Reid did you eat" he called out.

"Umm, what day is it? he asked.

"Friday," Hotch answered.

"Ahh...maybe."

Hotch rolled his eyes,"Want something to drink? he yelled.

"May I have some gingerale with ice."

Hotch jumped, he hadn't realized Reid was now standing right behind him.

"Sure, "He opened the freezer and what he saw startled him even more.

"What the hell!" for inside the freezer, aside from two ice trays were at least two dozen or more containers filled with mostly homemade frozen meals.

Reid smiled. "This is all the food people have brought me. I labeled and dated it all, unfortunately I'm never that hungry," He pointed at several items as if giving Hotch a guided tour of his freezer.

"Right here is Morgan's mother's chicken soup, over here is Garcia's rice pudding and Kevin's brownies, kinda scared of those actually. Down here is Rossi's Nonna's ministrone and Rossi's Ziti. See the fancy containers, Prentiss gets me things from her favorite deli.I call this the cancer buffet, Have anything you want, though I ate all the butter cookies JJ gave me " He closed the door and gave Hotch a little half smile.

Hotch shook his head, he knew the team had been looking out for Reid but he felt like they were taking the lion's share of work of looking after their young colleague. He realized in their way they were kind of looking after him as well. He handed Reid his gingerale and walked him back to the couch.

"Let me make you something to eat ok," Hotch offered.

Reid shrugged."Sure,"Apparently, Reid was not up to fighting with his caretakers today.

Twenty minutes later Hotch reappeared from the kitchen. He had made two grilled cheese sandwiches and two mugs of tomato soup.

"Who says I can't cook," He joked.

Reid thanked him and sipped from the mug. Hotch saw the answering machine flashng on Spencer's landline. He pressed it without thinking.

The first message was from Morgan _"Hey there Romeo, resting up I see, give me a call unless you're busy or you're, ya know getting busy"_

Hotch bit his lip to keep from laughing.

Reid closed his eyes "Prentiss has been talkative I see." he said drily.

The next message was more somber.

_"Spencer, it's me your father, I haven't heard from you in a while and I was wondering how you were and..." _

Reid leaned over and turned the machine off. He put his mug down and faced Hotch.

"How's the new guy?" he asked out of the blue.

Hotch didn't know if this was a tactic just to take the focus off his father's call or he really wanted to know. In all the time Steven Bennet was at the BAU, Reid had never asked about him.

"He's fine," Hotch answered casually.

Reid raised his eyebrows "It's ok Hotch, you may say he's really good if you want to, It wont hurt my feelings,"

Hotch studied his young agent over the rim of his soup mug. He appeared to be genuinely interested in Steven Bennet's work performance, but what could he say. Steven was a good agent. he was likable, was a team player and would probably make a excellent profiler one day. Strauss loved him. He was true blue FBI material, but he wasn't Reid.

"He's good, needs more experience in the field but he's new. he'll learn,"

Reid sat playing with the hem of his shirt."So, do you think if I don't . ..can't come back he'll be able to replace me?" Reid asked unable to look Hotch in the eye.

This question caught Hotch by surprise_ 'No one could replace you Reid' _he thought. He leaned into Spencer's line of vision.

"Look at me." he said.

Reid looked at his friend and boss. The intensity of Hotch's stare almost scared him.

"There will be no replacing you, you are going to get well and will probably end up dancing on my grave..."

"I don't dance Hotch,"

"Shut up Reid and listen, you are an invaluable member of the team and unless you suddenly decide you want to leave the BAU and take over the world, you _will_ be coming back. Now eat your dinner," Hotch ordered in his best unit chief voice.

"Yes sir," Reid meekly picked up his sandwich and took a bite. Hotch also saw a small smile begin to spread across his face.

XXXX

Reid did the best he could with the soup and sandwich, He told Hotch to make himself at home, watch tv, whatever. He just wanted to lay on the couch and rest. Hotch obliged him and after he did some cleaning up he turned on the tv. After he watched the news. He thought it might be best if he got Reid to sleep in his bed where he could be more comfortable. He gently shook the the young man by the shoulders and was shocked at the heat coming off him. He felt his forehead the same way he would with Jack. He was burning up with a fever. He pulled Reid into a sitting position. His large hazel eyes were bright with fever.

"Reid, I think you need to see a doctor, I can drive you or you can give me a number to call,"

Spencer shook his head stubbornly "No, no more doctors, I wont go Hotch, I'm sick of it, no more!"

"Reid, you're burning up," said Hotch exasperated.

"It happens sometimes,"

"Well come on then, you are going to bed." He once again put his arm around him and walked him to the bedroom.

Reid was compliant enough once he got his way. Hotch was still worried but he told himself he would just take care of him the same way he took care of Jack when he was sick.

Reid undressed himself down to his boxers and t shirt. Hotch told him to stay that way, it was cooler. Reid laid down on the bed and blinked at Hotch rather glassy eyed.

"What's wrong?" Hotch asked.

"This is real right?"

"Yes, this is real, I'm going to get you a glass of cold water to drink"

"Gingerale"

"What?"

"May I have some gingerale please."

Suddenly Spencer sat bolt upright in his bed. He clutched at his stomach "Oh no, " he moaned.

Before Hotch could even ask what was wrong, Reid practically leaped out of his bed and raced to the bathroom. He managed to shut the door behind him before he fell to his knees and vomited violently into the toilet.

Hotch stood outside the door and listened to him retch and gag. Finally he heard water running and the toilet flush. He gave a light knock on the door then stepped inside. Reid was sitting on the floor, his forehead resting on the toilet seat. Hotch said nothing but rinsed a washcloth in cold water and laid it on the back of Reid's neck. He sat down beside him and rubbed his back in soothing circles.

"Thank you," he whispered and then "This is so fucking humiliating,"

"Shh, don't worry about it," Hotch said.

Hotch stayed with him until Spencer said he felt better and was ready to go back to bed. He brought him the gingerale and told him to sip slowly. he felt Reid's forehead again. This time he was certain the young man felt much cooler.

"I'll stay til you fall asleep." he told him. He noticed a rather large tome on the bedside table."Would you like me to read to you?" he asked.

Reid opened his eyes and seemed rather surprised "Ah yes, I'd like that very much,"

Hotch pulled out the bookmark Reid had left in and began to read in his deep and soothing voice. He had barely finished a chapter when he noticed that Spencer had fallen asleep. His breathing was deep and even and his skin no longer had that feverish glow. He quietly closed the book and made sure he left a light on before he went out to the living room. When he settled into the couch he realized how exhausted he was. He too fell into a deep and dreamless sleep.

XXXXX

Hotch wasn't sure what woke him up. It was either the sunshine pouring in through the windows, or the smell of coffee. He groggily looked at the clock and saw that it was 7 am. Surely Reid hadn't gotten up this early to make coffee. He sat up and yawned, he wanted to be awake enough so he could yell at Reid to go back to bed. It was then he saw David Rossi coming toward him in a apron with two mugs of coffee in his hands. He blinked and rubbed his eyes. He briefly wondered if he were dreaming.

"You tell anyone I wear aprons and I'll have your hide," threatened a wide awake Rossi.

"Why do you wear one then Dave?" asked Hotch.

"Are you kidding, risk staining this suit, this isn't off the rack buddy,"

Hotch smiled at the absurdity of it and sipped his coffee "What are you doing here Dave?"

"Same thing you are, I came to check on Reid. I have a key. I know what he's like after chemo. Surprised to find you here though."

Hotch nodded and told Dave the entire story of the previous night.

"Kind of worries me a bit, he was really adamant about not seeing any doctors"

Rossi took a deep breath "Yeah, I guess it's white coat syndrome, don't worry, it'll pass. Believe it or not I think he's doing good,"

Hotch eyed his friend "Look, I realized last night how much you and the others have been taking on and sort of leaving me out of the loop."

"Now Hotch, we all know you have enough to worry about, you have Jack to take of and Strauss is always breathing down your neck. We just wanted to spare you a little, Reid himself didn't want you to take on any more."

"I thank you for that, but I'm not made of glass Dave, I can handle it. Reid's part of my team, I care about him ok?"

"Ok, understood," Dave leaned back in the chair.

"Is that fresh coffee I smell?" asked a voice from the hall. The two men turned to see their young friend standing before them, a tattered robe hanging over his scrawny frame.

"Works every time," said Rossi, giving Hotch a wink. "Sit your skinny ass down agent Reid, I'll get you a cup"

"Thanks, is that a new apron, I liked the pink one,"

"The pink one?" said Hotch raising his eyebrows.

"The housekeeper washed it with a red shirt," snarled Rossi. He handed Reid a cup of coffee.

"Now after you finish that cup, I'm making breakfast, so no more cracks about my apron,"

"We promise," said Hotch with a mock seriousness.

"Good, oh wait I almost forgot. I brought you a lasagna I made. I'll pop it into the freezer for you,"

Hotch and Reid looked at each other and grinned. Rossi saw the look that passed between them.

"What, did you guys get drunk last night or something?" said Dave shaking his head at the two of them.

"No Dave were fine," he looked over at his young friend, with the sunlight glinting off his hair and the remains of a smile still on his face.

"I really believe things are going to be fine,"

TBC.

AN: Is Hotch's optimism too soon? There aren't too many chapters left of this story. I will try my darntist to update sooner. I hoped you all enjoyed the chapter despite the long wait, I know not much happened,it was more of a character study of the two men and their relationship. Please Read and review and let me know what you think. I always appreciate hearing from you. Happy New year!.


	30. Recovery and Reality

**Recovery and Reality**

Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds, wish I did.

_'Some people never say the words I love you, but like a child they're longing to be told,'_~Paul Simon.

Garcia made herself busy or at least tried to. She had let herself into Reids apartment at 9 am on a sunny Sat morning. Reid was still sound asleep in his bed. She came in quietly and saw him sprawled on the mattress, his sheets and duvet pushed to the floor. She stood there a few minutes and watched his chest rise and fall. Garcia knew she was being paranoid but she always had to check to see that he was breathing. Satisfied that he was ok, she decided it was best to let him sleep for a little bit. She looked around the apartment and saw that it was pretty clean. Rossi still had a house keeping service coming by twice a week and she noted that the fridge and freezer was adequately stocked up with plenty of food. There was nothing for her to do. She made some coffee and set up her laptop and began playing her World of Warcraft game.

If Emily Prentiss hadn't come knocking on the door Penelope wouldn't have noticed that it was nearly noon. She jumped up and answered the door.

Emily stood in the hallway looking relaxed and casual in a pair of jeans and a dark red sweater. Garcia wondered how she could always look so put together no matter where she was. She also noticed that Emily often wore red when she was around Reid.

"Hi, thought I'd pay you and Reid a visit," Emily said greeting her with a big smile and a box of krispy kremes.

"Always happy for your company m'lady," she said as she took the donuts and went to the kichen to pour Emily a coffee.

"I'm afraid you just have me for now, the good doctor is still sleeping." Garcia told her as they both moved to the living room.

Emily frowned and looked at her watch. "Really, I thought Hotch said he was feeling better when he was here last week"

Garcia plunked herself down on the old sofa." Well he is, It's just that, he seems really out of sorts,"

Emily sat down across from her "How so?" she asked.

"I think he's depressed. I know that's more or less normal for what he's going through but he's different,"

Emily's calm expression turned to one of worry. Garcia continued.

"I have been coming here the last few days at morning and at night after work. He sleeps a lot during the day and when he's up he sits and stares out the window. One night I came here and he was still sitting where I left him that morning or at least that's what it looked like. He's been like a Robot. If I tell him to eat, he eats. If I tell him to shower he showers. He has no interest in anything."

Emily sat back and appeared to mulling over the information "The doctor took him off a lot of his meds including the anti depressants because of the side effects..." she said. She took a swig of her coffee.

"Garcia, lets get this man up out of bed."

The two women walked into the bedroom. They were both struck by how vulnerable he looked lying there, his shirt hiked up around his chest and his pyjama bottoms slightly askew. Emily found herself fascinated by the how pale and unblemished his skin was. She almost wanted to reach out and touch it to see if he were real, She had given in to such urge once and done that exact thing. She managed to cover her impulse with a joke saying he was '_so_ _lifelike'_. He had only looked annoyed and the team had thankfully laughed. Garcia seemed to have no such desire and leaned over the young man and gently shook his shoulder.

"Sweet cheeks, time to get up and have some lunch,"

He turned groggily in her direction."Lunch?" he said his voice low and rough from sleep.

"Yes sleepyhead, you slept through brekkie, besides Emily's here and your're almost putting on a strip show for her." she joked. she gave a light snap to the waist band of his pyjama pants.

Reid did not respond with his usual embarassment over one of Garcia's jokes, he merely turned his head in Emily's direction.

"Hi," he said.

Emily noticed his face was devoid of any expression."Hi," she said smiling at him.

He half sat up. "Give me a minute," he muttered.

Garcia patted his shoulder. "Take your time me what you'd like to eat."

Spencer yawned, "Nothing, I'm not very hungry, I 'll, just get myself a coffee."

Garcia turned to Prentiss."Did you hear waffles, I think he said waffles." Garcia spun around and flounced out of the room.

Prentiss stood staring at Reid. He hadn't cracked a smile at Garcia's antics. He sat at the end of his bed playing with a loose thread on his t-shirt.

"Reid, how are you feeling really?" she asked, her voice gentle.

Reid merely shrugged. "Better I guess, it's almost over, the chemo I mean."

"That's good right?"

"Yup," Reid didn't look at her. He spoke in a dull monotone. Prentiss suspected he just wanted to be left alone.

"I'll let you get dressed," she said.

Reid nodded. Prentiss went to the kitchen where Garcia was mixing batter for the waffles, she tried to think of something that would pull Reid out of his doldrums.

"See what I mean," said Garcia as if she had been reading Prentiss's mind. Emily was about to respond when Reid came sauntering into the room. He sat down at the table and stared out his balconey window.

"Coffee's ready" yelled Garcia from the kitchen. Reid stood up to get a cup when he suddenly started swaying. He gripped the sides of the table to steady himself. Emily was at his side immediately. She held him around his waist and was practically holding him up. Spencer was surprised by her strength. He put his arms around her for balance and laid his head on her shoulder, neither one of them uttered a word.

Garcia wondered about the sudden silence and lack of activty coming from the other room and emerged from the kitchen with pot of coffee in her hand.

"Where did everybody go?..." she saw Prentiss holding on tightly to Reid. "Emily what's wrong ? she put down the coffee and rushed to their side. Emily shook her head at Garcia and continued to hold Reid until she felt him begin to support his own weight. He lifted his head and she guided him back down on the chair.

"I'm sorry," he said, his eyes downcast."These dizzy spells. It feels like I have gingerale fizzing in my head and I get a little short of breath sometimes. Sorry," he repeated.

Garcia gently pushed the hair off his forehead ."Don't be sorry kiddo; did you tell the doctor this stuff?"

"Yes, he said it was probably a chemo side effect, not to worry," he offered them a wan smile as they searched his face to see if he were lying.

"Those waffles smell good," he said meekly.

Emily crossed her arms over her chest."Do you think he's trying to change the subject Garcia?"

Garcia smiled, this was the Reid she knew. "Yes I do, but I'll overlook it if he eats his waffles I so lovingly made,"

Reid smirked at her,"Garcia are you really trying to bribe me to eat my food like a five year old?"

Garcia searched his face to see if he were really offended, but she could only see amusement behind his eyes.

"Yes junior G-man I am," she responded with mock sterness.

"Ok then," he shrugged.

Emily laughed, relieved and grateful for the sudden switch in mood, "C'mon I'm starved. I'll get the coffee and syrup. Garcia, waffles please; Reid here needs his strength."

"I do?"

"Yes, I plan on beating the pants off you in chess today."

"Winner picks the DVD tonight, I'll get Kevin to pick it up," chirped in Garcia.

"I better win or I'll be trapped watching some ghastly romcom," said Reid wrinkling his nose with distaste.

"Oh please, could it be any worse than that thing with the subtitles made in the fifties you liked. Rossi fell asleep and Morgan's head nearly fell off out of sheer boredom," scoffed Garcia.

Prentiss sat back and sipped her coffee and watched the two banter back and forth. There was a lightness in the room the three of them hadn't felt in a long time. For one day cancer had been shown the door like a bad house guest that had overstayed it's welcome. The three friends enjoyed this feeling for they were all but certain that the _'house guest' _could and would return at any moment.

xxxxxxx

Two nights later Prentiss found herself driving back to Reid's apartment. As she was leaving the office that night she noticed the worried expression on Morgan's face. She asked him what was wrong. He told her Reid hadn't answered any of his calls in hours. He wanted to go over there but he and Hotch had a meeting with Strauss. Emily told him to relax, she would go over and check on Reid.

She reflected on the past Saterday she and Garcia had spent with him. She had beat him at chess but she suspected he might have let her win. She was an excellent player but Reid wasn't usually taken down that easily. Kevin had showed up with the film _'Avatar'_ It amused her when Reid spent half the movie pointing out all the scientific improbabilities.

"Shh Reid, Its really a love story anyway." Garcia had exclaimed, munching on her bowl of microwave popcorn.

"No it's not," scoffed Kevin.

They'd had a great time together. They had even managed to get Reid to eat an entire slice of Pizza. Now here she was once again heading off to Reid's apartment with that familiar churning feeling in her stomach. She thought she would have gotten used to it by now. Not knowing what you'd find was a lot different when it was someone you cared about.

Emily pulled into a parking spot and hurried up to his apartment. She knocked and didn't wait very long to use her key. She entered the well lit apartment and noted nothing seemed out of place or unusual except there was no sign of Spencer.

She called out to him and once again there was no answer. As Emily headed towards his room she was filled with a horrible sense of deja vue. She hoped Reid didn't have some half naked girl wrapped around him this time. Emily didn't need to worry. The bedroom and bathroom door were both wide open, the lights were on but still no sign of Reid.

"Emily?"

Prentiss spun around to see Reid standing in the doorway with a laundrey basket in his hands and a puzzled look on his face.

"Oh Reid, you startled me," she exclaimed.

"Same here, what are you doing here, did I forget we were supposed to get together?" he said as he placed the full basket on the bed.

"No, sorry for barging in. Morgan was worried, you didn't pick up any of his calls." she explained.

Reid sat down on his bed, he gave her a rather weary smile. "I turned my phone off. JJ came by with Henry this afternoon; she invited me to Will's surprise birthday party next weekend. Then I did my laundry and didn't take my cell,"

"Oh," was all Prentiss managed to say. She was feeling rather silly.

Reid looked up at her with a calm expression "Emily, I appreciate how much everybody cares and does for me but you guys have to stop thinking I''ve expired every time I don't answer the phone." he said, trying not to sound unkind.

Emily nodded."You're right Reid," she turned to go.

"Wait Emily, I have tons of food in the freezer, will you stay for dinner.?" he asked.

Emily smiled and held out her hand "Yes, c'mon, lets pick something out."

XXX

Garcia had been right. Reid was acting differently. They had microwaved a pasta dish, _"ziti ala Rossi_" and ate together in silence. She attempted to make conversation and Spencer politely answered any questions she asked but he seemed distracted. She began to feel alarmed. Maybe Reid wasn't telling the truth, perhaps things weren't going as well as he told them. She watched him as he picked at his meal. He coughed a couple of times into his fist.

"Reid, is everything ok? "

"What do you mean?"

"How is the treatment going, everything is alright isn't it?" She deliberately locked eyes with him. If he lied to her, she would know it. He paused for a moment and calmly returned her gaze.

"Yes Emily, the treatment is going well. I already told you, I'm good." He stood and cleared their plates from the dining table and took them to the kitchen.

Emily watched him closely; he was telling the truth. She heard the homey clatter of dishes and water running. She also heard him cough several more times.

"I think I might be catching a cold," he said from the other room, answering her question before she could ask it.

"Do you want a coffee?" he called out

"Yes please," she answered.

She got up from the table and strolled around the small living room. It was clean but cluttered. There were books and magazines everywhere. Dozens of crossword puzzles and sudoku puzzles given by well meaning colleagues from the office. She noticed they were all finished. It almost made her laugh. The books he had probably read two or three times over and the puzzles, well what might be challenging to others, was to him the equivilent of nursery school books.

Then it hit her. Reid wasn't so much depressed as he was bored. That great intellect of his was stagnating. It wasn't being challenged or exercised in the way he was used to. His life revolved around being sick and recovery and chemo. No wonder he seemed like a robot. He was being done in by tedium. She made up her mind she was going to speak to Hotch and see if Reid could work on consults at home when the team was out in the field. At least it was something.

"Here's your coffee," Reid announced as he carried in two steaming cups.

Thank you," she sat down on the couch beside him. "I should really go after this," she said.

Then Reid did something that surprised her. He reached over and took her hand. He was shaking slightly.

"Emily, would you spend the night here?" his eyes were suddenly large and frightened. "Please," He was almost pleading.

These mood swings of his were becoming exhausting. She wondered if it were a medication side effect.

She patted his warm dry hands. "Sure, I have my go bag in the car. Are you feeling sick or frightened?" She remembered his hallucinations from before and hoped they weren't returning.

Again it was if he could read her thoughts. "No, it's not what you think, I'm not seeing things again. It's just that sometimes the nights are the worst. I can't sleep and thoughts, bad horrible thoughts worm their way into my mind... " he stopped to cough again.

"Reid, no need to explain, of course I'll stay." She saw his body visibly relax and he looked relieved. If having her here eased some of his anxiety then she would spend the night.

XXXXXXX

The rest of the evening was uneventful. She talked about work and the latest case the team had worked on. Spencer seemed to unwind a little once she told him she would stay. He told her about JJ's visit and hoped he felt good enough to go to Will's party. They both watched the news and when she saw him yawning every few minutes she suggested they both get some sleep. Reid made up the couch for her and again thanked her for staying. Prentiss hadn't realized how tired she was. It seemed she had barely closed her eyes and she was sound asleep.

XXXX

It was the cold air coming into the apartment that woke her. She was freezing, she looked around the darkened living room and could easily see that the door to the balconey was wide open. Emily sat up and through the living room window she could see Reid standing outside on the balconey in the rain wearing only his pyjamas.

"What the hell!" she muttered. She half stumbled to the doorway and saw that he was standing with his face turned upward. His eyes were closed and a light drizzle ran down his face. She feared for a moment he might be sleepwalking.

"Reid," she said softly.

He turned and looked at her, he was awake. "I wanted to feel the rain, it's so soothing," He began coughing again. He put his hand against his chest as if it pained him.

Prentiss went and grabbed her blanket off the couch and threw it around his shoulders.

"Reid, have you gone crazy? come inside now!" she ordered. She put her arm around his waist and guided him back to his bedroom.

Spencer sat down on his bed. Emily went into caretaker/mom mode. She pulled off his shirt, found a pair a of boxers and a t-shirt in a drawer and ordered him to change. He meekly complied. Emily turned around to give him a little privacy

"You're angry," he said to her. She turned to face him.

"Yes I am, what were you doing outside in the rain, are you trying to make yourself sicker?" His face was wet and she wasn't sure if it was rain or tears. Her heart melted a bit at the sight.

_'Yes good job Emily, make the cancer patient cry_.' she thought.

His face seemed to contort in what seemed to be an effort not to cry. "I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking I..." He looked at her helplessly.

Any anger she felt fled. She sat down on the bed, wrapped the blanket around him and held him.

"Tell me," she whispered.

"I'm scared... all the time," He spoke in a voice so small she could barely hear it.

"That you wont get well?" she said.

"No, that I will."

She looked at him perplexed wondering if she had heard correctly. "I don't understand," she said.

"I've spent all this time trying to get well, it has been my sole focus. it's taken over my entire life. Lately I've begun to wonder that if I become cancer free, will I be spending the rest of my life terrified, waiting for it to come back, to take over my life again."

Emily reached down and squeezed his now icy hands. "Reid have you thought of going to a support group, meeting people going through the same thing as you?"

Reid shook his head "I see enough support groups, besides, intellectually I understand these feelings are probably not uncommon. I know when I'm being irrational but that awareness doesn't make the constant fear I feel go away. I'm afraid of being afraid. it's so absurd."

Emily looked into his eyes. "No it's not, we can't always control the emotions we have. All I can tell you is that the people I've met who are cancer survivors are leading full happy lives now. What is it they always tell you in those twelve step programs _' one day at a time.' "_

Reid nodded his head and realized that this was the first time he had spoken of his fear to anyone. The tightness in his chest eased a little. He yawned.

"Sorry," he said.

"Reid, why were you standing out in the rain?" Emily asked.

He smiled a little "Because I like rain; the sound of it and the smell. I just wanted something soothing; thought it might clear my head and help me sleep."

She studied his face for a moment. He couldn't sleep at night. He was so tired yet still so tense. She had an idea.

"Yes sleep, good idea," she stood and told him to lay down. Much to his surprise instead of leaving the room she got into bed beside him, pulled his worn old comforter over the both of them and turned off the lights. She snuggled close and held his hand.

The room was pitch black. He could feel her knees against his thigh and her soft breath against his cheek.

"Emily, this is not very professional," he whispered.

" Hmm, yes you're right. I wont tell if you wont. Tonight we are just two good friends who need a little comfort and some sleep, that's all ok?"

"Ok and thank you,"

Emily lay beside him holding his hand over his chest. At first she could feel his heart beating rapidly, now it had slowed down to a comfortable resting rate. The tension was gone from his body and he was breathing easier. For someone who ordinarily didn't like to be touched, he soaked up affection and physical touch like a sponge. She wondered if anyone had ever held him when he was a child.

It was pouring outside harder now. The rain made a rat a tat ta sound as it hit the windows. Reid was right, the sound of it was soothing, almost hypnotic. She turned her head and listened. A soft sigh escaped Spencers lips. He had fallen asleep and moments later she would join him.

TBC

AN. Thank you for reading. Next chapter is a Party at JJ's. Will notices something about Spencer the profilers don't see. Please read and review. Your reviews are so motivating.


	31. Hope and Havoc

**Hope and Havoc**

**Disclaimer:I do not on Criminal minds.**

_**'All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream'~ **_**Edgar Allan Poe.**

_Reid knew he was dreaming. He just wondered why he was unable to wake himself. It was not that it was a bad dream; there was just this aura of unpleasantness to his dreamlike surroundings. He surmised he was in some type of were trees and grass and flowers. He was dressed in work clothes yet barefoot; Reid wiggled his toes in the grass. He could even feel the dewy coldness of it._

_Long slender arms slid around his waist from behind and he could feel her warm breath on his neck. He didn't need to see her to know who it was.,She pushed herself up against his back and whispered in his ear._

_"Are you ready now?" she asked._

_"Ready for what ?" Reid said. He turned around in her arms. She was dressed this time in a simple cotton sundress. She smiled and repeated the question._

_"Are you ready now?"_

_Before Reid could answer he found himself distracted by two middleaged men in the distance sitting on a blanket. They looked familiar._

_"Hey isn't that..." Spencer didn't need to finish his question, suddenly he could see them quite clearly. It was his father and Gideon playing chess. He pushed the woman off him and hurried towards them. As he ran he noticed there were other people about now. It seemed he was at a picnic. He searched for his team members but none of them were there. When he reached the two men,neither one looked up to see who was casting the long shadow over their board. Reid frowned, all the chess pieces were the same colour._

_"Hi Spencer," his father said without looking up."Your Mother's over there."_

_Reid saw his mom standing off to the side, a scowl on her face. "Spencer, stay away from them. they're bad for you?" she ordered._

_"Mom?" He felt confused. The dark haired woman sidled up to him, picked up his hand and kissed the inside of his palm._

_"Listen to your mother Spencer," intoned his dad._

_"It's time to go," the woman said, kissing his palm again._

_"Your mother is mentally dificient," Gideon said calmly, looking at Spencer over his glasses._

_Reid suddenly felt angry. Who was Gideon to criticize his mother's mental state?_

_"Stop acting so cryptic and obtuse, you're not the oracle of Quantico anymore, and you're not dead" Reid said._

_"We may as well be," the two men said in unison._

_"Piss off, both of you," Reid snarled._

_"Bravo Spencer, bravo! " He turned around. His mother was clapping her hands and cheering. Just behind her he saw Hayley Hotchner playing frisbee with Tobias Hankle._

_"Hayley!" He yelled. He had to warn her,Tobias was dangerous._

_Tobias stopped playing and waved at Reid. "It's ok, it's just me, I'm alone. We're having a great time"._

_Reid felt relieved "Hotch is taking great care of Jack, Mrs Hotchner. "_

_She smiled at him "I know," she said as she tossed the frisbee back to Tobias._

_He turned back to the woman who was still caressing his hand. She gave him a sultry smile and pressed his hand to her chest. He could feel her heart beating hard and strong._

_"I'm ready to go now," he told her._

_Without a word she turned and pointed to a top of a hill. He saw six silhouettes._

_"The team," Reid exclaimed. He felt happy and excited. He didn't want to wake up now, he wanted to see his team. She pulled him along and the two of them began to climb the hill. It was easy at first but the higher they got, the steeper the incline. Spencer felt out of breath and the woman was no longer holding his hand. She was ahead of him. _

_"I have to rest" he called out. She didn't stop or respond. Spencer tried to keep on going but his lungs wouldn't let him. He slowed down to catch his breath when something cold and hard grabbed hold of his leg and started to pull him down. Reid struggled but he was still being dragged backwards. He looked into the face of what was holding him. It was Gideon, or rather more like some creature that had removed Gideons face and was using it for a mask._

_"Let me go!" Reid screeched. He struggled and fought the silent Gideon creature. He looked up the hill for help._

_"No no no," he yelled. There was no one there. He gave one hard kick and the creature released it's grip. Reid started scrambling upward driven by fear and panic. He was stopped by a sharp stabbing pain in his hip. The creature had sunk it's long needlelike teeth into his side. He gave one final cry and then...he woke up._

_XXXXX_

Beep.. beep..beep...

Reid tried to open eyes. They felt so heavy, like they had been glued shut. He wondered for a moment whether he were still dreaming but he was certain he wasn't. He couldn't move his hands either, something was holding them down. His throat hurt. He was momentarily seized by fear. He heard the beep sounds increasing in speed, they matched up with the beating of his own heart.

Spencer told himself to relax, he tried to still his mind and let his senses deduce what was happening to him. He lay very still. As soon as the beeps slowed. He would profile this strange situation and try to figure out how he came to be here.

There was an antiseptic odor to wherever he was. It was the unmistakable smell of a hospital. '_Ok, I'm in a hospital'. _he thought grimly.

The beeps and the sensation of things taped to his chest indicated he was on some sort of heart moniter. He heard the beeps race again. He forced himself to calm down.

He didn't have to concentrate too hard to know that the pain and discomfort he felt in his penis was because a foley tube had been inserted. His sore thoat and inability to speak told him he was intubated for breathing. There was an IV coming from the top of his hand and an pulsox clip on his finger.

Dispite the anxiety he was trying to keep at bay; he did have to concentrate in order to stay concious. Something in him kept trying to transport him back into the sleep world. He listened, there were two familiar voices in the room with him and the scent of a sweet perfume he knew all too well. A soft hand touched his.

"Why is he in restraints Derek?" asked Garcia. She gingerly held the young profilers hand.

Derek sighed. "The doctor said he kept trying to pull his tubes out, even when he was unconcious,"

"Our poor baby. Oh Derek, he was doing so well, what happened? I thought he was getting better."Penelope cried.

"So did I babygirl."

Reid felt another hand, one larger and stronger gently stroke his face. He felt a soft kiss pressed to his forehead. He heard the beeps race again as anger, confusion and fear raced through his body. What had happened to him and why didn't he remember it?

XXXXX

Three days earliar.

It was a beautiful day, the spring rains had subsided, everything felt fresh and alive, like the city had just woken up from a long dull winter nap and was ready to party. It was a perfect day for a backyard barbecue. Will bustled about his kitchen making sure there was plenty of ice and his guest's glasses were full.

He looked over at his sweetheart talking to Garcia. JJ glanced back at him aware of his eyes on her. She winked and raised her glass slightly in his direction. Will grinned, he could tell she was having a good time, she was happy, that made him happy.

He felt a pair of small hands tugging on his pantlegs. He looked down into the serious little face of Jack Hotchner.

"Hiya Jack, what can I do for you?" asked Will.

"Can I have more pop Mr Will," asked Jack. Will saw the little boy's father walk up behind him.

"Jack, you just finished a drink. Henry and Spencer are taking out some building toys, why don't you go and help them,"

Jack's face brightened "Yeah, I better help, Henry's just a baby." he skipped off to the living room.

The two men smiled at Jack's words. Hotch took a sip of his scotch.

"So Will, I thought this was supposed to be a surprise party for you and here you are doing the cooking"

Will grinned "Barbecuing isn't cooking Hotch, besides I told JJ I didn't want a big party, just family, something the kids can enjoy too,"

Hotch nodded. "Thanks for inviting us. Jack loves to be around other kids." As if on cue they heard Jack yell from the other room.

"Daddy, come see what we're doing,"

JJ strolled over and took their arms."Well c'mon Dads, let's see what's up." she said as she steered the two men into the livingroom.

The three adults were greeted by the sight of Reid sitting crosslegged on the floor with Henry, building some strange looking cylindrical thing while Jack had recruited Garcia in his building project. Rossi sat comfortably in an arm chair with a glass of scotch in one hand and his chin resting in the other.

"Are you supervising," joked Prentiss.

"Yes, somehow I turned into my great uncle Nino and I think I like it." Rossi answered.

Will knelt down and handed Reid a drink. "Hey Henry watcha building here with Spencer, a nice big tower?"

Henry giggled. Reid frowned and looked at Will as if he were demented.

"It's a DNA strand Will," Reid stated.

Will blinked "A what?"

"You had to ask," JJ murmured.

"Daddy, we're making a train and Penelope said she would teach me code one day; what's code?." blurted out Jack.

Hotch fixed his gaze on Garcia "Garcia, we talked about this."

She hopped to her feet "JJ, show me your garden again" She grabbed JJ's arm,eager to escape the sight of her boss's grand scale scowl.

Rossi shrugged at the men as they watched the two women retreat into the yard.

Will had been watching Reid interact with Henry and for the second time that afternoon he was struck by Reid's appearance. There was something different about Reid. He just couldn't put his finger on it. He had spoken to JJ about it when Reid first arrived. He asked her if she thought Spencer looked wierd or off. JJ dismissed his concerns by telling him that, of course Reid looked strange. He had been ill for a long time, had lost a lot of weight, and his hair had thinned considerably. She reassured Will that he just wasn't used to seeing Reid in this condition. The team was used to the way he looked now.

Will had put it out of his mind until he handed him his drink. Will peered at the long elegant fingers that held the glass of coke; even Reid's hands looked strange, not just pale and thin but something else. He didn't want to stare at the man but it was driving him crazy.

"Penny for your thoughts," Prentiss said.

Will gestured for her to come to the other side of the room. He spoke to her quietly.

"Do you notice something odd about Reid?

Prentiss frowned at him "What do you mean?"

"Does he look off to you?"

She glanced quickly at Reid still on the floor with the kids. "No, he looks about the same to me. Why, what's wrong?"

Will saw her worried expression and instantly regretted asking her. JJ told him she thought Prentiss had more than a soft spot for the young doctor.

"Will smiled "Ahh It's nuthin. JJ says I'm not used to seeing him."

"Yes, I guess if you don't see him all the time his appearance can be a shock," Emily agreed.

"C'mon outside, I think Hotch and Derek are trying to take over my grill, I might need backup," he said, changing the subject.

Prentiss laughed. "Good idea."

Will took another glimpse at Spencer before he left the room. He may not be a BAU profiler but his detective skills were still intact. There was just something off about the man.

XXXXX

The rest of the evening went great. Will, with the help of what he called his assistants, barbecued more food than anybody could possibly eat but that didn't stop them from trying. Even Reid managed to finish the small plate of food Garcia made for him. The children got so excited over the birthday cake and the blowing out of the candles that the adults indulged them and let Henry and Jack both have a turn making wishes.

Will was touched by the gifts and a little embarassed by others. Garcia and Morgan bought joke gifts. Will found himself surprised by Spencer's gift of a CD of a local New Orleans singer.

"Thank's Spencer, It's got "_Take Your Drunkin Ass Home_" on it, one of my favourites" enthused Will.

Reid coughed into his sleeve "My friend In New Orleans picked it up for me."

When it was time to leave they pretty much left as a group. Garcia and Morgan had made themselves designated drivers. Hugs and handshakes were exchanged at the door and pretty soon JJ and Will found themselves alone except for Henry who was now fast asleep on JJ's shoulder.

"I'm going to put him to bed and then I'm going myself, I'll clean up the mess in the morning," whispered JJ.

Will leaned over and gave her a kiss. "Thank you chere, this was a perfect party. You go on. I'm going to turn on the dishwasher and be right up."

He watched her carry their son upstairs and then headed to the kitchen. He began to tackle the dishes. He thought he had everything rinsed and put in the dishwasher when he noticed one of Henry's blue plastic cups under a chair. He smiled.

Tried to get away did ya," he joked as he picked the cup off the floor. He turned the light blue novelty cup over in his hands a few times when an icy moment of realization came over him. His mind went back to Reid. He knew now what was so strange about Reids appearance and a sick feeling hit his stomach.

The light blue of the cup was almost the same color as the nailbeds of Reid's fingernails, there was a slight tinge of blue to his lips as well. How could anyone not have noticed it?

XXXXX

TBC

AN: Please Read and Review. Also sorry for the long time between updates. just please stick with me I'll try to update sooner.


	32. Profilers and Family

**Profilers and Family **

**Disclaimer:I do not own Criminal Minds**

'Fasten your seatbelts, it's going be a bumpy ride'~ Bette Davis as Margo Channing.

XXXXX

Will Reid sat at the airport bar, emptied his glass of over priced Vodka and ordered another. One more shot and maybe his hands would finally stop shaking. He hadn't had a drink in years but his flight wasn't for another half an hour and if he was lucky he would feel good and numb by the time he boarded the plane to DC.

Unlike his ex-wife, it wasn't the flight that scared him, it was what awaited him in Washington, his dying son.

XXXXXX

It was only a day or so ago when he last spoke to Spencer. He tried to call him at least once a week. His son had seemed ok. He had noticed Spencer had coughed a lot on the phone but he told his father he had a cold. Their relationship was still in the process of a long slow thaw. William accepted that for he felt it was better than no relationship at all.

The first indication all was not well was when Will's assistant told him there was a call from Bennington sanitarium. It was the first time they had ever called him. Usually they dealt solely with Spencer. It was with some trepidation he took the call.

"Hello, Will Reid here," he said.

"Hello Mr Reid, this is Dr Norman. I am the medical directer of Bennington"

Will tried to keep the anxiety out of his voice. "Yes Dr Norman, we met briefly when my son visited that time. How may I help you?"

"Well Mr Reid, we are having some problems with Diana...Mrs Reid and we were hoping you could stop by and speak with her" The discomfort in the man's voice was almost palpable.

Will felt confused and a little afraid."Ah yes. I'd be happy to come over but isn't it usually my son Spencer you consult in these matters?"

William became aware of the brief silence on the other end of the phone. Dr Norman's voice was lower and softer when he spoke again.

"Ah yes, unfortunately Dr Reid is... unavailable. He has you down as a second emergency contact." the doctor supplied.

Will's pulse quickened, something was wrong and Dr Norman had assumed he already knew.

"I'll be right over," he said brusquely. He hung up the phone and immediately made his way to Bennington. He wanted to call Virginia, but his fear stopped him. He needed to see Diana first.

XXXX

Dr Norman met Will as soon as he arrived and led him to Diana's room. He saw her lying in on her bed. Her eyes were closed and her hands folded serenely in her lap. The setting sun peeking through her window cast shadows around the room and highlighted her strong features. He was struck again how much Spencer was like her. The nose, the lips and the deep set eyes. He thought she was still only thing Spencer seemed to get from him was his colouring.

Dr Norman's voice broke into his thoughts.

"She wont get out of bed, her meds are working but she has seemed to have fallen into some kind of depression regarding your son" said Dr Norman gently.

"Is this about his illness?" Will whispered.

"No, she never speaks of that, we thought she might confide her feelings to you,"

Will sighed. He wasn't prepared for this. How could he tell Dr Norman that he was the least likely person Diana would ever confide in.

"I'll try" he said, what else could he do?

William approached his ex-wife carefully and sat on the edge of her bed. He was always afraid to startle her.

"Diana." he said in a gentle voice.

"Diana opened her eyes and stared at her ex husband as if it were not unusual to see him sitting on her bed.

"Our baby's in trouble." was all she said.

Will blinked at her uncertain.

"What do you mean, did he call?" Will kept his voice even and calm.

She sat up and clutched his arm. "No, no" she said impatiently."I feel it, I can hardly breathe sometimes," she hit her chest for emphasis." I can hear him calling me at night, he needs me"

He saw the pain on his ex wife's face and he could feel her unwavering blue eyes boring into his, Will glanced back at Dr Norman who watched the scene with interest.

"William," she pleaded "I have never asked you for anything, please believe me, I can hear him" He felt her grip on his arm tighten.

The Dr stepped forward, fearing Diana might be close to hysteria "Diana, you're upseting yourself" he warned.

Diana ignored him and focused on Will. when she spoke again her voice was stronger.

"He is the best thing to come out of our marriage, don't be afraid this time."

It would have been easy for Will to blame her behavior on her illness and walk away but the way her eyes held his. They were the bright blue intelligent eyes of the woman he had fell in love with. The woman he could never say no to.

"I believe you Diana, tell me what you want?"

She fell back against the pillows and exhaled as if she had been holding her breath for a very long time. She released the strong grip on his arm.

"Thank you Will," she breathed.

Will leaned forward and listened as Diana explained what she needed him to do.

A hour later Will received a terrifying call from Aaron Hotchner.

XXXXXX

One Day earliar

Reid poured his second cup of coffee of the morning. He didn't feel particularly well or happy for that matter. He had woken up feeling like an elephant had been sitting on his chest all night. His cough was worse and he thought he had seen specks of blood in his sputum and then there was the call from Garcia.

He was surprised to be hearing from her so early in the morning, especially since he was going into Quantico today to help with some consults. It was an idea Prentiss had dreamed up that Hotch had seemed open to. He knew it was devised to keep him busy but he didn't mind, his brain needed the workout and it was a welcome distraction.

"Hello Garcia," he had answered.

"Good morning junior g-man. I have called to check on you," she said in her usual cheerful manner.

"Garcia, I 'll be seeing you later today, what's the deal?" he chided.

"I was speaking to JJ this morning and she said that Will noticed that you were blue?" she replied matter of factly.

"Blue? you mean sad, depressed?"

"No young sir, blue, like your skin is blue, your nails and lips,"

"Ah, did you think I was blue, you saw me too?," he said in a jovial tone but he began inspecting the beds of his fingernails.

"Well no... I was just concerned and..."

Spencer interrupted her "Look Garcia, I will be at the office in a couple of hours and you can see for yourself, ok"

"Ok. but if you resemble anything like a smurf, we're taking you in to be checked out."

Reid laughed, "fine, I'll see you soon," He hung up. Reid stopped laughing and rushed to his bathroom mirror. A slight fear gripped him as he inspected himself, His lips did have a bluish tinge as did his finger nails.

_'Hypoxia, shit !" _he thought He started coughing again and specks of blood decorated his chin.

XXXXXX

Hotch paced the halls of the hospital, he almost couldn't believe they were at this place again. It was so unexpected. Reid had been doing so well and he had only one more chemo treatment. The team sat silent in the waiting room. They were sitting vigil with him once again.

Hotch recalled that the afternoon had started out typically. Reid had come in to work on consults as they had agreed upon. He had seemed tired but upbeat and ready to work. Hotch had spoken to JJ about Will's concerns and tried to quietly check out Reid's colour but he kept his hands in his pockets and was nervously biting his lower lip. There had been a moment of brief awkwardness when he realized that Steven Bennet, the new man was occupying Spencer's desk. Hotch quickly remedied the situation by offering Reid his own office to work in.

"Are you sure? Reid had asked, feeling strange sitting behind Hotch's desk.

"Absolutely," Hotch replied. "and if you feel tired, that couch is more comfortable than it looks, take a nap if you need it."

Reid thanked him and Hotch left him to go to his afternoon meeting with Strauss.

He returned not more than an hour later, he noticed how dim his office was, he couldn't see Spencer sitting at the desk through the window. He reasoned Reid was probably lying down to rest but something made him feel uneasy. He went into the room and sure enough Spencer was stretched out on the sofa completely out. He was lying on his side with his arms folded over his stomach. He was pale and still. Hotch approached and carefully knelt in front of him. He saw a thin line of blood streaked drool comiing out of the side of his mouth.

"Reid, it's Hotch, wake up." he gently shook the young profiler's shoulder. There was no response.

"Wake up Reid," he repeated, more forcefully this time.

He took hold of the young man's thin wrist and tried to feel for a pulse. The coldness of Reid's skin nearly made him shudder.

At this moment David Rossi walked in and was startled to see Hotch kneeling beside a sleeping Reid taking his pulse.

"What's going on Aaron?" he said as he quickly moved beside him. Hotch was already on his cell calling 911.

"I can't find a pulse Dave" .

David immediately reached over and loosened Reid's tie and tried to feel for a pulse in his neck. He held his own breath as he concentrated on the young man's breathing and tried to see if he could see his chest rising and falling. Finally he felt a slow thready heartbeat beneath his fingers.

"He has a pulse. it's weak but it's there," said Rossi exhaling."What the hell happened?"

"I don't know!" He hung up his phone, he had been assured an ambulance was on it's way. He tried to maintain his composure though his heart was threatening to beat out of his chest. .

Rossi took Reid under the shoulders and sat him up. He didn't awaken but coughed and another thin stream of blood stained mucus poured from his mouth. Rossi gave him a hard pat on the back. He coughed again and this time the blood and mucus was more profuse stainng his shirt and Rossi in the process.

"That's right," soothed Rossi,"get the bad stuff out". He sat on the couch and held Reid against his chest. By now he could hear the confused murmurs from the bullpen as Paramedics stepped off the elevator and made their way through the office. Hotch had alerted the rest of the team. They stood and watched as the EMTs worked quietly and efficiently on their young friend and blinked back tears as they loaded him onto a gurney and wheeled him into a waiting ambulance. The entire office had become eerily silent, the only sounds were the occasional muffled sobs.

Reid had still not woken up.

XXXX

Now they waited, Rossi walked over to Hotch and handed him a cup of takeout coffee. Hotch nodded a silent thanks, took a sip and sighed. Rossi studied his friend's stoic face. He knew there was nothing Hotch hated more than a feeling of helplessness. There was nothing any of them could do.

"He's in good hands Hotch, I already spoke to Strauss, told her where we are and..." Rossi stopped speaking, he saw the ER doctor who was taking care of Reid approach them.

"Spencer Reid ?" the physician said.

The rest of the team immediately gathered around.

"Yes, I'm his emergency contact," Hotch supplied.

The doctor shook his head slowly. "It's lucky you brought him in when you did, if he had been alone, he might not have woken up. His lungs were not getting enough oxygen. "

"Why, what happened to him, what's wrong?, he was doing so well" asked Rossi impatiently.

"We are still doing tests. We've taken chest xrays, blood, and an examination of sputum. We suspect it's either a bacterial pneumonia or pneumocystis pneumonia, both would account for his cyanosis and coughing up of blood. Unfortunately it's not uncommon in patients with cancer and compromised immune systems, sometimes even caused by the chemo itself. We have already begun treatment with some rather aggressive antibiotics. The next 24 hours will be crucial. He is not out of the ..."

"Can we see him?" interrupted Garcia.

" He's not concious, we had to intubate him to help him breath but if you're quiet and don't disturb him, two people at a time for short periods should be ok" he answered.

"Thank you Doctor, Garcia, Morgan why don't you go in first." said Hotch.

Rossi waited until the doctor and the others were out of earshot before he asked.

"What are you thinking Aaron?"

"I'm thinking Reid could still die, I have to call his father in Las Vegas."

XXXXX

Two days Later.

Reid could feel a warm light hitting his face. It felt good. He struggled to open his eyes, it seemed to take a tremendous effort. Through his fuzzy vision he could make out Garcia sitting in a corner knitting, and Prentiss reading a newspaper. Once the sunlight streaming in the windows hit his pupils, he felt a stabbing pain and quickly shut them again.

He was imcredibly thirsty. His tongue felt three sizes too big and was sticking to the roof of his mouth. The discomfort made him groan out loud, a sound that brought both women to their feet and at his bedside.

"He's waking up," said Garcia excitedly.

Spencer felt Prentiss stroke his arm in a comforting gesture..

"C'mon Reid, were waiting," she said.

He lifted his hand and realized he was no longer in restraints, that at least was good.

"Gooo dd." he slurred. Reid wanted to articulate his thoughts but his sore dry throat and tongue were not co-operating. He struggled to get his words out. He was relieved he no longer had a tube down his throat. He reached up and felt the oxygen prongs in his nose.

"Ahhh ox oxy jin." he said.

Cool hands brushed his hair back.

"Relax Reid, it's ok, Garcia and I are both here,"

Prentiss's soft warm voice and gentleness did make him relax. He felt like he was about to sink back into sleep when another familiar voice brought him back to the surface. It was a male voice, a voice he did not hear that often but had never forgot. It was not in the room with him but further away. It was his father. An iciness washed over him.

_'what is my father doing here,' _He thought. In his drugged state his logical mind couldn't accept that his father would be here just for him. _'Something must have happened to Mom'_

"Mmm," he said

"Shh, it's alright sweetie." soothed Garcia.

"Mm mom..." his voice barely above a whisper.

Garcia's eyes filed with tears. "Oh Em, he wants his mother."

"Mmom!," He said again trying to make himself understood.

Garcia left his side and hurried out into the hallway where Hotch, Rossi and William Reid all stood. Hotch looked up and the sight of Garcia's tear filled eyes alarmed him.

"Garcia, what's wrong?"

"Reid's awake sir, he's trying to speak."

Will turned to her. "Spencer's awake, what did he say?" he asked

"He's asking for his mother Mr Reid," Garcia told him.

The three agents saw a brief flash of emotion in Will Reid's eyes. then he quickly recovered.

"Good, that's good. I need to see him."

He pushed past Garcia and rushed to Spencer's room. The three followed him.

When he entered Spencer's room. Emily still stood at his bed. She was speaking softly to him and stroking his hair back. To William, Spencer looked much the same as he did when he first arrived at the hospital, with the exception of less medical paraphanalia around him. He was breathing on his own now and he seemed to be responding slowly but positively to his treatment.

William was exhausted. He hadn't left the hospital in two days. He had literally stayed at Spencer's bedside the entire time. Sometimes he would talk to him, other times just sit and hold his son's hand. Spencer had never given any indication he knew his father was there.

"Spencer?" he said softly.

Reid's eyes opened to mere slits, he recognized the face of his father.

"Mom where mom," he croaked.

Will pushed aside the twinge of jealously he felt and smiled down at his son.

"Mom's in Las Vegas, Spencer."

"She ok?"

"Yes she's fine. She's the one who sent me here."

Hotch and Rossi exchanged looks.

"Good." The young agent smiled slightly and drifted off to sleep again.

Spencer's colleagues sensed Reid's father was overcome with emotion. They saw him reach out and touch his son . It felt strange and intrusive to be watching such a private moment. They saw the older man swipe his hand across his eyes and turn away from them. Rossi put his hand on the man's shoulder. He hadn't actually liked Will the two other times he had met him, but now his heart went out to him.

"Hey you need some sleep or you're no good to Reid or anybody. Let us drop you off at a hotel and tomorrow you can probably talk to his doctor." Rossi suggested.

Will nodded and wiped his eyes. He turned back to Spencer and pulled the blankets up around his shoulders. Something he used to do when Spencer was very young. The memory made him smile. Now he was a grown man. He was so pale and thin; the dark cirles around his eyes were darker and more deeply etched. His face still looked impossibly young but at the same time seemed to have the wisdom of the ages written on it. Will wondered how such a thing was possible. He supposed it was just another one of the many things about his son that he would never understand.

He bent down and pressed a soft kiss against the young man's cheek. The action must have jogged loose a long ago bedtime ritual, for words slipped out unbidden and were whispered into his son's ear.

_"Daddy loves you."_

William stood up abruptly, startled by his own words. It was as if they were uttered by someone else. He looked down at his sleeping son who was oblivious to his pressence. He sighed and turned back to Hotch and Rossi.

"Thank you, I'll take you up on that offer Agent Rossi."The three men and two women left for the evening. Spencer opened his eyes again to an empty room.

"Dad?" he said.

XXXXX

The next morning saw Will Reid and his son in better spirits. William entered Spencer's hospital room to the sight of Spencer awake and sitting up in bed, his half eaten food tray pushed to the side. He was still receiving oxygen and antibiotics intravenously but he looked happier and more alert. Much of that had to do with JJ sitting at his bedside showing him the recent pictures of Wills birthday party.

The two of them looked up when the older man entered the room.

"Dad, this is Jennifer Jareau, she works with us at the Bau," JJ smiled and offered her hand.

"Pleased to meet you Mr Reid," she said.

Will shook the young woman's hand, he glanced at the pictures she was holding. "Your son?" he asked politely.

Reid offered him a photo.

"Yes," she said with pride in her voice "and Spence here is his godfather."

"Really,?" Will was surprised. He looked at the photo closely. It was picture of Spencer sitting on the floor with a little blond toddler who was playing with building blocks. They both wore happy contented expressions. There was so much about his son's life he didn't know. His eyes went back to JJ. Here was this beautiful woman who liked and trusted Spencer enough to make him her son's godfather.

JJ stood and began to gather up the photos. "Spence I'll come by later ok?"

"Don't let me chase you away," said William.

"Oh, it's alright, I have to get to the office. Spence, please try to eat a little more." She pointed to his food tray.

Spencer nodded.

"Goodbye, pleased to meet you Mr Reid." JJ left and the two men were alone with each other.

"How are you feeling Spencer?" his father asked.

"Better, the antibiotics are working. I may have to stay here a few more days" His voice was still a little rough.

"Good, good I'm glad, I mean that you're better, not that you have to stay here."Will amended.

The next couple of minutes passed in an awkward silence until Reid spoke.

"Dad I need to ask you something"

"What is it?"

"You said to me that mom sent you here. What did you mean.?"

Will shrugged and tried to explain. "She did, she said she felt you were in trouble. She knew she couldn't get to you so she told me to help you."

He gave a nervous laugh. "I know it sounds ridiculous but your mother can be a very persuasive woman when she wants to be."

Reid gave a small smile. "No, I understand it's not ridiculous at all." Spencer looked down at his hands and appeared to be momentarily lost in thought.

William could hear the love in his voice when Spencer talked about his mother. No matter what Diana Reid had done, the mother and son had an unbreakable bond that Will knew he could never share. He blamed himself for much of that.

Reid glanced up at his father. "So I guess you'll be leaving now." he said.

His son's question caught him off guard, Before he could even answer, Reid's oncologist walked into the room with Reid"s medical chart tucked under his arm.

"Well you certainly keep me on my toes young man," he boomed. He recognized Reid's father "Ah, Mr Reid."

Will nodded.

The doctor wasted no time in getting down to business.

"So Spencer. we're happy to report the are antibiotics are working and you've shown dramatic improvement, we need to do more tests of course, but what you have is very serious, you need time to recover.I'm afraid we cannot go ahead with your last chemo treatment, at least not yet."

Reid took the news very calmly but his father did not.

"What! what do you mean?" you can't be serous?."

Dr Bledsoe could hear the panic in the man's voice. "Spencer is not strong enough to withstand chemo right now." he explained.

Will's eyes were wide. "It's his last treatment, you just can't stop treatment, he needs it."

The doctor remained calm." Mr Reid, the cure might very well kill him, he is just not strong enough. We have to wait,"

"Wait! wait for what , for the cancer to come back, to take hold of him."

"Dad please, It's alright."

William looked at his son, wild eyed. " No, it's not alright, I wont go through this again I can't." It felt like the walls were closing in on him ,images of his younger brother Daniel floated in front of him.

Dr Bledsoe looked at the man with compassion. Spencer was more surprised by his father's anger.

Will ran his hand through his hair."I'm sorry, I have to go." He strode out of the room pushing past a puzzled Morgan in the hallway.

Dr Bledsoe patted Reid on the leg. "I'm sorry Spencer," he said.

Reid suddenly felt exhausted. He rubbed his hand across his belly.

"I feel sick to my stomach." he said. He laid back down on his pillows." if it's alright I think I'll try to rest."

XXX

Will spent the next couple of hours walking around outside trying to regain his composure. Eventually he found himself sitting in his hotel bar knocking back his second glass of vodka. He figured he had drank more in the last few days than he had in the last ten years. He was angry, angry at himself for loosing it in Spencer's hospital room. Seeing his son like that and hearing treatment was being stopped was too much for him. It brought back too many unhappy memories of his younger brother Daniel. He belted down his drink and ordered another. The bartender frowned at him but he didn't care. He was halfway through his third vodka when he realized he had a way to help,to help Spencer in a way he could never help Daniel. He gulped down the rest of his liquid courage and hurried back to the hospital.

XXXX

Will felt like he couldn't get back to the hospital fast enough. He had to tell Spencer his idea and apologize for his earliar behavior. When he reached the floor Spencer was on, he was practically running and slightly out of breath. He rushed past the nurse's station. A nurse called out to him.

"Mr Reid wait! "

He ignored her and burst into Spencer's room breathless. He froze the moment he stepped over the threshold.

The room was empty and the medical equipment was gone, as was Spencer. The bed was stripped and any evidence that anyone had ever been there was gone as well. He looked around the room bewildered

He heard a nurse come into the room. .

"We tried to find you Mr Reid." she said softly.

He turned around, his eyes wide,

"WHERE IS MY SON?"

TBC.

AN.: This took a long time to write and once again i apologize for taking so long to update. I wanted to make this a long chapter to hopeully make up for it a little.

I wanted to explain a scene in case anyone thinks Will Reid would not do what he does in the story.

In the episode"Memoriam' in a flashback. Reids father is sitting on his bed and says to him 'Daddy loves you' I feel that William never really had a relationshop with Spencer as an adult and the father child dynamic was the only one his subconcious had to draw on. I wanted to explain in case any one felt that was a complete cheese ball scene and totally out of character.

Anyway, hope you enjoy this chapter. Please read and reveiw. Love to hear your thoughts.


	33. Chapter 33

**Here and There**

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds.

_'A man should look for what is, not for what he thinks should be.'_ ~ Albert Einstein.

XXXXX

_William Reid stood and stared at the gravestone. He was not the type to visit graves but today he felt compelled to come to this place. His heart hurt and he thought maybe visiting would somehow ease his pain, It didn't. In fact he felt worse. He stared down at the small flat stone. It only seemed like a physical reminder of all the things he had failed at. The person he once loved was not here. He could not touch them or talk to them nor hear their voice answer back. There was just a cold hard stone. _

_He sat down on the tough desert grass. He pulled out a hankerchef and wiped the dust off the stone. A tear rolled down his cheek and he covered his face with his hands ._

_"I wish I could have helped you" he whispered._

_He thought of Diana and how strong she was. Another trait Spencer had got from her. He thought of the last time he had seen his son. It was only a month ago he had rushed into his hospital room in DC and discovered Spencer was no longer there. A nurse had come rushing in after him and for those few tense seconds he feared the worse had memory of that moment felt like a punch to the gut._

_XXX_

**One month ago**

"Mr Reid!"

"WHERE IS MY SON," He shouted. He could feel a paralyzing panic creeping over him.

"Please Mr Reid calm down it's alright, Spencer was taken to surgery an hour ago; he's probably still in recovery," The nurse explained to him in a firm voice.

William only stared at her as if he couldn't comprehend what she was saying. She walked over to him and took his arm, in a gentler voice she said, "Your son is alright, he was taken to surgery. We tried to contact you,"

"Surgery... why, where?"

"Come with me to the waiting room. The doctor is probably still there, he will explain it all to you."

Will let the young woman lead him to a waiting room almost a wing away. He saw Agents Hotchner and Rossi and a pretty dark haired woman .

sitting together.

"Where's Spencer ?" He said to three looked at each other.

Hotch stood up and guided William to a seat. He saw how distraught the man looked. Prentiss came over and offered her hand.

"Hello, Mr Reid, I'm Emily Prentiss, I work with your son,"

William stared blankly at her. She looked familiar and he couldn't remember if they had met before. He was usually more polite but his mind was filled with Spencer and his promise to Diana.

"Why is Spencer in surgery, what happened," he blurted out. Finally he was able to form a co-herent sentence. Before she could answer, a doctor in surgical garb came walking towards them.

"Spencer Reid," he said.

"Yes," they said in unison. The doctor smiled at them.

"Spencer is fine, he's still very groggy. He was not put out completely, he was given a drug that put him in more of a twilight sleep. They're going to observe him for a while in recovery, then he'll be sent to a new room. You should be able to see him soon, just don't tire him out."

William jumped to his feet. "Wait, I want to know why Spencer needed to have surgery, I'm his father; nobody has told me anything." he cast accusing glances at the three FBI agents.

The doctor looked at him surprised.

Oh, I'm sorry, Mr Reid, I assumed you knew. Spencer was having extreme trouble breathing earliar this afternoon, xrays showed his lungs were fillied with fluid. We inserted a pleural cavity drainage tube. It was really a minor surgery. We also have him on diuretics and of course antibotics because the fluid in the lungs has become infected. I warn you he wont be feeling so great the next couple of days but his breathing will be much easier," The doctor looked expectedly at him awaiting more questions.

William sunk to his seat "this is too much," he murmured.

"Thank you Doctor," Hotch said. The doctor nodded and went on his way. Hotch sat down beside William.

Rossi turned to Prentiss."How about you and I go on a coffee run, There's a Starbucks down the street,"

"Sounds good, Hotch we'll be back in a bit," Prentiss said.

Hotch mouthed a thank you at them and turned his attention back to William who looked like he had been hit by a truck.

"I can't imagine what you must feel like," Hotch said.

William looked at the man beside him,"Do you have a son Agent Hotchner," William asked.

"Yes I do, he's four, I'm a single parent," Hotch told him.

"Spencer was raised by a single parent, not me, his mother, his sick mentally ill mother. That is what I left my ten year old boy with," he said bitterly.

"I deserve this pain but Spencer doesn't. I wish it was me in there. I'm not a monster agent Hotchner, I love my son,"

Hotch remained silent, this man did not want advice he needed to vent.

"Did you know his mother sent me here, because she instinctively knew something was wrong. This is a woman who lives in a insane asylum. I go down the street and have a few drinks and I dont even know he's being taken to surgery, She's thousands of miles away and she's still a better parent than me." He hung his head unable to say any more.

Hotch sighed, "Mr Reid, I can only speak from my own experience.I know I should have been there more for my son in the past but I can't change that. All I can do is be a good father right now, while I can. I don't believe Reid's mother would have even called you if she thought you were lacking in parental love or wouldn't be good for Reid."

William smiled at that. "You know, even in her current condition his mother is a force to be reckoned with."

Hotch raised his eyebrows. "The apple doesn't fall far from the tree then," he said.

"Spencer's a force?"

"Yes, in his own special "_don't know what hit you"_ way" Hotch said with a grin."he's kept me on my toes more than I'd like to admit."

Reid's father felt a flush of pride that this man thought so highly of his son. It was then that the two men noticed a young nurse standing in front of them with a clipboard.

"Spencer is awake now if someone would like to go see him, he's still a bit sleepy, so not too long,ok?" she said.

"You go," Hotch said.

William stood "Yes, I'd like to see him,"

The nurse smiled . "Follow me," she said. He followed her through a set of double doors and down a winding corridor until William found himself in a doorway of a dimly lit room ,'

"He's in there, now not too long,"

Will stepped into the room. Spencer lay with his eyes closed, He looked so small despite his height. A frail delicate figure beneath the starchy white hospital sheets. The dark circles around his eyes stood out in stark contrast to his pale almost translucent skin. At least he didn't look blue anymore like he did when William first arrived in DC.

_"The drugs must be helping him."_ Will thought and he was grateful for any type of progress. It was something he could tell Diana when he called her. He promised to call with updates even if it mean't only passing on the message to Dr Norman and his staff.

He pulled a chair up beside the bed; it made a loud scraping sound on the hard tile floor. Spencer opened his eyes and didn' t seem surprised to see his father sitting there.

"Hi dad." he said, his voice low and hoarse.

"Hi Spencer, how you feeling?" William said quietly.

"Better, I can breath better now," he answered.

William looked at all the medical paraphenalia surrounding his son. Spencer had oxygen prongs in his nose, he could see the drainage tube and the moniters that kept check of his heart rate and blood pressure. At the side of his bed there was the IV that sent life saving antibiotics into his system. A frightening sight to many, William still thought his son looked beautiful.

"You look better too Spencer, much better." he told him.

Spencer grimaced a little, he was clearly uncomfortable. He had refused painkillers.

"Dad, I think I might sleep a little more,"

"Ok Spencer, is it alright if I sit here a bit longer?"

Reid nodded and closed his eyes. William reached over and took one of Spencer's hands in his. It was so cold. He studied his son's long elegant fingers. It had been a long time since he had held his son's last time was likely when he was just a little boy. He had been such a small boy. He held the limp hand against his cheek in an effort to warm it.

It was then he remembered what had got him so excited earliar, why he had come rushing back to the hospital. Finding Spencer missing and discovering he was in surgery knocked him for a loop. Now he knew what he had to do. He felt a determination take over him again. He was going to help Spencer. But now was not the time to speak of it, he would wait a few days. Suddenly he felt lighter like a load had been taken off his shoulders. He leaned forward til his elbows were resting on the narrow bed. He gazed at his sleeping son.

"It's going to be alright now Spencer, I'm here, I know what you need."

XXXXX

Five days passed and William visited Spencer everyday. The team seemed to take rotating shifts staying with him as well.

William still had not said anything about what he was about to propose to Spencer and his doctors but he thought today would be the right time. Spencer was stronger, the drainage tube was coming out and he was responding well to his antibiotics. He also knew Spencer's oncologist would be in today .

He could hear voices as he approached his son's room. He slowed down and waited just outside the door for a minute; he could see inside. Spencer was sitting up in bed playing cards with agent Prentiss. William found her at Reids bedside almost every day when he came to visit. They were chatting and exchanging jibes in an almost flirty manner. He wondered if this woman was much more than just a co worker.

He cleared his throat as he entered the room. Reid looked up as Emily folded her cards.

"I fold Dr Reid, " she annouced.

"I win again I guess," he said in a fake bored tone. She picked up a magazine and gave him a playful swat on the head.

"He cheats you know," she said to Reid's father.

Reid started to laugh but it turned into a cough. Emily was immediately at his side as he fought to keep his breath. William noted how concerned she looked. Several minutes later his hacking finally settled down. Emily rubbed soothing circles on his back. He gave her a grateful smile which she returned.

Will almost felt he was intruding on some private moment between the two of them. They seemed to be so in sync with one another, conveying their feelings with just a touch or a smile.

Then it was gone; before his eyes they became Agents Reid and Prentiss again.

Prentiss put on her jacket "I'll come by tomorrow for a rematch, nice to see you again Mr Reid," she said

She smiled at Reid and patted his knee. Will thought her fingers lingered just a fraction of a second too long.

"Goodbye Agent Prentiss," he said as she left.

He turned to his son "She's a very beautiful woman Spencer."

Reid nodded in agreement."Yes she is and an amazing friend."

"Is she more than a friend?"

"What do you mean?" Spencer answered, looking at his father with a puzzled expression.

"I mean are you and her... do the two of you, do you have a imtimate relationship?"

Suddenly Reid's pale visage was filled with colour. William realized he might have asked the wrong question. Spencer was blushing to the tips of his ears.

"DAD!.. ah no, how could you even ask me... were friends, just friends," Reid stammered.

William put up his hands, "Sorry, I made a mistake," he said, though the expression "_I think thou doth protest too much" _came to mind.

Spencer just looked at him and shook his head. It occurred to William that they were having an actual father and son moment. But before he could fully enjoy i,t Dr Bledsoe entered the room.

"Spencer!", He boomed "I have news for you, some test results,"

_Once _again cancer came in and took front and centre stage.

Spencer looked scared and seeing his fear scared William as well.

The Doctor noticed William standing there."Hello Mr Reid," He eyed him a little warily after the scene this man had caused before.

"I'm just here to relay some good news to your son." he told him.

Spencer relaxed a little."It's ok, my father can stay" he told the doctor.

"Alright then, Spencer I've been reading the reports on your bloodwork and xrays. You are doing well; you should be able to go home in the next couple of days, You still need to take the antibiotics for another three weeks but by then I think we should be able to administer your last course of chemo." The Doctor smiled broadly at him.

Reid felt excited too, like he had won some sort of weird lottery and the prize was chemo. The fear and dread he used to feel was now replaced by happy anticipation. Did he dare to hope there was an end to this? He looked over at his father who stood there with a strange expression.

'What's wrong Dad?" Spencer asked, the smile fading from his face.

Dr Bledsoe gave William a stony look. He did not want this man upsetting his patient again.

William felt their eyes upon him as they waited for him to say something

"Dr Bledsoe, I think this is great news, but it has come to my attenion something else could be done in place of chemo,"

"And what would that be?" asked the doctor.

Williams eyes lit up. "A bone marrow transplant," he said.

Dr Bledsoe peered over his glasses at the middle aged man in front of him, "Bone marrow? I hardly think..."

William didn't give him a chance to finish his sentence. He took a deep breath, he was aware of Bledsoe glaring at him and the confused look on Spencers face.

"Years ago, my younger brother Daniel had cancer, His chemo was not effective and they thought a bone marrow transplant might help him. I was not a match, one couldn't be found. I couldn't help him. "Will's eyes watered at the memory.

"I happen to know for a fact Spencer and I are the same blood type and yes I know it is more complicated then that. There are antigen tests as well, so a more thorough testing would have to be done," he continued.

Spencer and the doctor exchanged looks.

"Mr Reid, I am sorry about your brother, but I'm sure Spencer's case must be different"

"Yes yes I know but so much has changed in the last 25 years I don't think drilling into the pelvic girdle is even neccesary as more, stem cells can be extracted from the blood, I've been reading about it all week. There have been cures from this". Will's voice began to rise in excitment.

William looked back and forth between the two men wondering why they weren't as excited as he was. Dr Bledsoe pursed his lips together and looked like he was thinking how to carefully choose his words.

"I don't think you understand. Mr Reid, even if you were a suitable donar, preparing Spencer for it might be dangerous for him. He has been compromised enough. His treatment has been going well. He has only one chemotherapy left. I wholeheartedly believe that is the way to go." the doctor said gently .

"But the delay in chemo, the cancer cells will start to grow again."

The doctor shook his head, "The delay isn't that long. Bone marrow transplants can be a wonderful thing, but it is not right for Spencer"

"And I agree," Reid said to his father.

William sat down in the visitors chair behind him. He clasped his hands together and looked at Reid with pleading eyes.

"Why wont you let me help you ?" he asked his son, his voice barely audible "are you punishing me?"

Reid closed his eyes and sighed. "Dad no, I'm doing what's best for me. I am not a medical doctor but don't you think I would have studied every possible course of treatment. I understand things more than the average layman. I'm glad you want to help me so much, but this isn't the way to do it. Do you understand? It's not about you and me and our relationship"

"Yes, of course Spencer," He looked up at him feeling deflated. "If you don't mind I'll be off." He stood and offered his son a tight smile.

"I'll come back tonight, goodday Dr Bledsoe," He gave Spencer's hand a squeeze and left the room. Once he was out in the hall he walked quickly towards the exit not even stopping to speak to Rossi who had just stepped off the elevator with takeout coffee in his hands.

Rossi's eyes followed the man as he saw him rush out the exit by the stairs.

"Well that doesn't look good," he said to himself.

xxxxxx

William found himself at the same bar as before. It was a dark and quiet kind of place, just perfect for getting drunk and being left alone. He signaled the bartender for another drink.

He had failed his son again. He thought he had found the way to help him. He was wrong.

"Wrong wrong wrong," he repeated in a singsong voice as he swirled the ice around in his nearly empty glass. The bartender looked him over and wondered if this guy might be a problem tonight.

Will smiled at the man and gestured at his glass.

"Top me up buddy," he asked.

"Are you sure you want to do that?" said a familiar voice.

Will turned around in his bar stool and found himself looking straight into the eyes of David Rossi.

"Mind if I join you " Rossi said as he slipped into the barstool beside William.

"No, not at all, how did you find me?" Will asked.

Rossi smiled,"Let's just say I'm good at my job."

"If you've come to telll me I'm an asshole you needn't bother," Will said, sipping what was left of his vodka.

"Actually I don't think that, well maybe for a bit when I first met you," Rossi joked.

"How is Spencer?" Will asked, wanting to change the subject.

"The same, but confused by you. He told me what you proposed, the bone marrow thing." Rossi told him.

"Yes, my efforts to help him went over like a lead balloon,"

Rossi gave him a sidelong glance "Maybe it's because he's not the person you were really trying to help." he said.

William turned in his chair looking affronted "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"Exactly what I said."

Willl gave an exasperated sigh, "Oh I get it, psychobabble, I couldn't help my brother, so now I'm using my own son as a surrogate."

Rossi shrugged,"Maybe there's a bit of that too, but I really think you're trying to _help you_, I think guilt gnaws away at you all the time and you hope that some selfless act on your part will somehow make up for years of neglect."

William stared hard at the bar in front of him "Maybe you should go agent Rossi"

Rossi leaned over and pushed the vodka on the rocks the bartender had just set down away from Will.

"I'm going, but you need to go see your son, and stop running out when it gets a little tough in there. Just be there, I believe that's all he ever really wanted."

Rossi got up and strode out the door. Will rested his head in his hands and remembered what Diana had said to him.

XXXXX

Visiting hours at the hospital were nearly over but he didn't let it deter him. He had thought about what Agent Rossi had said to him in the bar. As cruel and hurtful he felt those those words were, he had to admit the man was not that far off.

He _was_ plagued by guilt; he felt guilt about everything. He walked into Spencer's room; he was sitting up but his eyes were closed. His father didn't want to disturb him so he turned to leave. He heard Spencer's voice.

"Dad," he said.

William turned around. "Sorry Spencer I didn't mean to wake you."

"That's ok,"

"I just came here to tell you I'm sorry for the way I behaved the last couple of days. I really did want to help you,"

"I know," Reid paused for a moment "Dad, you said Mom sent you here, would you tell me precisely what she said."

"Well I can't tell you verbatim but she told me to help you, to find out what you needed and help you... wait I know,

she said 'ask Spencer what will help him and do it.'

Suddenly it dawned on Will he had not even talked to Spencer about what he needed; it hadn't even occurred to him. He felt deeply ashamed. He had just barged in and started coming up with his own ideas. He had screwed up again.

"Oh Spencer. I'm sorry, I'm a idiot,"

Reid raised his eyebrows "You can still ask me you know," Spencer said.

Will huffed a laugh "Sure, Spencer, what do you need. What can I do to help you?"

Reid gave him a weary smile and gestured to the chair beside the bed.

"Sit down dad and I'll tell you,"

XXXXXX

**Present day**

_Will looked up at the clear blue nevada sky. It was a beautiful day. The nights could be cool but that was typical of the desert. He touched the gravestone again and let his fingers feel the name engraved upon it_

_'Daniel Reid' _

_"I wish I could have helped you too.' he whispered again. _

_William stood and brushed the dust off his pants with his hands. He wanted to look nice today. _

_He had to smile at what Spencer had requested. Though it made perfect sense. His son had told him that it worried him he couldn't look after his mother the way he he used to. He barely wrote her letters anymore and thought she probably missed them. _

_He had asked his father to keep a check on his mother. To visit her once in a while and not to worry if she didn't know who he was,'it happens sometimes" he told him. She needed a connection to her old life._

_Will agreed of course and was quietly amused at the irony of the situation. It was almost like an O'Henry story. The mother sends him to look after the son and the son sends him back to look after the mother._

_He looked at his watch and figured Diana must be finished her lunch by would be a good day to see her. He thought maybe they could even take a walk around the grounds, she used to like going for walks._

_Will turned and walked towards his car._

TBC

Again my apologies for such a long wait. Next chapter is Reid's last chemo. Please read and review. Thanks to everyone who reviewed previous chapters and for having a lot of patience. 


	34. Wondering and waiting

**Wondering and Waiting**

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds.

XXXXX

_'Brave actions never want a trumpet,'_ ~ Thomas Fuller.

**Thursday Evening.**

Reid sat on his sofa and watched as Garcia fluttered about his apartment. She had spent the evening with him, made his dinner and they had watched TV together. Now it seemed to him she was stalling, like she was afraid to go home and leave him by himself.

He had been home from the hospital for nearly three weeks recovering from a near fatal bout of puemonia. At his last checkup his doctor told him he thought Spencer was strong enough for his last chemo treatment and tomorrow was to be the day. He was excited and frightened at the same time. He wanted to get it over with. He knew how sick it usually made him and he was pretty sure he could handle that. It was the waiting that came afterward. When the time came to get rechecked thoroughly to see if the treatment had been a success. This is what really scared him. What if it didn't, The radiation hadn't been very successful, what if this wasn't either? He shivered and shook his head as if to rid himself of these negative thoughts.

"Hey boo, what's wrong?" said Garcia in a soft voice. She was standing above him wearing a worried expression.

Reid smiled at her, "Nothing, just...thinking,"

Garcia sat down beside him and took his hands in hers. She noticed how cold they were .

"Reid sweetie, I can stay the night if you want. Tomorrow is well... it's a big day for you,"

Reid gave a small laugh. "I'm ok, Kevin is waiting for you; really I'm fine. It's not like I havent done this before, " he told her.

Garcia searched his large hazel eyes looking for signs of a lie or fear, she saw none. She clasped his hands together in an effort to warm them and leaned over and gave him a kiss on the forehead.

"Alright, but when I leave, you should go straight to bed. Derek will be here bright and early to take you to the clinic."

Spencer rolled his eyes.

"I saw that junior gman," she admonished as she stood up to leave. Spencer got up and walked her to the door.

"Goodnight Garcia," he said as he leaned heavily on the door. He was still a little weak from all the bedrest.

She bit her lip in an effort not to get emotional. It had been a long journey and she was almost afraid to hope that it might finally be coming to an end. She stood on her toes and gave him another quick peck on the cheek. It made him smile.

"Goodnight Reid," She said and walked away, she waited until she heard his apartment door close before she let the tears fall.

XXXXXX

**Friday Morning**

Reid didn't need the alarm clock to wake him; he awoke on his own. He had taken Garcia's advice/order and went to bed right after she left. It was hard to keep his mind calm and relaxed enough to sleep but he finally managed a few hours. He got up, made a pot of coffee and headed to the bathroom to shower.

He stripped off his pyjamas and studied himself in the mirror. He was used to the way he looked now. His hair was not lost entirely to chemo due to the type of drugs he was on but he thought it still resembled a poorly built rats nest. His cheeks were hollow and his eyes were sunken, the dark cirles around them darker than ever. His body was another story entirely. It used to make him wince to look at his reflection, now he was resigned to it. He often tried to disguise his lack of actual body fat and muscle with layers of clothes. It just made him appear weirder looking.

Reid did his other morning ritual. He palpated his lymph nodes. He wanted to feel if they had shrunk to normal size. It was so hard to tell; He was so skinny and he had just been ill. He spent fifteen minutes doing this, he finally gave up, feeling them obsessively every morning didn't make them any smaller. Reid sighed as he caught a glimpse of his genitals. An odd thought crossed his mind that made him giggle.

'_One pair of male genitals, never used, aestheticly pleasing and fully functional, best offer.' _At least he hoped they were fully functional.

Austin, the girl he had met in Georgia still called him now and then but the last time she called she mentioned she had met someone. She said she hoped they could still get together as friends. He was not heartbroken, they hadn't even really dated, though sometimes he wished Prentiss hadn't burst in on them that day in his bedroom. This virginity thing was turning out to be a pesky thing to get rid of.

Reid stepped in the shower and let the hot water cascade over him till he felt hot and tingly. He realized this was probably the best he was going to be feeling for quite a while, he might as well enjoy these small moments while he could .The doorbell rang and barely a second later he heard a familiar pounding on the door. Morgan was here.

Spencer got out of the shower as quickly as he could and stumbled to the door. Derek had a habit of breaking doors down if they weren't opened in a timely manner. The doorbell rang again and Reid managed to open the door before the pounding started waking every neighbour on his floor.

"Ok ok Derek, I'm alive," he said as he flung the door open.

"Ooh prettyboy, that's a good look for you," Derek teased as he entered the apartment carrying takeout coffee and food.

Reid was still dripping wet and wore only a large towel around his waist that nearly reached his ankles. He made a face at his colleague and snatched the coffee out of his hand.

"I'll ignore that remark since you brought coffee. He sank down on his sofa, tore the lid off his coffee and took a deep drink.

Morgan grinned and sat down opposite him tossing him a McDonalds bag.

"Here, an egg McMuffin and a hash brown, don't say I never do anything for you."

Reid leaned back and sipped the hot black liquid. He had made coffee but there was something about takeout that always seemed like a treat. He closed his eyes and made a sound of contentment. He was glad to see that Derek was in a teasing mood. He couldn't take another person looking at him as if he were going to disappear any moment.

Derek studied his friend's face, Reid was looking strangely blissed out on cheap takeout. Small riverlets of water ran down from his longish hair and pooled in little concave places on his chest and stomach. He noted how casual Reid was about being undressed in front of him now. A couple of years ago he would have blushed from head to toe if anyone even saw him in his PJ's.

"Man Reid, maybe you should see someone about this coffee problem of yours," Morgan joked as he took the lid off his own cup.

Reid peered at him through narrowed eyes and sneered.

"Eat that food too; I have Garcia to answer to." Morgan informed him.

Spencer picked up the breakfast sandwich and removed the packaging. He knew as did Derek, any food he ate now would probably be tossed up later but he was just as afraid of Garcia's wrath as Morgan. He took small bites and tossed the hash brown back to Derek.

"Here, we can say we had breakfast together." Reid said.

Derek shrugged and chomped down the greasy potato patty. He would let Reid enjoy his coffee before he started nagging him to get going. Today _was_ a big day but he was doing his damnest to make it seem like a normal one. He wanted his Reid back, his annoying statistic spouting genius friend. He missed him more than he could say. He saw Spencer crumple up the half eaten sandwich in a napkin and sit up.

"I'll get dressed, be back in a a few minutes." Spencer said.

Morgan watched as he held on to his towel and padded slowly to the bedroom. Morgan cringed at how weak he still seemed to be and hoped this last chemo treatment wouldn't be too hard on him.

Reid dressed as comfortably as he could. He would be sitting in the clinic a long time. Morgan waited patiently as Reid insisted on one more coffee before they left. It almost seemed to him that he was stalling.

XXXXX

The ride to the clinic was quiet. Reid donned his sunglasses and leaned back in the seat and stared out the window.

"You alright?" Morgan asked.

Again Reid turned, smiled and nodded. Morgan couldn't see his eyes.

"We're in the home stretch kid," Morgan said.

"I know," said Reid softly, "I know."

It was 7 am, the parking lot was nearly empty, a nurse greeted him as they walked through the doors of the clinic.

"Hey Spencer, did you miss us?" she said with a grin.

He was used to her humour, "No, not at all," he replied

"Me too, I was hoping never to see your face in here again," She patted him on the arm and led him to the room where they did the chemo.

"It looks like I'm the only one here," he said looking around the empty clinic.

She turned and raised her eyebrows at him "This early you would think so but apparently not," she opened the door and inside sat the other five members of the BAU.

He stared at them partly stunned "W.. What's going on?" he stammered.

The nurse guided him to the chair with the wide arms, "Relax, I'll be back in a few minutes," she said as she went into the other room to prepare.

Garcia came over and gave him another kiss on the cheek. "Sweetstuff, we're here to support you, we have to be at work in a couple of hours, so this is sort of a farewell party of sorts,"

Reid frowned, "A farewell party?"

"A farewell to chemo, to cancer," said JJ hurriedly.

"I think farewell is too nice, I perfer to tell cancer to fuck off?" said Rossi. They heard a snort of laughter from the nurse in the other room.

Garcia began handing out filled champagne glasses.

"What is this?" asked Reid, still feeling bewildered.

"It's just orange juice and club soda," answered Prentess. She wrinkled her nose a bit as if in disgust. "A drop of vodka would've..."

"On duty Emily," sang Rossi. Emily rolled her eyes which made JJ laugh.

Garcia came around again and handed out fresh croissants, "Here hon," she leaned closer. "Kevin wanted to make you a special batch of brownies but... you know ," she whispered as her eyes darted towards their unit chief.

"Garcia, may I remind you we are a roomful of FBI agents," said the stern voice of Hotch..

Reid looked over at Hotch to see if he were really angry but the man was smiling at him.

The nurse returned with the IV and the drugs. The room was silent as she inserted the canula into his arm. He winced a little since his arms were now so thin. Then the drugs were injected into the IV.

"There you go Spencer, I'l be right outside, enjoy your friends," she said.

"I will,'' he told her.

XXXXXX

The team stayed and talked shop omitting the most gory details until they had to to leave for the office. The women kissed him on the cheek on the way out. Rossi clappped him on the shoulder and told him "We need your lazy ass back at work,"

"One of us will be back later to take you home," Derek said.

Hotch lingered behind for a few minutes. He could see Reid was getting tired. He sat down opposite him. Reid looked at him with wide eyes as if fearing some sort of reprisal. It reminded Hotch of Jack for a moment.

Hotch's expression softened as he faced the young man in front of him.

"I probably havent told you this enough times or maybe not at all. You are one of the strongest men I know. I feel in my gut this is going to work out Spencer,"

"Thank you Hotch," Reid was at a loss for words. This was the first time Hotch had ever addressed him by his first name like a friend would, though he never really doubted that Hotch was his friend.

Hotch stood and gave the young man a squeeze on his shoulder.

"See you later,"

"Yeah,"

He watched his boss walk out the door. He was so tired now, he heard other patients coming in now as well as other employes. He leaned back and closed his eyes. The sleep that had eluded him the night before overtook him and the next thing he remembered was the nurse shaking his shoulder and telling him he was nearly done.

"C'mon Dr Reid, you're done, it's time to go home."

He sat up slowly blinking at the light, An older man sitting next to him without hair and teeth winked at him. The nurse removed the IV from his arm.

"Are you ready," she asked him.

"Yes, I think I am."

TBC.

AN: You will be happy to hear there are only two or three chapters left of this story. I intend to update more often even if it means pushing aside my other stories for a bit Please read and review and thanks to all who have so patiently hung in there.


	35. Strauss and Strength

**Strauss and Strength**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal minds.**

_'Some People care too much, I think it's called love'~ _Winnie the Pooh

XXXXX

Emily had told the team that she would drive Reid home after his last chemo and stay with him. She pulled up to the front of the clinic where she saw him sitting alone on the concrete steps. He didn't see her at first. She took a moment to study him as he sat there. His posture was stooped like an old mans and he wore an stoney unreadible expression on his face. When he looked up and saw her, his entire visage changed immediately. He waved and gave her a weary smile as he got up and slowly made his way to her car.

"Draw the short straw again ?" he quipped as he got into the seat beside her.

"No silly, I wanted the afternoon off and I know Rossi left some fine expensive Scotch at your place," she teased.

He started to smile, but something else seemed to overwhelm him. He laid his head back against the headrest, he gave a small cough and wrinkled his nose.

"What's wrong?" she asked, concerned.

Reid shook his head. "I can smell pizza or something, don't worry about it,"

Emily silently cursed herself. She forgot how sensitive he had become to odors. She remembered not to wear cologne but forgot about the take-out pizza that was in her car the other day.

"Sorry Reid, are you going to throw up. do you need to get out of the car?" she asked worriedly

"No, no lets go home, I'll make it." He tried to smile at her in an effort to show her he was okay.

Emily rolled the windows down and they made it back to his apartment just in time for him to race to the bathrroom and throw up. She felt guilty; usually he lasted a lot longer before he began to feel sick.

He emerged from the bathrooom pale, sweaty and a trifle embarrassed looking.

"I think I need to lie down early today " he told her.

"Sure, I'll help you." Emily guided him into the bedroom and helped him off with his clothes til he clad was in nothing but a pair of baggy boxer shorts.

"You want a t-shirt?" she asked.

Reid nodded. He had stopped being shy about being unclothed a long time ago. A year ago, the old Spencer would have been mortified to have Emily see him in notrhing but his underware and there was no way would he have allowed her to help him dress. Cancer had done away with his modesty. He and Emily had an unspoken agreement between them. They were not agents Reid and Prentiss when they were in his apartment, they were Emily and Spencer.

She pulled a soft t-shirt over his head and gently pushed him down on the mattress. She stroked the hair out of his face.

"Did you take your anti emetics?" she asked. Spencer mumbled a yes.

Emily pulled a light blanket up to his chest "Good, maybe when your're feeling better, we can watch a DVD or I can heat you up some soup, ok?"

"Kay, " he answered in a small voice. He curled up on his side and closed his eyes.

She quietly walked to the living room. She scanned his bookcase; he had a massive selection of books to read. She pulled what she thought would be light reading and settled herself on his sofa. It was so quiet and comfortable that she barely made it past the second chapter before she was sound asleep.

XXXX

The book Emily had been reading slipped from her hands and fell to the floor. The sudden movement and noise woke her up. She blinked and looked around the living room. The lights were on and clock on the wall told her it was 2:30 in the morning. She couldn't believe she had slept that long. Suddenly it occurred to her that Reid had not woken her up. Usually the sound of him getting up or even the retching sounds from the bathroom would rouse her instantly from the deepest sleep. She hurried to his bedroom; the lights were on but Reid's bed was empty.

"Reid, Spencer, where are you?".The bathroom was dark and the door was partially closed. She flicked the switch on, there on the floor lay Reid. He was curled up on his side and appeared to be fast asleep. Emily knelt beside him and gently shook his shoulder.

"Reid, wake up, why are you sleeping on the floor?"

He awoke and lifted his head. She could see dried tears on his face and knew it was because of the effort of vomiting.

"I was sick so many times it was easier to sleep here, plus the tile is nice and cool," he explained.

" Honey, I could have gotten you a bucket and put it beside your bed," she told him.

"That's gross," he said wrinkling his nose.

"Ok handsome, I'm putting you back in bed with a pail on the side, gross or not,"

Spencer let Emily help him supplied him with a fresh t-shirt and a glass of water to sip on. He groggily fell back against the pillows. Emily went into the living room, changed into a pair of pyjamas she kept in her go bag and returned to Spencer's room. She climbed into bed beside him. He opened his eyes and smiled gratefully at her. It was another one of their unspoken agreements. When he was having a really bad night she stayed in the same bed. He seemed to sleep better when she was there. They lay facing each other; his eyes were dark and worried.

"The chemo is going out with a bang this time." he said " It hasn't made me feel this ill in a long time,"

"It's the last one Reid, it's almost over," she said.

He turned over on his back and looked up at the ceiling ,"Yes, one way or the other it's almost over." speaking more to himself than to her.

She reached out and put her hand on his chest. "You'll feel better in the morning, Let's get some sleep,"

Reid nodded in agreement and both profilers turned over on their sides away from each other like they were trying to keep some sort of respectful distance. However once they were asleep, their bodies needing warmth and comfort seemed to find each other in the darkness. Emily woke up a few hours later with Spencer's back pressed up against her chest and her knees tucked into the back of his. One of her arms was wrapped around his waist while he held onto her hand.

It was still dark outside, not time to get up, she closed her eyes and went back to sleep, perfectly content.

XXXXXX

Emily had told Spencer that he would be feeling better in the morning. Unfortunately, he felt worse. He wasn't throwing up as much due to the anti emetics but he woke up that morning with fever and chills and she could tell by the way he grimaced that he was in pain.

"Just a little achy," he told her when he saw her apprehension. She managed to get him to drink some gingerale and was relieved when it didn't come back up. He stayed in bed and dozed on and off.

At 3:00 oclock in the afternoon Rossi showed up at the door holding a thermos full of what he called his _'famous homemade chicken soup'._

"This soup has been passed down through generations of Rossi's " He began but stopped when he saw the look on Prentiss's face.

"Hey, what's wrong?" She looked frightened and he didn't like it. "Emily?"

Emily shook her head and sat down on the sofa. "I'm sorry, he had a really bad night, he's so sick. He has a fever, he's in pain, he won't let me call his doctor. I don't know what to do for him..." She threw her hands in the air in frustration.

David sat down beside her and took her hand. "He'll get through this Emily. He hasn't come this far to get knocked out by one chemo treatment. Look, you are probably exhausted too. He had to delay this last chemo because he was getting treatment in the hospital. His immune system is just fighting extra hard. I'll make us a pot of coffee and when it's a bit later we'll switch to something stronger, alright ?" he said and winked at her.

Emily gave him a tired smile. "You know all of the right things to say agent Rossi,"

"That's not what my ex wives used to say."

Emily laughed and for the first time in the last 12 hours she felt some of the tension leave her body.

XXXXXX

Rossi stayed and chatted with Emily til they heard Reid stirring in the other room. Prentiss was about to get up when Rossi motioned for her to stay put. He reheated his soup and went into Reid's bedroom. Spencer sitting up in bed looked surprised to see him.

"David, hi." he said weakly.

Rossi had to agree with Prentiss. He did look worse. His eyes were darker and more sunken than Rossi had ever seen them.

"I brought you some soup," Rossi said holding up the large steaming mug.

Reid winced, he couldn't believe Rossi was even suggesting food.

"Thanks but I'll have some later, I don't think I have the energy to eat." He was telling the truth, even lifting his arms seemed like a supreme effort.

Rossi scowled slightly and sat on the side of the bed.

"Reid, I don't think you understand, this just isn't any ordinary soup. This is my famous homemade chicken soup passed down through generations of Rossi's. No one says no to this soup." he explained. He placed a napkin on Reids lap.

"Rossi really I..."

"Do you think this is a easy recipe, no it takes hours to make, it has been simmered to perfection," David continued. He pulled a soup spoon out of his breast pocket.

Spencer realized he wasn't going to win this one.

"Alright, just a bit but you don't have to feed me I'm capable of...,'' Reid began.

Before he could finish his sentence Rossi was holding up the soup filled spoon and offering it to him. Spencer complied by taking a large mouthful.

"Resistence is futile," Rossi said with a grin.

Reid would have argued with him but the fact was the soup really was delicious. It tasted wonderful and he felt a warm glow spread through his body.

David continued to feed him until the mug was nearly empty.

"Reid laid his hand on his stomach and looked at Rossi in wonderment.

"I actually feel better, what's in that stuff,? he asked.

Rossi arched an eyebrow at him "That is an old family secret," he said setting the mug down.

Spencer leaned back against his headboard. He felt better but he still felt weak, Hopefully he didn't have to do this anymore. It was difficult to keep all the dark thoughts that swirled around in his mind at bay. He saw Rossi staring at him.

"What's going on up there? " David asked, noticing the sad expression on the young man's face.

"I'm thinking about all the things I've never done," He answered.

"All of us have things we've never done." said Rossi.

"I've never had sex," Reid stated.

Rossi looked at him blandly."I'm sorry Reid, but feeding you soup is as far as I'm willing to go."

Reid erupted into laughter, giving Rossi the result he wanted.

Prentiss entered the room surprised to see Reid giggling.

"Wow, that must be really good soup, may I have some?" she said. Rossi gave her a big smile.

"Emily, I don't have to go back into the BAU today. I have a collection of Marx Brothers films, how about get them and we'll have a marathon."

"I love the Marx brothers, Reid, have you seen their films?" Emily asked.

Reid shook his head no.

"See, there you go, something new for you," Rossi enthused.

Spencer began to laugh again. Emily just looked at the two men in puzzlement.

XXXX

By the evening, Spencer managed to haul himself out of bed and onto the couch between Rossi and Prentiss. The movie marathon didn't last long as Reid fell asleep in the middle of "Horse feathers,"

The two older agents managed to get him back in bed and tucked in. When Reid mumbled _"Are you coming to bed soon Emily_?" it caused Rossi to raise his eyebrows a little but he said nothing, it was none of his business. He noticed a slight blush on Emily's face.

"Thank you for coming today," Emily said as she walked him to the door.

"Anytime," He told her.

They bade each other goodnight. Emily spent a little time straightening up the apartment, then changed for bed. She looked at Reid's still form. He seemed more restful tonight and his fever had broken. She got into bed beside him and instead of scooting away to the edge she took his hand in hers.

Goodnight Emily " He whispered.

XXXXXX

Spencer was still queasy the next morning but not too ill to ask for Coffee. The two friends sat together in a comfortable silence having their first cup of the day when Emily's iphone went off. It was JJ sending a text.

"Damn!" Emily muttered.

"What's up," asked Reid.

"We have a case, I'm afraid I have to go now, JJ wants the team to meet on the jet." she looked at him apolegeticly.

"Emily, I'm much better now, go, Hotch needs you." he said.

"I'm getting Garcia to check in every day "

"I know, I will call her too. Rossi left his famous soup so I wont starve. I've done this before you know,"

"I know,"

Reid fixed his eyes on her. "Hotch needs you,"

She began to gather up her things She wanted to go to work but wanted to stay with Spencer at the same time. The feelings she was having were confusing. She thought it might better if she were away from him for a little while. He stood and she gave him a gentle hug and promised or rather threatened that Garcia would be checking in frequently.

His soft Hazel eyes gazed into hers "Thank you Emily, for everything,"

Her stomach did a flip "_What's wrong with me"_ she thought.

It would be a long time before that question was answered. Emily left his apartment and headed off to the airport

XXXXX

For Reid the next few days were uneventful. He was starting to feel a little more like himself He threw up maybe once or twice a day but for the most part he felt better. He managed to shower and dress and forced himself to eat a little at each meal .Garcia called several times a day and he called her. The team were still in Nebraska hunting their unsub so the calls between them were few and far between.

It was nearly a week later when a persistant knocking on his door roused Reid. He had been relaxing on the couch reading and sipping tea. He slowly got up from the sofa when the rapping started again.

"Hold on, I'm coming," he said. He felt a little leery. The team was still away and he had only spoken to Garcia ten minutes ago. He felt slightly shocked when he peered through the peephole. He opened the door immediately.

"Dr Reid, said the cold familiar voice.

"Chief Strauss!"

XXXXX

TBC

AN: Please read and review. I will do my best to get the next chapter up soon. Thank you for all your reviews last chapter.


	36. Chapter 36

**Deadlines and Difficulties**

I do not own Criminal Minds. boo hoo

_'Common sense is the knack of seeing things as they are and doing things as they ought to be done'~ _Calvin Ellis Stowe.

xxxx

If there was one thing that Erin Strauss valued about herself, it was her ability to keep a poker face in any given situation. This ability was severely tested when Spencer Reid opened the door to his apartment.

She had not seen the young man for quite a while and to say his appearence was shocking was an understatement. The flannel pyjama pants he wore barely hung on to his slender hips. His once enviable head of hair was thin and greasy looking.

It was a moment before she realized he had spoken to her and she was just standing there staring.

"Chief Strauss? " he repeated.

She snapped out of it and answered him.

"Agent Reid, I've been told you had your final chemo last week and I wanted to see how you were." she said stiffly.

She stood in the hall awkwardly, she expected to be invited in. It seemed to be Reid's turn to just stand there gaping.

"Have I come at a bad time?" she asked.

"Oh no sorry, forgive my manners, please come in. The place is a bit untidy, I wasn't expecting company." Reid replied nervously.

He felt a bit flustered. He wished she had called first but he knew she would never do that. It was part of her MO so to speak. Strauss enjoyed the element of surprise and the simple fact she wanted that was enough reason to believe this was not purely a social call.

Reid gestured toward the couch. "Please sit down, I was having some tea, would you like a cup ?" he offered.

Reid was trying to act the genial host but it was difficult as he kept having to tug his pyjama pants up and he was vaguely worried his apartment might smell like puke.

"No thank you, I didn't come here to put you to any trouble," she said with an uneasy smile.

Strauss looked around at the agents rather modest apartment. There were books everywhere. It was easy to see where he spent his money. She sniffed the air, there was a strong odour of antiseptic and strangely enough a rather familiar chicken soup smell as well. She sat down on the well worn sofa.

"Please Dr Reid, sit down, we can talk." she said trying to keep her voice soft and even. She thought Reid rather looked like a frightened rabbit, like he might bolt at the slightest provocation.

Reid dropped into the chair adjacent to where she sat. She peered closely at him and saw the fine beads of sweat on his forehead, he was as pale as a ghost. The only thing that resembled the Dr Reid she was used to were those dark intelligent eyes of his that sometimes seemed as if they were looking right into her brain. The intensity made it diffcult to maintain eye contact with him at times.

"Agent Hotchner tells me you have had your last treatment and you may soon be returning to work," she said.

"Yes that's correct, when I'm recovered I will be returning to the BAU," he told her.

"Strauss raised her eyebrows slightly, "Do you think that's wise?"

Reid frowned, "What do you mean?"

Strauss inspected her nails as she spoke. "I mean you have been through quite an ordeal Dr Reid; you have so many talents. There isn't a department in the bureau that couldn't benefit from your knowledge and skills, not to mention you would have regular hours, less stress. I could only believe with your condition that would be something you would strive for. I imagine your mother would also feel relieved."

Spencers eyes widened at the mention of his mother

"My mother,...forgive me Chief Strauss but I was led to believe that my position would be waiting for me when I recovered, and Steven Bennet was a tempory replacement"

"Of course of course, I just wanted you to know that you had options Agent Reid. Though Agent Bennet is doing a wonderful job. He has really made himself part of the team, his intergration was seamless. I told you about his backround?"

"Yes you did, his grandfather and J Edgar Hoover, "

Strauss eyes lit up. "I know Steven's Parents as well, wonderful people; his father works at the Pentagon."

Reid felt slightly numb, _'do they not want me back?'_ he thought.

Strauss noted his ashen complexion, she stood up.

"Now I've wore you out. I hope you continue to recover. Please think about what I've said Dr Reid and let me know if you come to any decisons. The sooner the better, next week would be fine. No please, I'll let my self out."

Within seconds, he heard the door click shut and he listened as her hard and steady footsteps faded away.

Reid slumped back in his easy chair. His stomach was in knots and there was a strong acid taste in his mouth. The team was gone and there was no one he could talk to about this

His tea was now cold and his interest in the novel he was reading disappeared. He decided just to get back into bed but not before he had to rush to the bathroom to throw up.

XXXXX

Aaron Hotchner had been in a good mood when he first arrived at the office, that was until he found Erin Strauss sitting at his desk.

"Good morning Aaron" she said.

"Good morning," he answered. He stood in front of his desk waiting for an explanation of why she was lying in wait for him.

"Congratulations on the success of the last case," she said.

"Thank you" he replied. He felt wary, they had been home for two days and it was obvious she was there for something else.

She leaned forward and folded her hands in front of her. Her eyes met his .

"While you were away I spoke to Dr Reid," she told him.

Aaron felt his pulse quicken.

XXXX

Morgan, Prentiss and JJ stared at the window to Hotch's office. They could see their team leader standing in front of his desk apparently involved in a rather heated discussion with Strauss. Their voices were not raised but their body language suggested the topic of conversation was not a pleasant one. Strauss sat back in Aaron's chair, her arms folded over her chest, her mouth a grim line. Aaron 's posture was stiff,He held his arms straight at his sides. sometimes gesturing towards the bull pen.

Something was up and it wasn't good.

"What in hell is going on in there?." asked Morgan.

Emily shook her head, "I don't know but I'm glad I'm out here " The profliers continued to to watch the window like it was some bizarre silent movie.

The sombre silence was interrupted by the arrival of Garcia. Her cheerfuls greetings were ignored by her colleagues.

"Hello my sweets, no good mornings for your beloved tech goddess?" she chirped.

"Fraid not Garcie look over there." said JJ as she nodded towards the unit chief's office.

Garcia glanced over at Hotch's office and shivered. "Ooh I thought I felt an icy wind when I stepped in here," she joked.

Morgan huffed a laugh and smiled at his friend. "We'd better get to work before the ice queen sets her sights on us."

Prentiss frowned at the empty desk in front of her "Hey, does anyone know where Bennet is? I haven't seen him all day."

"He's taking a few personal days. I guess he's thinking about where his next assignment will be when Reid comes back." JJ told her.

"Does anyone know where Reid is, ? I tried calling him a couple of times, no answer. Babygirl, have you been calling him?" asked Morgan.

Garcia smiled ,"Not to worry my sweet, I call our junior genius at least twice a day. Yesterday morning he said he had to be away for a while to take care of some personal business,"

Morgan frowned " Really, did he say where he was going?"

"I know exactly where he is," boomed a male voice. They looked up to see Rossi sautering towards them, coffee cup in hand.

"Where?" said Morgan.

"He asked if he could use my cabin, I said yes. I guess he just wants some peace and quiet and get away from everyone," Rossi answered.

Huh!, Cabin in the woods doesn't seem to be Reid's thing. You know it's dark and scary, surrounded by woods". He wiggled his fingers at them as if that made the idea of Reid staying in a cabin more forboding

JJ shivered in spite of herself.

Rossi appeared insulted "Morgan,as you know my cabin is not your typical rustic retreat. It's outfitted with a hotub, full bar and a theatre only thing that's scarey is what I paid for it." grumped Rossi.

"How _do_ you stand it?" said Morgan with a grin

Rossi was about to reply when they heard a door slam. They looked up to see Strauss striding out of Hotch's office. If she had been a cartoon character, steam would be pouring out of her ears.

"Agents, " she mumbled as she passed by.

The team stared after her; they had never seen her look so angry.

"Team." This time the one who spoke to them was Hotch. He was standing on the landing his face etched with weariness. I need to speak to you all. It's about Reid."

XXXXXX

Spencer couldn't believe what he had just done. His hands were shaking as he started up his vintage Volvo. He glanced in his rearview mirror one last time and looked at the house he had just left . It was Steven Bennet's house. He wanted to put as much distance between it and himself as possible.

He had asked Rossi for the use of his cabin. It was a good place to get away to. He needed solitude and Rossi's cabin offered that plus a host of other distractions. His mind kept putting the face of Steven Bennet front and centre in his mind. His memory wouldn't let go of the man's shocked expression. Reid had almost felt sorry for him, Almost.

XXXX

Morgan slammed his fist down on the Bau round table. It was an involuntary response to the news that Hotch had just shared with them.

"Morgan, that doesn't help " said Hotch sternly. He gave Morgan his best scowl.

"No, he should really be doing that to Strauss" JJ said. Her voice laced with anger.

"JJ please." Admonished Hotch. He pretty much felt the same way but the chain of command had to be respected.

"Sorry Hotch, but what is she thinking? replacing Reid with Steven, It doesn't make sense," .

"I'm sure it's a polictical move." offered Rossi, "Steven's bloodties are..."

"BULLSHIT!" shouted Prentiss, her usual calm demeanor replaced by an angry flushed face.

"Do you think we should call Bennet and talk to him" said JJ.

Just then Garcia walked into the room wearing a puzzled expression.

"What's wrong babygirl?" asked a concerned Morgan.

She looked around the room "I tried to Call Bennet at all three of his numbers, he wasn't at any of them, I tried his girlfriend and she said she didn't know where he was, She said he usually says where he's going, they're very coupley".

"Well that's not really all that odd," said Hotch softly

"Yes except I just tried to call Reid to see if he was alright and I couldn't reach him either"

"Hotch, did you say that Strauss said she already spoke to Reid." asked Prentiss.

"Yes I did."

"Does anyone find it strange that suddenly Reid wants to go to Rossi's secluded cabin?" Prentiss asked.

Actually everyone did. Rossi stood up abruptly and looked at his watch "Look I know it's not time to quit for the weekend but I'm thinking of heading up to my cabin, anyone care to join me ?"

He was met by a chorus of yes's. Ten minutes later all six members of the team were on the road heading north to Rossi's Retreat.

XXXx

Reid stood at the edge of the dock and stared at the cold still water. The sun was warm on his back but he knew how cold these mountain lakes could be. He started to sway slightly as he was becoming mesmerized by the rippling of the water. He stepped back and steadied himself. It wouldn't do to go through all that chemo and stuff only to accidently drown in a lake. This lake was extremely deep

Far across to the the opposite shore a motor boat went by. It was the first one he had seen since he got here. So he was truly alone.

He had been here before a few years back. Rossi had invited the team for a weekend. He didn't appreciate the beauty of the place then. All he had wanted to do was get back home to his books and away from all the bugs. The team raved about the cabin but Spencer secretly thought it looked like a place an unsub would hide a body. Rustic retreats usually didn't offer any pleasure for him. He had found Gideans letter in his cabin and before that he had been drugged and tortured by Tobias Hankle in a smaller one. Today was different, he felt like he had shed the skin of the old Spencer Reid and become a new one.

He laid down on the dock and closed his eyes. The face of Bennet floated in front of him again. He chased it away only to have it replaced by the face of Strauss. He could see her thin cruel mouth

"GO! " he ordered and she was gone. He laughed.

_"That was easy"_ he thought, he yawned and within minutes he was fast asleep and soaking up the sunshine, oblivious to the fact that there was a carload of FBI agents coming his way.

...and there was something else coming his way, Something very close, something deadly.

TBC

AN :Please read and review, your reviews and comments are so motivating. Thank you.


	37. Agents and Answers

**Agents and Answers**

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Criminal Minds.

XXXXXX

_'The supreme happiness in life is the conviction we are loved' _~ Victor Hugo.

XXXXXX

The first thing Reid felt when he awoke was confusion. It took him a couple of seconds before he realized where he was. He had fallen asleep on the dock at Rossi's cabin; he felt stiff and achy and shivered with the cold. The sun that had been so warm and soothing was now settling itself in the west. It's seductive promise of warm weather was erased by the chill of the spring air and the equally cold breeze. They were both stern reminders that hot summer nights were still several months off.

Spencer hauled himself up and headed back to the cabin, if it could really be called a cabin. He thought Garcia's nickname, _Rossi's little mansionette in the woods_ was a far more accurate description; all the comforts of home plus some. How different it was from Gideon's cabin. Gideons' on the surface was small and rustic and seemingly simple, yet hidden underneath lay some of the most high tech security equipment Reid had ever seen.

As Reid explored Rossi's kitchen he hoped the older agents supply of coffee was as great as his stock of expensive liquor and vintage wines. He need not have worried. Reid could have opened his own cafe with the selection he found lining the shelves of the pantry. He busied himself making a pot of an extra strong French brew and tried not to think about Steven Bennett or Strauss. He felt he had made a mistake in going to Bennetts house but what was done was done. He poured himself a cup and sat down on the sofa that faced the window. Spencer tried to concentrate on the beautiful view of the lake that lay just outside. He discovered not for the first time that it was extremely difficult to force yourself to _not _think about something. His thoughts strayed back to Bennett and the look on the man's face when he opened his door to see Reid standing there.

He almost became lost in the memory when he heard a snapping sound just outside the cabin. It startled him back to the present. He sat up and listened attentively and then 'CRACK' he heard it again. It was as if someone was walking around outside stepping on dry brush. He got up and peered out the large picture window. He could see no one. Reid was about to check outside when he saw a small brown rabbit scurry across the lawn and disappear into the wooded area. Reid almost laughed.'_ Frightened by a bunny rabbit_" he thought. Morgan would have loved to have seen that.

He settled himself back on the sofa and finished his coffee. He couldn't believe how tired he was even though he had been sleeping just a short while ago. The chemo really took it out of him, but he was thankful he wasn't as nauseous as before, the anti-emetics helped. He yawned and leaned his head back and closed his eyes. Rossi's taste in furniture tended to lean toward the most comfortable as possible side.

He stopped fighting his need to sleep and began to dose off. Thoughts of Bennett, Srauss and the BAU evaporated. He did not stir nor did he hear the heavy footfalls outside in the vanishing light, ones that paced back and forth, patiently waiting for it's prey.

XXXXX

"Man oh man, I can't believe this, this sucks!" Morgan hit his fist on the steering wheel in frustration.

"Sweet boo, getting angry isn't going to help. Would you like me to teach you some relaxation techniques to help with road rage?" Garcia offered from the back seat.

The two Suvs that had originally been tearing down the interstate were now stuck in bumper to bumper weekend traffic.

Morgan pursed his lips and did not reply. Rossi shook his head.

"I should have known we would have run into Friday night traffic, everybody wants to take off for the weekend, nothin we can do but wait," he said

JJ who sat in the back with Garcia nodded her head in agreement. Her cell rang, she saw it was Hotch calling from the other SUV that he and Prentiss were in.

"Ok Hotch , I'll tell them." she said as she ended the call . "That was Hotch, he said a tanker jacknifed up ahead and that's what's caused all the hold up. No ones hurt but we may be sitting here awhile." she told them.

Morgan sighed and turned off the engine " No point wasting gas" he said as he leaned rubbed his eyes.

"Garcia have you tried Reid's cell again," asked Rossi.

"Yes I have and Bennetts, no one is answering. I'm worried," she said.

"Babygirl, we all are," Morgan said.

XXXXXX

_Reid knew he was in a dream when he saw the beautiful dark haired woman leaning over him. Her long ebony locks cascaded over her shoulders and breasts, she smiled at him and caressed his cheek. _

_'Soon" she said and laid her head against his chest._

_He stroked her hair and she made a sound that almost sounded like purring. Her deft hands stroked his body through his clothes and he felt soothed instead of aroused. There was a peacefulness that radiated off of her. She lifted her head and smiled at him again._

_"Soon?" she whispered _

_Reid was about to ask her what she mean't when a loud clamor roused him from his thoughts._

_He sat up 'What is that?' he asked 'Ive got to go see what it is ' he pushed the woman off him and tried to stand up._

_The woman slid to the floor and grabbed his arm as he tried to leave._

_No!' dont" she cried._

_Reid ignored her and headed for the door._

_XXXXXX_

Spencer woke with a start. He was still on the couch. He didn't feel like he'd had a nightmare, he felt just a vague heavy sense of unpleasantness. He shook his head as if he were trying to physically shake off the dream. He looked around the room almost expecting to see the woman but nothing seemed amiss.

It was barely dusk outside and there was still enough light to see the lake. He wondered if he should call someone and tell them he was ok. He was sure Rossi told everyone where he was. Still they were a bunch of worriers and surely they must have heard about Steven Bennett by now. He put his hand in his pocket about to check his cell when he discovered his phone was not there. He searched the sofa cushions and then the kitchen. He suddenly reallized where he had last seen it. He looked out the window toward the lake and even from this distance he could make out the little dark outline of his phone sitting on the dock.

XXXXXXX

Morgan saw the traffic ahead start to move, he started the car; Garcia clapped her hands and JJ sighed with relief. They had been sitting there nearly a hour; within minutes they were once again tearing across the interstate. Morgan was driving so fast that he caught up with Hotch and passed them.

"We're on our way prettyboy " Morgan murmured under his breath. He checked his rearview mirror and laughed when he saw Hotch directly behind him.

XXXXXX

Reid sauntered down to the dock. There was a real chill in the air now. He thought about having another cup of coffee. He couldn't seem to get warm. He made a mental note not to fall asleep on the ground again.

He stood at the end of the dock and admired the last vestiges of light from the setting sun. Once again his thoughts wandered back to Steven Bennett and their interaction earliar today.

Bennett had answered his door looking unlike himself. Any time Reid had seen him he thought he rather resembled a younger, lighter haired version of Hotch, with his dark suits and stiff white collars. He looked like a tried and true G-man to the core. Of course he really hadn't made an effort to get to know the man since the circumstances seemed so awkward. Now the young agent stood before him in cargo shorts and sweat shirt looking more like a preppy college student than a fed. He had looked suprised to see Reid at this door

" Dr Reid, this is a surprise, what can I do for you," Bennett had asked amiably.

"I wonder if we might talk,"

"Uh, sure I'm going out soon but please come in, have a seat, can I get you something to drink." Bennett offered.

Reid stepped inside the small but upscale townhouse. It was very contemporary in design with every modern convenience. Everything was smart and stylish and new, much like Bennett himself. He was everything Reid was not. It was no wonder the Bureau felt Bennett was a better representative than him.

Reid declined Stevens offer of a beverage and sat down. Bennett sat across from him, his expression could not hide how perplexed he was by this strange visit. He noted how pale and fragile the man looked. He felt a twinge of pity for him as the Dr seemed extremely nervous and under some sort of duress. He waited for Spencer to speak

Finally Reid found his voice. "I was talking to Chief Strauss yesterday, she came to my apartment," Reid began.

"Oh yes, Aunt Erin," Steven said.

Spencers jaw dropped, "she's your Aunt?"

Steven laughed and waved his hand "No not really, she's an old family friend, us kids always called her that," he amended.

Reid breathed a sigh of relief and began again "Well, she came to my apartment and told me your plans,"

Bennett stopped smiling. "She told you my plans?" he said.

Spencer noticed the change in demeanor in the man across from him. "Yes, she strongly hinted that I should step aside..." Reid then proceeded to tell the young man verbatim of the conversation between himself and Strauss.

Bennett listened quietly, his lips pursed in a thin line; he looked angry. He suddenly jumped out of his chair and paced back and forth in front of Reid and then he started to laugh. It wasn't a happy laugh.

"She shouldn't have said those things," he said.

Reid was about to speak when Bennett held his hand in front of Reid and ordered him to "sit right there"

Spencer was puzzled as the young man bounded up the stairs and yelled at him to "'stay there for a second"

Reid did as he was told, curious to what was going on. Within minutes Bennett came back into the living room with a grin on his face and a small black leather bag in his hand. He sat across from Reid again and leaned toward him.

"This is something even Hotch doesn't know about, " he confided. He reached in the bag, removed the item and held it in front of Reid's face.

"This it what my plans are Spencer,"

Reid gave a little gasp.

XXXXXXX

Reid shook his head at the memory and once again cursed himself for going to Bennetts in the first place. He picked up his cell phone and placed it in his pocket. It was then that he heard the noise behind him, a low gutteral moan; it was very close. He knew what it was even before he turned around .

Very slowly he turned and there before him not even 20 feet away was a creature with coal black eyes, three inch claws and sharp white teeth, perfect for tearing meat away from flesh. It was the Ursus Americanus, in other words, a large aggressive looking North American black bear. Reid estimated it probably weighed more than three hundred animal stood there staring at him and swatted the ground.

Reid was frozen with fear. He felt like his feet were cemented to the dock and his entire body trembled. The animal was out of hibernation and hungry. It was too early in the year for the forest to provide its usual sustanance of roots, berries and grasses for this omivore to feast on The tall skinny mammal in front of him looked like an easier prey for a tired and hungry animal.

Spencer still could not move, his mouth dried up instantly. He wondered if the bear could sense he was sickly and weak and was easy prey. His mind whirled with all the facts he knew about black bears. He looked at the safely of the cabin not more than a hundred yards away but he knew it was impossible to outrun a bear, they were fast and excellent tree climbers. Reid considered jumping into the lake behind him

but the water was icy cold and bears could swim as well as well as they could run. His eidetic memory recalled the bear spray on Rossi's kitchen counter, little good that did some said the spray merely made the bear angry.

The animal swatted at the ground again and made huffing noises, he paced a little back and forth as if attempting to circle Reid. It slowly moved a few feet closer. Reid remembered what he had at hand He had his cell, but who could he call, the bear police? and have the bear arrested? His gun was back in his apartment. The animal slowly moved closer.

Reid surmised this was a male, these animals rarely attacked humans. He knew it was a common myth that the mother bear with cubs was the most dangerous when in fact 92% of attacks on humans were by a predatory lone male, 63 people in North America had been killed by black bears in the last 110 years, 86% of that number since 1960. These statistics did little to help.

The large animal began to swing it's head from side to side while making vocalizations that chilled Reid to the bone. His black eyes never left Reid as it advanced on him further.

"_What a stupid way to die_," Reid thought in a panic. After all he had been through, to be eaten by a bear just seemed ridiculous. As the animal closed in on him he thought that he could lie in a fetal position and cover his head and neck but no. The fear began to drain out of him and was replaced by an indignant rage. He wasn't going to lie down. He was going to go out fighting.

He looked into the eyes of the animal. Suddenly the bear represented everything that had gone wrong for him over the last year. The bear was cancer, it was the woman who tried to kill him, the various medications that made him sicker, Strauss, his weak father. It became all of these things.

Reid stood tall, raised his arms above his head and screamed.

"FUCK OFF BEAR FUCk OFF!"

He stamped his feet and waved his arms trying to appear larger than he was. He yelled til l his voice was hoarse. The animal was startled and began to back off. Reid stepped forward and continued to yell. The bear sensing killing this strange skinny mammal was just too much work suddenly turned tail and ran away. Reid continued yelling till all signs of the animal were gone His heart was beating rapidly the adrenline was puimping fast and furious through his system. He felt like he was in shock, his body shook uncontrollably and he started to laugh, though it was more from hysteria than amusement.

"I did it," He took a deep breath and a step back or rather a mistep. He had forgotten how close he was to the end of the dock . It was too late, he lost his footing and reeled backwards into the icy spring depths of the lake.

XXXXXX

When the two Suvs pulled into the drive of Rossi's cabin it was dark. They saw the lights of the cabin on and smoke coming from the team got out and walked into the building They were astonished at the sight in front of them.

Spencer Reid was sprawled out on Rossi's leather sectional wearing a plush monogrammed robe belonging to Rossi and he held a rather large snifter of Brandy in his hand.

Reid looked up at the team calmly, "Hi guys," he said.

The team noted Reids clothes in front of the fireplace and the glassy look in The young agents eyes .

Rossi smiled "I see you made yourself at home, everything ok Reid," he asked

"Reid hiccupped as he tried to sit up " Just dandy,oh, I had to borrow your robe David; I hope you don't mind, I kinda fell in the lake," he slurred.

Hotch lifted the half empty bottle and showed it to Morgan. Morgan raised his eyesbrows as he and Garcia took a seat on either side of their friend.

"So kid , we were kinda worried about you, you know with the visit from Strauss and everything" he said gently.

JJ and Prentiss took a seat on the other end of the couch.

"Poor baby's frowning his sorrows in Brandy,"Garia whispered to Hotch and Rossi who sat down beside her.

"Yeah, 80 year French brandy, those sorrows should be good and drowned ," Rossi groused.

Spencer looked around at the team "Hi guys,"

"Spence, we were afraid you were upset about what Strauss wanted to do with Bennett" said JJ

Reid frowned, "Oh yeah, Bennett. I went to see him, he's gone now." he stated.

Prentiss and JJ exchanged looks. "What do you mean gone?" Emily asked.

Reid giggled "I went to talk to him and he showed me something, man it was big," he widened his eyes. "Biggest one I've ever seen "

Hotch was starting to become annoyed. He reached over took the glass from Reid's hand and set it on the table.

"We would appreciate it Reid if you told us what your're talking about" said Hotch in his most Hotch- like manner

Reid stared at his empty hand and pouted at the loss of his drink.

"REID!"

"Spencer picked up his snifter again "A diamond ring. A big two carat diamond, that's what he showed was going to purpose to his girlfriend . He wants to move across the country with her, transfer out of the BAU, maybe leave the FBI. He said it was never his dream to be here. It was what his mom and dad expected him to do his entire life and aunt Erin was helping."

Reid yawned and leaned back against the sofa

Everyone looked both relieved and astonished at the same time.

"It looks like everyone rushed up here for nothing" said Morgan.

Hotch stared at the wet clothes hanging from the fireplace " Maybe not" he said quietly "In any case I have to go home to Jack, so since all is well here..."

"I have to get home too. we can ride together" said JJ .

"Look out for bears ," Reid mumbled.

Rossi stood up," Hey I have some great sauce in the freezer, dont leave till I feed you. Morgan, Penelope, Emily are you staying or going?"

The three agents grinned. "I think I could stay one night,"said Morgan."Babygirl, Prentiss are you in?" The two women nodded.

Garcia looked at the now sleeping Reid beside her "What shall we do with Sweetcheeks here?" she said as she pushed the still damp hair out of his eyes.

"Just leave him, we'll wake him when dinners ready, Now c'mon, I need a sous chef." ordered Rossi.

The cabin became a hub of lively actiity. It felt good to be together again.

XXXXXXX

When Reid awoke that night, no one quizzed him on why he had gotten so drunk. They asssumed the stress of recent events must be at fault. They sat down to dinner together, they toasted Reid and then they toasted Bennett.

The next morning Rossi got up early, made a pot of coffee and walked down to the dock to enjoy the view. He had been there nearly half a hour when he heard a vehicle pull into the drive. He was surprised to see a state trooper get out of a truck

"Can I help you?' Rossi asked.

The middle aged man walked over .

"Good morning, just going by to talk to anyone staying in these part, There has been some bear activity in the area. A couple of the older cabins up here have been broken into. The animal made a real mess, mostly looking for food I suspect, since people's dry supplies were ripped open. We're just warning folks to stay on the lookout and not to leave their garbage or any food outside ,"

"Hey you don't have to tell me twice." Rossi he thanked him.

The trooper nodded and got back in his vehicle and drove off.

As Rossi headed back to the cabin he saw something that chilled him . He saw foot prints on the still moist ground .There was his and then he saw the larger shoe tracks of Reid and then finally what were obviously large bear tracks.

Was this what had gotten Reid so drunk last night?, had he faced down a bear and if he did, why didnt he speak of it?. Rossi shuddered to think what they might have found when they arrived last night.

He walked into the cabin to find the others awake. They were gently teasing Reid about his Brandy consumption. Rossi poured a mug for Spencer and squeezed his shoulder .

"Reid can partake of my bar anytime," said Rossi.

"Hey why does he get special treatment,"said Morgan in mock complaint.

"Because, he's Reid and that my good man is enough. Now who wants Breakfast?"

TBC.

AN: Hope you enjoyed this chapter. Please Read and Review.


	38. Chapter 38

**Harmony and Healing**

Disclaimer: I do not own criminal Minds.

_'And there is even a happiness that makes the heart afraid'_ ~ Thomas Hood.

XXXXX

"Nearly finished," called the tech from the other room, "Just stay completely still a few more minutes". Reid remained lying still. He just had to hold out a little bit longer. He closed his eyes and tried not to move a muscle. The machine that enveloped him was bright and noisy and a little claustophobic.

"We're finished," announced the tech. Slowly the table eased out of the scanning machine with Spencer laid out on it.

"Alright Dr Reid, you're finished, you can go ahead and get dressed now,"

Spencer sat up and licked his lips, It was so cold and dry in this room, of course it might have something to do with him wearing nothing but a light cotten hospital gown.

"When will I hear the results ?" he said to the empty room.

"Your Doctor will probably call you in about a week, have a good day?"

And that was it. The past week Reid had been having numerous tests to see if his treatment had truly worked. This last one had been a full body scan, for some reason, this one scared him the most. His oncologist was very optimistic, Reid was just scared; what if he had gone through all ths and the cancer was still lurking somewhere. He tried to shake that thought from his mind, he quickly put his clothes on and left the clinic and headed home.

He hadn't told anyone about this round of tests because he didn't feel much like being asked _'How did the tests go' _every fifteen minutes or seeing that look on their faces when they knew he was going through something. He would wait til all results were in and inform them accordingly.

Tomorrow he was going back to work. Steven Bennet had already left, much to the disappointment of Erin Strauss. Everyone had wished Bennet well but were excited to have their Spencer back. Garcia wanted to mark it with some sort of party but was talked down by her co-workers. They knew Reid would hate the attention.

Spencer arrived back at his apartment and headed straight to his bedroom and stripped off his clothes. This had become somewhat of a ritual for him. He scrutinized his nude body in the full length mirror. This examination had nothng to do with vanity for he was probably the least vain man in the world. He just felt he needed to check his body for any lumps or moles or anything that might cause the least bit of suspicion. He spent some time palpitating his lympth nodes. To him they felt normal, even his doctor had said so. Satisfied everything appeared somewhat normal he relaxed, at least until it was time to do it again.

He stood in front of the mirror a little longer than usual today. All he could see was a painfully thin frail man looking back at him. His hair was sparse and completely missing from his limbs and pubic area. What was on his head was thin and greasy looking. His complexion was pale and he wondered if his eyes would ever lose that haunted look that began years ago after his abduction by Tobias Hankle. He turned away from his reflection; he was thankful he was not in a relationship with anyone. It was bad enough his co-workers were stuck having to look at him. He dressed quickly and went to make his second pot of coffee of the day.

Reid was aware that his thoughts were becoming increasingly melancholy and wondered why this darkness seemed to be descending on him now, especially when things were finally headed in a positive direction. He put it down to exhaustion. He thought he would to take a long nap after he finished his coffee. Hopefully this leaden feeling would go away.

XXXX

_Reid dream't of the woman again. He was standing in a large bright room full of people and noise and bright colours He saw her across a dance floor, she waved gaily at him and motioned for him to come closer. She wore a low cut tight dress that was the color of blood. As always she looked beautiful and frightening at the same time. He made his way through the crowd to get to her. The dancers parted easily for him . He reached her side_

_"Now we can dance " she whispered in his ear._

_"There's no music," Spencer responded._

_She laughed and her eyes burned into his "There's always music,"_

_She slid her arms around his waist and laid her head on his chest. The feel of her body against his made him feel slightly dizzy._

_"Are you ready?" she asked him in her sultry voice._

_Reid hesitated, unsure of his answer ._

_"ANSWER HER SPENCER," ordered a familiar female voice._

_Reid turned and saw his mother standing impatiently off to his side. There were other people he knew there too. Gideon and his father stood behind her; they seemed to be handcuffed together._

_"I don't dance," Gideon said._

_"Me either," said his father._

_He was about to respond when he saw Hotch and Rossi waltz across the floor in front of him. Morgan was there too but he danced alone. JJ spun by with Will, Garcia and Kevin jitterbugged across the floor at a furious pace. Reid was impressed with how high Kevin could toss Penelope in the air._

_' Where is Emily? his dream self asked . _

_"Over there," the woman in his dream pointed across the room. _

_Sure enough Emily Prentiss stood on the other side of the dance floor looking beautiful and regal . She wore a high necked Ivory dress, in her hand she held a dance card. Spencer couldn't make out what was written on it. She was staring directly at him._

_"Are you ready" the woman asked again. _

_Spencer nodded. "It's not going to be easy is it?" he said to her._

_The woman threw back her head and laughed revealing her even white teeth. "Of course not, it never is"_

Reid awoke with a start. It was time to go to work.

XXXXX

There was a sense of contained excitment in the BAU that morning. The entire floor knew Dr Reid was returning that day. The team had all arrived early, they didn't want to miss him coming in, even Strauss had poked her head in a time or two on some pretense. Garcia had been denied a party but it didn't stop her from baking the good doctor a large batch of his favourite cookies. Rossi suggested to Hotch that maybe a team dinner at his house would be appropriate after Spencer had settled in. Hotch shook his head, his pleas for everyone to behave as naturally as possible went unheeded. After all it wasn't like they never saw the young man, he said to JJ.

JJ explained that it was the first time in a long time that Spence would be back at work as a cancer free man. The old Spencer was back.

Hotch reminded her that they weren't entirely sure Reid was cancer free yet. JJ didn't like to think about the possible dark cloud that still hovered. over them. She was going to think positve and scolded the unit chief for not doing the same.

Hotch held his tongue. He remembered his father and how quickly his lung cancer had claimed him, but he also knew it wasn't fair to project his apprehension on his elated team members. Until they had reason to think otherwise, they might as well be happy.

JJ was the first to greet Reid when he came through the door, she put her arms around him and hugged him so hard he nearly lost balance.

"Save some for me JJ," said Garcia as she hustled over to grab Reid in a bear hug.

"Welcome back man," said Morgan grinning at the blushing embarassed agent.

Hotch stood back with Rossi and watched the spectacle taking place "Yes, everyone is behaving as normal as possible," he deadpanned.

Reid gave the two older men a shy wave as he made his way to his desk. Rossi gave him a thumbs up.

"Don't worry Aaron it will settle down," Rossi told him as he headed back to his office.

Reid felt a trifle overwhelmed. He sat at his desk in a stunned silence. Garcia had deposited a large tin of homemade cookies in his lap. He noticed one person hadn't greeted him. He looked around the room for her.

"Where's Prentiss?" he asked Morgan.

Morgan looked around the room and shrugged. "I dunno, in the bathroom I guess,"

Garcia frowned "That's odd, she was here a few minutes ago, " She shrugged her shoulders as well "Don't worry Reid, she'll probably be along in a minute. Now you must have a cookie with your coffee this morning. Morgan reached his hand toward the cookie tin only to have it smartly rapped by Garcia.

"Reid's cookies!" she admonished.

Spencer nodded as he took a bite. "You're not cookie worthy yet Morgan," he informed him.

"Cookie worthy?" Morgan repeated indignantly.

"Be careful Reid, the minute your back' s turned, chomp! half a dozen are gone," Garcia warned.

Morgan sighed, "You two are nuts."

Reid was enjoying the silly banter, he realized how much he had missed it. He looked up and saw Prentiss heading toward him, He thought she looked rather tense and drawn.

"You alright?" he asked in concern.

She smiled at him. "I am now," She leaned over and put her arms around him in a tight embrace.

The emotion he felt took him by surprise,"Here, have one of Garcia's cookies," he said suddenly as he shoved a cookie into her hand.

Morgan threw his hands in the air "Great!" and he headed back to his office.

Emily blinked "What's wrong with him?" she said with a mouthful of cookie.

Reid and Garcia burst out laughing.

XXX

The next few days went relatively well. The team still treated him with kid gloves, they went out to lunch together often and he noticed Garcia kept a watchful eye on the amount of food he ate. There was usually someone to drive him home and the other office members were strangely shy around him and approached him like he was some strange exotic bird they might scare away if they got too close.

He knew this was just some sort of honeymoon phase of his return, hopefully in a week or two Hotch would be cutting short his rants and others would be rolling their eyes at his lengthy statistics.

The first real challenge came when they were called out on a case. They flew to a northern part of florida where several bodies were found dumped along roadsides. The unsub was taunting the local police and claimed to have another victim.

It was extremely hot and the hours were long. Hotch insisted Reid stay in the air conditioned police station and work from there. He didn't mind as he was surprised he was feeling queasy from the jet.

A couple of days in some progress was made and the team was ready to give their profile. Hotch began, Reid felt singularly hot even with the AC on. His stomach was doing flip flops and his head felt like it was full of sodium bicarbonate. He tried to comcentrate on the profile as it switched to Rossi. Reid sat down on the edge of a desk hoping resting slightly would ease his nausea. No such luck, as quietly as he could he slipped out of the room and made a bee line to the bathroom. The door was locked, he rattled the doorknob and knocked.

"There's another john upstairs buddy," yelled a gruff male voice.

"Danm!" Reid whispered to himself, he found an exit and went out to a stairwell. His head was spinning now, he slumped down on the steps. Fortunately the stairwell was empty as most people used the elevator. He leaned over and put his head between his knees and took some deep breaths.

He didn't hear the door opening behind him and someone sitting down beside him.

"Reid?" said a gentle voice.

He looked up and saw Morgan, his face a mask of concern. Spencer tried to smile "Hi," was all he managed.

"The heat getting to you?" the older agent asked. He felt Morgan's hand on his back.

" Sorry Morgan, I guess I'm not as strong as I thought I was. Maybe if i sit here a few minutes..."

"Kid, I'm taking you back to the hotel, I'll tell Hotch; it's ok he'll understand."

"No Morgan really."

" Shh, no arguments or I'll sick Penelope on you," Derek warned.

Reid made a face, "Well if you put it that way."

Derek stood and helped the young man to his feet.

"C'mon, lets go,"

Reluctantly Reid got up and let Morgan drive him back to the hotel. He was not happy, he felt like Reid the cancer patient again.

XXXX

Reid spent the rest of the day in his hotel room. He lay on his bed and cursed himself for what he thought was weakness. There wasn't much for him to do. He watched some inane tv programs, called room service and thankfully he got a few calls from the team to ask for advice on the case. He assured everyone he was fine, it was just the heat and he would be back on his feet tomorrow. He was afraid to think otherwise.

The darkness he was trying desperately to outrun was closing in on him again. He didn't want to think about the possibility his cancer might still be lurking in him somewhere, but try as he might his mind kept circling back to the same unhappy thoughts.

The team returned to the hotel late that night; everone stopped by to say goodnight except Hotch. He surprised Reid by showing up alone long after he thought everyone had gone to bed

"Reid, is it alright if I come in for a minute?" he asked.

Reid nodded and stood aside to let Hotch in, "Sure, is everything alright?"

Reid stuffed his hands in the pockets of his robe to hide his nervousness. He hoped Hotch wasn't about to tell him to go home.

"I need to know how you are feeling Reid , I mean really feeling."

"I'm... I'm fine like I said before."

Hotch knew he was lying. "You didn't feel so fine this afternoon,"

"A minor blip, I promise, I can do my job Hotch really,"

Hotch stared at him a moment, "Reid, is that what you think I'm worried about? I know you can do your job. It's you I'm concerned about. I'm afraid you'll try to over do it, take on too much before you're ready."

"Oh!" was all Spencer could say. This was not the speech he was expecting.

"Just be honest with me Reid. If a full workload gets to be a bit much, just tell me,"

Spencer sat down on the edge of his bed. Hotch was too good of a profiler to be satified with the_ 'I'm fine'_

"I guess I'm not 100 percent yet. I felt dizzy at the police station and on the jet I felt airsick." He looked up at his superior with guilty eyes.

Hotch shook his head again, he was incredulous that Reid would think he would be upset by this.

"You don't have to hide how you feel. You can tell me anything you know," he said softly.

"Thank you," Reid murmured.

The unit chief turned to leave when he remembered the what he had wanted to ask Spencer.

"Reid, this may be personal, but I wondered when you were due to have your second look scans, now that your treatment is finished?"

"I had them already," Reid answered

Hotch's eyes widened and for one brief moment Reid thought he saw something like fear flicker across the older man's face.

"Oh, and how did they turn out?" he asked keeping his voice calm and even.

"It was only a few days ago, I haven't heard yet," Reid answered.

Hotch exhaled. "Ok, I'm sure everythings fine,"

Reid smiled. It almost sounded like Hotch was reassuring himself more than him. He stood up and walked Hotch to the door.

"Thank you Hotch, for the talk,"

"Goodnight Spencer, see you in the morning,"

Reid closed the door. He felt exhausted, he climbed into bed and immediately fell asleep.

In another room in the hotel, Aaron Hotchner poured himself a stiff drink from the mini bar. Memories of his father came flooding back. His rail thin sickly father, lying to everyone about how he really was. Everyone pretending they believed him. He couldn't go through that again. He drained his glass of scotch and opened the second little bottle.

XXXXX

Reid made it the the police station the next day ; he could feel the eyes of his team on him. He did his best to ignore it and concentrate on finding the unsub. The next day there was a break in the case, the killer was caught and the victim was saved.

The jet ride home was uneventful, There was always a feeling of satisfaction when someones life was saved and the killer would be going away for a long time. Reid also remembered to take some meds to keep the nausea away.

Morgan dropped him off at his apartment. Once he got inside he made himself a pot of coffee and checked his phone messages. The third message caused a chill up to go up his spine.

''_Hello, Dr Reid, this is Dr Bledsoes office calling, all your test results are in and the Dr would like to discuss them with you. Please call back and arrange an appointment."_

Reid dropped into the chair behind him. This was it. He was going to know.

TBC

AN: Please read and review

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